Posted by Jane (janey girl) on October 20, 1999, at 19:36:02
In reply to Re: Janey girl -- thank you, posted by lynn (LC) on October 20, 1999, at 9:04:15
Lynn,
I know about that not feeling like you can give yourself
permission to feel those other things while your
father is so ill. Also, about wanting to be back
with him, to spend as much time as you can.I don't know how far away you are from him or what
your other responsibilities are, but I found that
1) I did need to spend time with friends and doing
other things (having a drink, seeing a movie, etc.),
and, 2) I had to spend as much time with my mother as
possible.I auditioned for a play three weeks before my mom
died, and against all odds, I actually got a lead,
a WONDERFUL part. My first lead! And I enjoyed
it, and I let myself enjoy it. The show was by
Anton Chekhov called "The Good Doctor"I got to play this role of an older Russian peasant
woman who went to the bank and drove the banker
crazy with demands, fainting and more. I got to
yell, scream, bitch outloud, and just act completely
nuts and bizarre. I got to do all of the things
on stage that I wanted to do all day long, no
matter where.Not only is enjoying things hard to do right now,
but a lot of people and their grievances seem real
"petty" right now, don't they? You just want to
yell and scream at them and say, "Big, FU**ING DEAL!
MY FATHER IS DYING RIGHT NOW. GET OVER IT."Instead, you probably keep it deep inside, maybe
tears come to your eyes, you go into the ladies'
room and cry... that's what I did anyway. You
keep your grief inside.When my mom was dying, Seal put out the song,
"Rose" (probably not the title, but y'all know the
song. Everytime that song plays, I remember that
time, and mostly I smile. Because I remember that
close time I spent with Mom, and buying her that
CD, and her liking it. And Mom always loved
roses....Honestly, I don't remember much more about that
time -- the movies I saw, the friends I spent time
with. For some reason, that part of my memory is
gone, but I do know that the time I spent with
my friends was good for me.No, honey, you're not going to feel happy or joyous
about much for a while. You are going to be numb.
But try not to force yourself to be numb. Even if
you feel something on the surface, you're feeling
something.Let yourself grieve, let yourself be selfish right
now, let yourself visit with your dad as much as
you can (emotionally or physically). Try not to
feel that you "have" to visit him. More than anything,
as I mentioned before, let those visits with him
be visits filled with love, and memories, and
closure. If he's okay with it, go ahead and cry
while you're with him.Again, feel free to contact via e-mail if you need
to talk.Love and prayers to you and your dad,
Jane
poster:Jane (janey girl)
thread:12640
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19991016/msgs/13529.html