![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 223 to 247 of 495. Go back in thread:
Posted by Dr. Bob on August 5, 2014, at 19:21:52
In reply to bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2014, at 14:37:25
Posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2014, at 19:53:06
In reply to bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2014, at 14:37:25
:-(
the university management people were good today. went and spoke with one of the managers... he listened... i felt heard. and i suppose i did go on, rather.
they have all agreed that the state of my mattress isn't good enough and it should have been replaced before i arrived. they also said that they should have known about the state of it etc.
someone is going to come to take it away soon. i've said i'm okay to sleep on camping matts i've got on the floor - after being informed that i can vaccum the floor. Because something something... Mattresses are made to order or whatever... It will take time for one to be made... Some ambiguity about whether I get a new base... The only 2 drawers there are in the whole place... They aren't sure if they make box spring beds with drawers or something...
Anyway... They will try and find a mattress... But... Whatever.
Whatever. I guess... They take the mess away... I can clean properly. Disinfect and clean and vaccum... And get back to work.
:(
And sleep. I'm f*ck*ng exhausted. Just want this mess to go away :(
Posted by alexandra_k on August 6, 2014, at 4:07:42
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2014, at 19:53:06
well, it is gone, finally. And I've vaccumed and given most of the walls and surfaces a good scrub. Still have some walls and surfaces to do... But needed to sleep...
I think it might take a couple nights to figure whether they really are gone or not. I keep scratching - but I honestly can't tell if it is imagination and they are old bites, or whether they are new bites. Anti-histamine or inflammatory or whatever they are tablets make such a difference... Make it harder to tell.
They did manage to find a temporary one - and reassured me that they have ordered a new one. Most of them are fairly stained etc... But if I put my recent trauma aside... I guess I'd say that my current one is okay. It looks on its worse side like the good side on my other one... Which is what fooled me into saying the condition was 'acceptable' on my initial condition report (didn't think to turn it over and check the other side).
I'm meant to wash linen... Which becomes a bit problematic, actually... I have clean sheets... And clean pillowcases... But duvets are harder... I have a decent wool one that is queen sized - too big for washer or to handwash without a bath. And a same sized feather and down one that I don't want to wreck... I'll see about drycleaning them tomorrow... Pillows? I don't know... I guess... If I still get bit then the problem must be with linen... I get paid tomorrow... I simply can't do anything until then... And I can't freeze in the meantime... I've carefully examined and can't find any sign of anything... I don't know what to say...
Slept a couple hours and feeling a bit better... But not a whole heap, honestly.
- Need to get stuff to my lawyer for the court stuff. Didn't properly realise she needs to do lawyer negotiating stuff before next appearance... I should say that it would have helped me if she'd had have given me a deadline on getting her the information (for other clients she may have, it might help). Then I need to write my own version of events... Do some photocopying / scanning...
- Physics assignment due on Friday lunchtime... I think I just need to do 2 questions... Elastic collision and inelestic collision. I think I sorted out trajectory motion today (and yesterday). Which is a big deal, actually because one of the exam questions WILL BE on trajectory motion... And if you can do trajectory motion then you can do a bunch of other questions besides... About throwing things straight up... About things falling straight down... About combinations of going up and coming down. ahaha. SIn and Cos are just... buttons on your calculator... FOr resolving the vertical and horizontal component of the initial velocity of a projectile... I hope I have this sorted... If I have... Then I have to say... Physics is kinda fun.
- Law readings. Just because. She's glaring in my direction when she asks a question that should be easily answerable from the readings and I fail to murmer the right answer. We did the Springbok Rugby tour today... WHen the New ZEaland Rugby Football Club accepted an invitation to tour South Africa back when there was a commonwealth country boycotting of sporting activity over there in protest of aparteid... Some of the legal stuff around that... The idea of having standing (being personally affected) in order to bring a case.. A bunch of lawyers who happened to be rugby players were thought to not have standing... Which they appealled... ANyway... Some interesting issues... Even though I feel... Uh... Squeemish? ABout letting policical difference get in the way with / interfere with sport... Not entirely sure what I think.
Anyway...
Biology... Masses of information. This and that lives in marine habitats mostly but freshwater sometimes except for x that is terrestrial. And, you know.. LIke 30,000 extant species... That kind of information... And naming of parts... And so on... It's okay. I'll miss our lecturer, actually, now that we are onto a new one... The next section of the course...
ANyway... Refocusing I am... Meeting with disability guy about lab accommodations tomorrow... Said I can't attend another lab in advance because gives me an unfair advantage for assessment, apparently.. And other students will bitch and moan that it ain't fair... Meeting Friday with mental health nurse...
Stuff to be getting on with... It is going to be okay...
Posted by alexandra_k on August 7, 2014, at 15:36:46
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 6, 2014, at 4:07:42
had another talk to the biology first year convenor about accommodations... which went really rather badly indeed. about every bit as badly as my talks to the foundations program lady. she said a few things... about how university isn't really the time to be doing new things, about how I was asking for an unfair advantage over other students, about how i have no reason to think that i'll be any good at biology etc etc etc...
then when i was like 'the "maybe you just suck at biology" objection' she was all WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!!!!? And I was like 'huh?' and she really really really really couldn't understand that I was giving a label to the style of argument she was appealing to or see how her telling me that 'maybe you just aren't any good at biology' might be her telling me that I suck at biology... The indignation in her voice... She was determined I'd called her an idiot or something. Which I most certainly hadn't. But at that point... I realised... That she kinda was. And that my whole explanation of the sorts of things that I found useful in attending a laboratory in advance... She will never understand any of that. Because I'm sure she was just great at the copying other people game... And of course that'll be largely how she got her degree...
Where does the university find them???
Apparently I need to get a proper learning assessment. By psychology, oh joy. They can asssess my learning needs (apparently) and assess the nature of the tasks (uh huh) and figure out what accommodations would be reasonable. This will, of course, take ages. Guess the idea is to delay delay delay until I piss off and die, or something. Why nobody told me this was what needed to happen MONTHS ago is really beyond me...
Apparently I did get accommodation from chemistry. Even though I never got receipt of application. Reassured the form made it through the appropriate channels... A little sad that I didn't get that grade on what I'd actually done... But I really couldn't see how... Given that I didn't ace the exam... Even with considerable exam grade scaling... Anyway... They have offered for me to go talk to them about possibilities for future accommodations for next year...
And I'm remembering the conversation with the dept head and how he suggested about my doing the labs in a separate environment etc... That it was because of suggestions that he made that got these ideas for accommodations into my head in the first place...
I'm realising the animal biology course I'm doing is... uh... picking up the 'sporty' kids. all the kids who want to be marine biologists etc. the kids who like hanging out at the beach but who also feel like they should get a real job or something. Our last lecturer played this vid with a catchy tune... Some bodybuilder guy wiggling / dancing around and some chick... With invertebrate animal stuff as the words of the song... And the lecture theatre was dead silent. I mean... Everyone was just staring at it enthralled... Nobody was talking talking talking talking talking anymore. I... Really do think that I am of a different species from them. Or something...
Our new lecturer is big on the whole 'different learning style' thing. WHich of course means that he had trouble with 'traditional learning'. So I'm finding it lectures to be... Fairly scattered. Good for the students... If you think that they are 18, most of them, and they don't really know how to learn (most of them). The ones who did well... Well... Biomed. I think that is basically what that degree is for. It has higher entry requirements and thus if the teachers teach to the average... Anyway... Biology is going to be a bit excrutiating for the next couple weeks, I think. Just suck it up...
Physics is going well, I think. I've enjoyed working on the assignment... I'm really loving that they have that tutorial / study room. Something like that would have helped me so very very very very very much for chemistry last semester... And physics people... I just am having a much happier time of things. People don't seem to assume I'm stupid because I don't know how to rearrange my equation. And... Well... Someone taught me how to do one properly (with adding to both sides and crossing out redundancies) and I can do them now... And the people are... Nice, yeah.
Anyway... Back to history / treaty stuff for law which doesn't excite me overly. Looking forward to theory stuff that we are onto after that... But I shouldn't get my hopes up because it is going to be quite a different take from philosophy, I think. Law seems to be an awful lot about... Most-est arguments wins. And of course they want the relationship between law and morality to be tight whereas I really don't see the connect...
Posted by alexandra_k on August 7, 2014, at 18:55:30
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 7, 2014, at 15:36:46
glad to be doing a range of courses, yeah. something about... not keeping all of ones eggs in the one basket. think i kinda did that with chemistry last semester. I mean... I thought i would be kept busy with maths etc... but i wasn't really. and motivation became problematic. and i felt a lot of pressure to do well since that was all i was doing.
this semester... forces me to be more efficient with my time. which is... better all around, i think. i need to pay attention to studying smart which means i'm training my ability to focus... to attend to relevant things... to... manage my time, yeah. to shift attention from this course to that course to the next course.
my phone isn't working quite as well as i'd like for basic functions like alarm clock and my schedule (with reminders). perhaps i'm not hitting 'save' appropriately - but things aren't being saved in there... and sometimes... alarms aren't working... not sure what is going on with that... these are the main things i got it for... i'm just with the default calender... wonder if there is a better one... i don't know why i can't set multiple alarms... so it just automatically goes off every day at whatever time i've set it for rather than my needing to set it every evening... anyway... whatever... practice? i guess... sometimes i think the issue is that i'm using it while the alarm goes off... and the notification is cleared by my doing things on it without my actually seeing the notification. i think that is the problem with my not receiving notifications.
the bug thing... i guess one good thing that has come of it is that i have better faith in my... resilence now. my ability to hold things fairly well together through a fairly stressful situation. through lack of sleep... through lack of privacy... i lost it with the bio lady over the bio stuff... but that was, again, like the issue with the foundations lady... with respect to the actual bug thing... i think i did alright. and i got my physics assignment done. and my law readings... i'm okay.
anyway... law tutorial today (first one) over at the actual law school by the high court... this weekend will be a biology weekend... fairly behind with getting my notes into a manageable form... hopefully we won't do too much new content today... just so long as the objectives are clear - he was pretty clear on them yesterday, actually. he is good. it is just that his general manner of being chilled and sort of more of a buddy... isn't so great for me. but to be fair... it is great for probably the majority of students in the class. where those students had a hard time even being quiet for the other lecturer... who i enjoyed a great deal. so... i do like it how first year classes split up the teaching so you get to meet a range of people. helps a lot to mitigate something like personality clashes or perhaps clashes of learning style... so that stuff like that doesn't put you off a whole field...
Posted by Twinleaf on August 8, 2014, at 9:16:03
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 7, 2014, at 18:55:30
Alex, I think it's a great idea to get any help you need, but, knowing that you are a very intelligent person who was close to a getting a PhD in philosophy (way beyond most peoples' capability), you may be giving both yourself and the various administrators the wrong impression by continuing to ask for dispensations. Basically, they seem to have been very willing to ensure that you have the support you need to function at your best. Occasionally, they are going to say "no". This isn't necessarily a reason to become enraged at them and feel they are entirely negative and unhelpful (this sounds a lot like splitting - "black and white" thinking). We all do this sometimes, but I think it can help to be reflective about it afterwards, rather than add them to a "blame list". You don't want that list to grow - they are the people you need on your team to be successful.
Why not give yourself time to develop excellence in these new scientific fields? I bet once you get the basics down, you will get A's all the time! (having studied both, I think pre-med is easier than logic or philosophy).
Posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2014, at 17:18:50
In reply to Re: bugs » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on August 8, 2014, at 9:16:03
I think that your comments show that you don't have a particularly good understanding of my situation.
Why am I asking for laboratory accommodations?
What laboratory accommodations have they offered me? I must have missed that part. Please, enlighten me.
I glad to hear that you found pre-med in the US to be a walk in the park... What do you know of the pre-med process that is required of me in the country in which I am located?
I'm curious... Would you say to someone with dyscalculia that they should just take time to get better at reading? They should keep banging away at learning to read the same way that everyone else is being taught? If they turn out to be good at something else... Sport? Then this is particularly the case?
You haven't encountered the tertiary education-babysitting situation over here, to the best of my knowledge. Over-crowded environments with wiggly people who chatter and yip and squeal and jostle. Overheard conversations of how 'I didn't even study for that last test bro' and 'Have you done your readings? Nah, neither have I' and 'He said that she said that he thought that she did...' And then about how labs are supposed to be fun! And 'just do what she's doing, just copy along!' and the class average for labs is 13/15 percent of their grade for the course *because that is what is required to keep the pass rate up*.
I'm not so good at 'just copy along!' especially since it is supposed to be individual work. Giggle giggle giggle flirt 'I can't do number three it is SO HARD' and lab assistant tells them what to write down...
I don't feel particularly bad about not being able to communicate with people who are employed to deal with the above students. There is a reason why they are employed to deal with the above students. Most of the actual academics have better things to be doing than wasting their time trying to manage students who can't be bothered to turn up, listen, do their reading, do any study etc. Most of them are requesting exam or test or attendance accommodations. Because giggle giggle giggle giggle flirt. But they just LOVE science because labs are SO FUN! And because they think they are good at them. Which might serve them well if they manage to get a job in a medical laboratory one day. You know, filling the jars with agar.
I'd happily leave them to it... But 15 or 20 percent of the grade is the laboratory component. And there are actual things that we are supposed to be learing in labs - and I'm not talking about ones ability to giggle and flirt.
It is possible that (probable that. F*ck*ng well highly probable that) labs will go MUCH better for me next year because I won't be doing the remedial type classes. There are skills I need to learn... I need to learn those skills... Currently... Well... Last lab I had lab partner to deal with... Helping her clean up her mess... Seemed rude to say no. Helping her fill in her lab report. Again, seemed rude to say no. Not showing her my work for the test that was supposed to be independently done. Big eyes from her. Looking around the class.. Never seen so very many people working independently together...
But what the f*ck would I know about social communication.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2014, at 17:44:18
In reply to Re: bugs » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on August 8, 2014, at 9:16:03
i wasn't enraged because she said no.
i was enraged because she kept saying that i couldn't observe a lab in advance because it 'gave me an unfair advantage' to have seen the assessment. i told her that i saw that tests being handed out face down, yes. but that i didn't see the content of the test. i was enraged that she thought that that was an unfair advantage. because... i can't communicate with a person who thinks that. i mean... i just don't know what to say to them at that point.
i was enraged because she kept saying i was asking for unfair advantage rather than reasonable accommodation.
i was enraged because she kept saying they were offering me accommodation and when i asked what accommodation they were offering me she started telling me that i wasn't any good at biology. then when i said 'oh the 'maybe you just suck at biology' objection' she went all 'WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME'.
her position is to deal with the giggly flirters who didn't turn up to their lab because, like, they forgot to check their timetable tee hee. or they didn't make that test because big eyes they couldn't find the room. i'm sure she's great at managing such students. herd them through, take 3 years of money out of them. give them a science degree because, you know, they just LOVE SCIENCE because LABS ARE SO FUN!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
i won't have to deal with such people beyond first year.
but next year is first year all over again. except it will be full of the best kids as well as some stragglers. currently... i'm mostly dealing with the straggle...
we will have to see. i'm afraid because chemistry labs got to the point where i couldn't walk into the laboratory without having a full on panic attack / overwhelm that took me out for most of the day. through the semester... labs got progressively worse. i'm concerned that that not happen again. by setting things up in order to prevent crisis.
but i must remember: the reason borderline personality kicked off so very f*ck*ng well over here is because we have no f*ck*ng sense of prevention at all. it is all ambulance at the bottom of the cliff and 'aw we would have spent money on helping them but they went and killed themself and look at the savings we've made!'
of course she wants me to waste three years on a useless degree... that's her f*ck*ng job... to herd the straggle through that. and of course people straggle (do poorly). her job is to deal with the straggle. to console them. when they look at her with big eyes and oggle over how SMART she must be to have such a BIG INTIMIDATING DESK position at a university.
like how the sport people at tech wanted to keep me, too. keep me off the streets. keep me babysitting them... and physio wanted to keep me too. the accommodation people where i was so very very very very very f*ck*ng unhappy. they wanted to keep me. horrible frantic clawing. 'being friendly' we call it.
i have a lot more empathy (really very masses and masses and masses of it) when such people are: not in positions of power over me. because such people... if i don't look after them they tantrum / rage. but they are being paid how much exactly to look after me? LIVID.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2014, at 18:35:19
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2014, at 17:44:18
i guess it does come from insecurity. the people who are all 'oh my god! you don't even know how to do that! you should just drop out now because there is no way you can pass!'.
which is what i got fairly early on in chemistry. because i didn't know how to rearrange an equation.
it took all of about 3 minutes for a physics tutor to show me how - and now i can do it.
some people... it is all about hierarchy. the happy puppy game. they just love an excuse to puff out their own chests for being superior to others. the problem with that is that... they are in positions of power. they are in roles like tutor and their job is to help people learn. not to lord their knowledge over others.
those people... tends to be the same people... seem to get a real kick out of the thought that i might be bad at something. i remember at least one primary school teacher being filled with absolute glee that i couldn't be accelerated a year because my maths wasn't particularly good. she obviously didn't like me so very much... WHY COULDN'T SHE USE THAT TO HELP THEM LET ME GO
some people get a kick out of the thought that i might be bad at labs. working things up... labs are a form of 'practical knowledge' that i'm bad at. they get a real kick out of that. glee.
their job isn't to get a kick out of it, though. their job is to help me learn. they're too busy gloating that i don't know, already. puffing out their chests.
i think life it about... protecting oneself from negative forces such as this. minimising time spent... no, that's not true, minimising the degree to which it affects one. the degree to which it affects one. that is about power. you don't want such people in positions of power over you. unless you are particularly good at the smiling and flirting and 'oh my GAWD you are such a BIG and STRONG and SMART human being' game... puff out your chest oh please puff out your chest oh there is nothing more impressive than when you puff out your chest my whole life is devoted to it...
how did this get to be the game at university?
this university is fairly segmented, i'm coming to realise. like how my old university was... then it got to be less so over time... there are a bunch of research institutes about. swipe card access. i'm talking about big buildings here with common spaces as well as hallways and individual offices etc. swipe card access. you really do have to have gated communities in order to function. currently i'm dealing with the remedial situation... the problem is that i can't work my way out of it by beating them at their own game (so to speak) because their own game is teh puffing out of ones chest...
i'm fairly certain that i won't be sticking about to do a physiology degree if that means more contact with the biological science first year convenor... law is... going much much better than i had supposed. the carry over, i mean. had a tutorial and tutor is judges clark (not an idiot). secure enough to take delight in students raising things she hadn't thought of so she got to think of them. instead of being all butt hurt that they scrambled over her in some happy puppy scramble game.
i don't understand why these people are placed in positions of power at university. i mean... i do... it is because you want people *just like them* to herd the masses through. what masses? the masses of squealy, yippy 'did you do your readings? nah.. me neither' people. the ones who 'just LOVE labs they are so much FUN EEEEEEEEEE!' herd them through... take their money... redistribute that to managers who get to puff out their chests.
it is tiresome. i don't function well in it. i need to get away... issue is one of gatekeepers... to a certain extent...
i think perhaps i did do wrong in having this foundations year. i would have been better to have gone straight into biomed... not done well enough in the first year, of course. but learned a hell of a lot over three years and applied to med from that.
this way... dealing with people i'm dealing with... ffs...
it really is a power thing. when those people come to me for stuff (in my class) i do my best to help them learn. even though they seem incapable of returning the favor.
it does go back to that thing... you take power not because you want power. you take it only because your taking it is the lesser of the available evils. sigh. f*ck*ng hat it.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2014, at 18:36:40
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2014, at 18:35:19
back to the whole 'you've learned enough' mentality. 'you've shown yourself to be good at one thing so you are a greedy little bitch in trying to be good at other things'. hatred of me.
need to get away.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2014, at 18:43:32
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2014, at 18:36:40
UNLESS:
all will be saved if i can do a convincing performance.
one where i'm all impressed by aspects of them that they value. their superior social skills and their practical knowledge, i suppose. that would be what they would say about that.
because that is what university is about, of course. that is what it should be about.
take a job... one that is... only going to appeal to a certain number of people. not heaps of people. and then the idea that it represents a considerable investment of resources (from society) to train people to that that job. you might think that all is well that only a few people want to do it because only a few people can. all is well.
but now lets add a little something to the mix: KUDOS. the WOW factor. esteem. lets GLAMORIZE the job by misrepresenting it on television etc. lets make the job HIGH PAYING. now.... a hell of a lot more people want to do it. why? FOR THE WRONG F*CK*NG REASONS.
so now... a bunch of people who wanted to do it for the right reasons... miss out because places are going to people who want to do it for the wrong reasons.
Know what happened then?
THEY WORRIED THAT NOT HEAPS OF PEOPLE WANT TO DO THE JOB AFTER ALL SO NOW THEY WANT TO CHANGE THE NATURE OF THE JOB.
apparently the way to attract more surgeons is to offer BETTER WORKING CONDITIONS. because, you know, the people who wanted to do it for the wrong reasons are worried that they aren't getting all the kudos and money out of it than they thought they'd get. the people on grey's anatomy are having much more fun social lives and much better working hours.
sigh.
the world sucks. honestly.
Posted by Twinleaf on August 8, 2014, at 19:36:26
In reply to Re: bugs » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on August 8, 2014, at 9:16:03
Ohhh - Kayyy. It wasn't my intent, at all, to make you feel worse. I'm not sure how a post that expresses confidence in your intelligence and potential for excellence, and suggests that you allow those qualities time to come to the forefront, so that you can also have full confidence in them, can be all that stressful. But, I guess it was......
I think we all tend to lose our tempers more when we are under more stress. I certainly do, even though I know it's really not in my own best interest. I think that's all I was trying to say to you.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 20, 2014, at 19:34:25
In reply to Re: bugs » Twinleaf, posted by Twinleaf on August 8, 2014, at 19:36:26
> Ohhh - Kayyy. It wasn't my intent, at all, to make you feel worse. I'm not sure how a post that expresses confidence in your intelligence and potential for excellence, and suggests that you allow those qualities time to come to the forefront, so that you can also have full confidence in them, can be all that stressful. But, I guess it was......
I guess I focused on other aspects of your post.
> I think we all tend to lose our tempers more when we are under more stress. I certainly do, even though I know it's really not in my own best interest. I think that's all I was trying to say to you.
Yes, indeed that is true.
I should know you better than to think that you were snarky or something like that with me... I was very stressed. I'm sorry for reacting so strongly.
A large part of it has been my coming to terms with the fact that I need to take another year. I suspect that you are right... That I can do it. Do the whole lab myself... While simultaneously teaching it all to my lab partner... But it will take some more time. For simple things to become automatic to reduce the cognitive load. And as I relax a bit I'm more likely to be better able to figure out how to connect with similarly motivated students...
I feel quite angry that it needs to take so long. It could be done in considerably less time if all the kids who wanted to faff about would go faff someplace else. But... Well... You get what you pay for. Or something. It will take a few years to find my way up.
Posted by Twinleaf on August 20, 2014, at 20:02:19
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 20, 2014, at 19:34:25
Thanks, Alex -I really do appreciate your understanding response.
I have gotten the impression that you never got an opportunity to take the math and science in high school that so many people take. Of course I am comparing the US and NZ, and I don't know at all what is usually taught in NZ high schools.
Maybe taking an additional preparatory year will really help fill in those presumed gaps. Just take the number of courses you can comfortably handle. The goal would be to avoid panic, get comfortable and confident - and then just ace those courses!
Posted by alexandra_k on August 21, 2014, at 2:02:49
In reply to Re: bugs » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on August 20, 2014, at 20:02:19
> Thanks, Alex -I really do appreciate your understanding response.
Thats okay. Sorry it took me so long to get to it.
I think it is so hard because doing my PhD... Then deciding that I wanted to do medicine... Seeing friends decide the same thing for themselves... Seeing them getting accepted to graduate entry programs in Australia. Then getting an interview for NZ and that seemed to go well... And then not even being wait-listed for a place. I felt devastated, rather.
Then taking a bunch of time out... Then deciding it was time to get serious... Then... It feels like to me... Wasting last year on the whole physiotherapy tangent. This year was supposed to be me being back on track. Annoying... Taking a year to do the competitive entry to medicine thing... Felt like I was delaying things for a year having to do that.
Then learning that I needed to take a year to prepare for that year. So this year is preparation for that delay... Then... Coming to terms with another year to prepare... I'll be retired before I'm ready to begin it feels like! How can people say that life is too long!
But, yeah...
I'm thinking I might see if I can take the Chemistry paper I took this year again next year. Don't know if I can. I got a B+ for it which means I got a good 1/4 of it wrong... And I did sh*t for all the labs so I could learn a lot from doing it again... And get my A something or other next time around. Build a lot of confidence. Not sure if I'm allowed... Probably they will be happy to take my money...
I never did math... Or any science. Well, I did biology my final year and just scraped through on general knowledge. I have faint memories of Hardy Weinberg equations but I messed them up for the exam, anyway.
I was an English Lit, History, Art History, kind of person. Classical Studies. I have no math, basically, yeah. No chemistry or physics... And yeah, a bunch of kids have been geeking out on rockets and planets and explosives and so on and so forth... Guns... airplanes... Since they were, like, 7. Ha. will take a bit to catch up.
Posted by Twinleaf on August 21, 2014, at 7:25:01
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 21, 2014, at 2:02:49
The usual way of doing things here (US) is to take some math and a science for at least three years of high school. Even in the less good schools, you get geometry, beginning algebra, biology and chemistry. If it's.a better school, you will also get physics and calculus and probably two chemistry courses.
If you had had that preparation, it would have been much easier for you to move comfortably into pre-med.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 23, 2014, at 17:11:58
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by Twinleaf on August 21, 2014, at 7:25:01
well, yes, the math science background you just said... same thing here. i just... don't have the background. so people said i couldn't do it... and i wouldn't accept that... so... i'm doing what i'm doing now, i guess...
feeling really very flat, actually. guess it is par for the course 3/4 of the way through the academic year. we don't have a 'spring break' culture the way the US does... but they do seem to be doing something... with respect to the break. i've got 3 major tests before the study break. i wish they were after the break. then i'd be able to study through the break and i'd feel better prepared for them. only... lecturers would rather do their grading during a teaching recess so they want to do the tests before the break... it will mean i can take a couple days off or something during the break... i think i need it, honestly. and i have a little grading to be doing...
i'm just not caring particularly. i'm feeling like... i'm only doing animal biology because it was meant to prepare me for cell and devo... and i guess aspects are a bit... but mostly... i'm not particularly interested in it... and the physiology stuff is interesting... but we do it at a very superficial level... and some of the philogony stuff doesn't seem terribly far removed from mythology... just waiting for the angels and god at the end of it... adding 'this isn't to imply that humans are at the apex of the evolutionary hierarchy' to the concluding paragraph doesn't... remidy(?) things, particularly... i think... we haven't quite gotten things particularly clear in our way of thinking... which is perhaps why philosophers are working on it. i just... i'm not particularly interested, honestly. i'm sorry... maybe it is just the time of year...
physics... my numbers still don't seem to come out right. feels to me like every calculation requires about 6 steps and even if i get 5 of them right (f*ck*ng yay!!!) and see which steps i need to do / equations i need to employ - i'm still bound to f*ck up one of them. which means i get NO MARKS. :( just stupid things... x10^-3 instead of x10^3 for the unit conversion... or... whatever... hitting the minus instead of the negation button on my calculator... not seeing what rearrangement i need to do to the equation to get what i need... sigh.
law is... history... tedious. i don't know what to say... there is plussage (our grade for the test only contributes to 20% of the grade if we do better on the test than the final)... so... i've got other things to be studying...
fairly sure it is the time of year.
and then i have a chunk of grading next week. just a tiny chunk, actually. only 1 class worth (where 2 is usual). so... should be done in 2-3 days...
I guess... Physics. practice practice practice...
it is also... i guess it is also a bit of a shock to my system that i'm not doing as well as i thought i'd do. i mean... last semester with just taking chemistry... i really thought i'd ace things. and then the first test went really well. but then labs were sh*t. and then things fell apart for the second test, rather, in a way that... was fairly soul destroying for me, actually. physics... physics tests... i'm worried, i guess, that it will be that... doing my best... working hard to prepare for it... just... not being able to do it. i guess it is like they said before... lots of kids spend several years at high school doing this stuff... what makes you think you can just come in with no background and do well in it? and i was like... 'study skills'. and in a sense... that is true. i have an ability to focus that lots of 18 year olds simply don't have... and a work ethic... i have different priorities... but not different from perhaps the top quarter of them... those who have worked hard... so... i don't know what to say... just do my best, i suppose. remember that law was supposed to be a pick me up not a drag me down... physics... onward ho....
Posted by alexandra_k on August 25, 2014, at 2:29:45
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 23, 2014, at 17:11:58
meh.
learned about birds today, that was kinda cool. counter-current exchange... how they breathe... how they can fly over mount everest. seems a few things went wrong with people on our way to become gods after all, heh.
i had a memory from primary school today... something about circuits. about having these little wooden boards with switches on them. about wire... little light bulbs. from when i was... 6 or 7... and today... the right hand rule... how the f*ck is it that i remember that one? holy crap...
feymann... talking about explanation... about background frameworks for explanation... and i see why it is particularly hard for people to answer my questions in physics... precisely because i don't know anything... sigh.
had a meeting with the learning people today... the disability people who deal with academics, apparently... as opposed to the other branch i was dealing with before that deals with... pastoral care. or something. i don't know. f*ck*ng confusing... anyway... it went okay, i guess. i think i may have clicked with one of them. the other one... not, really. just that thing again of just really not being on the same page / not being able to communicate. anyway... apparently one of them will contact me in a couple weeks... i hope it is the one i clicked with a bit better... the one who obviously knows about OY1 and didn't ask me to explain it etc...
anyway... biology is getting very messy since i don't have a physical copy of the text... in fact... i suspect... that is what i should do right now: go see if i can get one. better a 6th edition or whatever the f*ck it is in the hand than a 10th edition on the computer. sigh. i really do have to buy textbooks...
Posted by alexandra_k on August 26, 2014, at 19:30:13
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 25, 2014, at 2:29:45
law test... went okay. not amazing, but not horrible. feel... fairly okay... fingers crossed for some kind of an A... i do hope that is on the cards...
lab today... exhausted. wah!
then physics test tomorrow :( then court...
then biology test the next day...
then: collapse. then grading.
so tempted to not go to lab and to sleep.. . then study for physics... but borrowing time... shuffles the stress about rather than alleviating things.
dissection of a fishy fish fish. oh joy. and i'm supposed to be playing hide and f*ck*ng seek about fish parts... our lab manual is full of rhetorical questions. whose supposed to be teaching whom hmm? hmm? hrmmmmmm?
sigh.
so tired.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2014, at 0:35:23
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 26, 2014, at 19:30:13
well that was actually... fun. we had to put the relevant parts inside circles on a paper tray... and different people had different species... and they put on some music... and i am (slowly) getting the hang of biological drawing...
I got a nice email back from the teaching learning development people... i think maybe they were testing me a little bit...
anyway... i think another year is the thing to do. i'm starting to get a sense of science as being an accumulation of facts... and building up the knowledge... and another year of knowledge can only help. and a lab intensive year... so i can relax more the following year...
important for me to have good contacts, though. so if i do have problems... hopefully a solution can be figured before it gets to panic attack and nearly failing stage - like what happened with chemistry last semester.
physics test tomorrow... right now... i need to sleep. fingers crossed for something approximating a b... oh dear. i am not very good at physics :(
oh.. he showed us this hand turbine magnet (maybe that was what it was) made out of a fisher and paykal washing machine inside. turn the handle and... it powered a light bulb... and an energy saving one, too. i was like 'could it power a tv?' it was amazing how different the resistence felt ... thinking... people who sit and watch tv all day... imagine if you had to power it via a seated bike / hand bike / rower... or an exercise equipment that could... power your washing machine to wash your gym gear at least. ha. anyway... pretty cool... just... still (conceptually) back at force and latter sections of mechanics... got some stuff with electrodynamics... but statics still a bit problematic and magnetism is just woosh right over me for now...
Posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2014, at 20:31:22
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2014, at 0:35:23
physics was... i don't know. could have been worse. but then, i could have done better. and i probably did a whole heap worse than i think i did. i work all... impressionistic. then working back through touching up various parts... calculating a different answer with numerous revisions and touch ups... i just don't work particularly... methodically... sequentially... but i didn't freeze up entirely. and i didn't feel rushed. except for the brainwave i had right at the very end... that i didn't have time to compute...
court was...
i think i would probably do a better job of representing myself, honestly.
i keep track of details whereas lawyers... barely seem to read the summary before court appearance. all the stuff i sent my lawyer... don't think she read any of it.
the judge said something about how i might want to think about some kind of reparation. i wrote an apology letter already. lawyer seemed to have forgotten that. then afterwards was tryign to persuade me to say that i want to do anger management next time. she didn't read my f*ck*ng statemnt in whcih i made it clear it wasnt' an anger thing. ffs. judge said a lot of paperwork to be done... which i've done already... which lawyer has done none of.
apparently lawyer needs to get some affadavit thing... for me to sign. lets see what kind of a job she manages to do of that...
i really think... she's looking out for herself...
Posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2014, at 20:39:58
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2014, at 20:31:22
and it was a different court. a... higher up? court. something... protocol was observed more... still awkwardly at times. the self consciousness that occurs when it isn't observed thoroughly enough to be simply natural... someone entering in the room keeping her head down - out of the judges sight... but forgetting to close the door behind her so beep beep f*ck*ng beep... the noises of people *trying* to be quiet... felt a bit like... playing court. which is... a bit crap, really. given that it *is* court.
and people are only capable of playing court in the presence of the judge. get lawyers and police officers and clerks together when the judge is out of the room and it is all about how drunk people got over the weekend... and joking around about some violent guy who might be putting in an appearance, how they'd sic one of the cops on him 'go get him xx... get him, get him'. the cop was 'we're just kidding around' in my direction... sort of realising the inappropriateness of it all but... people simply can't help themselves.
i wonder if high court is similar.
?
court of appeal
?
at what point to people just get on with the job. at what point to people display a little... class? i think that is it... i see a lot of tacky tacky tacky. happy puppy jostling... just generally... why don't more people display a bit of class? thinking about what it means... uh... i guess... guys tend to find what it means to respect a lady when they have a daughter they care for. i don't entirely know what i'm saying... perhaps it is an age thing... i wonder where i'd be right now... what i'd be doing... if i'd have gotten into something like law or medicine back when i was 18 like the other kiddies. maybe it is just about my having grown out of the kiddie pool already... i don't know.
female judge. i'm not sure what to say... who knows what will happen... i think next appearance will be the last., anyway.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2014, at 20:46:15
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2014, at 20:39:58
i think i really will see about this affadavit thing... and if i'm not impressed by my lawyers handing of it - then i'll elect to represent myself.
i think... my lawyer wants me to say i'll do an anger management course because it is something she's been taught as a template of reparation for people who have done what i've just pleaded guilty for. the fact that i'm telling her that i don't have an anger problem (i didn't hit her out of anger) is something that her poor brain doens't seem able to compute. i believe... the judges brain is probably up to it, however.
sigh.
i think i can represent myself... if i turn up a bit early and observe procedure... then attempt to imitate it best i can (and say i'm choosing to represent myself) i think... they will help me along / put up with a little bit of protocol whoopsies given the circumstances.
i think... things might go better for me with the judge than my trying to work through a lawyer who has it set in their mind that if i want to help myself (and of course make their job seem easier to them) then i'd simply offer to do an anger management course. because... i don't expect she will put much into her paperwork... and i don't expect the quality to be stellar even if she did, honestly.
anyway... maybe i'm being unfair. i suspect not.
we will see what the affadvait looks like. at least it will give me a templalte.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 28, 2014, at 10:14:34
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2014, at 20:46:15
I think I failed the physics tests. A lot of the questions are worth two marks, but I think you need the right answer to get any of them. It isn't that you get a mark for a valid general strategy, and a mark for calculation. I think I mostly got the strategy. Not always... Maybe 3/4 of the time. But with inaccurate calculation it is worth precisely what othing. And there it is. There really isn't anything gradewise to distinguish my efforts from the students who complete their homeworks by extracting the answers out of other people. And there it is. So sick of the kiddie pool...
Posted by alexandra_k on August 28, 2014, at 21:39:07
In reply to Re: bugs, posted by alexandra_k on August 28, 2014, at 10:14:34
of course i'm not going to end up representing myself... i'm just exhausted. that horrible cranky over-tired. this week really has been the week from hell with all the assessments and lab... then extra stuff with court and the learning needs people... and grading stuff i wasn't meant to start thinking about till next week but got sent some stuff on that so it's started swirling around in there already...
at least i'm not sick. a lot of people are. most people aren't showing up to classes this week... which will only pressure them more with the approach to exam (since stuff this week will surely show for that). i guess i'm fighting off something though... slept early last night (instead of studying). tossed and turned much of the night. still exhausted... biology test tonight. 6.30-8.30 on a Friday just before break. for a 35% test. Bastards. on a lab week, too. Bastards. I'm certainly not as prepared as I should be... Can put in a couple hours now... Then nap for an hour... Then just do the best I can.
Take a benzo tonight so I don't toss and turn all night. Take the weekend off... Grading early next week... Then lots and lots of reading I need to do... Prereading for the second half... Practicing calculations for physics... Last test (that I probably failed) only worth 10%. Guess they know... 60% for the exam... I hope things come together better for me then. Practice... Practice... Practice... I was capable of doing them. They weren't particularly hard. It was just... Freaking out. Freaking out and rushing and stupid errors... Hard after writing a law exam... Glad to have the exam early right after the last test...
Garbeled... Sorry... Exam timetable just went up. Physics test (10%) last day of semester. Then 6 days before physics exam. Then 7 days before biology exam. Then 3 days before law exam. Kinda wish a little more time before law - but I"ll be stuffed by then, honestly. Good to get physics done early - just after the test. When I'm in... Physics mode. Then cramming for bio. Then... Reading for law. She wants more names and dates and section this and maaori phrase that... Which is all fair... But takes time... And while I have been doing the readings I haven't been summarising them quite the way I should be... And, uh, I did them before the semester started, really, in a blitz of a day or two... And refresh a bit as I'm able, but, uh, not well enough, really. I'll get the rest of them done before we start back after break, of course. But that isn't really good enough... I knows... Sigh. Not enough hours...
I am starting to get interested in international law... stuff about infant milk formula and growing vaccines in tobacco plants and so on... baby gammy... disability discrimination... the role of... society... culture... even judges are governed by popular opinion... you don't want a revolution, i guess... how the treaty is being used over here to protect us kiwis from foreign exploitation... how it can be... it is a way of interpreting things... how lawyers / judges have started... but how the public and politicians don't really understand as yet... they still fear it... think that the law is giving more to maaori than to middle class white folk... mmm hmm... in protecting us from being exploited by foreign corporations and from sh*tt*ng too badly in our own nests... anyway... getting more interesting... which might well be for the best... since this whole medicine thing... well... the uni isn't set up to prepare people for the 'hard' courses so much as being happy to take everybodies money... i probably don't have a chance of doing well enough... and even if i did well enough i think the interviewers are more interested in how medicine has been in my family for generations than anything else.. for a position that involves managing teams of allied health professionals so well they don't even know they are being managed. maybe something like law would be better for me... i don't know... i guess i should have a frank conversation with some academic people i know about realistic.... options... that might open up for me were i to pursue that path...
playing happy puppy games with other lawyers / judges clerks / police... doesn't really do it for me, i mean. if that is part of the job description... i'm not sure i could do... would like... i'd probably be more of a judges lawyer but then... i'm sure a lot of people would prefer to do that...
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