![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by James K on February 8, 2006, at 4:07:14
This post combines so many different subjects, social is the only place for it.
Today, my wife admitted to me that she is fully aware that as soon as I complete my upcoming (Friday) Lasik eye surgery, and follow up, I am going to f*ck up big time. This is rare putting the truth right out in the open stuff. There is much history. When her brother was dying, and I was in a depression, I assured her everything was cool, and I would be fine with her out of town while she did what she had to do. I took care of myself and the house and the cats and work and everything was cool. (some of you may be thinking what a lazy good for nothing dependent whatever etc., guilty as charged. I do the best I can.) But I told one of my good friend/bosses at work, that I was only hanging on because I couldn't hurt my loved one while she was dealing with so much. Not on purpose, but soon after all that was over, I almost died.When she had cancer, and I had a chronic diagnosis, I did what I had to do, and stood up and worked all day and spent all evening in the hospital and took no breaks or sympathy from anyone. The day the positive diagnosis came through, I took the phone call at work and asked to leave early. The day she had the surgery I took a day off and spent all day there. Her daughters showed up for a short time. I went back to work the next day. I helped customers and whatever, and almost nobody knew. Again, somewhat later I ended up in the hospital. I don't remember any of this.
Now, there is nothing wrong. I'm just mentally ill. I'm depressed so bad. I'm drinking some, but actually much less than most of my life. But my tolerance is insane high. If any of you have followed my recent history, things have gone weird. I always know when things are going real bad, and I've always committed some horrible act to stop the train. But I committed the horrible act two weeks ago, and nothing stopped.
Now my wife tells me she knows it's coming, and I know it's coming. And I might be scared. How I can I spend thousands of dollars on eye surgery right now. Just to give me something to hang on to for another week? Can I stop the inevitable?
I love her. There are only three people in my life, my little sister, my best friend, and my wife. and she is number one. She knows it's coming and she can't do a damn thing about it. If anyone tells me to do something I might not, or I might do it to a ridiculous extreme. She told me she has given up making suggestions, because the result hasn't always turned out the best. She will answer Questions. I asked her should i go into a hospital, she said yes, I asked her does she remember other times, she says yes. she knows this is one of those as soon as I take care of current business I will go way out there. What can we do?
I don't know where to sign into. some people here have helped me. How can someone who wants to die and/or destroy make the proper decisions. Saying I want to live and will take steps to do so, just because you recognize you recognize that maybe you feel differently isn't proper motivation.
I met my wife in my first treatment way back when. she is older than me. She was leaving an abusive long term husband. I was fighting suicide and alcoholism. We became friends with some other inmates after the fact, and then more happened. I left the halfway house I was living in and took out the rest of my money and bought some books and some boooze and checked into a 20 dollar a night hotel. I was going to go out hard. this was about 13 years ago. Real death trip stuff. She had promised me a homecooked meal and I somehow remembered and showed up and never left.
She has never left me physically or emotionally. We were both done. anything that happened next was a fresh start. How can I do wrong? I don't beat her up. That is a hard standard to live up to. Don't beat her up and I'm a hero. Beat up her ex. (I didn't, but I helped her move her stuff then almost gave his whole damn family heart attacks with phone calls.) I have to do right because I am good and it is right. I can get away with anything. So I work, as does she, and I suffer sickness mental and physical, as has she, and lately I'm the one who is f*cked up. She has improved faster than me. I want one last time to get it right.
I have to get to the help before I f*ck up big. and I have to make it work forever this time.
The gd'ed newspaper just hit the fence, and she is going to wake up and see me awake and drunk and worry her *ss off all day at work, but know she is probably okay until Wednesday or something. I'm f*cking up.
James K
Posted by fairywings on February 8, 2006, at 8:46:01
In reply to Epic post for the after 3:am'ers, posted by James K on February 8, 2006, at 4:07:14
Sounds like you know what's coming and know the only way to stop it is through hospitalization, so maybe that's a place to start? Maybe you can look at your alternatives. See if there's somehting you haven't tried before, something completely different to try.What is it that made your wife get better more quickly? Why do you think you're bent on self destruction - I'm not criticizing, I think I'm just asking about what you've stated. I only want to try to understand. What does your wife think is the reason, and does she have any ideas about what would help? *You know a lot of the SI sites (self injury)* say ppl do the self destructive stuff to kind of snap themselves back into reality, to feel what they can't seem to feel w/o si. (when i was a teen, it was purely anger for me, so i don't know)
Does your wife see a different pdoc? Is your current pdoc good, does he understand, is he helping? What are his ideas? Has he suggested anything different. Have you considered getting a brain scan, like at the Amen Clinic?
www.brainplace.com Maybe the meds you're on are targeting the wrong part of the brain?Have you visited the forums on crazy meds?
http://www.crazymeds.org/cgi-bin/yabb2/YaBB.pl
It's not only for meds, but to discuss different stuff like what's going on, diagnosis, novel treatment....stuff like that.
I know you said you're drinking less now, but have you tried AA? My dad was an alcoholic all his life, never got over it, and I don't want to see anyone go through that. I know you've probably tried a million diff. things, but keep trying. I can't imagine anything more diff. than getting off an addictive substance - so I'm pulling for you.
It is good you're having the eye surgery. Take good care of yourself, esp. afterwards when you have to be esp. careful. Maybe this will be a new beginning. Wish I had more to offer, wish I could say something profound that would make a diff.
fw
Posted by AuntieMel on February 8, 2006, at 9:37:29
In reply to Epic post for the after 3:am'ers, posted by James K on February 8, 2006, at 4:07:14
Forget the eye surgery. What the heck good is it if you destroy yourself? Are you wanting to look better in your coffin?
Get thee to a treatment center. Now!
Posted by Phillipa on February 8, 2006, at 11:15:57
In reply to Epic post for the after 3:am'ers, posted by James K on February 8, 2006, at 4:07:14
James E-mail me again. I thought you had it worked out about the one or two week thing. I know you said you wanted to get better and that anger was standing in your way. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by James K on February 8, 2006, at 13:23:36
In reply to Re: Epic post for the after 3:am'ers *trigger* » James K, posted by fairywings on February 8, 2006, at 8:46:01
>
> Sounds like you know what's coming and know the only way to stop it is through hospitalization, so maybe that's a place to start? Maybe you can look at your alternatives. See if there's somehting you haven't tried before, something completely different to try.---the different thing to try would be completely buying into recovery and all the follow up and longterm relationship with therapist and pdoc.
>
> What is it that made your wife get better more quickly? Why do you think you're bent on self destruction - I'm not criticizing, I think I'm just asking about what you've stated. I only want to try to understand. What does your wife think is the reason, and does she have any ideas about what would help? *You know a lot of the SI sites (self injury)* say ppl do the self destructive stuff to kind of snap themselves back into reality, to feel what they can't seem to feel w/o si. (when i was a teen, it was purely anger for me, so i don't know)---She, and I, think the problem is some kind of PTSD. I had so many little hurts and humiliations when I was young piled on top of each other, and I flash back. And I transfer current situations and feelings to those old feelings. Only now I have the power and I use it on myself.
>
> Does your wife see a different pdoc? Is your current pdoc good, does he understand, is he helping? What are his ideas? Has he suggested anything different.---She had emdr and some therapy. and as the quality of her life improved so much, she just gradually got better. She is very strong.
I fired my pdoc when he told me to come in the hopital and 3 mornings later I tried to come in and the intake staff told the emergency room that there were no beds. I later found out he was talking to the doctors there, but the staff level people were so b.s. and they just sent me home all covered in blood, good luck. And I tried to go in two days later and they kept me sitting there for hours and then I bolted and they mentioned warrants and stuff and now I don't know how to get back to where I was. He was going to do testing on me for the first time. I only saw him twice. He is retired but runs that program, and I guess he took an interest in my case. I'm sounding like an idiot right now.
Have you considered getting a brain scan, like at the Amen Clinic?
> www.brainplace.com Maybe the meds you're on are targeting the wrong part of the brain?
>
> Have you visited the forums on crazy meds?
>
> http://www.crazymeds.org/cgi-bin/yabb2/YaBB.pl
>
> It's not only for meds, but to discuss different stuff like what's going on, diagnosis, novel treatment....stuff like that.
>
----I'll go look at those.
know you said you're drinking less now, but have you tried AA? My dad was an alcoholic all his life, never got over it, and I don't want to see anyone go through that. I know you've probably tried a million diff. things, but keep trying. I can't imagine anything more diff. than getting off an addictive substance - so I'm pulling for you.----I've done so bad when I was sober, that it makes quitting seem pointless. I know better, it's just all tied up in all of this confusion. Being locked up will help because I can't make decisions if i get drunk when I'm freaking out already.
>
> It is good you're having the eye surgery. Take good care of yourself, esp. afterwards when you have to be esp. careful. Maybe this will be a new beginning. Wish I had more to offer, wish I could say something profound that would make a diff.
>
> fwthank you, what you've said has helped.
James k
>
>
Posted by James K on February 8, 2006, at 14:03:45
In reply to Re: Go check yourself in - no waiting *trigger* » James K, posted by AuntieMel on February 8, 2006, at 9:37:29
I feel like say "Yes Ma'am" before you pull my ear.
I just this minute got off the phone with my wife and authorized her to start making the phone calls to see if Menninger will have a bed, and if the insurance will be willing to pay the out-of-network share with maximum out of pocket for that center. If we can't swing that, It's back to intracare. I don't want to go out of city. w.o. has bad memories for me. They left the coat hooks in the closets. I'm going to go ahead with the eye surgery, so the soonest I could check in is mid day one week from now. Menninger doesn't take people in immediate (right that second) crisis anyway. So I'll have to show insurance that my whole life is crisis for last two years and it's in their financial interests to let me have the best care possible. rambling, but I did just take step one on the right path.
James k
Posted by Damos on February 8, 2006, at 15:36:11
In reply to Epic post for the after 3:am'ers, posted by James K on February 8, 2006, at 4:07:14
Thank you.
Mate you have posted some serious, brave and really important stuff and I really admire you for that.
The fact that I wanted to climb through my screen and be your shadow and be there to crash tackle you (you better not be too d*mn big) and wrestle to keep you safe from yourself till the darkness passes means a lot. You are worth it and your wife deserves it. Just wish I had something more than words to offer you.
Guess the most important gift you can give her is to do whatever it takes to be safe from harm/harming - cause she obviously loves a heck of a lot, and really wants you to be safe.
If it helps to spit the darkness out but you're afraid of a PBC or block or you just need to get stuff out that you don't even want people to read, babblemail me if it'll help.
Stay with us James K, stay with us.
Damos
Posted by James K on February 8, 2006, at 19:13:32
In reply to Re: Epic post for the after 3:am'ers » James K, posted by Damos on February 8, 2006, at 15:36:11
I'm not doing a lot of posting today. Trying to not repeat previous patterns. But I don't want to let this go.
Damos, this is the second or third time you've said some very powerfully supportive stuff to me and it means the world to me. I just hadn't aknowledged you yet.
Some of you others here may be getting support fatigue, but if it weren't for you I wouldn't even know where to begin. I love you all and when I'm healthier in a while, your help here will be part of the reason.
james k
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.