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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Shame on February 3, 2006, at 10:36:01
You know, I never really know where to post what I have to say. It never seems to fit anywhere. I post aimless ramblings on the Writing board every so often, mostly because I expect no replies. What I write is so unlike what others post. Most people write poetry, not... well... whatever it is that I write.
The subject of my post? I'm never completely sure where I'm going until I get there. Most posts never get finished, and are consigned to the bit-bucket. One last try to get this one out.
My life, to say the least, is out of control.
No. That’s not fair. -I- am out of control. Most of what I do is a series of near-random acts that I expect to come together to form my life. I do things that a kind person doesn't do. I say things I shouldn't. I'm not comfortable in my own skin or with who I am. Every day I try to be a better 'me', but I always seem to loose sight of it when it matters most.
Today, for example, there is an on-going argument about the temperature in my section of the building. My immediate superior is too hot, so he complains to the front office and they turn on the air conditioning. The fact that its winter and I live in Wisconsin seems to have no bearing on the situation whatsoever. Now I sit in my cube shivering while cold air pours down on me from above. I go to the front office and ask to discuss the temperature in my cube. Compromise. Something that will work for everyone. OK. So far everything is good. Until someone pushes me.
Me : "Its freezing in my cube. All of the engineers are wearing coats because it's so cold. We need to do something about it."
Office Manager (obviously enraged) : "We turned it down because 'Boss Guy' says it's always too hot."
At this point 'Office Manager' stalks off towards the temperature controls in my section, shaking with rage.
Office Manager (adjusting thermostat) : "This HAS to stop. I'm really sick of it!"
Me : "I'll just talk to maintenance and see if something is wrong with the system."
Office Manager : "Maintenance works for ME. I will talk to them."
Me : "It's really not THIS big of a deal."
Office Manager : "YES IT IS. 'Boss Guy' says it's too hot, so we have been keeping the temperature down."
Anyone still reading? OK, so up to this point I was doing pretty well. This is where my hind brain claws it's way to the front of my consciousness and makes me say stupid things...
Me : "Well as soon as 'Boss Guy' does some REAL work, maybe I will give a sh*t what he wants."
Ouch. Now why did I have to say that? Do I mean it? Yes. Should I have said it? No. I don't want to be THAT GUY. The overly agressive guy that puts himself above others. The fact that I do it because I'm insecure makes it even more screwed up. I do that a dozen times a day, faking bluster and taking jabs at others that I perceive as being less competent that myself. What kind of person does that make me? Small wonder I don’t have any friends.
It wasn’t always like this. Like I said, 'When did this guy show up?'. Wouldn't it be nice to be gregarious, charming and fun to be with? Someone you could depend on? Instead the world gets THIS. Someone who brags, puts others down and makes bad decisions.
This sucks.
Posted by Dinah on February 3, 2006, at 10:51:13
In reply to When did this guy show up?, posted by Shame on February 3, 2006, at 10:36:01
I know what you mean. That horrible moment when you think "Did I just say that out loud?"
I have it a lot in situations where I have strong opinions. I'm afraid to go to Sunday School anymore. :(
The only think I can think of is to put myself on three second delay. To think about what I want to say and decide if I want to say it.
It works well enough in some situations, not so well in Sunday School. :)
Posted by Shame on February 3, 2006, at 11:06:51
In reply to Re: When did this guy show up? » Shame, posted by Dinah on February 3, 2006, at 10:51:13
If I could put my whole life on a delay like that, I would definately do it. The Eat/Fight/Sex part of my brain seems to be a little over active. I have the 'Eat' part handled. 3 or 4 more months and I can be at my medically 'ideal' weight. Hooray for Weight Watchers!
As a man I have a certain amount of fire in my belly, but I should be able to keep myself from verbally assaulting people and stomping around like a child on odd occasions.
Posted by James K on February 3, 2006, at 11:20:42
In reply to Re: When did this guy show up?, posted by Shame on February 3, 2006, at 11:06:51
I think I understand and recognize just where you are coming from. That you are aware of it and not particulary liking it is very good. I went for a long time thinking it was how I wanted to be. It ultimately caused me much emotional pain. I don't have good advice yet, because I am still struggling with it. I feel bad when I do it, and bad when I don't.
nice to meet you,
James K
Posted by crazy teresa on February 3, 2006, at 11:26:24
In reply to When did this guy show up?, posted by Shame on February 3, 2006, at 10:36:01
That's the guy who lives inside all of us!
Posted by Dinah on February 3, 2006, at 11:28:07
In reply to Re: When did this guy show up?, posted by Shame on February 3, 2006, at 11:06:51
Congratulations!
But doesn't the success in that part of your life give you a bit of hope on the others? I'll bet the basic principles are the same behind success on all fronts.
Posted by Tabitha on February 3, 2006, at 11:54:03
In reply to When did this guy show up?, posted by Shame on February 3, 2006, at 10:36:01
Having awareness after the fact is a good start. Then you just need to work on getting that awareness to kick in a little earlier, and eventually, it'll happen in time to let you decide not to give voice to those thoughts.
And in the meantime, may I suggest some cardboard and duct tape to block the A/C vent above your cube?
Posted by Shame on February 3, 2006, at 13:03:59
In reply to Re: When did this guy show up? » Shame, posted by Tabitha on February 3, 2006, at 11:54:03
>
> And in the meantime, may I suggest some cardboard and duct tape to block the A/C vent above your cube?
I was going to buy one of those plastic airflow re-director things. I asked for a roof on my cube, but I don't think thats going to happen. I'm still waiting on the screen door too.
Posted by James K on February 3, 2006, at 15:02:54
In reply to Re: When did this guy show up?, posted by Shame on February 3, 2006, at 13:03:59
I hope someone sees this as funny besides me. When I first saw the title of your thread, my first thought was "I've been here six weeks, who is this Shame guy to be asking questions about me?" Then I read your post. I think I'm the center of the universe. it was late.
James k
Posted by Phillipa on February 3, 2006, at 19:10:16
In reply to Re:funny example » Shame, posted by James K on February 3, 2006, at 15:02:54
How bout you all show up in fur coats. Help to get the point across? Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2006, at 5:14:16
In reply to Re:funny example, posted by Phillipa on February 3, 2006, at 19:10:16
lol. yeah i was thinking you could turn up with coats and mittens too. mittens are especially good because you wouldn't be able to do much work wearing mittens ;-) and hats. a nice wollen knitted hat. and a scarf. maybe he'll get the message that way???
i don't know.
i thought you were talking about me. i have a similar problem to what you noticed.
:-(
so... it isn't just a guy thing.
i hope it gets better.
Posted by Shame on February 7, 2006, at 10:59:46
In reply to Re:funny example, posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2006, at 5:14:16
Looks like it was a "malfunction in the air exchanger" or something like that. Apologies were exchanged. I wouldn't describe the climate in the building as "Gaian", but I don't have to bring a heating pad to work anymore.
As for me, Human Resources tells me that I'm not considered a difficult employee and they promised to let me know if I was getting a reputation. I thought it was a good idea to ask now instead of find out the hard way later. Stet?
And as general note to everyone, if anyone here calls you "the new guy" or the like, just claim you have an MBA from Harvard and then correct their spelling. I'm pretty sure that should be in the FAQ as a way of dealing with difficult people.
PS - Someone please correct my spelling.
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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