![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 4 to 28 of 37. Go back in thread:
Posted by Sarah T. on October 15, 2005, at 0:41:11
In reply to single people, I need some answers! Okay, please?, posted by happyflower on October 14, 2005, at 22:09:04
Love triangles don't work. Don't go there. Everyone gets hurt.
Posted by wildcard on October 15, 2005, at 3:18:31
In reply to Re: Don't get involved! » happyflower, posted by Sarah T. on October 15, 2005, at 0:41:11
>I have had that opportunity unfortunately more than once and I have always thought about *his* wife and/or kids and asked myself, "How would I feel if that happened to me?". I walked away and hope one day it never is me. Just think how your actions can change a life in either direction.
Posted by Tamar on October 15, 2005, at 7:20:39
In reply to single people, I need some answers! Okay, please?, posted by happyflower on October 14, 2005, at 22:09:04
> If you saw a married person, and liked them, would you let the fact that they are married, stop you from fliting or doing perhaps more if they other person was willing?
Many years ago, before I met my husband, I fell in love with a married man. I knew his marriage was very unhappy (he didn’t actually live with his wife), but nevertheless he was married. So I never told him I was in love with him, though we did become friends. And after a while I wasn't in love with him any more and I had other partners. Eventually he got divorced and after that we had a brief fling…
To be honest, I think the responsibility for unfaithfulness lies mostly with the married person. I'm not saying the single person in this kind of situation is exempt from blame. But ultimately the person breaking marriage vows is the married person. And the person with responsibility for the spouse’s feelings is the person who is married to her/him.
Just my two cents…
Tamar
Posted by TexasChic on October 15, 2005, at 7:41:38
In reply to Re: Don't get involved!, posted by wildcard on October 15, 2005, at 3:18:31
For some reason, here lately, married men seem to be the only ones that hit on me. It doesn't help my view of marriage (or men) very much.
But this is how I think of it: If a guy likes me, then I want him to pay attention to ME, not go home and sleep with someone else. I mean, how insulting is that? "Yeah, he must really like me, after our date he goes home and has sex with another women". Woohoo, what a winner.
Also, I believe in Karma. If you're doing something that is negative or harmful to someone else, get ready for it to come back at ya! Even if its your own subconscious at work (which is what I believe karma really is). Negativity breeds negativity.
When I get tempted I always think, okay, if I resist this, I will be rewarded by something good in the future. Like an awesome guy a person might not notice if involved with a married man. I know its all in my mind, but if you look for the good karma you deserve, you will find it. I've had some really weird examples of this happening (which has sometimes made me second guess the subconscious theory). I think its just a matter of opening your mind. Okay, I'm getting on one of the two subjects I will ramble on about forever. I've always loved philosophy.
The other subject? My hair. Seriously, I could talk for hours about it! I think I have a hair fetish or something!
Posted by happyflower on October 15, 2005, at 17:53:46
In reply to single people, I need some answers! Okay, please?, posted by happyflower on October 14, 2005, at 22:09:04
Well I workout everyday at the gym and last week there was this guy, very tall but nice muscles, maybe a little younger than me and he kept looking at me and smiling as I was doing laps on the track and on the inside of the track is the gym where he was lifting weights.
Well we crossed paths as I was leaving as he was going to the locker rooms, he told me to have a nice day! LOL
Now my question, I am obviously married, rings and all. Now he has to know I am married, so why is he flirting with me? Now my marriage is on the rocks and I haven't been physically intimate with my DH for months (we have been married 12 years), so I think I am noticing men more. So I wonder if I am giving off the vive that I am a unhappy married. OR is it because I never noticed guys noticing me before because I wasn't doing anything but being home and taking care of the kids.
In the last couple of months, my allergist was flirting with me in a social situation, and other guys. It is great for my ego which is pretty low since my DH doesn't want me. I am in therapy and am finsihed except for my marriage problems. I am happier than I have ever been in my life, except for my marriage. What are your thoughts.
Posted by happyflower on October 15, 2005, at 18:01:59
In reply to The reason I am asking! tell me what you think!, posted by happyflower on October 15, 2005, at 17:53:46
The fact that I have weight to lose, my hair isn't done,very sweaty ( I do 6 miles a day) and no makeup, and still a guy likes me enough to flirt with me , what an ego boost! :) LOL
Posted by Tamar on October 15, 2005, at 19:01:28
In reply to The reason I am asking! tell me what you think!, posted by happyflower on October 15, 2005, at 17:53:46
Hey Happyflower,
It’s always nice to be noticed, isn't it?!
And I don’t think a little smiling and eye contact and conversation can do any harm.
But… you don’t know he’s single… and you do know you’re not currently single…
Maybe he’s flirting with you because you’re an attractive woman and he likes to flirt. It doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to start something. Or maybe he does want to start something… it’s your choice whether you get involved. And you don’t have to flirt back if you don’t want to. But (IMHO) flirting isn’t inherently immoral…
Is there any possibility you want to get back at your husband for his indiscretion? Or are you simply missing the physical side of marriage?
I would say… talk to your T about how you feel about flirting and being noticed at the moment. It’s hard for stuff like that to feel natural in a situation where there are problems between you and your husband. I can imagine that a flirtation might be simultaneously exciting and terrifying right now.
Tamar
Posted by 10derHeart on October 15, 2005, at 20:08:23
In reply to Re: single people, I need some answers! Okay, please?, posted by Angela2 on October 14, 2005, at 23:02:09
yes, it would totally stop me.
Years ago, I was there - more than once, and never again. Nothing but pain, heartache and disaster.
Think of the other spouse's feelings. I never did back then, and still feel shame for that behavior.
Anyway, for me, it's morally wrong and so out of the question. God's laws were made to protect us.....IMO.
Posted by lynn971 on October 15, 2005, at 21:57:35
In reply to single people, I need some answers! Okay, please?, posted by happyflower on October 14, 2005, at 22:09:04
I am married but I would like to give input. Just remember that adultry hurts everyone involved. The kids, the wife, and ultimately you as well. If he cheats on his wife with you, then he will eventually cheat on you with someone else.
I have been married for 17 years and I am only 34. There was a time in my life when a very handsome man became very good friends with me. The temptation was there. I knew that it was not worth it. The grass always looks green on the other side. I have two children. It is not worth it. Believe me, my husband does make me angry sometimes. I have to make a choice to love him sometimes.
I hope this helps.
Posted by lynn971 on October 15, 2005, at 22:02:51
In reply to The reason I am asking! tell me what you think!, posted by happyflower on October 15, 2005, at 17:53:46
Now my marriage is on the rocks and I haven't been physically intimate with my DH for months (we have been married 12 years), so I think I am noticing men more
I have been there. I go through phases in which I am not interested in my husband. But I made a promise to love him, so I choose to love him. I ask God to help me love him. The phase then passes. We wont always feel like we love our spouse, but love is not always a feeling. Sometimes it is a sacrifice.
Posted by crazy teresa on October 15, 2005, at 22:08:02
In reply to Re: The reason I am asking! tell me what you think! » happyflower, posted by lynn971 on October 15, 2005, at 22:02:51
But it was for better or worse.
Thankfully the cycle keeps on coming back around to better eventually. Too bad it doesn't last as long as the worse usually does. (Or does it just feel longer?)
Posted by happyflower on October 15, 2005, at 22:24:20
In reply to Re: The reason I am asking! tell me what you think! » happyflower, posted by lynn971 on October 15, 2005, at 22:02:51
> Now my marriage is on the rocks and I haven't been physically intimate with my DH for months (we have been married 12 years), so I think I am noticing men more
>
>
> I have been there. I go through phases in which I am not interested in my husband.I am interested in my DH and love him, he is the one who is not wanting me! I have tried for months, and I can only take some much rejection. I have tried to get him to go therapy and he refuses. I am not saying I want an affair, it just I am noticing men noticing me, and it feels great. I just wonder why they would flirt with a married women.
But I made a promise to love him, so I choose to love him. I ask God to help me love him. The phase then passes. We wont always feel like we love our spouse, but love is not always a feeling. Sometimes it is a sacrifice.
Posted by happyflower on October 15, 2005, at 22:27:23
In reply to Re: single people, I need some answers! Okay, please?, posted by lynn971 on October 15, 2005, at 21:57:35
> I have been married for 17 years and I am only 34. There was a time in my life when a very handsome man became very good friends with me. The temptation was there. I knew that it was not worth it. The grass always looks green on the other side. I have two children. It is not worth it. Believe me, my husband does make me angry sometimes. I have to make a choice to love him sometimes.
>
> I hope this helps.How long would you go if all a sudden he didn't want to sleep with you or talk to you? It has been like this for months. He is not involved at all with me, but he is still a wonderful father to my kids. But it hurts that the one person who is suppose to love me doesnT not seem to anymore.
Posted by crazy teresa on October 15, 2005, at 22:28:57
In reply to Re: The reason I am asking! tell me what you think! » lynn971, posted by happyflower on October 15, 2005, at 22:24:20
>I just wonder why they would flirt with a married women.
Because he can.And because I'm sure you're gorgeous!
Posted by crazy teresa on October 15, 2005, at 22:30:22
In reply to Re: single people, I need some answers! Okay, please?, posted by happyflower on October 15, 2005, at 22:27:23
Is he being faithful to you?
Posted by happyflower on October 15, 2005, at 22:35:51
In reply to Re: The reason I am asking! tell me what you think! » happyflower, posted by Tamar on October 15, 2005, at 19:01:28
> >
> It’s always nice to be noticed, isn't it?!Yes, it feels good! :)
Is there any possibility you want to get back at your husband for his indiscretion? Or are you simply missing the physical side of marriage?
There could be a little bit of both of this going on. I am angry because his indiscretion hasn't been resolved and I want to talk about it, and he won't. I deserve to know if he is in love with this women. And I defineltly know I miss the intimitmcy ( i can't even spell it anymore). I miss being loved and touched. :(
> I would say… talk to your T about how you feel about flirting and being noticed at the moment. It’s hard for stuff like that to feel natural in a situation where there are problems between you and your husband. I can imagine that a flirtation might be simultaneously exciting and terrifying right now.
Tamar, you always have such sound advice! :) Yes this is a good topic for therapy. But it will have to wait over 3 weeks before I see him again. Who knows how I will feel then! LOL If I put my panties under my pillow, will the sex fairy come and grant me my wish tonight? LOL
>
>
>
Posted by happyflower on October 15, 2005, at 22:38:54
In reply to Re: single people, I need some answers! Okay, please? » happyflower, posted by crazy teresa on October 15, 2005, at 22:30:22
> Is he being faithful to you?
I don't know. Several months ago a coworker who he was friends with came onto him at an out of state convention and things haven't been the same since or even a month before that. He admitted that he has conflicting feelings about her, but that was months ago and I can't get him to open up about it since.
Posted by happyflower on October 15, 2005, at 22:40:26
In reply to Re: The reason I am asking! tell me what you think! » happyflower, posted by crazy teresa on October 15, 2005, at 22:28:57
> >I just wonder why they would flirt with a married women.
>
>
> Because he can.
>
> And because I'm sure you're gorgeous!Believe me, I am not gorgeous, I am old (36) and overweight by about 50 lbs. I am not ugly but gorgeous, I wish! LOL
Posted by Tamar on October 15, 2005, at 22:51:19
In reply to Re: The reason I am asking! tell me what you think! » Tamar, posted by happyflower on October 15, 2005, at 22:35:51
> Is there any possibility you want to get back at your husband for his indiscretion? Or are you simply missing the physical side of marriage?
>
> There could be a little bit of both of this going on. I am angry because his indiscretion hasn't been resolved and I want to talk about it, and he won't. I deserve to know if he is in love with this women. And I defineltly know I miss the intimitmcy ( i can't even spell it anymore). I miss being loved and touched. :(Yes. I can imagine. I’ve never had to go so long without it as you have, and I must admit I don’t deal well with abstinence at all. It’s a part of my character that’s particularly weak. I think perhaps if you can enjoy the flirtation without it developing into anything more, then why not do just that! But if you think you will be tempted to take it further… well, it’s probably not a good idea at the moment. And there’s also the possibility that a flirtation will remind you all the more of what you’re missing at home. But yeah, if you can enjoy it then just enjoy it.
I’m sorry things are so hard for you at the moment.
> If I put my panties under my pillow, will the sex fairy come and grant me my wish tonight? LOL
ROFL! Go for it! Anything’s worth a try!
Posted by lynn971 on October 16, 2005, at 8:00:51
In reply to Re: The reason I am asking! tell me what you think! » lynn971, posted by happyflower on October 15, 2005, at 22:24:20
I am sorry that your husband is acting that way. You are right, it is nice when men notice you. It helps you feel like you still got it.
I usually tell my husband if a guy flirts with me because I want him to know that other men likes what he has (me).
Maybe you could let your husband know that he better appreciate you because there are men out there who would love to appreciate you.
Some men/women dont care about if you are married or not. Apparently you are a very pretty woman if someone hits on you while you are hot and sweaty.
Posted by lynn971 on October 16, 2005, at 8:07:44
In reply to Re: single people, I need some answers! Okay, please?, posted by happyflower on October 15, 2005, at 22:27:23
>How long would you go if all a sudden he didn't want to sleep with you or talk to you?
I would investigate to see if he was having an affair. I dont want to scare you, but that is a classic sign. Do you think that he would do that?
I will pray for you. It must be hard to go through what you are going throug. Just remember, two wrongs do not make a right. You do what is right and God will bless you.
((((happyflower))))
Posted by lynn971 on October 16, 2005, at 8:10:15
In reply to Re: The reason I am asking! tell me what you think! » Tamar, posted by happyflower on October 15, 2005, at 22:35:51
If he is cheating on you, leave him and take everything he has. No make him leave. Then you can invite the guy at the gym to run 6 miles with you.
Posted by lynn971 on October 16, 2005, at 8:14:13
In reply to Re: single people, I need some answers! Okay, please? » crazy teresa, posted by happyflower on October 15, 2005, at 22:38:54
Oh, I am just reading the rest of your posts now. It sounds like he is cheating. Even if he is not cheating physically, he is cheating emotionally.
He is probably staying for the sake of the kids, as you said he is a terrific father. If I found out that my husband was cheating, he would be out on his but.I am so sorry for you. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.
Posted by crazy teresa on October 16, 2005, at 8:16:34
In reply to Re: The reason I am asking! tell me what you think! » crazy teresa, posted by happyflower on October 15, 2005, at 22:40:26
> Believe me, I am not gorgeous, I am old (36) and overweight by about 50 lbs. I am not ugly but gorgeous, I wish! LOLThen you're a real women with curves-- even better! ;~}
Posted by lynn971 on October 16, 2005, at 8:16:54
In reply to Re: The reason I am asking! tell me what you think! » happyflower, posted by Tamar on October 15, 2005, at 22:51:19
Another reason to stay faithful to your husband is that, if you guys do end up filing for a divorce, you dont want he and his lawyer to use it against you.
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.