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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by partlycloudy on February 9, 2005, at 7:25:50
In reply to Lonelyness is All Around, posted by AdaGrace on February 8, 2005, at 20:42:13
I guess being lonely in a house full of family is the hallmark of depression for me. If I can get myself to reach out - hug someone, talk about nothing with someone - then the loneliness disappears. But doing that is beyond my ability when the veil has itself cloaked around me.
Revel in the closeness you find here, AdaGrace. It keeps me going when the tangible, live human beings are so close and yet a universe away.Do you love the family in your house? What can you tell me about your children?
Posted by Toph on February 9, 2005, at 10:55:29
In reply to dang it toph, that gave me chills it's so romantic (nm) » Toph, posted by anastasia56 on February 8, 2005, at 23:07:15
Actually, anastasia, I was hoping two friends could spend a night together being close without the romance, which invariably wrecks the friendship. I'm not sure AG needs any more baggage right now.
Toph
Posted by Susan47 on February 9, 2005, at 13:06:33
In reply to Re: that gave me chills it's so romantic, posted by Toph on February 9, 2005, at 10:55:29
And no one needs the baggage. Just the good stuff here, please.
Posted by anastasia56 on February 9, 2005, at 13:37:05
In reply to Re: that gave me chills it's so romantic, posted by Toph on February 9, 2005, at 10:55:29
i know you didn't mean it to be romantic but it could be used that way another day somewhere else.
Posted by Toph on February 9, 2005, at 15:36:20
In reply to Re: that gave me chills it's so romantic » Toph, posted by anastasia56 on February 9, 2005, at 13:37:05
> i know you didn't mean it to be romantic but it could be used that way another day somewhere else.
Yeah, anastasia, like with my wife. We live a marriage where sweet moments are painfully scarce. I love her, she loves me but we don't share our lives like we used to. We share a bed, we even share a couch, but our minds are on everything but each other except when we're complaining about each other. Sad. Didn't mean to spill, sorry.
Toph
Posted by anastasia56 on February 9, 2005, at 16:00:35
In reply to Re: that gave me chills it's so romantic, posted by Toph on February 9, 2005, at 15:36:20
i am so sorry.
when there are more good times than bad it's worth it. conversely the opposite is true.
ana
Posted by sunny10 on February 9, 2005, at 19:01:25
In reply to Re: that gave me chills it's so romantic » Toph, posted by anastasia56 on February 9, 2005, at 16:00:35
hmmm... Toph, maybe time to rent a convertible and take that drive with your wife- would that help?
AdaGrace, I hope being able to talk to us here makes you less lonely??
Thinking of you- trying to send happy thoughts you way. Hope my aim isn't off.....
-sunny10
Posted by Susan47 on February 9, 2005, at 21:01:38
In reply to Re: that gave me chills it's so romantic, posted by sunny10 on February 9, 2005, at 19:01:25
Posted by Toph on February 9, 2005, at 21:47:48
In reply to Re: that gave me chills it's so romantic, posted by sunny10 on February 9, 2005, at 19:01:25
Posted by Toph on February 9, 2005, at 22:05:55
In reply to Re: that gave me chills it's so romantic » Toph, posted by anastasia56 on February 9, 2005, at 16:00:35
ana, I'm so ashamed. I come from a nice family. I went to the best schools. My brothers are wealthy. My sister just got her PhD. I live in a nice house that's empty. I'm so afraid I didn't instill confidence in my kids. My wife is so nice but I'm afraid I don't make her happy, feel loved or beautiful. I'm so negative. I've been depressed since age 5 which is my first memory of wanting to die. Here I sit crying like a fool talking to a computer while my wife sleeps. I could tell you things I've accomplished, people I've helped, friends who love me, but if you don't have a sense of wholeness, of love for yourself and the world you have created to live in, what hope is there for fixing all this broken mess of ruined dreams?
Posted by Susan47 on February 9, 2005, at 22:35:22
In reply to Re: that gave me chills it's so romantic » anastasia56, posted by Toph on February 9, 2005, at 22:05:55
It's so sad you wanted to die when you were five. Why, what did you want to die that young? Did you know what dying was?
Posted by Toph on February 9, 2005, at 23:31:27
In reply to Toph?, posted by Susan47 on February 9, 2005, at 22:35:22
Its kind of a long story and it doesnt really explain it and its also embarassing. In first grade my teacher was old and wanted to retire in the worst way. She was mean. She used to hit Larry Muesing with a ruler so hard that some of the girls would cry. I was terrified of her. Once I came to her reading group and asked her if I could go to the bathroom and she said not until I finished my numbers page. I had waited till the last minute anyway so now I was in real trouble. I couldnt concentrate on numberes so, well, I couldn't help myself. So then I had to go acroos the room to ask if I could go the bathroom to clean up and can you belive that she asked if I had finished my number sheet? Then later John Shoop threw my hat on the excavation pit (before lawyers I guess) that filled with water in the fall and froze in the winter. Well needless to say I fell through the ice and again had to face the class wet. I went to my brother's class and got some pants from him but he had 50 pounds on me so I looked pretty stupid wears his pants. Then later I got the flu and puked which really added to my popularity in class. Then on anniversary day they had a picnic and a contest to see who could pick up the most peanuts. So they let the kindergarteners and first graders go, and then the 2nd, 3rd and so on. You counted your peanuts and kept your hand up if you had 5, then 10, 15... I had the last hand up with 22 peanuts. The PE teacher put the peanut crown on my head as I was the champ. When we got back to class Miss Berglund grabbed my bag and said it looked like I lied. She counted 11 peanuts and told the class it never pays to lie to win something. I was too afraid to tell her there were 2 peanouts in each shell. Finally, one day she pulled me aside to tell me that if I didnt read faster I would be held back. I kinda freaked because I would then be in the same class as my younger brother Jon and I would have just died of shame. Years later my mother told me that I tested just fine in reading so that Miss Berglund must have been trying to encourage me to read faster. She evidently compared me to my older brother who had been in her class before me and was 18 months older but just a year ahead. He was also an early developer, hense the big pants. Anyway, I couldn't sleep at night because everyone thought I was weird except Larry Muesing who said I was the only friend he had. That summer, the thought of going back to school made me sick and my parents couldn't understand why I was so unhappy. I prayed every night that I would die. But I don't think God listens to those kind of prayers even if you repeat them alot.
Maybe that's why I went into Child Protection. Now I work with the elderly, but despite Miss Berglund, I don't get any pleasure out of putting someone in a nursing home.
Posted by anastasia56 on February 9, 2005, at 23:36:31
In reply to Re: that gave me chills it's so romantic » anastasia56, posted by Toph on February 9, 2005, at 22:05:55
so you come from a wonderful family, successful siblings and it sounds like you live in a pretty nice house. i'm assuming your wife lives there too? if so, why is the house empty? do you mean devoid of human contact or children?
i don't know if you did or didn't instill confidence in your children. if you didn't, then you will have to learn to forgive yourself for that, just as so many grown up children here at babbleland have learned to forgive the things that have been done to them. forgiveness happens every day because it's the only way to get on with life and be halfway human about it.
You say your wife is nice...does that mean you love her? or does it just mean she is nice? if you do love her it sounds like behavior modification to try to eliminate your negativity is in order. If you don't care one way or the other, you can drive her into the ground by seeing the world in total grey.
i remember reading about the people you've helped. i know you are a good person who deserves a good life. you have to be the one that loves you the most first. then you have something to pass on to the next person, your wife. if you don't feed yourself, love yourself, you will have nothing to give.
it all starts with you. i know you can be the one.
Posted by Susan47 on February 10, 2005, at 0:32:45
In reply to Susan, posted by Toph on February 9, 2005, at 23:31:27
Toph, that is the saddest story about the saddest little boy I have ever heard (that's just a little bit of exaggeration, but not much). I want to hug that little boy so hard and give him the love he didn't have. You were so special and sensitive, and people were cruel and didn't see the real you. Teachers back then, I have the same experience, a lot of them were harsh and cold, cruel to the most sensitive children. I was one of those too. I'm so upset about your wet pants, that's just not fair, treating a little child so badly. I want to hug Larry Muesing too, he didn't deserve to be hit with a ruler at all, none of us did. I would've been one of the girls who cried when he got hit hard. Why don't adults listen to the pain in children? ((((Toph))))
Posted by AdaGrace on February 10, 2005, at 7:14:50
In reply to Re: Lonelyness is All Around, posted by Toph on February 8, 2005, at 21:28:21
Toph,
You have a very sensitive, loving, and yes creative mind. Don't kid yourself, your wife knows it. I'm sure of it.
Thanks for the lovely literary immage.
You really have a talent, you know.
AdaGrace
(God, I love being called Gracie)
Posted by sunny10 on February 10, 2005, at 11:54:06
In reply to Re: Susan, posted by Susan47 on February 10, 2005, at 0:32:45
but anastasia is right when she says that only you can let yourself feel better.
But I think I said the rest already in another post...
we love you, Toph!!!!
Posted by Susan47 on February 10, 2005, at 12:54:09
In reply to Re: Lonelyness is All Around » Toph, posted by AdaGrace on February 10, 2005, at 7:14:50
So nice to see you back. I'll try not to make a big deal out of it I don't want to scare you off, IMO you need the relief Babble can give you. What you said about Toph is true, he has a ton of talent and IMO he's depressed because he's not using it the way his heart really wants to ... ew, maybe I'm projecting, HAH! It would be lovely to be talented .. the desire to create lives, though, and that can't be denied .. Create, Toph. Your creations of life are beautiful, wondrous and I for one missed them when you were gone.
Posted by Toph on February 10, 2005, at 15:23:28
In reply to Re: that gave me chills it's so romantic, posted by anastasia56 on February 9, 2005, at 23:36:31
> why is the house empty?
Mostly cause the kids are gone. Getting a puppy has helped. But mainly our lives revolved around the kids. We are alone together, ride together to and from work most days and seem to not say much to each other besides news of the day. The vessel of life seems empty.
> i don't know if you did or didn't instill confidence in your children. if you didn't, then you will have to learn to forgive yourself for that, just as so many grown up children here at babbleland have learned to forgive the things that have been done to them. forgiveness happens every day because it's the only way to get on with life and be halfway human about it.
>
I worry about them living a life of self-doubt like me. They're doing well so maybe this is an unfounded fear or projection. Let's hope so.> You say your wife is nice...does that mean you love her? or does it just mean she is nice? if you do love her it sounds like behavior modification to try to eliminate your negativity is in order. If you don't care one way or the other, you can drive her into the ground by seeing the world in total grey.
>
I love her very much. She is a truely beautiful person even though she gave up social work to become a hospital administrator (sour grapes - she makes more money than I). If I drove her away I would have to become a hermit I could never find another person so kind.
Do you think behavior mod tx would help? What about work on core issues?> i remember reading about the people you've helped. i know you are a good person who deserves a good life. you have to be the one that loves you the most first. then you have something to pass on to the next person, your wife. if you don't feed yourself, love yourself, you will have nothing to give.
>
> it all starts with you. i know you can be the one.
Thank you so much, ana.
Posted by Toph on February 10, 2005, at 15:36:43
In reply to Re: Susan, posted by Susan47 on February 10, 2005, at 0:32:45
Thank you for your encouraging words. I am so tired. I just get by. A couple shrinks have heard about my childhood problems and have asked me why I didn't tell my parents. Well, that's another story. I don't want any pity though. I have seen such horrible abuse, neglect and misfortune in my work to know I did not have it so bad. I only wish that when the morning sun floods the room that I could feel for once what normal people feel anticipating another day.
Posted by Susan47 on February 10, 2005, at 15:54:12
In reply to Gracie, sunny » Susan47, posted by Toph on February 10, 2005, at 15:36:43
I know I woke up like that this morning and briefly, briefly it's changed, and I don't know what's ahead for me tomorrow morning either. It might be a dreaded Dead morning, it may lead to a worse-than-death day, I may have to do something extreme to feel alive. I may end up making a lot of calls to a certain ex-T's machine, or something even more desperate. Just to feel alive.
I'm really really anxious about tomorrow night. Friday nights, as someone once suggested here, are not good for me. I don't get my kids those nights and that's really hard. I have trouble making plans too 'cause some fear holds me back so that's a big minus. Toph, what is it about this site, about talking to others who feel what you do at times, that makes us so heartwrenchingly honest? (((Toph)))
Posted by Toph on February 10, 2005, at 19:38:16
In reply to Toph, I understand your meaning., posted by Susan47 on February 10, 2005, at 15:54:12
All I have to say Susan is if you loved yourself as much as you love those kids you wouldn't have another dead-day again.
Oh, and if you loved yourself as much as those kids love you (even though they don't always show it) then you wouldn't have another dead-night either.
Hey where's Ada, she's tough to keep up with, Grace? She's like a butterfly, just when you're getting close, she's gone.
Posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 1:40:17
In reply to Re: meaning » Susan47, posted by Toph on February 10, 2005, at 19:38:16
Yes, she is like a butterfly love, but she's not gone, she's on Writing, a hangout of ours lately. We kind of like it there more sometimes. It's freer. But even there, she tends to flit in and out. She sounds good tonight. I'll have to check, maybe she was here too.
And thank you for the loving support, don't forget to love yourself too Toph.
Posted by AdaGrace on February 11, 2005, at 7:34:00
In reply to Re: meaning » Susan47, posted by Toph on February 10, 2005, at 19:38:16
Lovely image you invoke Toph. I like to be refered to as a butterfly. And yes I do flit when someone gets close....it's self preservation. In order to survive I cannot let anyone catch me and put me in a case with stick pins holding me down. I want to fly.
Posted by Toph on February 11, 2005, at 9:49:52
In reply to Re: Butterfly » Toph, posted by AdaGrace on February 11, 2005, at 7:34:00
Posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 12:53:32
In reply to Re: Butterfly » Toph, posted by AdaGrace on February 11, 2005, at 7:34:00
Here are butterfly wings for you. { }
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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