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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on May 27, 2003, at 16:18:45
Are you still with us? Are you ok? Or at least as ok as possible in the circumstances.
There's a message on admin from Dr. Bob about a possible problem with your registration, in case you don't visit the admin board.
Hugs.
Dinah
Posted by whiterabbit on May 28, 2003, at 20:19:32
In reply to Leeran?, posted by Dinah on May 27, 2003, at 16:18:45
Drop us a short note to let us know how you are.
We're thinking about you...
More hugs-
Gracie
Posted by leeran on June 3, 2003, at 14:08:22
In reply to Leeran?, posted by Dinah on May 27, 2003, at 16:18:45
Hi Dinah,
Thanks for letting me know about the post on admin.
Actually, I tried to post one day but I was having trouble and then, out of frustration, gave up - and then - believe it or not - forgot about coming back to try to "fix" the registration problem.
In the midst of everything else, I had to go to Las Vegas for a trade show again.
Thanks so much for thinking about me. I appreciate your thoughts and I will probably be in and out (here) as I try to sort through everything.
Actually, one of the posts I couldn't "post" was to you - and I sent it to myself to save it (I think the posting problem was due to our email server for my email address not working for 24 hours). I'll post the "lost post" at the bottom of this post, since I keep seeing the subject title of "Dinah" in my inbox as a reminder that something I wrote never made it to its destination.
The situation (mine, my son's, his moving) has gone through so many stages. My husband (T) says I've gone through the seven stages of grief - sometimes, all seven in one day.
N (son) went with me to Las Vegas for a short two-day trip. At the time, I thought he might be considering staying, but at lunch (in Las Vegas) - he told me otherwise. But we had a good trip and that was all I had in mind when I decided to take him with me at the last minute. A road trip - just the two of us. A "G" rated Thelma and Louis(e) getaway. The day isn’t too far off when a long car ride with his mother will be the last thing in the universe that he wants to be suckered into!
On the way back, we played "name that artist" on the radio (a longtime favorite game that I used to be the master of – until now) then listened to The Beatles the rest of the way, both of us singing at the top of our lungs. It seems like he's been playing "Hey Jude" a lot these days - and we listened to it twice that night. If any of you know the story behind that song (N does) you might find it pertinent. I don't know if that's the reason why N has developed such an affinity for that song here lately and I don't want to ask him. Some "things" should be his without explanation. I remember being that age and I understand that music can be a very personal experience. Of course, Hey Jude was also the Beatles all-time #1 song . . . so who knows - maybe he just recognizes good music. After all, he loves Led Zeppelin, the Beatles, Pink Floyd, etc. which is just one more way I'm blessed (at my age I'm not sure I could easily tolerate the kind of music that some kids listen to these days).So, there have been tumultuous moments, moments spent trying to find a silver lining where there seems to be none, happy moments, angry moments, “suicidal ideation” moments, bittersweet moments, and even extremely happy moments. Moments that meld into the next and bring me to this moment. I guess you would call it a moment of hesitant acceptance - or reluctant acceptance. Shoot, throw in fearful acceptance as well as agonizing acceptance.
So many emotions. So many neurons put to the test.
And yet, Pandora's box has been flung wide open. And as much as I wish I could throw myself across the lid to force it all back to how it used to be . . . I know in my heart of hearts that it's impossible.
Isn't it amazing when something happens in your life and you know with utter certainty that nothing will ever be the same again? Despite the fact that I've been through two divorces and a major career change - nothing has even come close to unhinging me like this has done. Shared DNA is a powerful substance. There is great agony - and great ecstasy in the little gene pool. The ties that bind.
Nothing hurts as much as seeing your child hurt, and knowing you can't fulfill every emotional need/longing that child may have or feel can leave you feeling bereft beyond words. More than anything, realizing that your child may no longer need you in the way that you've become so accustomed to being needed has got to be one of the saddest moments in the course of child rearing.
BUT, I love my son - more than life itself - and I recognize this longing he has for something he feels he has missed. And, I've told him - (and told myself once and for all) - that he hasn't "missed this" because of divorce, or a move - but because his dad hasn't been "ready" for this kind of emotional commitment. One bit of good that may come from this is the fact that I refuse to retain "ownership" of the problems that have existed between N and his father. My unwarranted guilt has eaten away at my spirit over the years. I've done the best that I've known how to do - when I was married to his father, since I've been divorced from his father, and since moving to another city away from his father. The fact that as N puts it (not I) he wants to have a chance to develop the same kind of relationship with his father that he has with me is hopefully some kind of sign that I've done at least something right along the way.
During one of our many conversations I told N that there hadn't been a day since he was born that I haven't questioned my ability as a mother - wondered if I was doing the right thing - setting the right example, etc.His response showed a depth of maturity I didn't even realize he had developed (perhaps a level of maturity beyond what I had when I married his dad at age twenty-two).
Loosely translated, he said the following:
"Mom, you know - I think you spent your life as a kid trying to please your mother, and never feeling like you could completely 'make' her happy - then you did the same thing with my dad - and now, it continues with me. But Mom, the thing is that you always feel like you haven't done quite enough when you've really done more than enough."
Where and when in the h*ll did my son become so profound? How can I not respect the intense desires of someone who is obviously so mature in so many ways? Of course, I know his Achilles' heel and that's why my heart aches. After all, my heart ached for the many years I lived with this man.
I can only pray that N isn't disappointed yet again and that this itch can finally be scratched (and scratched to his satisfaction).
The day after all this happened I turned on the radio and an AM radio announcer was talking at that EXACT moment about children, parents, divorce and overall happiness. Talk about synchronicity!
He mentioned that if we don't have a certain need (or needs) met when we are children we will spend a good portion of our lifetime looking for whatever that unmet need(s) was as adults. Knowing how true that has been for me, it is impossible not to want better for N.
It took me thirty nine rather tormented years to finally realize that there was one human being on this planet that I could completely trust - and the peace that comes with experiencing real trust has been like no other feeling in the world. I don’t want N to spend thirty nine years (or more) wandering the planet in search of that which makes HIM feel complete. That's an image breaks my heart.
And so, he will leave. Sooner than I ever intended. And although I feel like I've been fired from a job, perhaps I've just been laid off. After all, he may be back - but I do know that "it" will never be quite the same. But nothing ever is! My husband is always telling me that the only thing that doesn’t change is “change.” And for as much as I've spent my life waiting for the other shoe to drop - I've sometimes forgotten that the other shoe dropping isn't necessarily the end of the world and can actually be a catalyst for positive growth on many levels.
I did spend some time this morning (first time since May 21) talking to my ex-husband. Actually, it was not a bad conversation. It took me twelve days to be able to talk to him - and I suppose he was pretty considerate in the fact that he gave me some much-needed time to writhe around in “it” all.
God, I hope he has changed, for our son’s sake. Of course, this is another one of the double-binds. If he HAS changed, the likelihood of N returning is far less – but again, that’s putting my needs first in this situation and this certainly isn't about me. It’s about a fifteen-year-old boy who has an entire lifetime ahead of him and needs some kind of closure before moving forward in his journey.
Sorry this was so darned long. I meant to make it a “shorty,” but as usual, writing has helped get rid of some of my “agita.”
Here’s what I intended to post a week or so ago:
------------------------
Oh gosh, I'm sorry to hear that Dinah!
You could have gotten that from an issue of Family Circle or out of some free pamphlet at the pharmacy!Have you seen any of these books? I just looked on Amazon and all three have pretty good reviews . . . my heart goes out to you because my "aholic" has the word "junk-food" in front of it.
"Mr. Food's Quick & Easy Diabetic Cooking : Over 150 Recipes Everybody Will Love"
"Betty Crocker's Diabetes Cookbook: Everyday Meals, Easy as 1-2-3"
"Forbidden Foods Diabetic Cooking"
Leep.s. I hope all is well with you and the diabetes situation! I haven’t even been lurking the last ten or eleven days, so I’m really out of the loop as far as what everyone’s current status is in this rat-race we call “life.”
Posted by mair on June 3, 2003, at 17:09:17
In reply to Re: Leeran? » Dinah, posted by leeran on June 3, 2003, at 14:08:22
I started to get choked up during your description of singing Beatles songs with your son. And I think you should be immensely proud that your son wants as good a relationship with his father as he has with you. He sounds like a great kid.
Mair
Posted by noa on June 3, 2003, at 20:06:32
In reply to Re: Leeran? » Dinah, posted by leeran on June 3, 2003, at 14:08:22
Leeran,
It is so clear how GOOD a job you have done with your son, and how much you live in him. He takes you with him wherever he goes now.
I respect you for the process you have allowed yourself to go through. One of the ways you give to your son is to give him the space to find out for himself what his relationship with his father is about. Yes, he might get hurt and disappointed, but because you are demonstrating trust in him to deal with that, I am sure he feels loved and respected and guided even when you are not physically in close proximity. That kind of trust is one of the best ways to let kids know that you know them for who they are, that you love them for who they are, that you value who they are, etc. It is validating for his sense of self, I believe. This will let him know that you believe in his ability to muster his inner resources to face such challenges, but also that you will always continue to be the non-judging outer resource he can turn to when he needs support.
Posted by leeran on June 4, 2003, at 4:37:07
In reply to Lee, if you're lurking..., posted by whiterabbit on May 28, 2003, at 20:19:32
Thanks, Gracie - I haven't been lurking (I wrote a long one above here, I think in response to Dinah's post). I've been rather numb (not comfortably numb).
How go things with you? Do you still feel a sense of hope? I hope so. Oy vey, it's late and that sounded redundant.
I'm actually reading a book right now versus plowing through my endless stacks of magazines. I've become quite enamored with the universe of late and I'm reading Stephen Hawking's "A Brief History of Time - From the Big Bang to Black Holes."
Boy, is it dry. Takes a few readings on some of the concepts.
What are you reading right now? I have a feeling I'm going to have a lot more reading time. Did you finish Blind Faith (wasn't that the name of the Tom's River murder story?)?
It's 2:34 here but I just wanted to say thanks for thinking of me and let you know I'm thinking about you - and everyone else - as well.
Take care,
Lee
Posted by whiterabbit on June 4, 2003, at 22:27:45
In reply to Re: Lee, if you're lurking..., posted by leeran on June 4, 2003, at 4:37:07
He opens a window somewhere. At this time in my life, with all of these big changes coming at me so fast, I'm finding this out to be true.
The door on my marriage has closed. My husband left the house yesterday morning and disappeared like usual for parts unknown (he's still off work
after his heart attack). He returned home in the evening and announced that he had finished up the paperwork with his attorney to file for divorce.I started to shake. I said, "You didn't file for a legal separation? You actually filed for divorce?" He says something like, "Well yeah I thought we discussed that..." I don't know, I can't remember the actual words. I thought I had been ready for it but I started bawling anyway.
Ran upstairs to "my" part of the house (office/guest room)and slammed the door. It took awhile for me to calm down.Now here's the window: my first visit with a psychiatrist who is actually on the ball. The guy came highly recommended but I pretty much expected more of the same old crap - admonitions to clean up my lifestyle, to stop drinking alcohol and coffee, get serious about my recovery, AA or NA, tweak the meds, see you later.
Instead, his nurse interviewed me for almost an hour, gave me a self-evaluation and some other tests. At first I wasn't too happy about this because in my own long career as an x-ray tech I've caused much trouble for doctors who allow their nurses to "diagnose" because they frequently order unnecessary or inappropriate x-rays. I find this offensive, particularly when children are involved.
But this nurse was sharp...you know how you can just tell right away when you're dealing with someone who's experienced and competent? So I was able to relax some and be honest about the goofy wierd things I've done to mess up my life.
Near the end, I meet my new psychiatrist and the three of us discuss my new diagnosis - ADHD. He seemed to be a little perplexed that none of my teachers or doctors had picked up on this, because apparently my symptoms were screaming obvious to him and the nurse. I know that doctors don't like to bad-mouth each other in front of patients but he did say, "I certainly wish I had seen you from the beginning."
I said I wish he had too.Right away I went out to get a book on ADHD and I was SHOCKED. I was shocked! Here is my life story, right in this book. I'm the classic under-achiever, a terrible disappointment to my parents
(and myself) for not living up to my potential.
"You have such artistic talent...why aren't you an artist?" "You have a gift for writing...why aren't you a writer?" "You're so smart...why don't you go back to school?"I knew I wasn't stupid, knew I wasn't lazy...I could just never follow through. I start projects
with great energy and enjoyment but I never finish anything. And I knew I had all this energy in me, if I could just concentrate it into a single beam - I'd blow everyone away with all the things I can do. But I could just...never...focus.I know my son has it. He's very intelligent, but dropped out of school. My mom has it, worse than me, she's terrible. Everything around us is mess and chaos.
So maybe now I have this new diagnosis, I can start working with it, figure something out. Work around it. There has to be a way...and this gives me more hope than I think I've ever had about anything.
God opened this window for me and he'll open one for you too.
-Gracie
Posted by leeran on June 5, 2003, at 2:14:55
In reply to When God closes a door... » leeran, posted by whiterabbit on June 4, 2003, at 22:27:45
Oh Gracie . . .
Just a quickie here (nope - didn't work out that way).
If only we lived near one another -
Just think - we could share an Adderall and an alcohol-free margarita while we commiserate over all our unfinished projects. I know there's a perfectionist in me who aches to run free. But, there's this little disorder that always seems to get in the way. You see, I have ADD as well. Recently diagnosed. However, I still contend that I "caught" it from my kiddo and my ex-husband! LOL! Hey, it sounds good on paper.
In a sea of ADD'ers (my mom, although undiagnosed, included) I was the "responsible risk-taker." That d*mned Libra thing again. Responsibility tempered with riskiness. I was never sure whether I should dance out to the end of the limb or guard the tree trunk.
Somehow, I managed to graduate with honors (but the honor was taken away a few weeks later when the only "C" I ever had in college showed up on my transcript). After college I navigated a successful career for eighteen years, built/bought/decorated four homes, gave birth and raised (until I was fired from that job last week) the little brother I never had, and basically flitted from one distraction (and material "fix") to the next - never wanting to stop long enough to examine the shards of myself that I left in my own wake.
My accountant once characterized me as being able to stir the s*** just fast enough (and carefully enough) to not get any on me.
THEN, the hormones started to shift, little b******* that they are, and my stirring faculties became a bit erratic.
I've actually read that peri-menopause and menopause can exacerbate ADD (see copied and pasted below):
--------------------------------------
"Women, as well as girls, with ADHD may feel over-stimulated, overloaded and overwhelmed. Quinn says there are specific symptoms of ADHD in women:
Strong PMS symptoms
ADHD symptoms worsening at peri-menopause, in their late 30s, early 40s.
Chronic struggles with anxiety and/or depressed mood
Chronic problems with disorganization
Evidence is beginning to suggest that there may be a hormonal connection that causes the symptoms to wax and wane throughout the life cycle. For women, the best treatment is a combination of medication, along with psychosocial support, including support groups and therapy (ADDvance.com) that can help them with self-esteem issues, Quinn said."
http://abcnews.go.com/sections/GMA/GoodMorningAmerica/GMA020626Women_ADD.html
--------------------------------Shoot, nowadays I feel like I need a drool bib and a jet-powered enema just to make it to my noontime dose of Adderall. Thank goodness our little town has a noon whistle or I would never remember! I guess the $8K yearly tax bill goes toward something useful (oh yeah, that and hosing the vomit off the walkways every morning in the bar district).
But this isn't about vomit phobias. It's about ADD and hormones, or lack thereof.
"and this gives me more hope than I think I've ever had about anything."
Gracie, I am so glad that you can put a "name to the pain." When I was recently diagnosed it was as though a big, blustery sigh of relief reverberated through every muscle in my body. Everything suddenly made sense. The mismatched Rubik's tiles known as "my life" suddenly flipped in to some semblance of order.
I hit my peak in my early twenties and stayed fairly "even" until age thirty-five, then, the s*** that I had so masterfully stirred hit the proverbial fan by age thirty-nine.
Gracie, don't let this divorce suck the life out of you. It can happen so darned easily and we never see it coming. Divorce is (IMO) one of the great "cortisol robbers." I managed to cram two of them in a four year period, and to quote that radio crank caller DJ from Oklahoma (Roy D. Mercer) - "it weren't pretty."
My gut (probably more serotonin there than anywhere else these days) tells me you are a force to be contended with and you still have plenty of p*** and vinegar left in your veins.
You are right - God opens windows when he closes doors. So many times a knock is a boost but we just don't recognize it as such.
Someone once told me that a good marriage is one wherein both partners look out the same window and see the same thing. If that is so, then the binary twin to that concept must be that a "not so good" marriage is comprised of two partners who look out the same window and DON'T see the same thing - or worse yet, one partner who doesn't even know there's a window in the vicinity.
My heart (note: guts/heart much more stable than noggin) tells me that many picture windows are opening in your life (nah, I don't write Chinese fortune cookie copy for a living - but it's an idea).
Let the door slam shut and don't look back. As dear old Dad would say "church is over - gather up the hymn books."
Seems like you have a sign post in clear sight just beyond your windowsill, and it says something like "Now ready to move forward with good fortune, and of course, grace."
I am so happy for you. It never fails, your posts always fill me with hope. What a gift you have! You need to write a little book of "Grace-isms." Perhaps "How to Gracefully Navigate Life." This leaves the door (or window) wide open for the new age sequel "How to Gracefully Navigate this Life - and the Next."
Hey, I see a guest spot on Dr. Phil in your not-so-distant future (d*mn it - I'm going to get a job at that fortune cookie company if it's the last thing I do).
If I happen to get distracted (as I'm wont to do these hormoneless, heartbroken days) I would welcome (with great glee) an email (if you're so inclined) - PARENTHETICALLY speaking!
Here is one of my email addresses (I'll give you the ironic one): tidycloset at earthlink dot net.
Now, here's to creative ADD'ers who leap (and hit the ground running) from God's open windows.
Lee
Posted by Dinah on June 5, 2003, at 20:39:32
In reply to Re: Leeran? » Dinah, posted by leeran on June 3, 2003, at 14:08:22
Ahhhh. It's clear you've done a wonderful job with him. So wonderful that even he recognizes it, which is relatively rare for teenagers, I've heard. I hope my son is as well balanced as yours seems to be at that age.
And it's clear why you've done such a wonderful job with him. You clearly put his interests first. The attitude you're taking with him is just what he needs.
I've kind of given up on the whole diabetes thing right now. My mood was just too bad. I'm trying not to eat anything too harmful, and get myself stabilized a bit in mood before trying anything more ambitious.
By the way, I found out the name of our common affliction - emetophobia. And I found a couple of sites that I read with great, *great*, anxiety. One had a list of the odd things people do to avoid you know what. I printed it out and circled way too many of them. :) I could have added a few too, but they were too weird even for that list.
I'm so glad you've got a great husband to help you through this rough time. That makes such a big difference.
Take care of you.
Dinah
Posted by shar on June 8, 2003, at 3:14:45
In reply to When God closes a door... » leeran, posted by whiterabbit on June 4, 2003, at 22:27:45
I hope other people will read your post just so they can find out that good things can happen. Sometimes it just seems the night gets darker and longer, and then we get to read about someone having an experience like yours, where a good thing occurs and changes the landscape just enough to keep us going--even in the midst of the other bad stuff happening.
I am so very happy that you have a window, and it's going to make a difference. That makes me very, very happy.
Shar
This is the end of the thread.
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