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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rjlockhart37 on December 21, 2019, at 0:49:51
i bearly have a enough mood to post this, but .. i am going through a bad time, i've struggled with depression, or not enough brain fuel to do a major project. You know like people wake up in the morning, they get ready for work, their dopamine levels go up to do whatever needs to be done, and ... some work 16 hour days and still can handle stress. I don't know what else to....this is a really bad time, i've been isolated and don't talk to anyone except a close friend, but they can't really help me. It's like your only person on planet feeling, and everyone you see and meet, is passive. Because your in this, isolated state and the brain keeps it that even in social situations. I talkt socialize, sometimes not very well and ... thats why i resorted to doing projectso nline because i failed in social world, not failed but....it would be grueling every day to be a social persona. I'm stuck in this situation, i want ot be known for my mind, creativity and showing people new things, even though i've been isolated. And it says in scripture to hang around christian believers, but i've ran across some that are casual christains, and i finally figured that out, because they lived like the world, they never prayed, or help in hard times. That's why they had this like...click don't bother me, say a short phrase and leave. Hopefully forcing myself to do research projects, and put online, would be the way to go. I don't want go out and be clerk, or average job. Do the same thing over, i've stuided info technology, it goes through my ears and people database thinkers are like you need to go back to step one and learn this stuff. Being an actor...in 2008 that was a short call, but i'mf not actor, i would forget lines, the only persona or character i could play is intense roles, like emotional roles that are not too pleasant, i did it acting class, i can't rerember the play it's been a while, but i got intense like irritable-raged personas. I don't want that to be an acting career. But...they say your comfort zone will kill you, you don't do anything, your comfortbale where you are, there is no change, nothing. I don't want to put whats going on right now, but all i needed to was post this and vent it out. I feel alone, and resort to creativity or research. And that means getting out of comfort zone, just sometimes when i work too hard i have a mood swing, and i can't do it anymore. But, at least i could post this, maybe someone would know. Don't be like people in the world, be who you are and don't forget it.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 30, 2019, at 17:55:44
In reply to time and times, posted by rjlockhart37 on December 21, 2019, at 0:49:51
I don't know what to say, right now, but I'm sorry you feel alone. I hope posting here helps you feel a little less alone. I hope posting here helps you feel valued by people who see some of who you really are and who appreciate you for the things you value in yourself.
I hear you on not wanting more. To do more, to accomplish more, to be recognised more.
Posted by rjlockhart37 on January 14, 2020, at 20:24:50
In reply to Re: time and times, posted by alexandra_k on December 30, 2019, at 17:55:44
thanks alex :)
i once and while will post these posts, but .. i think being alone, it makes survival mode. So, i've been away from people for a long time. And during that time i just started growing in my thoughts and ideas. Realized you have to be who you are, and being alone yet making creativity and ... i don't know a surge of brilliance once a while, ill do. I'm not boasting at all, this is not say wow, but i have many social media pages that i have enriched with photos, and discussion forms. But i don't actually interact with anyone, babble actually is the only place here for therapy, i don't have much money right now to see a therapist. And think seeing a therapist, it's paid compassion, like when i was in a hospital once time, there were nurses that were so nice to me, but i realized in their real life, is seperate. So it's paid compassion, "if someone helps someone and expects something in return, your doing business, not kindness" But that's i've learned even being alone and having my times of feeling lost, sometimes i just like to make myself look nice, even though there's no one around. I just like to make myself look nice, wear nice clothes, and sit and look out the window. I know, weird and .. a bit out there. But self fulfilment i think begins within, and not being able to talk with people.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 17, 2020, at 0:34:36
In reply to Re: time and times, posted by rjlockhart37 on January 14, 2020, at 20:24:50
Hey. I used to feel a bit that way about paying for therapy, too. On the other hand, therapists gotta eat, too. I guess it depends how much money you have and what things you choose to spend your money on...
I hear you in thinking it is not 'real life', somehow...
I don't talk much with people IRL, anymore, either. I talk to my sister a bit. My mother occasionally. That's about it.
I feel angry and resentful and let down by life, mostly. I feel that I have been treated like a retarded child since I dropped out of my PhD. I feel like people have simply refused to listen to a single word I have said and expected me to live off their scraps in awful substandard conditions while being forced to beg for basic necessities... And (worse) they actually did think that I was incompetent and incapable of writing a thesis in a timely fashion (which was the only reason why they let me try)...
And so realising my 'friends' were my biggest stabateurs...
And realising that these people... Are not intellectually curious. Are not working towards the development of education for inquiring minds.
Are tyrants.
Are holding back development.
Are oblivious about how they are ruining things for us all.
Realising that these people would rather see me fail miserably than succeed. That these people would rather be right than be part of something greater... These awful people...
Awful people.
Awful.
Awful.
Awful people.
Sigh.
Posted by rjlockhart37 on January 30, 2020, at 1:42:00
In reply to Re: time and times, posted by alexandra_k on January 17, 2020, at 0:34:36
yeah, you walk into a psychology session, or psychiatrist, and walk out with nothing changed. And have to pay money. It's happened to me many times, paid to say what their trained to do. When i was teenager, there was a therapist i will never forget, i could talk about of things, he would extend the session, and i call him. i was odd as a teenager. Where ever that therapist is in the world, thank you and i won't forget you.
But ... there's also a term, when someone doesn't have much people to talk too, it goes into survival mode, you do things your own way, not the crowd. I've stayed up nights in my room just in pain like no other, i didint call anyone. I after the pain feelings over with, and got it out. I just said this what i need to do, get online, do things, projects. It kinda teaches you a cycle of survival, to hurt, but still keep going.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 10, 2020, at 22:45:43
In reply to Re: time and times, posted by rjlockhart37 on January 30, 2020, at 1:42:00
> yeah, you walk into a psychology session, or psychiatrist, and walk out with nothing changed. And have to pay money. It's happened to me many times, paid to say what their trained to do.
Yes. It can seem pointless and empty.
> When i was teenager, there was a therapist i will never forget, i could talk about of things, he would extend the session, and i call him.
He made you feel like he cared about you *really* and he didn't just spend time with you because he had to eat.
> i was odd as a teenager. Where ever that therapist is in the world, thank you and i won't forget you.
I have had clinicians like that, too. I don't suppose I will forget that, either. I suppose that aspect of them is what enables me to be less reactive to a lot of the nasty horrible stuff. They gave me some good responses I could internalise and carry forwards with me.
> But ... there's also a term, when someone doesn't have much people to talk too, it goes into survival mode, you do things your own way, not the crowd. I've stayed up nights in my room just in pain like no other, i didint call anyone. I after the pain feelings over with, and got it out. I just said this what i need to do, get online, do things, projects. It kinda teaches you a cycle of survival, to hurt, but still keep going.
Sometimes there isn't really anyone to talk to. You just gotta... Be good mother to / for yourself. With the tools / resources you managed to pick up along your lifepath.
I find it hard to know whether I am best to ask for help and whether I am best to not ask for help. Mostly I am best not to ask for help. People are not really in the position to help me. And people would, generally, prefer to see me fail.
I only wanted the best for them. Whatever it is that they want to do with their lives (insofar as it doesn't involve their keeping people around them in appalling conditions for their own gratification). But they don't reciprocate with that.
So over time I have less and less and less time for other people. Other people aren't sources of support and encouragement. People just react their pathology. Their hatred of other people mostly, I think. Their delight in how they made it and can use their power to prevent others from having their needs met and prevent others from contributing towards making this world a better place for us all...
Just rubbish birds incessantly squawking at each other over gawdy trinkets.
It has taken many many many many many years of my seeing that they actually do think I am a retarded child for thinking that I could do Medicine (hell they could too) if only they worked hard for it. They would really rather it be about luck.
People don't have access to Medicine / Doctors in these parts because...
They would murder the doctors if they thought they could get away with it.
I am going to stop reading the newspaper, now.
Things have gone back to 'opressive opressive opressive'. We are just trying to convey the message that everything is dim dark and oppressive (so people settle for whatever scraps they have managed to scavenge up for themselves) while the politicians pretend to care about the next election (like it makes any kind of difference to the money they collect for themselves)...
Just collecting up the money for themselves and holding back development. Like has been happening in NZ since...
Forever.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 10, 2020, at 22:52:02
In reply to Re: time and times » rjlockhart37, posted by alexandra_k on February 10, 2020, at 22:45:43
They don't even advertise the jobs. The government jobs. They don't even advertise them. They just hand out chunks of money to some people and they don't hand out chunks of money to other people. They seem to hand out chunks of money to some people mostly because those people agree to / do do things to ensure that some rather larger chunk of people will go through life without much in the way of anything really at all.
Maybe live in floors and floors and floors of hospital space at the Waikato Hospital. Gotta keep those people who haven't done anything wrong involuntarily detained and being looked after by psychiatrists who 'no speak English' and who have been struck off the register everywhere else.
Development for NZ is developing our own systems of accreditation so that we can register the ones who have been struck of elsewhere and make sure we don't register the ones who would speak out against / who would refuse to work to chemical straightjacket a bunch of people who haven't done anything wrong...
In order to incessantly cry...
'Budget deficit! After we took our pay increases for the year we didn't have enough money to purchase goods and services to look after the 25 per cent of the population we have kept living in various states of disability! Wah, poor us. Pay us more! We only had a 25 per cent pay increase last year on our several hundred thousand dollar salary for positions that weren't publically advertised! Wah wah! Poor us! Feed me!'
Posted by alexandra_k on February 10, 2020, at 23:01:26
In reply to Re: time and times, posted by alexandra_k on February 10, 2020, at 22:52:02
And that is the way of doing business.
And they try and pick people who are incompetent as whatever they pick them for. More importantly, they try and pick people who don't want to do whatever it is that they pick them for.
For example, maybe someone says they want to be a surgeon. Because, you know, they watch TV and it seems cool.
So then they pick them to do colo-rectal surgery. But that doesn't seem cool. They don't like that. They don't want to do that.
It isn't about having lecturers who are good at what they do and who teach the GI tract really well. Showing how interesting and cool it is from the perspecitive of histology. It isn't about showing people and seeing some of the students naturally take to it and enjoy it and want to pursue that more. It isn't about giving the students teh time and space to develop genuine interest and motivation for teh right reasons (e.g., because doing colonoscopy well and being able to biopsy / remove at the point of colonoscopy could really save lives). Rather... They will pick someone to do it... Someone who would really rather be wearing a fancy suit and going to meetings in Hawaii and hearing themselves talk and watching many many many people all watching them talk...
And they will be picked to do it.
Then they will use their position (where they are paid to do the colonoscopy) to do the things they want to do... The meetings. The talking. The conferences. Crying for money more money more money.
Just so that nobody gets the timely surgeries.
Because of our micromismanagement of the situation. BEing heavy handed in telling people what they would get to do with their lives.
So they go on to feel like they made it by doing what they wanted all along (grubbing the money me-wards).
ANd of course preventing the people who wanted to do the job (actually do the job) actually for the right reasons... For accomplishing anything at all, here.
Because, you know, here is all about following the money and taking as much as you can get because you can get it... And then using the money you have got to make sure that the people around you have less and less and less and less and less and less and less. Because that is what *making it* really really means.
And, of course, because none of those people would voluntarily have anything to do with you, if they could get away from you.
So they keep slaves.
We need better mechanisms for getting people out.
New Zealanders are doing worse than any other developed nation and many other developing nations. Worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse every year.
Things are very very very very very corrupt, here. Things are so very corrupt here that nobody knows what corruption *is*. They say it's culturally normal or how we do things here.
But there is no such thing as that when it comes to how international money is spent in this country.
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]
Script revised: February 4, 2008
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