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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 116. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 7, 2014, at 20:23:20
Nearly three weeks ago, I got a call from someone saying that my therapist had a family emergency and would call in a couple of weeks when he returned to town. I assumed it had something to do with his elderly parent. The person definitely said "family emergency" and "back in town".
Today I got an impersonal email addressed to me from my therapist. It was in first person. He apologized several times, said that he was out on emergency medical leave for an undetermined duration, and wasn't able to schedule new or current clients for a minimum of four months, probably more. He said he didn't know at this time when he might be able to come back. He gave a name of someone he had never mentioned before, and suggested that I contact him to "continue your treatment".
I suppose I should be glad it didn't happen earlier in therapy. Now I am often late to appointments and cancelling several. Obviously I'm not as dependent as I once was.
But somehow that isn't helping the fear. I've seen him twice a week for twenty years. Obviously something is very wrong with someone I care about a lot, but I don't know what. The impersonal nature of the note frightens me.
I guess there's nothing I can do. I have no desire to "continue my treatment" with this stranger, and I'm not sure I need to unless he can tell me what's wrong with my therapist. I think I'm just finished, and am determined not to care about anyone ever again outside my immediate family.
I don't even know what I'm feeling, other than anxious.
Posted by Willful on March 7, 2014, at 21:03:58
In reply to My therapist on extended leave, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 7, 2014, at 20:23:20
Hi Dinah,
I'm terribly sorry to hear about the very bad and terribly jarring news that you've received. I can't imagine anything more disturbing that hearing from an impersonal note that my therapist, whom I have seen for many years, and who is one of the most trusted people in my life has suddenly, inexplicably and possibly disastrously disappeared. How can you possibly trust and believe the claims in this note, when the first message appears to have been worded so as to minimize concern.
I don't want to suggest what you might be feeling-- it could be so many things, all at once-- but this sounds pretty overwhelming.
Is there, or have you taken anything to combat the anxiety while you cope with this enigmatic and possibly unreliable message-- that could have been sent to anyone?
I think the first thing is to take care of yourself, and to prevent this from becoming a destructive moment.
Even though we are not close, I didn't want you to be without any response, and I"m sure your friends will be here very soon, with as much support as we can muster.
But the thing I can most emphasize is that your priority now must be to take care of yourself-- and I hope that this be contained soon-- and you will be able to take some steps soon to clarify what is going on.
best thoughts to you
Willful
Posted by Twinleaf on March 7, 2014, at 21:26:06
In reply to My therapist on extended leave, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 7, 2014, at 20:23:20
Oh gosh Dinah. It's almost impossible to imagine something like this happening. I think the thing I would want most is a way to say goodbye (at least for now -he may return later, although it's hard to know about continuing). You have the name of this new therapist, and he might be worth seeing a few times just to process what's happened, and, if you can, gain more information. Not knowing what happened, one tends naturally to feel rejected and abandoned; in fact, you did have a real, important relationship with him, and it sounds like something very serious happened to him - he had to leave for reasons entirely unrelated to you. Do see if you can find out more and so be able to process what has happened. And do share it with us - that is a gift even in the hardest times.
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 7, 2014, at 21:49:40
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave, posted by Willful on March 7, 2014, at 21:03:58
I wanted to talk with people who would understand, not any particular person. You obviously understand so you're just who I wanted to hear from.
My husband says that it's no one's business what's wrong. That it's private. Maybe it is. But I wouldn't send a message like that to my own business associates, and I'm in nowhere near as personal a job. It's the kind of message guaranteed to raise anxiety to an unbearable level, with no hope of relief. I'd like to think it was written on his behalf by someone who didn't understand the therapeutic relationship.
I'm taking Risperdal and will probably continue to do so for a while.
It just isn't worth it. I wish I could do the last twenty years over again.
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 7, 2014, at 22:00:05
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave » Dinah Seeks Support, posted by Twinleaf on March 7, 2014, at 21:26:06
It had to be something serious. He hated missing even a few days of work. I'm trying not to take it personally that he sent me a letter talking about "new and current clients". Maybe this was written by someone else in his name. I wish they had sent it to "To my clients" or worded so that it was clear he didn't write it.
I think it's goodbye, no matter what. I can't do this again. I did send him a reply telling him he was in my thoughts and prayers, and sending him my love and best wishes. I got back a "vacation" reply stating that he was on extended medical leave and was not accepting new clients.
I might make an appointment with the other therapist to see if I can get any more information. If not, I don't think he can be of any use. The only thing that would help me would be for me to understand what happened. And that's not likely something I'll be able to do.
I told my therapist once that I liked to know where, in general, he was going when he went on vacation. Just so I could sort of place him in the universe. I don't know where he's gone, and it feels... I don't know.
It's my nightmare.
Posted by Willful on March 7, 2014, at 22:22:59
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave » Willful, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 7, 2014, at 21:49:40
Hi Dinah, I've been thinking about you since I logged off.
I utterly think you have a right to so much more than was sent-- And I can only say with as much underscoring as possible-- there is no way you should be left this state of blank unknowing--
I can only believe that whoever was sending the messages simply didn't have any idea of the impact of this situation on you-- and on others who have had a much less long-term and intimate relationship than you have with your therapist.
such a chasm opening beside you-- is simply not at all where it needs to end.
I'm glad you've taken risperdal. And I hope beyond that you're doing anything that helps you relax--even a bit-- anything that strengthens your internal sense of security and brings you back to yourself. And I hope you can sleep-- and get enough rest to be able to think tomorrow about how best to proceed
The first impulse is to withdrawn, to cut off-- but just perhaps the initial trauma may be helped by understanding how this could have happened. And that your therapist will be okay.
Please stay in touch. Everyone including me, will be deeply affected and concerned for you and want to do anything possible to reach out.
I hope you remember how much you mean here-- and how deeply you've affected everyone who's come-- and how sustaining over so many years you've been to so many.
My thoughts are with you
Willful
Posted by Twinleaf on March 7, 2014, at 22:38:58
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave » Twinleaf, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 7, 2014, at 22:00:05
I think you are right in thinking that he didn't write these notes himself. It looks like something serious has happened medically, such as a stroke or some other catastrophe - so serious that he simply doesn't know if or when he can return. I hope you can find out. I do think knowing would help your peace of mind long term. You can be sure it's the last thing he wanted to have happen.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 7, 2014, at 22:48:49
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave » Dinah Seeks Support, posted by Twinleaf on March 7, 2014, at 22:38:58
wow. so usually: i don't want to know. but that... yes! i would want an explanation dammit! i know what i'm thinking... and it is pretty bad... but if it is true... i'd feel better knowing it were true than worrying about whether it is true or not. then if i was worried... and if the universe is such that worrying about the right thing might possibly have an impact... then i'm worrying alongside all the other people that are worrying about that thing, too... none of this makes a huge load of sense but after seeing him for that amount of time... i'd want an explanation!
who is this person he has referred you to? does this person know what is up with your t? perhaps this person could be a useful person for you to process this with? perhaps this is why your t referred you to them?
?
Posted by Willful on March 8, 2014, at 8:21:23
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave » Twinleaf, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 7, 2014, at 22:00:05
How are you doing this morning, Dinah?
I hope a little better than yesterday.
I do think you should try to find someone to process this with-- whether the suggested therapist or not. This is too much to do on your own.
But that can certainly wait if you're not ready yet.
Just try to focus on some sort of plan-- thinking forward is sometimes the best medicine.
Willful
Posted by Phillipa on March 8, 2014, at 8:43:16
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave » Dinah Seeks Support, posted by Twinleaf on March 7, 2014, at 22:38:58
Dinah I agree with Twinleaf is sounds like an emergency situation. Do you have any contact with others that know him? I'm so sorry this has happened both to you and your T Phillipa
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 8, 2014, at 9:09:07
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave » Twinleaf, posted by Phillipa on March 8, 2014, at 8:43:16
I think I'm worse today. I'm just sitting and staring and trying not to cry. My therapist-mother is sick or hurt, might be dying. The risperdall helps, but not enough.
He may not be conscious or able to communicate. Or maybe he's in jail, or maybe he consciously sent me that cruel note.
I'm trying to believe he's in jail. Anything else is too hard to think of.
He works alone. I don't know any way to get info except the counselor he directed me to, and he probably won't say anything. I'll probably never know.
I feel like I did when Daddy died. As if I'm breathing out pain.
Even tho I felt like I was ready to quit.
Oh how I wish I'd quit sometime in the last few months. Then I could be oblivious.
I suppose I just need to grieve this loss as if a family member had died. Grief is natural.
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 8, 2014, at 9:28:14
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 8, 2014, at 9:09:07
Well, his phone message is updated to say the same thing. It's his voice and he sounds coherent and strong enough. So he could have sent a less generic message.
It was his choice.
I'm done. I'm not even going to try to find out what's wrong.
The simple truth is that I mean no more to him than client #2182. He may have said he loves me like a therapy daughter but he was just protecting his income stream. I am destined to care more than I am cared for.
I hope he recovers well, but I'm done.
20 years, 2000 meetings, $200,000 and all I rate is a form letter.
What more is there to know.
Posted by Twinleaf on March 8, 2014, at 10:00:06
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 8, 2014, at 9:28:14
Oh Dinah.No matter what happened to him, you have every right to be very angry. Do be sure you express it, as you have every right to, and so that you don't turn any anger against yourself.
Because I am presently going through the same thing, I know how important it is to say goodbye, and to express the rage you feel. It's the very best way to ensure a healthy outcome for you.
I do think one part of your thinking/feeling is distorted: you had a real relationship with him, in which there were real feelings for you on his part. You were much more than a source of income; you were someone he cared about and working with you gave his life and work meaning.
If he returns to practice in a few months, consider going back, expressing the anger you feel fully and then say goodbye on terms that are right for you. That is an essential part of good therapy, and, speaking from personal experience, the hardest and most painful.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 8, 2014, at 14:57:43
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 8, 2014, at 9:28:14
> Well, his phone message is updated to say the same thing. It's his voice and he sounds coherent and strong enough. So he could have sent a less generic message.
that doesn't follow at all.
i'd say the truth is that he needs to be focused on what is good for him right now. he isn't in the position to be focused on what is in the best interests of other people.
my actual 'worst case scenario' was something like... cancer. something like that. where he needs to muster all the strength and support he can... perhaps deal with all kinds of family crap that comes from people coming and wanting to spend time with and fussing... to do some treatment that will leave him exhausted and physically (and most definitely) emotionally exhausted... to take time to recover from that...
that was more what i was thinking.
which just means... he isn't in the position to be processing things with you right now. about what it means to you that he isn't there. about how angry and sad etc etc you feel... but of course it is entirely understandable that you feel all these feelings... and so he gave you a referral of someone who he believe would be good for you.
did you think that maybe this person he has referred you to... just maybe... he has a collegial relationship with your therapist (or something like that) and that he actually knows what is up with your therapist and that your therapist referred you to this person precisely because this person would be helpful to you right now?
?
perhaps.you won't know if you don't try and get in to see them...
i know this is hard... but think about the alternatives:
- he could have kept seeing you (his voice sounded strong enough) but he wouldn't be strong enough to keep focused on what is good for you appropriately. in other words: he would have ended up hurting you more.
- he could have not given you a referral. which would have left you abandoned, rather.i'm not trying to undemine how hard this must be for you...
i suppose it is possible he left the message from a jail cell lol. itd would probably be real awkward trying to conduct therapy from there...
hang in there.
Posted by Willful on March 8, 2014, at 17:11:17
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 8, 2014, at 9:28:14
Hi Dinah,
One thing I want to say is that if possible, you need to try to remember that often there are explanations and circumstances that make seemingly uncaring actions understandable and even inevitable, .
It often seems as if the thoughts we have are the only possible explanation or meaning of an event or decision -- and yet, finally, it is revealed that we were completely mistaken and all the bad feelings and self-torture were unfounded.
The one thing you need to rely on is the feeling you had when you were with him-- if you felt that there was a real and important relationship-- there was.
The idea that he deceived you is just so mistaken, Im sure. It's what you fear-- but it's not what is.
Whatever is going on-- and I hope it is not some serious illness on his part-- I'm sure it's very disruptive of his life-- perhaps someone in his immediate family is sick-- or some such thing-- I hate to speculate becayse there are always reasons that none of us will hit on. Whatever caused him to send out this impersonal note, it was a terribly insensitive in its effect-- and you have every right to feel angry and abandoned-- no matter what explanation there is.
But hold off on the believe that this has all be meaningless and fruitless-- because whatever else it has been, it has been far from that.
Posted by Poet on March 8, 2014, at 17:28:29
In reply to My therapist on extended leave, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 7, 2014, at 20:23:20
Hi Dinah,
I'm so sorry that your therapist chose this cruel way to tell you that he is terminating you. After 20 years, crisis or not, you deserve something more personal than an email that he probably just cut and pasted to everyone he sees.
I would have a terrible time starting over with a new therapist. Especially one you know nothing about, again if he sent a personal email he might have said why this new person might be a good fit. Therapists are not one type fits all and he should know that, but I'll cut him a small bit of slack if he is in such a crisis state that he was forced to abandon his professionalism.
Perhaps that you have been late and cancelling appointments will help you get through this as it shows that you have the strength to attempt to go it alone.
I'm here to lend at least a sympathetic ear/eye and here is a lightning bolt cyber slap to your T's head.
(((((Dinah)))))
Poet
Posted by 10derheart on March 8, 2014, at 19:49:23
In reply to My therapist on extended leave, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 7, 2014, at 20:23:20
As you would say (and have said) to me....when this insanity happens with a T.....
oh good grief
and for heaven's sake.This truly sucks and I can't even find words. I thought my convoluted, unprofessional, screwed up and unnecessary situation three years ago took the cake, but now I don't know...
(((Dinah)))
Don't take this wrong, and I mean only figuratively of course and wish him well....but I'd love to kill him for you right now since he's made moves that serve to "kill" you, emotionally anyway.
When will they ever realize....?
This is why we used to discuss here how Ts with long-term clients who have developed deep attachment and closeness over years MUST have a plan in place beforehand, involving another T. - not just any adequate one - but one whom they utterly trust to grasp our side of one of these crises - to assist with the right level and tone of intervention if the affected T. is physically or emotionally unable to notify these clients personally.
I'm praying that's who this referral person is...and maybe so, which would at least be something. If not and he didn't plan ahead, even if it only applied to you, then, well.....
<<<<<<<<sigh>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Damn the whole situation. I haven't got the right words, I know. You must be freaking our inside. I remember how wrecked I was after reading something that began, "I think I am too connected to your life..." and that was only after 4.5 years, not 20, and me moving 2000 miles away with phone therapy (changes things).
I'm here. I have to think more about this.
Posted by baseball55 on March 8, 2014, at 21:09:10
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave » Dinah Seeks Support, posted by 10derheart on March 8, 2014, at 19:49:23
Wow Dinah. I'm so sorry about this.
Worse, it frightens me. What if my own T got sick? I know he cares about me, but, if he were very ill, I imagine I would get some kind of form letter or phone call from a colleague and that would be it.
The hardest part of therapy is that the relationship means a lot more to us than it does to them. And we are not part of their non-professional life. At all.
God, this is so upsetting. I'm so sorry for you.
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 8, 2014, at 21:17:19
In reply to My therapist on extended leave, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 7, 2014, at 20:23:20
Oh my gosh. I wrote an extended, heartfelt response to this, and is in lalaland.
I hope you consider interviewing the alternate therapist suggested. My husband's T sent out a similarly blasé message when she developed Stage 4 cancer. (I knew more about her condition than he, through my therapist.)
It is hard to know, and harder to know how to handle.We all missed you, Dinah.
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 10:04:19
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave, posted by alexandra_k on March 7, 2014, at 22:48:49
I've been sleeping since yesterday afternoon. My Petunia is the only reason I'm not asleep. She's refusing to leave me , growls at my husband when he tries to feed her, and won't be lured away with treats. She knows something is wrong. I had to get up to feed her.
It's easier to be angry with him than to think he's dying.
I looked up the replacement, and when I saw that his specialty was the same as my therapist developed, sex addiction,I remember he mentioned him. Not in any terms that would make me think he'd suggest him for me. More in terms of envy that this guy had grown a large practice and hired therapists to work under him. Someone, I assume with the resources to add my therapists clients.
He gave me a couple of other names years ago, as people he thought might understand me, but I'm not planning to even see if they are still in business. I refuse to go to therapy to try to undo the damage therapy caused. Grief doesn't last forever. Bitterness and distrust might.
I've known for years that my therapist is not strong in crisis. I handled Katrina better than he did. He panicked, and took a job in Europe, leaving his wife to deal.
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 10:11:14
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 10:04:19
Thank you, everyone. I knew you would understand.
I remember a few years ago when my therapist's therapist committed suicide and he turned to me because he knew I'd understand. I offered babble to him because this *is* someplace where people understand. Tho I was relieved when he didn't.
Posted by Willful on March 9, 2014, at 10:41:19
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 10:11:14
Dinah, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive him a little after time.
When a therapists get sick, most of them probably react like frightened people rather than therapists. And with that come all the limitations and failings that they try to shield us from in the therapy room-- so try to forgive him as a human being, if you can't as a therapist.
It will be better for your heart if you do-- bitterness is something I've experienced and it takes a lot of work to undo it once you've fallen into it-- I'm working on it myself and it does have a strong hold-- so try not to let it take over-- You're a fighter and you can be strong and loving enough to see through the incredibly disappointing and failed therapist to the person beneath-- We don;t know about his life, his childhood, the failings of maturation or growth that have left him so vulnerable to fear-- and so prone to running away-- leaving others to cope alone.
But whatever it is, he's human, all too human-- and deserves compassion most when he's done so wrongly-- I'm sure in his heart he knows-- that you deserved better.
That's an incredible test of resolve-- and I don't suggest it lightly because I, like everyone else, am wondering how I would fare in your shoes- because we all know we likely will be. We know where you're going through-- and I hope for myself that I can live up to being loving even if (when) my therapist abandons me to live without him.
It may seem like the end of the world-- which in a way it is-- because his protective wing may not be there, but you will survive-- don't do to yourself what seems like punishing him--
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 11:31:40
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave, posted by Willful on March 9, 2014, at 10:41:19
Actually, it does kind of help to remember that this is a pattern. He can be weak in crisis. If he deserted his wife, deserting me seems less personal.
In time I'll try to feel compassion. But for now, it hurts less to feel angry than to worry.
I'm not so strong myself.
I do remember the god stuff. I remember once he put on his minister hat and listened to my confession, and gave me formal absolution. It was one of the most powerful experiences of my life. Had I quit when I knew who he was, I'd have never experienced that.
But I'm not sure I want to think of those things right now.
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 11:33:22
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 11:31:40
Good stuff, not god stuff. Spellcheck made an unintentional Freudian slip.
Posted by Poet on March 9, 2014, at 12:16:14
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 11:33:22
Hi Dinah,
I remember your therapist running away during Katrina. I didn't know that you more or less was his therapist when his therapist died. Pardon the pun, but that's just plain crazy.
Poet
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