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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by g_g_g_unit on May 28, 2012, at 6:48:46
So, I've touched on my home situation here a little - i.e. passive-aggressive, domineering father, narcissistic mother - and have mostly given up on trying to reason with them. Which I'm 'okay with' for the time being. I basically just do what I'm told for the sake of keeping the peace, internalize my anger, and pray about the day I make it out of here. My CBT therapist has been relatively useless in terms of practical advice, though I have received some generous insight from my psychiatrist.
Anyway, one thing I haven't brought up with him - I work with my dad two days a week, which I hate enough as it is. But while we're driving around for several hours at a time(doing X), my dad will lean across the dash and search for locations etc. on the GPS WHILE WE'RE DRIVING .. regardless of whether we're on the highway, residential streets, etc. He also furtively checks his e-mail, texts, etc.
This is kind of where I draw the line, because he's endangering my life. Today we drew to a sudden halt behind a car that stopped unexpectedly while he was using the GPS. But I find myself just totally immobilized and too scared to speak out about this. It's like I just become frozen with fear at the thought of criticizing him.
I'm sure my CBT therapist would suggest I write a letter (yawn); I could tell my mom and she'd either dismissively suggest I deal with it myself, or go to him, and he'd probably be angry I went behind his back ..
I know this isn't very therapeutic, but as a one-off, I've thought I could just take some Klonopin (which eases my anxiety greatly) and then try talk to him, but I donno .. I wouldn't even know how to begin to phrase a criticism towards him. I'm probably making him out to be a total monster which he isn't - the authoritative construct I carry around is far worse than the real deal, and I'm sure he'd be OK with me saying "just let me do the GPS", but I just can't bring myself to even say it.
Posted by Willful on May 28, 2012, at 9:43:10
In reply to practical suggestions for standing up to father, posted by g_g_g_unit on May 28, 2012, at 6:48:46
Hi, gggunit,
I'm not sure I have any practical suggestions, other than that you need to speak to your father. What he's doing is endangering your life. You say that as if you don't believe it, as if you're just caught up in being too anxious or overreacting, or making the worst out of things, unjustifiably--. and because you're so angry at him for other things, you dismiss your own concerns--
But I happen to think it is objectively dangerous and could lead to an accident that injures or worse BOTH of you. I realize that it probably won't-- that he'll do this dangerous behavior and nothing will happen. But it's also quite possible that he will cause an serious accident. It happens. It's not an irrational fear, or just you blaming him for something for the sake of blaming him.
You can think of yourself as protecting both of you-- because he as well as you is endangered. But you can also think that quite as much, you deserve to feel safe when a passenger in the car. It's not just that you deserve not to die or be injured-- you positively deserve to feel comfortable. So first, I suggest that you come to realize that your request (not criticism) is entirely reasonable, and in good faith.
Second, I would do a few things. There's a DBT workbook (maybe Skills Training Manual) which I got, that has exercises to develop confidence in evaluating when you are justified, and how to raise issues with others. It's in the "interpersonal effectiveness" section of the workbook. You go through and fill answer questions about whether it's something the person can do,whether you are within your rights to ask for it etc. And it can be helpful. I assume the workbook is on Amazon-- and is worth having for lots of different things. In fact, if there's a DBT group that you could join in your area, I highly recommend it. It helped me immeasurably and I would go back now again, if I could. It's very good with handling anxiety producing situation-- and with evaluating goals and means to achieve them-- as in this case, which is interpersonal.
One technique that I use a lot involves IMAGINING the situation until you start to feel the anxiety or avoidance feelings-- and then bringing to bear the techniques you've learned for managing these feelings. There are a lot of self-soothing lessons, which then come into play-- such as deep breathing, etc-- . The idea is that you practice the experience before it happens, and prepare yourself to use these techniques at the moment when you'll need them. Then in the actual experience, you're prepared to bring use those techniques to help you reduce the fear, so that you can function.
For example, I had a terrible fear of flying. One of the main things I did (and do whenever I fly) is go to youtube and watch videos of planes taking off, from the seats. Lots of people have posted these from their own takeoffs-- and they include the noises, and the length of time,etc. Then I practice deep breathing, and other things that help me the most in getting through crisis-type situations. It's made a huge difference, because in the plane, I do those things much more effectively. As a result of that (plus xanax-- I do recommend a bit of klonopin if you need it), I've been able to fly.
If you could think of a similar way of pre-experiencing this discussion-- through videos, or role-playing-- or just using your imagination-- you'll find that it's doable. Not easy, but doable.
I could give you a lot of other reasons, beyond your own survival- like having character traits such as honesty, speaking up to say what you believe, etc. to support your right to speak to your father. But I think the issue is really as you say the practical one of how to go forward. More than anything I recommend a group to grow stronger in many areas of self-soothing and understanding how to handle situations--and to feel very clear in what you can and can't expect from others and yourself..
I definitely wouldn't ask my Mother about it. This really is up to you.
Posted by Phillipa on May 28, 2012, at 10:19:47
In reply to Re: practical suggestions for standing up to father, posted by Willful on May 28, 2012, at 9:43:10
I relate as my husband is same. No solution with him so remain silent and hope for best. If speak up it's my fault. I sure hope your Dad isn't like this. Phillipa
Posted by g_g_g_unit on May 29, 2012, at 5:59:19
In reply to Re: practical suggestions for standing up to father, posted by Willful on May 28, 2012, at 9:43:10
Thanks for your reply, Willful. I'm not sure why/if I gave off the impression that I believe I'm overreacting. Like I say, I have learned to deal with essentially being deprived of a 'voice' in my household -- of feeling like a ghost, a stranger, an infant at the behest of others' wills. At the center of this conflict is the idea that my parents are incommunicable, controlling, not prone to reason - - which comes out in transference with my psychiatrist.
But I've chosen to single this out as an incident where I feel it's necessary to speak up, because, while I'm willing to tolerate my parents' neglect of my condition (which isn't life-threatening), I feel like this *is* an instant where I am being placed in unnecessary danger and won't stand for it. I've spoken up to others - friends, my brother - for handling phones while driving, though this is far worse.
Anyway, I find your visualization suggestion enticing. I tried it with a more simple request today and found it helped a little - rehearsing the scene in my mind desensitized me to it somewhat. Maybe I'm just too used to OCD Exposure, but the self-soothing etc. feels like impractical reassurance. Wouldn't it be better to play the scene out mentally - and refrain from controlling your reactions - until it doesn't feel so threatening? Or does that still not really prepare you for the actual encounter?
> Hi, gggunit,
>
> I'm not sure I have any practical suggestions, other than that you need to speak to your father. What he's doing is endangering your life. You say that as if you don't believe it, as if you're just caught up in being too anxious or overreacting, or making the worst out of things, unjustifiably--. and because you're so angry at him for other things, you dismiss your own concerns--
>
> But I happen to think it is objectively dangerous and could lead to an accident that injures or worse BOTH of you. I realize that it probably won't-- that he'll do this dangerous behavior and nothing will happen. But it's also quite possible that he will cause an serious accident. It happens. It's not an irrational fear, or just you blaming him for something for the sake of blaming him.
>
> You can think of yourself as protecting both of you-- because he as well as you is endangered. But you can also think that quite as much, you deserve to feel safe when a passenger in the car. It's not just that you deserve not to die or be injured-- you positively deserve to feel comfortable. So first, I suggest that you come to realize that your request (not criticism) is entirely reasonable, and in good faith.
>
> Second, I would do a few things. There's a DBT workbook (maybe Skills Training Manual) which I got, that has exercises to develop confidence in evaluating when you are justified, and how to raise issues with others. It's in the "interpersonal effectiveness" section of the workbook. You go through and fill answer questions about whether it's something the person can do,whether you are within your rights to ask for it etc. And it can be helpful. I assume the workbook is on Amazon-- and is worth having for lots of different things. In fact, if there's a DBT group that you could join in your area, I highly recommend it. It helped me immeasurably and I would go back now again, if I could. It's very good with handling anxiety producing situation-- and with evaluating goals and means to achieve them-- as in this case, which is interpersonal.
>
> One technique that I use a lot involves IMAGINING the situation until you start to feel the anxiety or avoidance feelings-- and then bringing to bear the techniques you've learned for managing these feelings. There are a lot of self-soothing lessons, which then come into play-- such as deep breathing, etc-- . The idea is that you practice the experience before it happens, and prepare yourself to use these techniques at the moment when you'll need them. Then in the actual experience, you're prepared to bring use those techniques to help you reduce the fear, so that you can function.
>
> For example, I had a terrible fear of flying. One of the main things I did (and do whenever I fly) is go to youtube and watch videos of planes taking off, from the seats. Lots of people have posted these from their own takeoffs-- and they include the noises, and the length of time,etc. Then I practice deep breathing, and other things that help me the most in getting through crisis-type situations. It's made a huge difference, because in the plane, I do those things much more effectively. As a result of that (plus xanax-- I do recommend a bit of klonopin if you need it), I've been able to fly.
>
> If you could think of a similar way of pre-experiencing this discussion-- through videos, or role-playing-- or just using your imagination-- you'll find that it's doable. Not easy, but doable.
>
> I could give you a lot of other reasons, beyond your own survival- like having character traits such as honesty, speaking up to say what you believe, etc. to support your right to speak to your father. But I think the issue is really as you say the practical one of how to go forward. More than anything I recommend a group to grow stronger in many areas of self-soothing and understanding how to handle situations--and to feel very clear in what you can and can't expect from others and yourself..
>
> I definitely wouldn't ask my Mother about it. This really is up to you.
Posted by g_g_g_unit on May 29, 2012, at 6:00:40
In reply to Re: practical suggestions for standing up to father, posted by Phillipa on May 28, 2012, at 10:19:47
> I relate as my husband is same. No solution with him so remain silent and hope for best. If speak up it's my fault. I sure hope your Dad isn't like this. Phillipa
If you speak up it's your fault that he's using the GPS/phone? How so?
What's even more ironic is he reported some woman today for obstructing traffic :rolleyes:
Posted by emmanuel98 on May 29, 2012, at 19:34:42
In reply to Re: practical suggestions for standing up to father » Phillipa, posted by g_g_g_unit on May 29, 2012, at 6:00:40
My husband is completely ADD - always on the move, always checking his phone. He started to text in slow moving traffic the other day and I told him to stop and he did. Put his phone away. I have a friend who is just like him and we were driving to a lake when she started making calls and dialing numbers, reading texts. I said stop or pull over and let me out. I'll hitchhike back. It's safer than driving with you. She too put her phone away.
This is the end of the thread.
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