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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by obsidian on February 25, 2011, at 22:27:17
How many klonopin can I take? And for what?
I don't think I want to die, but I feel like I should take a bunch of those.
Let's research how many pills people have taken. How much kills a person? What comes close?
For two days I thought about how I could hurt myself.
And then all I did was go to sleep, because that's all there was to do. And when I woke up the next morning, thought again about how many, and had an amount in mind, but I wondered how dangerous that might be.
So, instead I stopped taking my medications and cancelled my t and Pdoc appointments. I tried to be fairly casual about the matter, because I didn't know what else to say.
I didn't know why I was thinking that way, but I figured who cares anyway? I was annoying for thinking that way, and I didn't think it was right to subject anyone to that.
As it turns out annoying Pdoc does Phone appointments. He asked me how I was taking my medications, to be sure about the dosage and amounts I was taking....usual Pdoc stuff. Well I had no way of answering that question, because I wasn't taking them. Yes, I was having thoughts of hurting myself. There's nothing to be done about that. And just yesterday I spoke in t about that, and that was about three weeks ago, and I have been dragging myself through this since. I don't have those thoughts anymore, but I am not sure why I had them, and whether it was manipulative in some sort of way. I really didn't know what to do with myself.
If anyone reads this and has any idea about what that was about, let me know.
Thanks, sid
Posted by Dinah on February 25, 2011, at 23:15:46
In reply to Trigger*** so I found myself thinking...., posted by obsidian on February 25, 2011, at 22:27:17
I have those thoughts from time to time. I give my husband the pills when I do. Not as much that I'm really afraid I'll act on it, but because it stops the d*mn obsessions.
Is there any chance you can have someone hold your meds? If you don't think you can give them to your husband, maybe give them to your therapist, except for enough till the next appt?
Definitely not the time to cancel appointments, I think. Thoughts are thoughts and tend to crop up under stress. But why keep on hand the fodder for the thoughts? I'm sure someone would be happy to hold them for you.
((( Sid )))
Take care of yourself.
Posted by obsidian on February 25, 2011, at 23:22:30
In reply to Re: Trigger*** so I found myself thinking...., posted by Dinah on February 25, 2011, at 23:15:46
> I have those thoughts from time to time. I give my husband the pills when I do. Not as much that I'm really afraid I'll act on it, but because it stops the d*mn obsessions.
he understands??
> Is there any chance you can have someone hold your meds? If you don't think you can give them to your husband, maybe give them to your therapist, except for enough till the next appt?
>
> Definitely not the time to cancel appointments, I think. Thoughts are thoughts and tend to crop up under stress. But why keep on hand the fodder for the thoughts? I'm sure someone would be happy to hold them for you.
>
> ((( Sid )))
>
> Take care of yourself.thank you. I'm not thinking about it anymore. It was a few weeks ago. I hadn't really talked about it though.
It's not occupying my thoughts now. For those two days though it felt constant. It was strangely comforting.
I'm better now.
Posted by Dinah on February 26, 2011, at 8:25:52
In reply to Re: Trigger*** so I found myself thinking.... » Dinah, posted by obsidian on February 25, 2011, at 23:22:30
I'm not fussing at you when I say this, merely sharing my own conclusions about an experience I too have had. And will likely have in the future.
I tend to obsess about killing myself when I'm under stress. My therapist says that I think about death like some people think about running away to Tahiti. It's not a conscious thing, but it does definitely seem to be a linked cause and effect thing. I get obsessions, and when I'm stressed I obsess about ways to escape.
It's horribly unpleasant, even if there is some comfort to me in it. I tell my therapist that without my suicidal ideation, life might sometimes be too scary to bear. Even when I'm not currently stressed, I keep that thought in my back pocket as a way to escape the most feared outcome. But the moments where it becomes an inescapable obsession are scary and unpleasant and beyond my control. I'm never sure I won't act on them. I don't think it would be safe to be sure, and I am angry with my therapist when he seems too sure that I won't act on them.
All that is really beyond my control. Thoughts are thoughts and obsessive thoughts are by nature not something we will on ourselves.
But actions are actions. What we do with those thoughts *is* in our control. And we have a responsibility with respect to our actions, to ourselves, to our loved ones, and to (if one is religious) our creator.
That's one reason I don't want to be on insulin. And why I don't keep a gun in the house. And why it's important to resist the urge to turn away from therapists and pdocs when in the grip of an obsession. And why, even if it might upset my husband, it is important to take the thing I'm obsessing about out of the reach of impulsive action. My husband doesn't like it and it does frankly upset him. But I assume he'd like even less finding me unconscious because I was momentarily weak.
Admittedly it can be unpleasant to ask my husband to hold my pills. He tends to get angry when he's anxious. I'm pretty sure my therapist would hold my pills for me, and give me just enough until I next saw him, if I was worrying about acting on the obsession, or just wanted to be able to live without the constant obsessions. I *think* it's also possible to have a pharmacy split doses into nonlethal amounts, if necessary.
These are my own conclusions on what I ought to do in similar experiences. Just thought I'd share them, for what they are worth.
Posted by obsidian on February 26, 2011, at 10:40:50
In reply to Re: Trigger*** so I found myself thinking.... » obsidian, posted by Dinah on February 26, 2011, at 8:25:52
and I have a lot of distractions, a lot of them.
but in the state, the thoughts just kept coming, whether I wanted to think about them or not.time spent alone is dedicated to it.
it was like...I have to solve this problem. I don't know how to solve this problem, what can I do? what are my options? I could simply implode/explode at this point, but I can't really do that. I have bills to pay. I fantasize about working part time, and that's just ridiculous.
but maybe I could feel better than this??
well maybe not
maybe the medications aren't doing a damn thing?
so f*ck 'em. I will not take them, I will endure the withdrawal, and that will be it with them.
and my therapist over-reacts to the medication thing. makes me feel like a "mental patient".
That's a weird feeling, to feel like a mental patient.
like, "I just can't hold it together. My moods are obvious, and I try to fake it through most of it, but it's just there, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I am anxious beyond belief, and it's hellish for me to push through it."I know however, that I will push through it, because some days are better.
the ridiculous idea of going to a hospital briefly occurs to me. I know they are not helpful places, and the thought of it is repulsive. They are not romantic places, they are misery, anger, illness, desperation. Beyond meds, they don't have much. they don't have movies about what those places are really like, they have idealized ones where they sit around and talk on a daily basis whether they wanted to or not.
It reminds me of the myth of sisyphus.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Myth_of_Sisyphus
and my pdoc said he would hospitalize me for a day if he had to. that scared the hell out of me. "Oh, no, no, I don't need that, no, no."
when I want to say: "what are you f'ing nuts?"
I don't need that problem.I do appreciate what you've shared. It makes good sense to me. Thank you.
Posted by ron1953 on February 27, 2011, at 12:42:48
In reply to Re: Trigger*** so I found myself thinking.... » Dinah, posted by obsidian on February 26, 2011, at 10:40:50
I have a good deal of experience with Klonopin, and the OP's post raises some red flags in my mind. My first suicide attempt occurred shortly after I was given Klonopin for the first time. Nobody saw the connection at the time, but over the 7 subsequent years that I took Klonopin, there were other incidents that in hindsight were definitely related to the disinhibiting effects of the drug, and addiction. Perhaps because I had been pretty volatile all my life, my doctor didn't connect the dots, or perhaps she really didn't know enough about benzos and benzo addiction. In addition to the disinhibition, I found that the physical addiction symptoms actually present BETWEEN doses, causing constant distress. I learned all of this, and put all of the pieces together when I did my final withdrawal (cold turkey at home) after taking about 30 milligrams. The website www.benzo.org.uk provided me with a wealth of information aboout my disastrous experiences with Klonopin. I highly recommend that anybody taking benzos should avail themselves of some really good info.
Posted by B2Chica on February 28, 2011, at 14:26:31
In reply to Trigger*** so I found myself thinking...., posted by obsidian on February 25, 2011, at 22:27:17
Very interesting that while i was taking lkonipin i had EXACT SAME ISSUES!!
pdoc thought it was abilify, i stopped that but still issue. i stopped klonipin on my own and about three days later i was much better with the 'manipulative anger' issues.
but i wanted to take more, take more JUST TO SEE, JUST TO TEST, how much was too much. i wanted to mix klonipin with xanax and gabapentin..etc.this cant be a coincidence? can it?
very interesting.
b2c.
Posted by B2Chica on February 28, 2011, at 14:30:35
In reply to Re: Trigger*** so I found myself thinking...., posted by B2Chica on February 28, 2011, at 14:26:31
ok now, just read 64's comment.
THANK YOU.cuz when i stopped klonipin i mentioned this to my t and pdoc (previous behavior led me to group meeting...ugh) anyway. pdoc and t looked at me like (ya, not that drug its supposed to STOP that kind of behavior) but i swore it made a difference.
i think i might mention your two posts to t and pdoc.
Thnk you very much.
b2c.
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