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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua3 on February 21, 2010, at 15:37:29
It has been so long since I posted. I was scared off by the whole Twitter thing.
Things have changed for me so much, and not exactly for the better.
My work situation changed late last year and since then I've haven't seen (or talked to) my wonderful T I've had for 19 years since Thanksgiving. Why? Why haven't I called her? Part of me wants to handle my life myself, and I've certainly had times where I've thought, "Oh, I have to call her!!" but then I handled it on my own and I was proud of myself.
Part of it was that I got really sick for several months and was focused on that, but didn't lean on her.
Maybe I'm trying to stay clear of my mother. My own mother says I have a lot of "mad" inside of me, something she has been saying to me since I told her of some things that happened when I was young (not even with my own father; other horrible things that came out in therapy--with my psychiatrist). My T has always been my good mother, so what's my problem? I'm also surprised she hasn't called me--she always told me she wouldn't let me disappear like this, but she has. Maybe I'm mad at her???
The more complicated, very complicated situation is with my psychiatrist. Due to weather, sports schedules, his traveling, etc., I haven't seen him for more than a month (and no plans to see him for another month) and before that it was the same--six to eight or more weeks between appointments.
The problem is his schedule. He doesn't have time to fit me in. His schedule is full. He told me three weeks ago, time would open up, but it hasn't.
I feel totally and completely abandoned, especially in going through transference with my psychiatrist. He knows this, BTW. This transference is really difficult without ever seeing him.
Also, I think I was tired of the triad of T, pdoc and me, just like being in the middle of my parents. The "he said/she said" dilemma. I don't want that anymore.
I have had a really long haul with my psychiatrist, in many ways, and he helped me open up to myself, to let the memories come forth. It has never been easy; it has been extremely painful, as anyone who has been through this knows, and part of me hates him for this.
I was hoping to resolve my male authority figure issues with my pdoc (it was one of our stated goals when we began this rocky ride several years ago), but we haven't achieved that goal, or my other one, to change the way I feel about my father.
I'm not sure what to do. Calling my T seems like a step backwards, but how could that be? I also wonder if I need a new psychiatrist to get over the one I have???
I think I've changed a lot, and I'm really letting the past go and I am moving on, but... Maybe I'm just lonely, in that I'm used to having one/two people to talk to about what my mind is telling me.
Anyway, hello to everyone, wishing you well.
antigua
Posted by rnny on February 21, 2010, at 18:08:55
In reply to I'm not sure what I'm doing, posted by antigua3 on February 21, 2010, at 15:37:29
I think you hit the nail on the head when you suggested you might be mad at your old T. That right there is one reason you may not be calling her. I would contact her and express your hurt, pain and anger at feeling abandoned by her. She made you a promise or at least led you to believe this would never happen and it has.
Posted by Dinah on February 22, 2010, at 9:57:35
In reply to I'm not sure what I'm doing, posted by antigua3 on February 21, 2010, at 15:37:29
Hi Antigua! I was wondering what happened with your situation.
Your therapist can't help you get over the psychiatrist you have? Why do you consider seeing her a step back?
Or is it that you don't really need her anymore? Maybe your psychiatrist sees that your need for him is less than it was, and isn't putting the same priority on making time as he did? Most psychiatrists don't do therapy anymore, so perhaps it was always an intentional thing to carve out the time in his schedule? He always was a bit more likely to do what he thinks is best for you, wasn't he? If I'm remembering correctly...
What do you think? Are you ready for the teenage developmental stage of therapy? Or perhaps young adult? It's a bit scary and definitely lonely moving away from home. Are you ready for it? Are you coping ok? Are there alternate ways to avoid feeling lonely?
Of course, I'm out of touch with what's going on in your life, so I may be way off base.
It really is good to get a chance to catch up.
Posted by Willful on February 22, 2010, at 10:25:47
In reply to I'm not sure what I'm doing, posted by antigua3 on February 21, 2010, at 15:37:29
Hi, antigua.
I don't think seeing a T because you're having more or even recurrent issues is a step backward. If it is, you'll know much moreafter you see her, too.
From what I gathered in the past, you've always been ambivalent about your psychiatrist-- and have felt that he's distant or unresponsive. (I hope I'm remembering correctly.) It's very brave and difficult to work with someone who has a cooler style than what we're comfortable with-- and I know you made that choice very consciously. He seems to have something you need-- even though he doesn't give you other things. But could you talk to him over the phone? At least to tell him that you need to come in sooner?
I can understand why the triad was too much to manage. It seems like a lot. But maybe your psychiatrist isn't available enough to give you what you're looking for in terms of resolution of issues with your father?
It may seem radical, but how about finding another T? Maybe a man, if you think that would help more on father issues? It wouldn't be, although it might feel, disloyal to your old T. Your old T was a wonderful person-- but maybe what she had to offer didn't reach these other issues for some reason. Sometimes this happens.
I'm just thinking aloud. I might be completely off base. If so, I apologize. You do sound like you're in a difficult situation-- and I'd like to give you support to see your old T if you feel that would help. To go forward, sometimes you have to call on the resources you found in the past, don't you think?
You can still be proud of yourself, even if you're relying on people-- it can be a sign of real independence to do that, too.
Willful
Posted by Phillipa on February 22, 2010, at 12:56:05
In reply to Re: I'm not sure what I'm doing, posted by Willful on February 22, 2010, at 10:25:47
Life sure isn't easy. Phillipa
Posted by antigua3 on February 22, 2010, at 15:06:54
In reply to Re: I'm not sure what I'm doing, posted by rnny on February 21, 2010, at 18:08:55
It's not her fault. It's me. I could pick up the phone but I'm choosing not to for some reason. Part of it is that she has gotten more distracted over the past year (Yikes, but that doesn't mean I'm getting older!)and just isn't always "there". But, then again, that's not really true. I don't want to need her anymore, but maybe I do. Pick up the phone and call. It's not a failure...
thanks,
antigua
Posted by antigua3 on February 22, 2010, at 15:16:35
In reply to Re: I'm not sure what I'm doing » antigua3, posted by Dinah on February 22, 2010, at 9:57:35
Thanks Dinah, you always are a beacon of common sense in the midst of my irrationality.
Talking about my psychiatrist to my T was difficult toward the end (Aha! something else to consider). I didn't want to feel like I was defending him when she saw some things that really weren't quite right in his approach. It's the old mom/dad thing and nobody else is allowed to say anything horrible about my father. That is one of the things I've been trying to get over. I don't know how I feel about any of that anymore.
OK, I just gave in and called and left her a message. My first message. Sometimes it takes a few before she gets them because she is totally inept technologically... another reason to love her.
Yes, I am ready to fly, but just like my pre-teen son, sometimes you have to head back for cover and for strength before you move forward. Even as a pre-teen, teenager, wife/mother, you name it, we can all use a helping hand every now and then.
This whole situation with my psychiatrist is just too reminiscent of my father, but when I explore it, I often find that my misperceptions also play a role so it's so hard to see the truth.
When pressed, he says I'm not finished, but then he can't find time for me. It hurts, and it hurts a lot and I don't want to be reminded of it so I avoid my T.
Go figure. Thanks for responding,Dinah,
antigua
Posted by antigua3 on February 22, 2010, at 15:22:57
In reply to Re: I'm not sure what I'm doing, posted by Willful on February 22, 2010, at 10:25:47
No, you remember my situation very accurately... thanks.
Per my post above, I did give in and call my T. She will help; she always does.
As to my psychiatrist, I have told him on the phone how I couldn't wait that long to see him, but he's just booked. (Maybe it also has to do with a not so nice letter I also wrote him when he wouldn't see me. Guess I forgot to mention that, huh? It's not unusual at all for me to write between sessions and that makes it even MORE likely that he won't call. He'd rather talk in person).
I just feel like he has really let me down. Again. And why am I surprised, especially if I picked someone so much like my father??? The smart, grown-up, indpendent woman would have stomped out long ago, but it's that little girl that keeps on going back.
So I did call, and I think I even begged. How pathetic is that? When he told me he couldn't see me, after the call I called him right back and asked him if he didn't think it was time to refer me out if he couldn't see me? His response? Time would open up and he would call me. It has been three weeks. I hate him.
antigua
Posted by Daisym on February 23, 2010, at 1:05:55
In reply to Re: I'm not sure what I'm doing » Willful, posted by antigua3 on February 22, 2010, at 15:22:57
I think I hate him too. But that is probably exactly what you need to be practicing - hating and then taking care of yourself around it. That said, this is out of line and not very professional of him. If he has decided to stop doing therapy with you and only do med management, or whatever, he should be candid about that. This is almost professional abandonment and that is a big no-no.
I'd leave him a short message asking for a referral. If he gives you BS about time opening up again, I'd ask him to set a clear "no later than" date - and hold him to it. No matter what you are suppose to be learning in all of this, this is just not the way to do it.
As far as your T goes, I'm glad you called her. I think she is your safe base and we all need to return from time to time to feel safe again. Sometimes just being in a safe place lets us think through things in a new, more productive way. So even if she isn't quite capable of sorting it all out, together you probably will be.
I'm sorry you've been sick. Take good care,
Daisy
Posted by antigua3 on February 23, 2010, at 7:51:11
In reply to Re: I'm not sure what I'm doing, posted by Daisym on February 23, 2010, at 1:05:55
Thanks Daisy.
Yes, I do hate him and maybe I'm supposed to, but I don't think that this is the way to learn to handle it on my own. I did ask him for referral and you know what he said? "We'll talk about that next time." The irony of the situation wasn't lost on me--here he was, telling me, that I had to wait at least five weeks for the referral.
I think he's an egotistical, greedy, selfish, driven, etc. man whose priority is himself, not his patients. I'm not saying that right, but to me our relationship has always been more about him. A lot of this is projection, I know that, and how I handle this is important. Sometimes I feel desperate like the young girl who was abandoned and I may cry, but then I try to put him out of my mind, which isn't resolving anything.
There is a problem here, though. He makes my father look better to me so something is really twisted. Maybe my T can help, but it's going to be hard to get to her. She hasn't called back yet, which means she's probably away, etc., etc., so it takes a whole lot of effort to reestablish that connection w/o feeling abandoned by her either. But with her, I understand. She's human; it's natural, but it isn't with him, although rationally, this is about me having to reschedule a bunch of appts and him not having time to see me otherwise.
But ratonality doesn't rule the day, here, and he has forgotten that, never knew that, and more importantly to my sad mind, he doesn't care enough. That is my constant refrain.
I can't wait for next time. His never-ending comment has always been, "Have I ever done anything to make you think I would abandon you?" I can scream YES this time, but it won't make a difference. He will discuss it very rationally and ask me to try and take the emotion out of it and see it for what it is.
Oh, to extract myself. Whoever said maybe he isn't the one to help me with the father issues (and why I saw him and agreed to therapy w/him when HE suggested it). Maybe I just can't separate out the psychiatrist from the father, and maybe his value is done. Also, my T is great, but she can't fix this. I have to fix this, but I guess I have to recognize that it's OK that I can't do this alone.
I'm tired; very, very tired.
thanks everyone,
antigua
Posted by Daisym on February 23, 2010, at 19:51:27
In reply to Re: I'm not sure what I'm doing » Daisym, posted by antigua3 on February 23, 2010, at 7:51:11
Do you realize how huge it is to say that you can't work out this issue alone? I think admitting that you need help around this begins to separate the old from the new. In the past, all male issues needed to be kept from mother - to be dealt with alone and in silence. Here, you reach out and are willing to scream, "yes."
Growth - painful growth - but still - growth. I think you might be done with him but take what you've learned with you. You've earned it.
Posted by rskontos on February 25, 2010, at 23:31:43
In reply to Re: I'm not sure what I'm doing » antigua3, posted by Daisym on February 23, 2010, at 19:51:27
Antigua,
I am in no position to yield advice and you've gotten some nice words of wisdom, I just wanted to say to you, Daisym, Dinah and all. I miss you guys. Mostly I just deal on my own, with increasing panic attacks of epic proportions that isn't working so well.
Take care guys, I miss the support that was here. Hope you guys are all ok, or as ok as possible.
Rsk
Posted by antigua3 on February 26, 2010, at 14:32:32
In reply to Re: I'm not sure what I'm doing, posted by rskontos on February 25, 2010, at 23:31:43
How nice to hear from you! I have been wondering how you were doing.
Care to post? If not, I certainly understand, but know that I'm thinking about you.
antigua
Posted by antigua3 on March 2, 2010, at 18:05:39
In reply to Re: I'm not sure what I'm doing » rskontos, posted by antigua3 on February 26, 2010, at 14:32:32
More than a week later and still I sit here waiting. I'm destined to be doing this alone. I can't imagine even starting with a new T/psychiatrist. Maybe I don't even need the meds anymore either.
Warning signs everywhere. Unhealthy thinking. At least I recognize it.
And where is my T?
antigua
Posted by floatingbridge on March 10, 2010, at 11:02:52
In reply to I'm still waiting..., posted by antigua3 on March 2, 2010, at 18:05:39
Antigua, how are you doing?
Posted by antigua3 on March 10, 2010, at 19:27:28
In reply to Re: I'm still waiting... » antigua3, posted by floatingbridge on March 10, 2010, at 11:02:52
That certainly is nice of you to ask.
I'm still waiting. Don't know what's going on with my T, but we did make an agreement a while ago that I should make two efforts to contact her if I haven't heard back from her. Somehow or other I can't bring myself to make that call, but I will.
I saw my psychiatrist last night after about two months. It was uncomfortable and not necessarily helpful. I'm left with feeling such an unaccountable pain that can make me double over if I succumb to it.
It was just very painful to face who he is, what he can and cannot give me.
He couldn't remember things I'd said or written in the past and it was just an acute reminder of how long it has been.
Reestabling a connection won't be easy and I'm not sure I want to. Consistency will be important and I'll give it a month to see if we can make progress.
I re-read someone's post (sorry I don't remember who), but it mentioned feeling shame for feeling needy. That's what I feel like with my psychiatrist. Ashamed.
thanks for asking. I really appreciate it, and you've given me the nudge to call my T again. Maybe I'm afraid to call her because I'm really afraid she won't call back. No, she would; it would mean something was wrong and I'm not sure I could handle that, but I'll call.
thanks again,
antigua
Posted by floatingbridge on March 11, 2010, at 17:52:17
In reply to I'm still waiting..., posted by antigua3 on March 2, 2010, at 18:05:39
Antigua, how are you doing?
Posted by floatingbridge on March 11, 2010, at 18:11:34
In reply to Re: I'm still waiting... » floatingbridge, posted by antigua3 on March 10, 2010, at 19:27:28
Hi,
Not sure how I posted the same message on two different days....
Maybe things will go really well with your T. And someone above mentioned she could work with you about your pdoc. That could be good--sounds like maybe there's something there to look at and even let go of, painful as it may be.
Are you feeling any better today? That doubled over feeling is familiar to me.
I read a recent study, where, I've forgotten, that social or interpersonal rejection inflicts real pain on the body--it isn't 'simply' emotional or psychic. I thought of that as you described how your pdoc didn't track you, couldn't remember things about you. I'm very sensitive to that w/ my doc--sometimes testing him w/out being aware of it until later. Some sessions I leave feeling so insecure it hurts.
Good luck with your T.
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