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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by yellowbird01 on May 8, 2009, at 18:12:13
Well, it's almost mothers day. That always brings up some stress for me.... what to do? Send a card? Do nothing? Try my best to live in denial that it's even happening? I imagine I'm not the only one here who has an interesting relationship (or lack thereof) with their mother and questions in their head when this holiday (and father's day too) comes around. What do you do?
I'm somewhat open at work about my family and my past experiences with them. I work in the child abuse/neglect field so this type of sharing isnt really a big deal or unusual. I mentioned today to a coworker that I'm not planning on doing anything. My mother lives two hours away and we only speak once every few months. If I dont call her, she doesnt call me. She has neglected me my entire life and made it obvious many times that I'm a low priority. Because of that, buying a card or making any effort towards a mothers day thank you isnt really a high priority for me. I know anything sent would get no recognition. It makes me angry to think of having to go out of my way for her when she is so unwilling to do anything for me (like visit me in the hospital when I had emergency surgery, etc). Anyway, my coworker feels that it's very wrong of me not to at least send a card, even given her issues. She said that I only have one mother and I need to take what I can get, even if it is crappy. She said that by not even sending a card, I'm acting the same way (and just as badly) as my mother and I cant blame her for not reaching out if I do the same thing. She said that I'm enabling and encouraging my mother's behavior by doing staying away and not trying to connect either. None of this was said in a mean way... she meant to be helpful... but I just dont know. I tried to explain that staying away is more about self protection and being independent from them. Even though it shouldnt, it still stings when they act badly, and for me, acceptance of who they are has included just staying away to protect myself. Now what my coworker said has brought up a lot of questions and I'm feeling pretty bad/guilty and questioning myself a lot. For any who dont know, I'm 26 years old and have lived on my own for 8 years now.
Is it wrong NOT to make any recognition of mother's day? What are your thoughts? If you have issues with family, how do you handle these holidays?
Posted by obsidian on May 8, 2009, at 19:07:09
In reply to Mother's Day, posted by yellowbird01 on May 8, 2009, at 18:12:13
hi yellowbird,
I don't know. My mother I send something to, as she does care for me. It's just that prolonged interactions with her become harmful to me. The looking at mother's day cards is painful though. A lot of them are about closeness and stuff that don't describe my relationship with her. I find something that expresses some affection without pretending that I have a close relationship with her.
However, I don't have a problem not sending anything to my father as he has had no problem apparently forgetting that I exist.
I remember a friend of mine saying something about how I "should" contact him. I thought she was light years away from the mark, but this evoked a confusing type of guilt. I feel no obligation, as he feels no obligation toward me. I feel no need to be "better" than him, and I don't want to waste energy pretending.Only you can know yellowbird. Do you want the relationship with your mother to be more? Do you think it could be?
Posted by Phillipa on May 8, 2009, at 23:42:55
In reply to Re: Mother's Day » yellowbird01, posted by obsidian on May 8, 2009, at 19:07:09
Mine is the other side of the story my Mother died when I was 17 so much I wish I knew but don't. Anyway since she was sick my whole life physically she never taught me a thing like cleaning and cooking. So I had three children at a young age and never wanted them to feel helpless like I did when married early so taught them all how to be independant and wash clothes, cook, clean, now all are successful but I taught them to be so independant not even a card, e-mail or telephone call and this hurts as was a good mother gave all to them. Then let them be free. Too free. Like never had kids. Never hurt them. I'm sure made a lot of mistakes but cared probably too much for them as children. Just the other side of things. Hey can I adopt you guys? Love Phillipa
Posted by Sigismund on May 9, 2009, at 0:55:33
In reply to Re: Mother's Day, posted by Phillipa on May 8, 2009, at 23:42:55
Who dreamed up Mothers Day?
He was American, I know that, and probably in an industry to profit from it, and recently too (1920s?).
I dread Fathers Day (like much else) but am relieved no one ever has any ideas about buying me a drill.
Posted by ceres on May 9, 2009, at 6:32:06
In reply to Re: Mother's Day, posted by Sigismund on May 9, 2009, at 0:55:33
Sigismund, it wasn't a man, --which I found out from a man. The American version of Mother's Day was started by a a peace activist & feminist in the 1800's. Another woman got it some official status in the early 1900's & then corporate Amer got involved (men, safe to say). But, I think the British version goes back much further & was tied to the church.
I wonder if the Amer M.D. displaced May Day, which I thought was a "rites of Spring" celebration going back to pagan times.I'm thinking about sending e-cards to my friends who didn't reproduce, saying thank you for not adding to overpopulation. And, Happy Mother of Cats & Dogs day. But, I do send Mom a card.
Posted by ceres on May 9, 2009, at 7:44:05
In reply to Mother's Day, posted by yellowbird01 on May 8, 2009, at 18:12:13
YellowBird,
I think there are a lot of people, especially in their 20's, struggling with this same thing.Our culture puts mothers on a pedestal. Thus, we have sappy cards that don't align w/ real human beings.
I lean toward sending a card. I mean, something simple, or a humorous one, not "Mom, you're my best friend," or "You are always there for me." Maybe send an e-card, to avoid the stores & the pink balloons.
This holiday provides structure for acknowledging your connection to one another, however anemic & fragile it currently is. One makes contact, knowing that everyone's fallible & even those disproportionately so have the possibility of evolving.
About protecting oneself, that works with short correspondence, occasional cards. If you talk on the phone, planning points to converse on & those to avoid & keeping the call short ought to help. Visits can be short, very structured & in a neutral territory (park, cafe,..). --but, no more than cards when you're feeling very depressed or unstable.
Another thing that can be helpful, is to write a list of any positive attributes or memories or partial memories, anything you can eek out about your Mother. You might have to really stretch yourself or be creative, or ask another person who knows your Mother.
One can accept a deeply flawed human being, not expecting reciprocity from them.
You might feel more peace, at the time when your mother dies, knowing that you kept the door open, made a gentle effort, and handled things with what grace you could muster in such circumstance. This path would be about your peace & well being.And, how about Phillipa's generous offer? A 2nd chance for a friendly mother!
Posted by Dinah on May 9, 2009, at 8:50:58
In reply to Mother's Day, posted by yellowbird01 on May 8, 2009, at 18:12:13
It's hard for me to balance the fact that I owe my mother a lot, and she was a fabulous mother for me when I was young. My mother really likes young children, less so when they turn ten or so. It balanced out ok, because my father had no idea what to do with very young children, but enjoyed talking to me once I got old enough to have intelligent conversations. Still, she was great when I was little. I put my son in her care as an infant/toddler without a qualm.
But as I got older... Well, it's not entirely her fault. She's not all that mentally healthy. She was supportive of me and my interests as I got older, even if she had more than one motivation to be supportive.
Even trying to keep all that in mind, no way am I going to get her a mushy card. I take my time and look around and can generally find a card that doesn't say anything I don't wish to say.
Once I became a mom myself, we worked out an arrangement. I take her out to dinner, but *my* mother's day gift is that we do it on any other day but mother's day. Restaurants are a horrible place on Mother's Day.
I sorta wish they didn't have it. My family treats me well all year round. I see no reason to make an issue of it on one day.
When I was little, I campaigned for, and got, kid's day celebrated in our family. My father said that every day was kids day, but I pointed out how hard kids really work at being helpful to their parents and productive at school. It didn't last long, and it was tied to the school year somehow. A small present, an appreciation for a job well done...
Posted by Sigismund on May 9, 2009, at 18:49:20
In reply to Re: Mother's Day for Peace » Sigismund, posted by ceres on May 9, 2009, at 6:32:06
I take it all back.
I had the idea that it was started by a Hallmark executive or something equally awful.
Instead I found out about Julia Ward Howe
>Arise then...women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts!
Whether your baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly:
"We will not have questions answered by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage,
For caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country,
Will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs.">From the bosom of a devastated Earth a voice goes up with
Our own. It says: "Disarm! Disarm!
The sword of murder is not the balance of justice."
Blood does not wipe out dishonor,
Nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil
At the summons of war,
Let women now leave all that may be left of home
For a great and earnest day of counsel.
Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace...
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,
But of God -
In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask
That a general congress of women without limit of nationality,
May be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient
And the earliest period consistent with its objects,
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions,
The great and general interests of peace.
Soon forgotten, I have to say.
Sounds like it was after WWI when everyone said they never would.
Posted by yellowbird01 on May 10, 2009, at 17:06:10
In reply to Re: Mother's Day » yellowbird01, posted by Dinah on May 9, 2009, at 8:50:58
Well, I decided to opt for being the world's worst daughter and did nothing. Didnt send a card or anything. I know that it doesnt make me a bad person, but I sure feel guilty about it. At the same time, I'm okay with my decision. I meant to talk with my T about the upcoming mother's day last week and forgot... I guess I'll talk to her about it this week instead.
I would like a closer relationship with my mother. However, I dont think she wants it OR is capable of it... or both. I dont know. I am very confident that even if I tried, a close relationship likely wouldnt ever be possible. I think I've accepted a lot of things about my parents, but I do still have some anger towards them, and that it what makes me refuse to make any effort, even sending a card on mother's day.
Dinah, I think what you described about yourself and your relationship with your mother is the place I hope to get to one day. As you said, my mother was also a pretty good mother (best i can remember) when I was younger. Once I became an preteen/teen is when everything changed. I recognize that is represents her issues more than anything else, and accept that she truly may be unable to be any more than she was, but my emotional self hasnt quite caught up with that understanding.
Happy mother day to all the mothers posting here! :)
This is the end of the thread.
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