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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by obsidian on March 24, 2009, at 22:36:50
like I mean your state of mind when that seemed to be like a good idea.............
if that's how you're feeling it's hard to imagine it as a memory
like at certain points I've thought, my life can't get any worse than this
but I don't think like that all the time
but I remember thinking about suicide, but it's almost always scared the crap out of me
Posted by DAisym on March 24, 2009, at 22:44:55
In reply to does anyone remember feeling suicidal?? (trigger), posted by obsidian on March 24, 2009, at 22:36:50
I think that for many of us, suicide is the ultimate escape.
My therapist said to me recently that he heard a quote that reminded him of me: "Dying is easy. Living is hard."
The first time I remember feeling suicidal I was shocked to actually put words to the feelings. But I was just so tired of feeling so low -- I felt useless and didn't know how to help myself. But I also couldn't understand how it had come to this - what had changed so drastically?
A friend said to me: "perhaps nothing has changed. But you've carried so much for so long that you just can't take one more step with that load." That's how I found myself in therapy.
Whatever is going on for you, I hope it gets better soon.
Posted by Phillipa on March 24, 2009, at 23:53:26
In reply to Re: does anyone remember feeling suicidal?? (trigger) » obsidian, posted by DAisym on March 24, 2009, at 22:44:55
Me too. I found myself feeling that way a few weeks ago. I think sometimes this wierd weather really affects moods. Once a med did that to me also. Phillipa
Posted by SLS on March 25, 2009, at 7:20:46
In reply to does anyone remember feeling suicidal?? (trigger), posted by obsidian on March 24, 2009, at 22:36:50
> like I mean your state of mind when that seemed to be like a good idea.............
>
> if that's how you're feeling it's hard to imagine it as a memory
> like at certain points I've thought, my life can't get any worse than this
> but I don't think like that all the time
> but I remember thinking about suicide, but it's almost always scared the crap out of me
Good thing.In the past, I have reached the point of concluding logically that autoeuthanasia was my inevitable, yet humane, fate. However, it scared me, too, and although I have been truly suicidal states, I have never made a plan or researched ways of accomplishing such a goal painlessly.
For many people suffering from a depressive disorder, they are plagued by a neurochemical suicidal state that is unrelated to their content of thought. It is a dark, cold, and oppressive experience. That is why a drug like Zyprexa can relieve one's mind of suicidal thinking. It attacks the dysfunctional neurobiology responsible for it. This kind of suicidality is most often associated with significant anger or anxiety. One actually "feels" suicidal, not just thinks suicidally.
I have been content and very far from suicide when trying a new drug, only for that drug to produce a severe exacerbation of my depression with attendant suicidal feelings and suicidal thinking. Relief was immediate upon the cessation of the handful of drugs that did this to me.
On another note, depression can alter one's thoughts and feelings such that decision-making becomes difficult. The more severe the depression, the more one's judgment becomes skewed towards negative thinking and outlook. It is not a good state to be in when contemplating a major life decision. So, the more severe the depression, the more skewed the cognition. The more skewed the cognition, the more depressed one becomes. It is a positive feedback loop (which in this case, is a very negative).
This is why a severe depression can come on so quickly. People often call it "spiralling down". I think it is worth seeking out psychological tools to help prevent this downward plunge.
- Scott
Posted by onceupon on March 25, 2009, at 9:44:57
In reply to does anyone remember feeling suicidal?? (trigger), posted by obsidian on March 24, 2009, at 22:36:50
I don't feel suicidal right now, but I have in the past, and so yes, I experience it as a memory. I agree with you that it's an odd experience (both feeling suicidal and having the memory of it).
The memory of it is almost visceral for me. It's not just a series of thoughts, but a feeling in my head. Or maybe it's about how my perceptions feel. IDK, it's hard to explain, I guess. Thinking about it has never really been scary for me, though. There have been times when not thinking about it seemed scarier, in that I felt much more trapped in my situation. Like Daisy said, it was the ultimate escape.
Maybe the greater challenge is to have the memory, when feeling suicidal, of what it's like not to feel that way. Hmm...now you've got me thinking. I wonder how one could cultivate and keep that memory.
It is endlessly fascinating to me that suicidal states can be brought about through biochemical means too, as Scott discussed. Makes me think of the human brain as kind of an odd duck, for which just the right (or wrong) combination of chemicals can induce it to turn on itself.
Posted by raisinb on March 25, 2009, at 15:38:28
In reply to does anyone remember feeling suicidal?? (trigger), posted by obsidian on March 24, 2009, at 22:36:50
Yeah, I was seriously suicidal for a few months last year.
As I began making plans I realized it was a monumental undertaking--getting all the right materials and making sure it worked. And I realized I'd have to go through all of it alone. That was a wake up call. It didn't scare me as much as make me so sad I almost couldn't move. I thought about all the times I'd tried so hard, all the things I'd done, and now it had come to this.
In the end I lived, but I very well might have died given what I went through. You're right, it IS hard to remember what it felt like.
Posted by Sigismund on March 25, 2009, at 18:07:08
In reply to Re: does anyone remember feeling suicidal?? (trigger), posted by SLS on March 25, 2009, at 7:20:46
Living with depression (or whatever) for me involves being aware that part of me thinks everything is a mistake and it would be a very good idea for it all to stop immediately, over and above the vileness that is part of the world and (I feel obliged to say) me.
This is balanced, in an extreme kind of way, by the fact that the world is such a beautiful and magical place.
So yes, I know always how it makes a lot of sense to cease to exist, and how to cease to be might make the world a better place.
This (I suppose) is living with ambivalence.
Posted by Kath on March 25, 2009, at 19:42:35
In reply to does anyone remember feeling suicidal?? (trigger), posted by obsidian on March 24, 2009, at 22:36:50
I do remember feeling like I didn't want my life. I remember talking about it with my aunt. It wasn't that I had a plan, or anything. I just didn't want to keep living.
My uncle was a policeman, & my aunt told me that he'd told her that hardly ANYone was successful. I believed her & it seemed to shift my focus I guess.
(((((you))))) luv, Kath
Posted by backseatdriver on March 27, 2009, at 13:45:00
In reply to Re: does anyone remember feeling suicidal?? (trigger) » obsidian, posted by Kath on March 25, 2009, at 19:42:35
When I am suicidal, it is impossible to remember what it is like not to be suicidal. When I am not suicidal, the suicidal state becomes impossible to recall. The two mental states are mutually exclusive for me.
The suicidal state is scary largely because of the sheer extent of cognitive malfunction. I know I am not thinking clearly but I *feel* perfectly clear and rational. My empathic capacity is also markedly diminished.
The unsuicidal state is a relief, characterized by easy access to creative flow and empathy.
Posted by Kath on March 27, 2009, at 18:53:24
In reply to does anyone remember feeling suicidal?? (trigger), posted by obsidian on March 24, 2009, at 22:36:50
I'm concerned not to have heard from you. I haven't had time to check around much to see if you're posting elsewhere.
luv ya, Kath
Posted by obsidian on March 27, 2009, at 23:02:27
In reply to Sid - please let us know how you are feeling. » obsidian, posted by Kath on March 27, 2009, at 18:53:24
I'm ok, just no time to post lately...will give proper replies soon
thanks,
sid
Posted by Poet on March 28, 2009, at 14:44:44
In reply to does anyone remember feeling suicidal?? (trigger), posted by obsidian on March 24, 2009, at 22:36:50
I do remember feeling suicidal, the last time I was seriously planning to do it was almost five years ago. How majorly suicidal I was is a memory, I still think about it, but the difference is that I am not planning to act on it. If I talk about suicide in therapy my T doesn't threaten to call 911 on me, she just calls it my back up plan and hopefully I won't need to use it.
Poet
Posted by desolationrower on March 28, 2009, at 19:33:43
In reply to Re: does anyone remember feeling suicidal?? (trigger), posted by Poet on March 28, 2009, at 14:44:44
for me when i felt that way it was stronger emotions about things, that all life patterns had meaning, so failure seemed engulfing. it just had an inevitability about it.
-d/r
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