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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by MusicLuv on February 27, 2009, at 12:57:34
Hi All,
I had a really REALLY rough night last night. I haven't talked too much about my problems but I have PTSD and flashbacks and to avoid that I get myself in to really bad situations.
So work was really stressful last night and I met up with a couple old friends after work. Took a couple of ativan (which is not prescribed for me) and proceeded to drink A LOT (which is unlike me). The combination of the two made me really out of it and I started feeling depersonalized, just watching what I was doing from the outside while I hit on my longtime (married) friend and started talking about things I shouldn't have been bringing up.
I almost passed out at the table, then decided it was time to drive home (I am usually the first to keep my friends from driving after thy drink). Friends tried to stop me but I thought I was fine. I called my T while walking to my car. She didn't answer. I left a message that I needed her, 'please call me' with no response. Driving was horrible. I was all over the place. Thank goodness I didn't get in an accident.
I got home, took muscle relaxers (also not prescribed for me)... 3 of them. Passed out for 14 hours. Woke up 3 hours after I was supposed to be at work. Still no word from T. I'm so embarrassed about my actions last night and I'm back in a place where I feel totally worthless. I want to just curl up in a ball and count how many prescription pills I can take until I fall asleep and can't remember anything anymore.
I don't know why I'm posting this really. I just hope someone will see it as what NOT to do. If you have a bad day, go home and write, or read, or work out.... that's what I SHOULD have done.
Sorry this is long. Thank you for letting me vent.
Bye,
MusicLuv
Posted by backseatdriver on February 27, 2009, at 13:25:47
In reply to not ok and T doesn't care, posted by MusicLuv on February 27, 2009, at 12:57:34
ML -
I don't have any insight to offer, or advice, but I just wanted to say that I am glad you posted here.
I hope you find the peace and healing you are looking for.
Yours,
BSD
Posted by Phillipa on February 27, 2009, at 14:07:44
In reply to not ok and T doesn't care, posted by MusicLuv on February 27, 2009, at 12:57:34
I do relate to the curling up in a ball and taking meds have been reisisting this. I'm so tired. I do wish I could work but put on Disability. So seriously I'm a bit envious but glad you posted words of wisdom. Phillipa
Posted by antigua3 on February 27, 2009, at 14:48:19
In reply to not ok and T doesn't care, posted by MusicLuv on February 27, 2009, at 12:57:34
Hi MusicLuv,
Please try not to beat yourself up over your behavior last night. It will only make you feel worse, and it's in the past now. Just try to learn from it and try to understand why you did it.
But don't beat yourself up. When I was younger (ha!) and did some of the things you described, it only served to confirm my view as a worthless human being, and send me into a cycle of self-disgust and self-loathing that I thought I was going to die.It took a lot of work, but for me, a lot of that kind of behavior was triggered by my therapy, and once I started making connections as to what was triggering me, I could slowly stop the behavior by learning healthier coping techniques.
So what's going on in therapy? And, call your T back. Sometimes they don't get the message, or need to be reminded that this is important and you need help.
I wish you the best. I'm sorry this turned out badly for you, but there is hope.
antigua
Posted by raisinb on February 27, 2009, at 14:49:13
In reply to not ok and T doesn't care, posted by MusicLuv on February 27, 2009, at 12:57:34
Not knowing a lot about your relationship with her, I can't offer a lot of insight, but it seems to me that she should have called you back. Have you heard from her yet?
Have you two discussed phone call policies? How does she usually respond when you call? Have you had other incidents like this, where she didn't respond?
Posted by MusicLuv on February 27, 2009, at 15:03:09
In reply to Re: not ok and T doesn't care, posted by antigua3 on February 27, 2009, at 14:48:19
Thank You Everyone,
I'm trying really hard but last night was very out of my character. I'm in a place right now where at some point it becomes more important to dull the pain than to care about my actions.
In Therapy we're talking about why I'm afraid to talk about the details of what happened to me, and starting to get into the deep stuff. Talking about it brings up flashbacks and I don't sleep well, which just makes the days hard and I am getting sick of the whole cycle.
I don't usually get suicidal, and when I do, I'm not the type to call and ask for help. If I'm really at that point, I feel no need to call someone who will try and stop me. I'm not quite there yet, but I feel it coming on.
I'm upset with my T. I very VERY rarely call her at all, and never in the middle of the night. She always says "you can call me anytime. my phone is always on". There have been a few times that she didn't answer and she called me right back, but not this time. An hour later I even texted her "I really needed you but I'm fine. Goodnight." I was sure she'd call today, but nothing. I'm not close to my family so she's as close as it gets, and it seems like she just doesn't care much. I really thought she did....
I don't know what else to say. I'm not totally sure I'll make it through this day.
Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to me and write such thoughtful words. I'm really grateful.
~ ML
Posted by FindingMyDesire on February 27, 2009, at 16:17:41
In reply to not ok and T doesn't care, posted by MusicLuv on February 27, 2009, at 12:57:34
Hi MusicLuv,
Last night I was in a very bad place and left a message for my T. I did not ask her to call me back. Then I hung up and wished I had. I don't know how your phone understandings work, but with mine - I need to say I want/need her to call me back or she won't. This allows me to set up a bad situation where I'm convinced she doesn't care about me - cause if she did she would *know* that I really need her to call me. Then I feel hurt (and angry) and sometimes even call her to tell her I'm OK so not to worry. For me, and I emphasize that this is my experience, it's simply not true. And therefore I short-change myself. I lose the opportunity for connection.It sounds like you are really in pain. Your T cares about you very, very much I'm positive. Please let her know (again) that you need her. I know you already did, but the text message does not let her know what you really need, right? And in a text message it seems like it would be hard to expect her to read between the lines, although I can TOTALLY understand why you would want her to.
Hope it's OK to be sharing my experience. I hope only that it makes you feel less alone. I'm relying on this board today to not feel so alone.
Not sure what time you posted, but I just entered a chat room if you are around. It's 2:15 PM Pacific time here... I'll be checking in and out for the next couple of hours.
FMD
Posted by MusicLuv on February 27, 2009, at 16:21:39
In reply to Re: not ok and T doesn't care, posted by FindingMyDesire on February 27, 2009, at 16:17:41
Hi Finding,
Your post really helped me. I don't know how to use chat rooms here, but I would love to talk to you more.
~ ML
Posted by FindingMyDesire on February 27, 2009, at 16:27:33
In reply to Re: not ok and T doesn't care » FindingMyDesire, posted by MusicLuv on February 27, 2009, at 16:21:39
> Hi Finding,
>
> Your post really helped me. I don't know how to use chat rooms here, but I would love to talk to you more.
>
> ~ MLML,
Scroll all the way to the top of the page and find the link for Babblechat. You will have to "register" but I think it's pretty easy if I remember - it just grabbed my regular login info. I think. Then you join a room. I'm in room 1. Let me know.
Posted by FindingMyDesire on February 27, 2009, at 17:12:28
In reply to Re: not ok and T doesn't care » FindingMyDesire, posted by MusicLuv on February 27, 2009, at 16:21:39
> Hi Finding,
>
> Your post really helped me. I don't know how to use chat rooms here, but I would love to talk to you more.
>
> ~ MLHi again,
Just checking in with you. Please keep posting here if you need to. :-)(((((((ML))))))))
Posted by MusicLuv on February 27, 2009, at 17:25:10
In reply to Re: not ok and T doesn't care, posted by FindingMyDesire on February 27, 2009, at 17:12:28
Finally figured out how to babble chat. At least this day has been semi-productive. Thank you for your thoughts everyone. I'm still going to go home and try to forget this day/week/life ever happened. But I do feel a little less alone.
Thank You
ML
Posted by MusicLuv on February 27, 2009, at 17:28:35
In reply to Re: not ok and T doesn't care » MusicLuv, posted by Phillipa on February 27, 2009, at 14:07:44
Hi Phillipa,
I'm very glad you can relate. I don't sleep on my own at all anymore. I tried seroquel and hated it so i refuse to take it, and I medicate myself now, which I'm sure is not a good idea. If you curl up into a ball, please know that you won't be alone.
~ ML
Posted by MusicLuv on February 27, 2009, at 17:30:56
In reply to Re: not ok and T doesn't care, posted by MusicLuv on February 27, 2009, at 17:28:35
Posted by MusicLuv on February 27, 2009, at 17:36:12
In reply to Re: not ok and T doesn't care, posted by MusicLuv on February 27, 2009, at 17:28:35
Thanks everyone. I just can't do this anymore. I'm done. Bye.
Posted by FindingMyDesire on February 27, 2009, at 17:39:41
In reply to Re: not ok and T doesn't care, posted by MusicLuv on February 27, 2009, at 17:36:12
I'm thinking of you. Please come back and post, OK?
Posted by Phillipa on February 27, 2009, at 20:14:43
In reply to Re: not ok and T doesn't care, posted by MusicLuv on February 27, 2009, at 17:36:12
MusicLuv if I can do it you can too. Please babblemail me. See my name in blue? click on my name and a message board appears . Write me a personal message no one but us will see it then go to the bottm and click send. Will be looking for it. Love Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on February 28, 2009, at 13:00:37
In reply to not ok and T doesn't care, posted by MusicLuv on February 27, 2009, at 12:57:34
I'm hoping MusicLuv continues posting as she's contacted me and she's alive but needs lots of support from others and help. Just thought I'd update. Love Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on March 1, 2009, at 23:40:42
In reply to Re: Update, posted by Phillipa on February 28, 2009, at 13:00:37
Musicluv could you write me? I'm worried haven't heard from you today. Love Phillipa
Posted by MusicLuv on March 2, 2009, at 2:05:14
In reply to Re:MusicLuv, posted by Phillipa on March 1, 2009, at 23:40:42
just saw everyone's messages. so thoughtful. it's not the other night that's the problem. it's this life. no sleep, flashbacks all the time. i know i haven't shared enough with u, with anyone. i think guys understand therapy girl, rsk, seldom, phillipa, Finding, raisinb, antigua, backseat, i'm not as strong as you. thank you for everything. i can't handle it anymore. i don't have the energy anymore. i'm sorry. thank you for trying so hard. i'm sorry.
Posted by BayLeaf on March 2, 2009, at 6:25:19
In reply to for everyone. i'm sorry, posted by MusicLuv on March 2, 2009, at 2:05:14
All those people you named care about you, and need you. Your experience with sadness and depression and pain could help one of them one day. Stick around please. We all need you here. You are part of the Babble flock.
Bay
Posted by antigua3 on March 2, 2009, at 7:17:45
In reply to for everyone. i'm sorry, posted by MusicLuv on March 2, 2009, at 2:05:14
I'm really sorry that you're still feeling so badly. I didn't mean to assume that you're stronger than you're feeling, but sometimes if we (I) reach just a little deeper, I find that the strength is there, especially when I don't think I can handle this one more second. So I just try to get through, second by second.
My main though to you, besides just holding on second by second, is that there is help available for all this. So many of us have been through this, so lean on us.
It's the depression talking, but I know that doesn't make it easier when you're stuck in the middle of it. You need to contact your T again if you feel like you can't make it. Or go to the hospital.
You are too important a person to let this defeat you. Look at your name, MusicLuv. I assume that means you love music, so can you hold on to your music?
Try to do some things, even very tiny little ones, to give you strength. And if you can't, reach out IRL. You don't have to feel this way, and I promise you, you won't always feel this way. You've been triggered terribly, but there is a way out IRL.
Call your T today, or go to the hospital. You don't have to be alone with this. It feels so horrible now, but getting some outside perspective will help a lot.
Please take care. And post if you need to. You're new, but that doesn't mean anyone here cares any less about you. We've been through it and we want to help.
antigua
Posted by Phillipa on March 2, 2009, at 18:57:24
In reply to Re:MusicLuv, posted by Phillipa on March 1, 2009, at 23:40:42
Short note from our sweet Music luv said sorry can't do it. Anyone know how to get her? Love Phillipa
This is the end of the thread.
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