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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Partlycloudy on November 11, 2008, at 15:55:27
Waiting for my medication changes to take hold.... :-(
I put the CSA book aside for now.
Enjoyed what the yoga class could give me.
Am grasping for whatever sleep I can get - Ambien CR might work if it could overcome my anxieties - but they are just about 24-hour. I've timed it now so I take my last dose of Xanax of the day at my bedtime, which seems to relax me enough to GET to sleep. And I'm using my guided meditation CDs to help me get there - haven't failed me yet. Sometimes, though, I seem to be in some kind of no-where-land, not quite asleep, and too tired to keep my eyes open. Exhausted yet not able to lose consciousness. It affects my every function of living, this not sleeping properly.The anxiety is still at a peak, I've never experienced anything like this since I was a teen. Xanax doesn't seem to be making much of a dent in it, and I'm just trying to ride this through.
Still quite miserable. Glad I'm not working through the CSA book, but now I feel kind of stranded in this no man's lands of paralyzing fear and anxiety. Nothing to pull me out of it nor push me... I mostly quake. There's nobody there to "get" me, yet that's what my body is ready and waiting for. This totally sucks.
Posted by Dinah on November 11, 2008, at 17:37:40
In reply to Still all out of sorts, posted by Partlycloudy on November 11, 2008, at 15:55:27
Ok, I realize that this will be from the pragmatic the part of me that I realize is not always overly helpful.
But it seems to me, from my own experiences, that this is a time when medication may be more helpful than anything psychological could be. Once the overarousal begins, it builds on itself and starts to spiral out of control. Medication can stop that cycle, for me, at least to some extent.
I feel dreadfully unhelpful, and I know it probably sounds unempathetic. Or maybe overly empathetic because I'm thinking of it in terms of what helps me. I'm sorry I can't be of more help than that.
I hope you start to feel better soon.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 11, 2008, at 19:29:44
In reply to Re: Still all out of sorts, posted by Dinah on November 11, 2008, at 17:37:40
Hi Darling Cloudy,
I hear the desperation in your voice, and I hope that you don't feel as bad as you sound like you do. :(I wish that there were some way to find relief. Are you mobilizing all your aromatherapeutic resoures? sniff sniff.
I dunno what to say, but I'm so sorry you are in pain. This is just so unfair. I'm really proud of you that you are staying sober through this. If you can stay sober through this crisis, you can probably do anything you put your mind to. Well, maybe you won't be able to find the end of the rainbow. I digress...
I'm sending you the vibes of a novocained jaw on antibiotics (2nd round of broad spectrums) and vicodin. Well, those are some funky vibes, but they are full of deep warm hearted feelings.
Coming your way soon--- Llurpsie's narcotic vibes ~~~~~~
I'm with Dinah on this one-- medication in crises can help us maintain the progress that we make during calmer times. Hang in there cloudy, it's going to be okay
-Ll
Posted by rskontos on November 11, 2008, at 21:44:09
In reply to Still all out of sorts, posted by Partlycloudy on November 11, 2008, at 15:55:27
I am so sorry PC,
I wish I had more to say to help but
I am at the bottom of my barrel too.
I do know that anxiety and fear.
I flooded myself not too long ago and felt just like you
do. I finally got through it only to be going through phase II.
I hope you get some relief. I wish I had more to offer.
(((((((((PartlyCloudy))))))))
rsk
Posted by Wittgensteinz on November 12, 2008, at 11:35:11
In reply to Re: Still all out of sorts » Partlycloudy, posted by rskontos on November 11, 2008, at 21:44:09
(((((PC))))) and (((((Rskontos)))))
I'm so sorry you are going through what you are. I went through a period of about 2 or 3 months of something that seems similar (this was before I came to babble) - insomnia, overwhelming anxiety, sensory overload - in that period I actually put up a tent in my living room (!!) with a duvet thrown over it to block out any light. Inside the tent I had all nice soft things. When I was in too much pain, and it was really unbearable psychic pain, I would crawl into the tent and wrap myself up as tight as possible. Now you probably think I am completely crazy! But this creating a safe place, a place where you don't have to be confronted by all your senses screaming at you, this really helped me in any case. It was a time when all my wounds had been opened up and I couldn't take it - all these things I had not thought about or recalled once since they had happened, suddenly were dancing a show in front of me in vivid detail - the vividness and the speed at which my mind was going - it was inescapable and terrifying. This did go over in time (and I know you both face different wounds) but it did pass - gradually its intensity lessened - the feelings would come in waves of pain and each time would subside that little bit sooner. In the midst of it, it was unbearable - I tried many things - a bath before bed, following a ritual of sorts to wind down before trying to sleep (I would walk out into the middle of a dark field and be alone for a little while, listening to the sounds of the night, feel the wind on my face) - giving myself space and trying to clear my thoughts - I also took Lorazopan, which helped but was only for short-term use. The days seemed to blur into one at that point. Finally, I slept in my own bed, separate from my partner during this time - might seem a bit anti-social but it did help me to (try to) get a good night's sleep, and it also meant I didn't feel guilty if I got up in the night. I remember at the time thinking to myself that this pain was something that one could not possibly understand unless one had experienced it - it was inconceivable to me until I was going through it.
I really feel for you both and want you to know that you are in my thoughts. I hope this difficult time begins to pass, so you can start to heal. You are both incredibly strong people in my eyes - I hope you can find peace.
Witti
Posted by lucie lu on November 12, 2008, at 19:42:58
In reply to Still all out of sorts, posted by Partlycloudy on November 11, 2008, at 15:55:27
PC,That sounds so awful. I'm so sorry you are going through such a rough time. I can add little to what the others have said except to suggest that getting some good sleep has to be a high priority. You said it, poor sleep affects absolutely everything, and mood especially. Do you have a good pdoc or pcp who can help you with this?
(((((((PC))))))))
Lucie
Posted by Partlycloudy on November 12, 2008, at 22:59:26
In reply to Re: Still all out of sorts » Partlycloudy, posted by lucie lu on November 12, 2008, at 19:42:58
I'm the same person I was before I remembered all this trauma - I just have all this added flavor, ha ha ha. It does seem to put some of the puzzle (of me) pieces in place - like I don't have to put my substance addiction ALL on genetics, now I can pin some of it on what happened to me, like a bonus. Guess I'm doing the gallows humour thing tonight.
Really, I'm trying to get to that place where I'm OK with what happened. I can see a couple of routes to perhaps take me there. For instance, I'm a bit sketchy on the family history around that time. (I remember that my mom had started to work full time, and that my dad had started his own business, and that we were kind of suddenly rather poor. Also that I had lost any kind of continuity, school wise, because of us moving, and my siblings and I all ended up in different schools (there are four of us)!!! Now that's pretty incredible.)
So I think that instead of asking questions relating to the trauma itself, I can do some fill in the blank stuff quite safely with my mom and maybe my sister by asking about what our family was doing at that time - it will help to flesh out the general period for me.
I know that I'm finding my own path to healing. It may not be a straight line. It may stop for a bit while I catch my breath or let my body tell me in its own way exactly what it needs - my job is to listen to it. The sleeping thing is part of that. I'm in a state of flux right now - not yet at the therapeutic dosages of the new medications, and I'm feeling the lack of the one I've had to stop. My sleep is kind of spotty. So some nights I may not sleep as well as others - I don't think I'm going to do any more fiddling until the meds are where they are supposed to be, and then I'll see how I'm doing.
Heck, I waited 35 years for all this stuff to surface at all - I think I can do a little bit longer to find my peace. At least I still have my hope, and my faith.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 13, 2008, at 7:31:51
In reply to Just waiting for meds to kick in, posted by Partlycloudy on November 12, 2008, at 22:59:26
((((((((((((((PartlyCloud))))))))))))))
You are such an inspiration. ---now! before you get all dismissive and such, I am truly being sincere. You have amazing strength and perspective, and a big heart. Sometimes, even, you can love yourself, which is AMAZING given things that happened to you. Okay, maybe you don't see quite how you're loving yourself, but the truth is that you are giving yourself space, time, and making a plan to go forward, and using opportunities to heal yourself. These are all things that a loved one would do for us, ergo you have love for yourself.
I am so proud of you.
Having said that, I wanted to leave you an opening for further posts, should you feel utterly hopeless in the future, please share THAT with us too, instead of shame of not being able to maintain the attitude of yesterday evening.
One things I was thinking about the other day-- I was thinking about YOU, and it was a lovely sunrise and I was driving along the interstate. I love to watch the clouds in the morning. Clear skies are very nice, but partly cloudy has infinitely more variations of beauty
-Ll
Posted by antigua3 on November 13, 2008, at 9:58:32
In reply to Just waiting for meds to kick in, posted by Partlycloudy on November 12, 2008, at 22:59:26
I'm glad you still have your hope and your faith to help you through this tough time.
antigua
Posted by Phillipa on November 13, 2008, at 13:24:26
In reply to Re: Just waiting for meds to kick in » Partlycloudy, posted by antigua3 on November 13, 2008, at 9:58:32
No sleep is misery and not thinking staight for me at least. Hope your sleep improves. Love Phillipa
Posted by gardenergirl on November 13, 2008, at 13:39:24
In reply to Just waiting for meds to kick in, posted by Partlycloudy on November 12, 2008, at 22:59:26
You certainly are the same person. That was certainly a strong flavor to add. I hear a great deal of strength in your words. I think this stuff comes when it's supposed to, and/or when we are more ready than other times, maybe.
We're here with you while you work and wait, listen and learn, heal.
Love,
gg
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 14, 2008, at 9:53:16
In reply to Re: Just waiting for meds to kick in » Partlycloudy, posted by gardenergirl on November 13, 2008, at 13:39:24
Hey Partly,
How are you today?
Just thinking about you...sticky hugs,
llurps
Posted by Partlycloudy on November 14, 2008, at 10:14:30
In reply to Re: Just waiting for meds to kick in, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 14, 2008, at 9:53:16
> Hey Partly,
> How are you today?
> Just thinking about you...
>
> sticky hugs,
> llurpsOne of my medications went up to therapeutic dosage today - is that a celebration? (It's the one for migraines.)
Last night in my women's support group I thanked them for being the safe place for me to break down and feel wounded in; that every woman should have such a place.
My T gave me a little book of Thoreau - she seems to think I could explore writing further. I'm afraid of holding my words up to any scrutiny.I'm doing some reading and continuing to law rather low. Making many cups of tea. Today I baked a pumpkin pie from scratch - took me all week to build up to doing it. So I'm kind of lurching along, but trying not to beat myself for not being a cloudless sky.
pc
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 16, 2008, at 8:07:38
In reply to Re: Just waiting for meds to kick in » llurpsienoodle, posted by Partlycloudy on November 14, 2008, at 10:14:30
> > Hey Partly,
> > How are you today?
> > Just thinking about you...
> >
> > sticky hugs,
> > llurps
>
> One of my medications went up to therapeutic dosage today - is that a celebration? (It's the one for migraines.)
> Last night in my women's support group I thanked them for being the safe place for me to break down and feel wounded in; that every woman should have such a place.
> My T gave me a little book of Thoreau - she seems to think I could explore writing further. I'm afraid of holding my words up to any scrutiny.
>
> I'm doing some reading and continuing to law rather low. Making many cups of tea. Today I baked a pumpkin pie from scratch - took me all week to build up to doing it. So I'm kind of lurching along, but trying not to beat myself for not being a cloudless sky.
>
> pc
>
>I'll bring the whipped cream (yeah, the real stuff!) if you'll let me share the pie with you :)
I'm glad you've got a safe place right now. It's wonderful to have a support group to be there during this time in your life.
Tea is good! yum! any favorites right now? The last cup I had was herbal-- apple cinnamon. Tasted like spiced cider, a bit.
I hope today brings you some glowing moments,
-Ll
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