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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Wittgensteinz on November 9, 2008, at 16:19:29
The last week, there have been a number of threads that have drawn me in but which I have had to let go by because things were too busy to post.
My mother was here until yesterday and I held it together just fine but now... my head is such a mess! It's almost like I am drunk (and I don't drink). I feel exhausted, hurting, confused. I can't concentrate and my eyes don't seem to be working, sigh. I start a course tomorrow, which I am a little nervous about - actually I can't even think about it.
Why am I such a mess? I wrote something short a few days ago about the rupture between T and I - well things are moving on but there's not repair taking place. I can't help but feel this is really not a good thing. Things won't just 'disappear' - I can let them sink and try to forget about them but then I'd be doing myself and him a dishonesty. How can therapy proceed if this is how things are? I'm in a rather fatalistic mood right now - if feels like there is only one outcome at this rate - how to avoid it? Why won't my T see that a repair is so desperately needed. He just seems to say something that makes things worse whenever the topic enters the room, or I see him trying to push things onto something else. This is not how he usually operates. I feel in panic.
I'm sorry to write such an odd post - I don't even have the energy to read it back. The last few weeks have been too painful for me and there's no remorse. It's exhausting, and being in pain and having to hide it is even more exhausting. I don't think I've ever spent such an intense time with my mother, and that has brought up all manner of feelings - predominantly guilt at how I was counting the days, hours until she left.
Confused and lost :(,
Witti
Posted by rskontos on November 9, 2008, at 17:05:14
In reply to Messy head, posted by Wittgensteinz on November 9, 2008, at 16:19:29
Witti,
I know how bad things were with your mom and so I don't think it is at all bad that you counted the hours until she was gone. It would hard to have a good relationship with her after all that transpired. Unless she has admitted to all of that which she did? I don't think that is the case. So no wonder your head is a mess. My father messed with mine as well so I know how hard it is. It is like a dual role that of adult/child all at the same time while appearing ok. Too hard, too stressful.
The deal with your t. I suspect that you must try and let him know just what the rupture meant to you, and still means to you.
And what you believe the "outcome" to be.I think he is projecting onto you the responsibility of you to not do something he doesn't want the responsibility of. And I feel that is just too much. If for some reason, he has feelings of inadeqency, too tired to look up spelling so forgive me, then he needs to seek professional help himself and not to put the burden on you to follow a contract.
Again, I think he is just not answering your needs at this fragile time for you.
Please be safe. If necessary do as your p-doc suggested and give yourself a break from all that is just not working at the moment.
You are a mess only because the avenues of safety have been breached. Your T is not feeling so safe right now and you had to deal with the one that made you not feel safe in the first place, your mom. So go easy on yourself.
rsk
Posted by Dinah on November 9, 2008, at 20:46:26
In reply to Messy head, posted by Wittgensteinz on November 9, 2008, at 16:19:29
It's amazing what close contact with our parents can do to us. Don't feel guilty about counting the moments. If you behaved reasonably well, your thoughts won't harm your mother.
I'm sorry about your therapist. What you described really does seem like an ongoing problem between you, and I can understand your feelings. I hope he's able to get past his reaction and is again able to fully be there for you in the way he was before. I don't suppose he'd be open to seeking a consultation or supervision?
Posted by Nadezda on November 9, 2008, at 23:53:50
In reply to Messy head, posted by Wittgensteinz on November 9, 2008, at 16:19:29
There's no knowing when it will happen--and probably has been complicated by your mother's presence--but there's reason to believe you can heal the rupture with your T. But even if you can't-- even if it remains a bad memory, even one that stays a bone of contention with your T, whenever it comes up, it doesn't portend the end of things with him. I have some bad interactions and misunderstandings with my T that still create tension between us-- because intensity of the disagreement on the issue causes a real turbulence between us when it enters the room-- But they've just sunk as you say out of sight-- and really don't count for much in the long history of things.
Sometimes two people just come at something from such different needs and feelings that there's no coming to resolution. It's not a good thing-- and it's much better to be able to work things through to better feelings about the confrontation itself. But the inability to do it doesn't cause a breakdown, and isn't inevitably a harbinger of more and more such events. They can be extremely rare, or even singular, moments, in a relationship where a great deal of harmony and growth dominate.
Just try to stick with things through the sense of dread. Your fatalism and loss of a sense of the potiential ongoing of things may be a reaction to your mother's visit and all the destabilizing and self-accusatory emotions it stirs up. Plus the new course, especially given your pdoc's quite unnecessary and unhelpful admonitions--So try to remember that this is just a difficult time, but one that may pass.
There's just a lot going on now-- and of course you're going to feel under strain and exhausted. But the oppressiveness will lift-- and you'll feel freer and may be even excited at your new course-- and the new challenges it offers. And I do think you'll get through this with your T. Maybe it is better not to discuss the rupture for a while, so other, better things can begin to displace it. Perhaps then with distance, you can revisit it-- and you'll come to it with a new understanding or a renewed spirit.
I very much hope so.
Nadezda
Posted by muffled on November 10, 2008, at 17:25:17
In reply to Messy head, posted by Wittgensteinz on November 9, 2008, at 16:19:29
Witti, hope you can settle some soon.
Best wishes.
Muffled
Posted by lucie lu on November 11, 2008, at 10:14:00
In reply to Messy head, posted by Wittgensteinz on November 9, 2008, at 16:19:29
Witti,
Given what you have said about your mother, I am really impressed that you tolerated her at all! Many people in your situation would not even have bothered. IMO it was a monumental emotional job and you are certainly forgiven for counting the hours and minutes. Who wouldn't, if they, like Atlas, were carrying the world on their shoulders? Of course you'd want to put it down.
Rest and relax, Witti, and be very, very kind to yourself. You have done a good thing and deserve to be rewarded and cared for.
Take care,
Lucie
Posted by maysie on November 16, 2008, at 0:33:51
In reply to Re: Messy head » Wittgensteinz, posted by lucie lu on November 11, 2008, at 10:14:00
Witti,
I'm so new here, but I have tried to make sure I read your posts regarding the fracture with your T. I find your ability to keep going inspiring, I do mean that in the most serious way. I don't know how you will chose to resolve things with your T, but to me there is something very significant about your p-doc commenting about your T. I know drs often use that language as code for a repeat problem with that T. At any rate, I hold you in my thoughts, late as I am on this thread. Peace and hope towards you
Posted by Wittgensteinz on November 19, 2008, at 9:22:50
In reply to Re: Messy head, posted by maysie on November 16, 2008, at 0:33:51
Thank you Maysie and thank you to the others too.
These comments have really helped me.
I am at peace again with my T - there was no resolving but a moving on - probably we (I) will return to this at another point but at the moment this will have to do.
No one is perfect - my T included - I want him to be perfect (for me at least) - that would be ideal. My needs as a patient fluctuate - he also changes of course depending on what is going on in his life, that is inevitable. Sometimes these things just clash. It's not that nice accepting something that you don't really feel content with, but realise is just part of the package - I don't want to send the whole package back as I'd be more than a bit lost! There's a lot that I like very much about him, that is just right for me - what I need - and that's enough. This illuminates my problem of having too high expectations both of myself and of those around me - being good enough - I have to learn to be 'good enough'. My partner once described my T as a 'cold rubber duck' (sometimes he conjures up some interesting English) and I pledged to myself that if ever T is so cold to me again, I will call him just that! It will at least make me laugh.
I have to admit that sometimes I feel a tinge of jealousy when reading about other peoples' Ts - they seem more empathic, more caring, and I can imagine it might feel more comfortable and safe to be with them - now I feel like a traitor! - but again I think this is something of my pathology - looking elsewhere and seeing an idealised picture. Perhaps in truth, most of us would want something more or something slightly different if we had the power to bring it about, but in the mean time good enough is good enough.
Welcome to babble Maysie! I hope you find it helpful here.
Witti
This is the end of the thread.
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