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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on September 13, 2008, at 11:01:12
The last handful of sessions I've had a lot of things PLANNED to say, but never got up the gumption to say them. Things like how truly grateful I was to my therapist for his constant benevolence through my dark days.
About the struggles I am facing right now, with my attention pulled in about a zillion different directions. I did manage to tell him how my thoughts are racing, and I cannot fall asleep without wondering "did I do that correctly? did I make a mistake? what if I hadn't noticed that car cut me off?" etc.
He asked me obliquely how my mental landscape is. I told him 'dark'. When the sun goes down. It's true, that's when I have the hardest time keeping myself together.
I have this 'survival self' (aha!!! I learned that in one of my readings today!) that poses as a very competent, almost confident young woman. Ready to take on any intellectual debate, as long as I KNOW I will come out on top.
I even know the source of it-- the climate of rugged intellectual rants and harangues that plagued any family interaction (until I got my own family, that is). Where heated emotions were transduced and disguised as cold, nonnegotiable facts. Where hurtful statements could be thrown back and forth as the darts of 'objective truth'.
And I find myself playing the same game with my T. I am resistent to his gentle probes "can you give me an example? [no, with my arms crossed]". "tell me more about that...[no, I don't want to, with my arms crossed".
The closer he gets to the truth, the more I back away, in horror of some decompensation. I greatly fear falling apart. I am terrified of it.
As we wrapped up our session yesterday, he mentioned off hand about people who throw themselves off of subway platforms. I got a guilty look on my face. He was quite astonished that I had had such thoughts. He said, with some of the most transparent, sincere empathy I've ever heard from him "Gosh Llurpsie, I'm so sorry that you were feeling so badly".
I tried to explain to him-- in a sea of self-loathing, it's an easy thing to do, a moment of impulse. I've had to stop myself many times by hiding in the vestibule of the station until my train showed up.
He caught on to the self-loathing part. "we should talk about that next time-- you can tell me about this stuff, you know, and about feeling like you want to kill yourself. These are things that I'd like to hear more about". "oh, the self-loathing is not just an episode, it's pretty much the status quo"
I basically made a run for the door and spent the next few hours crying. I don't know how long I'd been "stuffing" the wounded emotions behind the survival self of intellectual confidence. But it was raw, and ready to come out. I couldn't believe the caring that I heard in his voice. After so many discussions of abstract stuff, there was a real, human T under there. I had been neglecting him, shutting him out.
I think I may be ready to let him back in. Should I call his voicemail and ask for an extra session?
-Ll
Posted by lucie lu on September 13, 2008, at 11:12:57
In reply to should I ask for an extra session?, posted by llurpsienoodle on September 13, 2008, at 11:01:12
Posted by JayMac on September 13, 2008, at 11:21:24
In reply to should I ask for an extra session?, posted by llurpsienoodle on September 13, 2008, at 11:01:12
I highly suggest you call and ask him for an extra session. =) That's great that you realize the various dynamics going on. You are very insightful!
Jay
Posted by Phillipa on September 13, 2008, at 12:28:48
In reply to Re: should I ask for an extra session?, posted by JayMac on September 13, 2008, at 11:21:24
Li yes an extra session. Sounds like the dreams I had when working when couldn't find my patients and all their meds were late. Dreams of high anxiety. Be careful of all the stress of school and know your limitations you have come so far. Phillipa
Posted by muffled on September 13, 2008, at 14:05:50
In reply to should I ask for an extra session?, posted by llurpsienoodle on September 13, 2008, at 11:01:12
and i sure as sh*t do not loath you
you ok
hope you can come to understand that
m
Posted by seldomseen on September 13, 2008, at 15:01:35
In reply to should I ask for an extra session?, posted by llurpsienoodle on September 13, 2008, at 11:01:12
Posted by rskontos on September 13, 2008, at 16:05:08
In reply to should I ask for an extra session?, posted by llurpsienoodle on September 13, 2008, at 11:01:12
Definitely ask for another session. And dear LL I sure wished you saw yourself as we do :)
I know how hard it is to see yourself as you look deeply at yourself and only find the stuff you can hate.
And your post also made me think about what I never tell my T. Oh I attempt like you did and then pull back and run. Why oh why do we do this.
But try hard not to hate yourself.
And I am sorry your thoughts are so dark.
Those I understand too.
Here is to the dark lifting soon.
rsk
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 13, 2008, at 16:05:52
In reply to should I ask for an extra session?, posted by llurpsienoodle on September 13, 2008, at 11:01:12
Yes, please, LlurpsieNoodle. You now recognize your coping mechanisms AND you have a T who's becoming more sensitive to your darkness, even as you profess to hide it well. (I did a drop and dash this week too :-( )
We deserve to take the good care of ourselves that our T's allow us to do.pc
Posted by rskontos on September 13, 2008, at 16:16:38
In reply to Re: should I ask for an extra session? » llurpsienoodle, posted by Partlycloudy on September 13, 2008, at 16:05:52
Yes that was what I was trying to say a Drop and Dash like Poet called it so well in an earlier thread. And now I am dreading the next session and trying to explain it when I have no explanation.
I regret the Drop and Dash, but I suspect that is often the case.
Did you?And Ll I believe you are getting some insight into your coping mechanisms too. I guess hiding the darkness from T's isn't a good thing though is it? But then you were opening up to your T in your own way weren't you?
rsk
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 13, 2008, at 18:10:21
In reply to Re: should I ask for an extra session?pc » Partlycloudy, posted by rskontos on September 13, 2008, at 16:16:38
> Yes that was what I was trying to say a Drop and Dash like Poet called it so well in an earlier thread. And now I am dreading the next session and trying to explain it when I have no explanation.
>
> I regret the Drop and Dash, but I suspect that is often the case.
> Did you?
>I don't regret dropping what I did (which was about how I'm isolating so well again) but I'm not looking forward to talking about it. It is SO hard for me to leave my house these days. My refrigerator is empty. Most nights my husband is on his own to figure out what he's going to eat for dinner - I can't be bothered. It's an issue that's ongoing.
> And Ll I believe you are getting some insight into your coping mechanisms too. I guess hiding the darkness from T's isn't a good thing though is it? But then you were opening up to your T in your own way weren't you?
>
> rsk
Posted by JoniS on September 14, 2008, at 9:55:00
In reply to should I ask for an extra session?, posted by llurpsienoodle on September 13, 2008, at 11:01:12
Go for it! Sieze the opportunity when those times come where we see how we've been closed up and we are ready to open and trust - they only come avery now and then, so open up - get all the time with your T that you need! good for you that you are taking care of llurpsie.
Best to you!
Joni
Posted by llurpsienoodle on September 14, 2008, at 10:27:32
In reply to Re: should I ask for an extra session? » llurpsienoodle, posted by JoniS on September 14, 2008, at 9:55:00
I called, really hoping to get his voicemail. Instead he picked up. I asked him plainly if I could schedule another appt. for early next week. He said sure, we agreed on a time. Then he asked "has anything happened?"
I said "oh, just muddling through"
Then I took another clonazepam and slept the rest of the afternoon.
I really hope that I'll be able to say what I've been having trouble saying. The great thing about my T (the thing that I admire most) is how I can give him a shred of an idea, and he'll help me fill in the blanks. But only if I participate. He doesn't leave me hanging. No awkward silences. (((((T)))))
wish me luck...
_ll
Posted by DAisym on September 14, 2008, at 16:20:09
In reply to now I regret this!, posted by llurpsienoodle on September 14, 2008, at 10:27:32
I think talking about suicidal feelings is very hard and yet very necessary. Especially because your therapist is going to need to ask all the basic questions - which you already know - and yet they are incredibly hard to answer truthfully.
"Do you have a plan? Any intent to act on your plan? Would you call me first? Where would you do it? Have you written notes to anyone?" Ug - The one that always gets a face from me is: "Why haven't didn't you?" We talk a lot about impulses and the desire to kill off the pain or the little pieces that are remembering. Perhaps it isn't all of you that is wishing to end the struggle but instead just a part or few parts.
We keep having the same conversation:
"I'm can't call your voice mail and use the word suicidal."
"Yes, you can. You must."
"No, I can't. It is dramatic and stupid. It feels like crying wolf because I never actually do it."
"Is it possible that you don't because we talk about it and that keeps it from getting out of hand?"
"Maybe...doesn't mean I don't feel stupid about these feelings."
"Better stupid, than dead. I know you are mad at me for wanting you to talk about these feelings, but you must. I can take you being mad at me."And on and on.
I'm sorry you find yourself with these feelings. But I think you will find that being as honest as you can be about how you feel, beyond your survival self, will make you feel a lot closer to your therapist. It might feel a bit worse as you open it up and look at it, but it then will ease off.
Keep you appointment. It sounds so important.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on September 14, 2008, at 17:01:21
In reply to now I regret this!, posted by llurpsienoodle on September 14, 2008, at 10:27:32
you guys are so supportive and understanding. I'm not in a situation where I can answer you all personally, but I wanted to acknowledge how much I appreciate your kindness of replying to my post.
I'll let you know how things go...
kitty hugs,
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on September 15, 2008, at 18:02:29
In reply to should I ask for an extra session?, posted by llurpsienoodle on September 13, 2008, at 11:01:12
I told him about my feelings of worthlessness. We discussed how it was a gross distortion, my feeling like a disgusting person. My inflated superego that comes crashing down on my poor innocent ego.
He asked me to think of three things that are absolutely disgusting about myself. Then we discussed them.
1) I'm unattractive. Well, I don't look like I've been in a terrible accident, but whatever... T actually said at one point-- who do you WANT to look like? I'm not particularly enamoured with anyone right now. I said "a donkey with lipstick" that was funny. I think he said that I look really nice when I get dressed up (he's seen me "pre-job interview" twice now). I think (ugh) he even said that he thinks I'm attractive. etc etc etc. We weren't getting anywhere, but at least he made me see that I not hideous
2) I feel awkward in social situations, like an outsider. Discussed how I am likeable. I told him that the "likeability" was an act. He vehemently disagreed, challenging my superego to a duel. That my social self is an integral part of me, and that my disgust for myself was just a delusion. I remarked that I feel like an elephant. "but you're NOT an elephant" but I feel like an elephant. He said "well that's okay-- you feel like an elephant, but also remember that you're NOT an elephant!
(I love elephants, btw)
3. I couldn't think of a third one, because I'd already been sitting there for 55 minutes.
he remarked on the way out the door. "glad we got you all fixed up-- when I see you Friday you'll be a brand new Llurpsie with brand-new self-esteem". I rolled my eyes, smiled and thanked him
okay, end of saga.
Posted by Phillipa on September 15, 2008, at 20:21:33
In reply to Okay, It wasn't so bad..., posted by llurpsienoodle on September 15, 2008, at 18:02:29
Sounds like it went well. I guess self-esteem looms so large for so many of us. And looks are important to most people. These are my feeling. Yes you have new thoughts. love Phillipa
This is the end of the thread.
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