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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by stellabystarlight on September 10, 2008, at 12:55:10
Hi Everyone,
What do you think is the difference between "I care about you" and "I care for you"? Is there any difference?
My therapist used to say that he cares about me, but that he couldn't care for me. This was in response to my indirectly testing him to find out if he had any feelings for me when I was experiencing intense transference.
Now he says he cares about me and cares for me; making it very clear that we'd never end up together. He also says he likes me and would be very hurt if I were to die(in response to my direct questions).
I do feel good knowing that his feelings have grown for me as a client/person, as my feelings have genuinely grown for him...but I'm a little confused about this.
I'll ask him for clarification someday, but I thought I'd get your take on this. I learn so much from all of you articulate and insightful babblers.
Thanks.
Posted by lucie lu on September 10, 2008, at 13:12:51
In reply to What's the diff. between 'care for' + 'care about', posted by stellabystarlight on September 10, 2008, at 12:55:10
Ahhh, yes, those nuances. T-speak.
I always thought "care about" was in the caregiving, altruistic sort of sense. Like "I care about you, and your life, and what happens to you."
And "care for" is more related to personal attachment, i.e. to you.
It's nice to have both from your T :)
"You matter to me" is somewhere in between.
Lucie
Posted by stellabystarlight on September 10, 2008, at 13:40:05
In reply to Re: What's the diff. between 'care for' + 'care about', posted by lucie lu on September 10, 2008, at 13:12:51
Hi Lucie,
Yes, those T-speak nuances! Seems I and probably a lot of others examine every word our therapists utter under a microscope. LOL.
What is it about therapy that gives me such an urge to know his true feelings about me. It's so darn one sided! I have to admit I am a little embarrassed to ask what seems to be a trivial question, but it feels like a puzzle I'm trying to figure out.
Thanks for responding and clarifying. BTW, I've read your above "IMHO" post, and I appreciate your sensitivity. I have felt some of the things you mentioned...
I'm fairly new on babble, and it's comforting to know that there's so many caring people here like yourself.
Cheers,
stellabystarlight
Posted by lucie lu on September 10, 2008, at 14:11:55
In reply to Re: What's the diff. between 'care for' + 'care about' » lucie lu, posted by stellabystarlight on September 10, 2008, at 13:40:05
> Yes, those T-speak nuances! Seems I and probably a lot of others examine every word our therapists utter under a microscope. LOL.
Tell me about it.
> What is it about therapy that gives me such an urge to know his true feelings about me. It's so darn one sided! I have to admit I am a little embarrassed to ask what seems to be a trivial question, but it feels like a puzzle I'm trying to figure out.After 6 years I'm still trying to really pin it down myself. Transference is the first thing we think of, right? We weren't loved as we needed as children and now we have a second chance and we're desperate to make it this time? But then there's also self-worth... if someone knows us as well as our T's do, and still care for us, how bad can we be? They've seen us cry, puffy eyes, make-up smeared; we say mean or stupid things; act childishly ... in other words, we are ourselves and they don't flee in disgust. It's the Sally Field thing, "You like me! You really like me!" Poor Sally will go down in history for that but I for one was almost undone by her complete and touching honesty on that podium.
> Thanks for responding and clarifying. BTW, I've read your above "IMHO" post, and I appreciate your sensitivity. I have felt some of the things you mentioned...
Thanks so much for that, Stella. I was feeling a bit roasted over that so I'm happy to know someone felt the discussion was helpful. Someone besides my therapist, anyway :)
> I'm fairly new on babble, and it's comforting to know that there's so many caring people here like yourself.
Looking forward to getting to know you too. Babble is a special place, lots of good people.
Best, Lucie
p.s. I really like your name!
> Cheers,
> stellabystarlight
>
>
>
Posted by stellabystarlight on September 10, 2008, at 14:50:02
In reply to Re: What's the diff. between 'care for' + 'care about' » stellabystarlight, posted by lucie lu on September 10, 2008, at 14:11:55
Lucie,
So funny you mention Sally Field. I've been hearing her "You like me! You really like me!" speech in my head for the last month as I'm thinking about how well my therapy's going.
Everything you say is so right on. I swear, I should save therapy money and just post here...you guys are so insightful.
I'm sorry you feel a bit "roasted", but I want you to know that you've helped me to understand my own posting and replying behavior. I admire your bravery in being so honest in your "IMHO" posts. I'm not the best writer, and I have difficulty putting words to my thoughts, so I want to thank you for your sensitive and thoughtful posts that express some of what I've been feeling. Nobody's fault here...just my own insecurities and issues.
Thanks again!
Stellabystarlight
Posted by lucie lu on September 10, 2008, at 14:57:05
In reply to Re: What's the diff. between 'care for' + 'care about' » lucie lu, posted by stellabystarlight on September 10, 2008, at 14:50:02
Posted by rskontos on September 10, 2008, at 16:01:08
In reply to Re: What's the diff. between 'care for' + 'care about' » lucie lu, posted by stellabystarlight on September 10, 2008, at 14:50:02
Stella,
I just wanted to say, I agree with Lucie, and add that I think it is only in the T relationship that we feel safer to even ask this directly. I mean I never have ever ask anyone that question. I still haven't ask my T but he recently did something that floored me, and I asked him would he do something like that because it was something that my own father would not do. He replied, Because I feel you are worth it and I believe what we are doing here is very valuable. Now for me, worth and valuable are synonymous in terms of showing me he "cares" about me. I would probably freak out if I thought he "cared for me". Too much caring for me right now or ever probably. You know. But I guess what we all really want to know is, Are we careable? Do we possess the traits that others will find worth caring about especially since somewhere along the way something went wrong from childhood or marriage or for some at sometime in their lives to wind up in therapy.
I know for me, I don't trust easily. My H asked me if I trusted him and I did not answer him. He said well that is my answer. Well that is just it, I have always protected myself. I learned at too early an age, people were not trustworthy and to always have a back door. That is not easily undone.
So in therapy, I think we first start to undo the wrong (or try to), and this is the first place, it is the safest to say, "Do you care". But I think too that question means more to us and they, T's know this before most of us.
Anyway, I hope this makes sense.
take care,
rsk
Posted by stellabystarlight on September 10, 2008, at 20:56:25
In reply to Re: What's the diff. between 'care for' + 'care ab » stellabystarlight, posted by rskontos on September 10, 2008, at 16:01:08
Hi Rskontos,
You make perfect sense.
I also would not directly ask anyone else how much they cared about me or how they would feel if I died outside of therapy. Wouldn't want them to think that I have emotional problems! LOL.
I must feel quite safe with him to ask such questions. What if he'd said something insensitive like "I'd feel bad, but you're just a client."...that would have hurt! Now that I think about it, he looked pleased as he noticed and pointed out how much trust and closeness we have for me to be so open. He knows how hard it is for me to trust anyone.
I think you hit the nail on head with "what we all really want to know is, are we careable?" Deep down, I don't believe I'm careable due to multiple abandonment experiences, and I agree that is not easily undone. So now I pay a fortune in hopes that he'll undo the feelings of worthlessness, and cling to any evidence that I'm careable. Thus, my asking the babblers what the difference is between "care about" and "care for". I've been slowly, but cautiously starting to realize that he does care about me, and this has helped me to make small improvements in my life.
You sound like you have a very caring T as well. For him to say "I feel you are worth it and I believe what we are doing here is very valuable." is a wonderful way to say he cares about you.
Thank you for your generous response...you gave me a lot to think about.Take care,
Stellabystarlight
Posted by Nadezda on September 11, 2008, at 9:43:30
In reply to Re: What's the diff. between 'care for' + 'care about', posted by lucie lu on September 10, 2008, at 13:12:51
I kinda think you really have to ask him what the difference is for him. People tend to have their own usage for words, which is quite particular. The distinction obviously means something he has in mind.
I would use them interchangeable in ordinary speech. So I think it depends a lot really on how he's settled on their meanings.
Nadezda
Posted by lemonaide on September 11, 2008, at 10:15:35
In reply to What's the diff. between 'care for' + 'care about', posted by stellabystarlight on September 10, 2008, at 12:55:10
It drives me crazy when T's says things like this. Can they be any more confusing? It seems like word games to me, that my old T used to do.
Posted by antigua3 on September 11, 2008, at 10:37:00
In reply to What's the diff. between 'care for' + 'care about', posted by stellabystarlight on September 10, 2008, at 12:55:10
Great thread.
At least you've gotten beyond the word "care" to "for" or "about". The furthest my pdoc will go is that "He cares." Never says about me or the therapy, just that he cares, which I, of course, can interpret as I wish. And I can't even tell you how hard it was to get that out of him!!! Oh, the CBT line of thinking that he so strictly follows... But it's always such a challenge.
Then there's my T, who hugs me at the end of every session (and sometimes at the beginning) and always tells me she loves me.
Sigh, the yin and the yang. The mom and the dad. Life is so complicated.
thanks for the thread,
antigua
Posted by stellabystarlight on September 11, 2008, at 16:09:41
In reply to Re: What's the diff. between 'care for' + 'care about' » lucie lu, posted by Nadezda on September 11, 2008, at 9:43:30
Hi Nadezda,
He probably doesn't even remember saying that he cares about me, but can't care for me. If I were to point out how his feelings must have grown for me, because he now says, "I care about you and I care for you", he might feel the need to invoke therapist's disclaimers. Hate that! LOL!
I think for him "care for" means to have personal, intimate feelings attached to it, and that's why he used to say that he couldn't care for me. I'll have to analyze this with him when the time's right. It's hard but I've been trying to focus on my issues and not "his and mine". Sigh...
Thanks.
stellabystarligt
Posted by stellabystarlight on September 11, 2008, at 16:24:23
In reply to Re: What's the diff. between 'care for' + 'care about', posted by lemonaide on September 11, 2008, at 10:15:35
Yeah, I wish he'd just say exactly how he feels and what's on his mind all the time, but I have to say he's come a long way...been much more open lately.
I understand why the therapist/client relationship is set-up this way, but I get much more from therapy when both of us are open. I'm just glad that our relationship isn't stagnating.
Thanks Lemonaide!
stellabystarlight> It drives me crazy when T's says things like this. Can they be any more confusing? It seems like word games to me, that my old T used to do.
Posted by stellabystarlight on September 11, 2008, at 16:47:37
In reply to Re: What's the diff. between 'care for' + 'care about', posted by antigua3 on September 11, 2008, at 10:37:00
Hi Antigua,
Wow...thanks for saying my post is a "great thread". I tend to think that everyone else's is great and mine sucks! LOL! I'm so in awe of all the articulate, insightful minds around here! I usually feel I don't have much to say that hasn't already been said, much more eloquently, so I just don't post or reply. Thanks for boosting my confidence! LOL.
How interesting! You have a "cold father" and a "warm mother"! Do you have similar dynamics with your parents by any chance? You would have so much material to work with if your therapy relationships mirrored your parental relationships.
I'm starting to understand that my therapist is valuable to me because he mirrors so many different relationships in my life. Yes, life is complicated.
Thanks again!
Stellabystarlight
Posted by lucie lu on September 11, 2008, at 18:05:02
In reply to Re: What's the diff. between 'care for' + 'care about' » lucie lu, posted by Nadezda on September 11, 2008, at 9:43:30
I'm still waiting for my T to explain to me exactly what "regard" means ;)
Posted by antigua3 on September 12, 2008, at 8:47:55
In reply to Re: What's the diff. between 'care for' + 'care about' » antigua3, posted by stellabystarlight on September 11, 2008, at 16:47:37
Oh yes, this mirrors my relationships w/my parents to a T (couldn't resist).
My father is no longer alive, but he was a cold man generally, but he was closer to me than anyone, especially late in his life when he was sick. We had a strong relationship then and I knew he loved and cared for me. I had some CSA memories before he died but hadn't put them together, but after he died it all started to come together. So I have this loving/hating feeling for him that, unfortunately, is overwhelmed by love, which is masking my being able to deal completely with what he did.
This is why I see a male pdoc. We are working on resolving these issues.
My mother is a very loving person, but can cut you off in a second if you cross her. I've never been on the receiving end of that, as some of my siblings have, because I've always been the perfect daughter, once again masking my true feelings of her role in my abuse.
So my T is my mother, and provides all the unconditional warmth and love that I missed out on as a kid due to what was going on and my mother's unavailability basically.
I don't know where this is all headed. They both have different approaches, but for now it works. They need to be melded together for me, and I have to work out the dynamic of my parents through working with them.
I know this is more than you asked, but thanks for giving me an opportunity to think about it more.
antigua
Posted by antigua3 on September 12, 2008, at 8:48:30
In reply to Re: What's the diff. between 'care for' + 'care about' » Nadezda, posted by lucie lu on September 11, 2008, at 18:05:02
Posted by stellabystarlight on September 12, 2008, at 14:34:47
In reply to Maybe CSA trigger*** » stellabystarlight, posted by antigua3 on September 12, 2008, at 8:47:55
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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