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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by FindingMyDesire on August 31, 2008, at 3:42:27
for now. I feel guilty right off because I am not yet giving to this forum what I have taken. Hopefully I will get there.
Tonight I just need to get something out instead of picking up the phone. I've only called my therapist about something other than scheduling once in two years, but if I call I will go on and on I'm sure (just like this post).
Things have been great with me in my life and with the work with the T in the last two months. There is some serious progress happening. So it's no surprise that I'm panicking tonight.
The session started badly - she seemed "off" and I didn't say anything. She's *rarely* like that. I could have made it up but in any case I retreated just enough to make me feel distracted and distanced through most of the session.
Then, I said one of the most vulnerable things I have ever said. I was having a moment of being seen by her and instead of retreating into the darkness that is my head out of fear for feeling good about it, I told her what was happening for me. (Something we always talk about after the fact and more intellectually than anything.) But right in the moment I said in response to a gentle question she asked about what I was feeling, "I'm afraid that if I let you know that I feel good about you seeing me that you will take it away." I was so terrified when I said it I could hardly breathe and it took everything not to burst into tears. She launched into more seeing me - good stuff - about where some of that might come from - my dad, girlfriends in middle school, other adults in my life - but what she didn't do was reassure me about her. Are they just not allowed to do that?!?!?! I was so in a moment with her. HER. OK, so transference is obviously at play, but she is a *real* person that I'm *actually* attached to now. I just felt rejected somehow. Why can't she just look at me and tell me she won't do that to me? Maybe she did say something and I didn't hear it. I don't know. It's 1:30 AM and I can't sleep so I don't think she did...
THEN, of course I was already in a state as we MOVED ON to other things. There were two other things we talked about (that would just take a novel to explain) where I felt like she wasn't being *in it* with me. She was holding the space and helping me look at things from various angles (as she so beautifully does) but I just wasn't getting what I wanted.
It's like she thinks I'm farther along than I am. Does that make sense to anyone? I have started trying out new positive internal voices and making HUGE changes in my life for the better... but 'don't leave me yet!!!! I need you!' That's what I feel like saying. Those new voices are not mine yet - they come from the messages she gives me directly or indirectly. I'm just trying them on. I feel like I could crash at any moment. They aren't integrated yet. To me, they are still *her voice* but she is so quick - just too quick to explain to me how they are mine. Why does that hurt me?
UGH. I feel angry (and I don't like to feel that one). I just want to call her up and leave all of this on her voice mail. By THURSDAY I may not say it. By THURSDAY I could crash. Progress lost. The feeling of rejection could take over.
Posted by WaterSapphire on August 31, 2008, at 5:20:55
In reply to Trying not to call therapist - coming here instead, posted by FindingMyDesire on August 31, 2008, at 3:42:27
You should tell your therapist how you are feeling at your next appointment unless it gets too hard and you must call her. I feel it is important you let her know you are going through this internal struggle right now so she realizes where you really are at. Therapists can encourage, and perhaps the most she could say is that you are doing well in your therapy and did not want to make herself more a part of the picture in your progress. Therapists are scared and human too, and I can only imagine perhaps something was going on in her life that day that made her seem off. Perhaps she was more off than usual, and you unfortunately got the bad end of it. What I suggest that you do is that you write out these feelings on here, and in another format in a journal so when you see her, you can show her what you have been going through. That is to the extent that you feel comfortable sharing it. All of us are entitled to privacy, but perhaps opening up enough would help her to realize where you really are at and to tailor your therapy in that direction. Besides, it should be a client centered approach. You have the right to getting the help you need. I think it is very healthy for each one of us to be honest, and you have written your thoughts and feelings out really really well.
Personally, I think a lot of therapists would be proud to see their client be able to write out everything and be in touch with their feelings this well. This will help you I think in the long run.
Peace and Happy SundayChelle
Posted by Racer on August 31, 2008, at 7:22:45
In reply to Trying not to call therapist - coming here instead, posted by FindingMyDesire on August 31, 2008, at 3:42:27
> for now. I feel guilty right off because I am not yet giving to this forum what I have taken. Hopefully I will get there.
Uh-oh, let's go check the score-card, see what the current totals are.
There is no score care here, you are welcome to come and ACCEPT what we FREELY CHOOSE to GIVE you when you need it. You probably give back more than you know, which really isn't the point: please notice the words above. You can't "take" comfort and support and advice "from" me -- I don't have to read your posts, I don't have to answer you. If you receive any support or comfort from me directly, it's because I chose to offer it to you, freely, of my own volition. It is a gift offered, not a form of acceptance tax -- and really, there's no one keeping score.
>She launched into more seeing me - good stuff - about where some of that might come from ... but what she didn't do was reassure me about her. I just felt rejected somehow. Why can't she just look at me and tell me she won't do that to me?Maybe she thought you were telling her that you knew she saw you, maybe she thought she was showing you the threads of what you'd told her?
And maybe it really was a blooper on her part -- maybe she was so enthusiastic about that particular step on your part, that she forgot to reassure you before showing you where it came from.
After all, therapists are human, they're not perfect. Except mine, of course -- and even she makes mistakes... ;-)
>
> It's like she thinks I'm farther along than I am. Does that make sense to anyone? I'm just trying them on. I feel like I could crash at any moment. They aren't integrated yet. To me, they are still *her voice* but she is so quick - just too quick to explain to me how they are mine. Why does that hurt me?Yes, it makes sense, yes I've had similar feelings, and yes, there is a reason it's hurting you.
I don't know you, so I have no idea of the exact reason for that hurt, but I can guess at what might cause me to feel hurt in that situation, though. Maybe that will help you clarify what's triggering it for you?
For instance, being told that the healthier self-talk really is me, not her might feel like rejection to me. It might feel -- heck, lemme just say it: it would feel as though I went to Mommy for reassurance that I had done it right, and been told "be a big girl, Mommy can't do everything for you." (Come to think of it -- I was told that, which is why I'm in therapy now... Hm...) In that sense, it would be something she didn't do -- and my maybe not quite so healthy interpretation of it that combined to lead to that feeling. If that makes sense.
My therapist and I go through rough patches, where we'll have a few weeks of not working well together. It's starting to form a pattern, I think, which worries me, but the important part is the last problem we had: I was slipping badly, and she wasn't noticing quite what was happening and pushing me in areas that weren't right at that time. When I brought it up, she said something along the lines of, "what you're talking about needing right now is the little girl part -- we've gotten past that, though, to the adolescent part..." And then we had a very bad rest of the session with me trying to articulate why that was upsetting me. (Other than the fact that I am too Spock-like to have an easy time with "little girl" and "adolescent" being applied to my middle aged self, of course...) The next session, I was better able to articulate what I meant -- that I heard, "you have to be a big girl, you have to do it yourself," and that that was NOT what she was trying communicate (it better not be, by the way), which was much more along the lines of, "OK, that's one feeling -- but you're a smart, capable, competent adult and can try on that perspective as well and see what happens." I felt the difference, although I'm not sure if it's gonna be as visceral for anyone else. Once I was able to articulate that, though, something kinda amazing happened:
She admitted that she'd contributed something from left field in that one -- she's been frustrated by my absolute rejection of the CBT model. She keeps telling me, "but we do cognitive work in here, too," and I keep saying back, "we do cognitive work, which is DIFFERENT from doing CBT." I had a very traumatic therapy experience with included an absolute focus on absolute and total control of any expression of emotion using purely CBT techniques. Obviously, not used as intended, but as soon as CBT noises are made, I go into the emotional flashback and freeze. She knows about what happened, and periodically we talk about how pathetic and contemptible I feel because I am still suffering so much from it after several years, but it seems to be something she doesn't "get." Which always feels lousy.
Speaking of feeling lousy, I am having a huge problem with insomnia -- can't sleep tonight, after not sleeping much last night. Very unlike me, really, but it's left me feeling pretty lousy. I don't think I have the energy to proof read this post, and I know I can't edit it, so I hope you'll accept my clumsy offer of these thoughts to you.
And my Inner Non-Vulcan says, "I like the idea of writing down your feelings, coming here for reassurance and comfort, maybe journaling about what's coming up for you -- and I really hope you feel better soonest."
And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming...
Posted by Poet on August 31, 2008, at 13:50:43
In reply to Trying not to call therapist - coming here instead, posted by FindingMyDesire on August 31, 2008, at 3:42:27
Hi,
I wish your T had realized that you needed reassurance that she would be there for you. Can you email her? My T lets me email and I find that much easier than calling her. If you can't email her maybe write down what you're feeling and if you can't read it to her, let her read it?
I can understand you wanting reassurance and I hope your T does, too and lets you know that she is there for you and not going anywhere.
Poet
Posted by onceupon on September 1, 2008, at 13:28:00
In reply to Re: Trying not to call therapist - coming here instead » FindingMyDesire, posted by Poet on August 31, 2008, at 13:50:43
Hi FindingMyDesire,
Your post really resonated with me because I recently had a similar session. Sometimes it feels like my brain locks up because I get flooded with anxiety about what others will think of me when I speak up. Of course, this happens most intensely with my therapist since I work hard not to be my regular self who avoids talking about anything other than the superficial with others. I tried to tell her about this during our last session - and I can't even remember her response - all I can remember is that it was not what I was looking for. What I wanted to hear was that her regard for me won't change no matter what I say, or something like that.
Not to totally hijack your thread, but I felt devastated after the session and really started to wonder why she really doesn't seem to offer reassurance ever. I find this painful and yet, I have the hardest time bringing it up with her. But, my advice to you (to be accepted or discarded, of course) is the same as it is to myself: talk to her. Write it down, as others have suggested. But try, if you can, to recognize that the therapy relationship sometimes needs to be repaired, just like every other relationship. And when you can go back and have a "do-over," sometimes that can be more healing than anything else.
Hope some of that makes sense. Best wishes.
This is the end of the thread.
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