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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on December 30, 2007, at 23:00:43
This is crazy Muffleds head.
Sister phone, but I putting kids to bed. She say she call tomorrow. She be wondering I so quiet today. DH come in and say he worry bout me. I say why? He say I not normal, I say wassup? He say...I don't remember but then he gonna go read daughter a story so he goes. So I think to self, what do I say? I can say, ugh, New Years, hate that. Year end, we a disaster in paperwork, that freaking me. I could say, for whatever reason it freaked the total hell outta me this a.m. when you got close. Mebbe its just all cumulative. Just all stuff together. Dunno. Dunno why upset, dunno why ikids around so much. Mebbe cuz my kids around? Mebbe they are triggering to me somehow? I worry bout them. I get thots of what if someone hurts them. My ikids been trying to say stuff, but I don't really listen. I a b*llsh*tt*r, I say OK tell me, or I'll listen, but I don't. I shut 'em down cuz I don't wanna know. I see no point really cuz there will only be incomplete information only. So why I need to know? But they haunt me them damn f*ck*rs. They won't shut up. I still got SUCH denial. And fighting it is hard. Back and forth. And part of me feels so damn disgusting. And I just not really here much, only partly. I dunno why I get such weird feelings. I have a gaping hole in my history, and its bugging me. Then I get these feelings, and I just don't understand them. WHERE the hell they comming from? It is illogical and don't make sense. And I trying so hard to know that it is all one 'me'. But it don't FEEL like that. I was never a child. It makes it hard to understand the ikids. I have no identity other than the present. No wonder we got no family traditions. No wonder I fly by seat of my pants. I am unhistorical. I am only what is now. Other people presumably have this continuity, this sense of being young and growing and remembering stuff. I just have these pieces, and I trying to make them fit together so i can have continuity too. But I can't make them fit. It is not me, it is we, and that is a source of shame. Cuz I not whole. I am just a figment, a piece. Not human, not an entire soul. Just a fragment. Kid can run to T and feel safe, but I can't, so physically kid can't either, just in her mind. I wish I knew what to do. I just don't know what to do. I want to do the things that will make me whole. But as I learn more, I just feel sadder. When I didn't know, I just kinda drifted in my sphere and along I went. Then I had kids, and then I start getting triggered. Then I splitting too much. Then I learning that I split. Then I learning to hear them. Then I learn bout stuff I didn't know. And it hurts me. Parts of me. Cuz I'd made such a nice (fake) pic of the world. But it wasn't real, and it started to fall apart. And I DENY so hard. Cuz on some level I am comprehending that Thatkid is in fact myself when I was younger. "we" are all one and the same. So if those hands did what they did, then it was to this body. The one I live in too. And that kid that gets SO frightened....then that must be MY??? feelings, *I* must have felt that way. The one that is so sad and doesn't understand why....must be me too. Did *I* once feel these things? and if so why? Why?????did I feel these things? If I were to stand back and say to another eg. babbler...well...I would not *tell* anything to another, I think that is a very bad thing to do....but I COULD say.....and in fact have had babblers say this to me....that your body don't lie....that those feelings come from SOMEwhere....But then if it were to be true in any way, then there would be anger. I am inclined to have anger directed in to myownself rather than towards others in violence. I get cranky and nasty, but I don't usu get enraged to others. I have to destroy and defuse anger by hurting me. I can feel pain and its OK.
So here I am.Stuck.
Cuz I dunno whats facts. I proly will never know, cept I guess some part is saying to me right now...'you DO know', and that makes me dizzy. OK, maybe I DO know SOME, but its inconclusive. Whereupon someone says, you f*ck*ng well DO know, you KNOW. Though from my POV its impossible.....this is sick. I gonna go have a bath.
Then maybe, in the new year, I will ceremonially break my fist. And then I can feel the pain. I can be alive. My fist will cry for me. It will be a physical manifestation of the pain of this body. Its the only way this fragmented soul can express it. Disgorge it. Try and make it a little less for awhile. THEN we can accept what is real. We can look a swollen fist and understand its real.
Maybe.
Posted by star008 on December 31, 2007, at 8:38:23
In reply to To the world...this is crazy muffled*trigger?*, posted by muffled on December 30, 2007, at 23:00:43
d,,,mm.. Lost my whole post somewhere and I am starting all over for you MUFFLED!!! Ohhhh MUffled was up late when I was at work and I couldn't try to help her or make her laugh:0
Yeah, IRL kids being out lost of triggers. You look at them and know how helpless they are I had trouble with that too.. My kids grew so no triggers with them anymore. Your I kids get angry cuz they think you know..They aren't aware that you don't remember anythng about it.. YOu feel the feelings, the emotions, the fear and you want to deny where it is coming from sometimes. LIke you are just a big drama queen and are making things up for attention..and then you look and see that isn't quite it ccause there have been times when you switched and "normal" people can't do that.But with big wholes and nothing to go on but feelings it is confusing. Nothing concrete to base anything on
And if it was your body and things were done to you where is the anger?? You have tons of anger spilling out all the time. I found it was an older kid, an adolesent that had much of the angerand hated the little Ikids.. Seemed like she blamed them for feeling ashamed and yucky.I think when the anger comes out at the swamp child taz that it is probably an older Ikid..Cause Muffled, you could never hate a little kid that did nothing wrong..But at the same time you don't know how to really reach her.. So she screams and does the Taz thing like any out-of- control 4 year old would...
And from my point of view the thngs that comeinto my head about what must have happened are impossible too..But I got these kids feeling all these things and telling me something happened.. And sometimes i get a pic or something perverted and I know that little kids are not perverted, (like someone doing something to my ikid when she was little) and I find it very difficult to beleive cause it is so nasty..And who must have done it becomes even worse to try to beleive.
I don't remember either.. Big wholes..Don't know if i am making it all up, (why would I do that)..But the feelings that come with it can't be made up. I don't remember the whole growing up thing..I guess people remember all that sh@@@T?
And if the kids shut down cause something was too much for them to bear emotionally, physically. whatever, why are they feeling it now?? I thought they were shut down in their developemental stages.
Yeah, the more you learn, the more it hurts.. Ignorance ws almost bliss but we weren't happy in ignorance and we can't pretend we are happy. just won't work
ceremonially breaking your hand?? Well yes you will feel the pain and maybe you will cry but it won't touch wht the ikids need.. There will be no release of emotional pain with physical injury.. YOU can look at your fist and see that it is real.
How bout I smack my head with a sledge hammer??.. I could get a huge dent there and cry cuz it hurt so bad..Bust your fist, i bash my head.:). Your choice.. and I will to walkaround with a dented head forever.. come on MUFFLED!!! Save my head from the dents!!this will pass.. t will be around and you will make it through another week..Please don't hurt yourself... It is really counterproductive. All that will do is to get the kids more agitated and scared..And beside, does it really make sense to break your hand anyway???
I am here to hold you up..and poke you in the ribs too..
Posted by star008 on December 31, 2007, at 8:43:20
In reply to To the world...this is crazy muffled*trigger?*, posted by muffled on December 30, 2007, at 23:00:43
take it froma drunk.. you gotta stop drinking.. It screws everything up..At least don't drink and starr tot think about inner stuff too much.. it stirs it all up and gets you way more harmful to your ikids and yourself. Can;'t get through this stuff that way. And isn't there a prt of you that WANTS to know even though the thought is horrifying? maybe then life would make more sense,, maybe then you get the fragments together
wimpy punch on the arm
star
Posted by Bodhisattva on December 31, 2007, at 8:54:14
In reply to To the world...this is crazy muffled*trigger?*, posted by muffled on December 30, 2007, at 23:00:43
No wonder you are so tired. You carry the entirety of your past with you everywhere you go. That's heavy, very heavy, and it'll slow you till you have no more will to go on. What happened....what could have happened...what you should have done, those things stretch on endlessly and can consume your days and nights orchestrating newer more wonderful pasts for yourself. But those things you see done better, they are only in your mind. Phantoms of your creation, recalled and given form by memory. Phantoms that try to steal your "now". They take your ability to make the future a past of your design.
Look back only to understand what's in front of you. It's unfortunate but true, that to make a masterpiece, there has to be some dark colors too...
Posted by antigua3 on December 31, 2007, at 11:02:21
In reply to To the world...this is crazy muffled*trigger?*, posted by muffled on December 30, 2007, at 23:00:43
Excuse me if this is too simplistic, but maybe you could try to stop denying one thing, just one little thing, and quit fighting yourself so hard. You are going to win this fight, and you will make yourself whole. Fighting ourselves takes too much energy. give in just a little bit, maybe? Give into the easiest thing that won't hurt too much?
I don't know, I just feel badly that you're hurting so very much and you need relief.
antigua
Posted by muffled on December 31, 2007, at 11:17:50
In reply to Re: To the world...this is crazy muffled*trigger?* » muffled, posted by star008 on December 31, 2007, at 8:43:20
Thx Star, you make me laff with your funny stuff!
You 'get it' all right. I am sorry you do.
Ya we will get better.
I just getting impatient is all.
Its so confusing and frustrating and I want to do better.
Thanks for your support.
We gonna get there ok?
We gonna have a LIFE.
Ya.
M
Posted by muffled on December 31, 2007, at 11:19:39
In reply to Re: To the world...this is crazy muffled*trigger?* » muffled, posted by Bodhisattva on December 31, 2007, at 8:54:14
>It's unfortunate but true, that to make a masterpiece, there has to be some dark colors too...
Sigh. The past haunts me. I can't get away. I really liked what you wrote there.
I thinking.
Thanks.
M
Posted by muffled on December 31, 2007, at 11:24:52
In reply to Re: To the world...this is crazy muffled*trigger?* » muffled, posted by antigua3 on December 31, 2007, at 11:02:21
Duh! One small thing....I LIKE that. I gonna think on it and do it. My T has said similiar type things in the past bout breaking things into smaller more managable bits.
Funny thing is, you feel badly that I am hurting, but,
I am, but I am not.
Guess thats the splitness thing?
I dunno.
I s'pose I hurt, but not agony, not at all.
Just struggling is the besy way to phrase it I think.
I never think of myself as hurting.
Odd.
I think I will ponder this thot another day.
I am OK.
Guess thats the wonder of being split.
The intoleravble stuff is hidden away. I don't feel it but weakly.
But I guess there is a price to be paid...
Reckon thats the tiredness...
You got me thinking.
Thx.
M
Posted by DAisym on December 31, 2007, at 15:38:01
In reply to Re: To the world...this is crazy muffled*trigger?* » antigua3, posted by muffled on December 31, 2007, at 11:24:52
I can't tell you how many times I've said, "it is impossible to know what I now know." And I ask myself all the time, "what do I do, now that I know?" But slowly I'm figuring out that there is nothing to do. Your mind will slowly absorb the truth, the more you speak it, the more it is knowable. You don't have to tell the world, just one other person is enough. But telling means knowing.
I believe the exhaustion and pain come from the energy it takes to not know. To keep the secret, especially from ourselves. To "sit with it" is very hard - mostly impossible for me - but gradually, I am learning to just be. Which isn't to say that I don't sink deeply into those depths of despair or think at some point that I just can't live with knowing. But there are now moments that I see myself as someone who can know and still function. I can know and still be me. Everything has been changed by knowing and yet not.
I'm not helping - but I just wanted to say that the confusion and splitting you are doing is normal and understandable. Try to remind yourself that you don't have to "do" anything - just get through your day, stick to your routine and the knowing will be easier over time.
Posted by muffled on December 31, 2007, at 22:35:10
In reply to Re: To the world...this is crazy muffled*trigger?* » muffled, posted by DAisym on December 31, 2007, at 15:38:01
> "what do I do, now that I know?" But slowly I'm figuring out that there is nothing to do. Your mind will slowly absorb the truth, the more you speak it, the more it is knowable. But telling means knowing.
*telling...I guess that means speaking it aloud in words...
I think the operative word is 'slowly'....
So......let me understand this...I am confused. I can't deny cuz its haunting me and I can't escape it. So this means I must accept or just wear down or end up destroying myself...But this is very hard to accept due to splitness. I have differing opinions. They battle.
> I believe the exhaustion and pain come from the energy it takes to not know. To keep the secret, especially from ourselves. To "sit with it" is very hard - mostly impossible for me - but gradually, I am learning to just be. Which isn't to say that I don't sink deeply into those depths of despair or think at some point that I just can't live with knowing. But there are now moments that I see myself as someone who can know and still function. I can know and still be me. Everything has been changed by knowing and yet not.*sigh...confusing..its just so much so fast. First 'peeps', which was good and bad. Then knowledge. Which is all bad.
But your words give me hope.
> I'm not helping - but I just wanted to say that the confusion and splitting you are doing is normal and understandable. Try to remind yourself that you don't have to "do" anything - just get through your day, stick to your routine and the knowing will be easier over time.*oh daisy, you do help. Just by babbling to me.
You sound like my T. Thats what she says...'we just keep going...'
So....I guess, God I just want to scream, NO. Oh crap, its just. I must seem like such an idiot, I talk all like I am some person who been hurt, then I am at the same time screaming inside that this is SO ridiculous.
I am TRYING to say OK, it is so, I try to accept, but another part just will not allow this cuz then there are unacceptable emotions. Too strong.
So,
SLOWLY.
I try to remember this.
Then it gets easier some, cuz we used to it.
I try to know this.
Thx,
M
Posted by muffled on December 31, 2007, at 22:51:15
In reply to Re: To the world...this is crazy muffled*trigger?* » muffled, posted by DAisym on December 31, 2007, at 15:38:01
I was thinking.
OK eg.: there's a babbler who got hurt as a kid.
So I see this babbler, and get to know this babbler some. And this person seems a nice and kind person.
I do NOT say oh, its Babbler x...the abused one.
I say OH! Its babbler x, nice to see her!
I do not judge/label/identify this person as their pain. I am sad that they got hurt.
But I dunno if I saying this right, but when I see this babbler, they are fine to me. I in NO way see them as bad, or dirty, or anything bad. I see their kindness.
But when I try to look at my own stuff, I immediately get my back up and there's so much negative turmoil.
So why can't I just accept that there may be some negative history to this body, and not have such a hairy fit bout it?
Its not like its even me anyways. So why the prob? Why I get all tied in knots about myownself, when when its another person, I think nothing bad bout THEM.
I dunno if I saying this right. I'm not quite sure myself. But this has been bugging me.
I mean its bad and all. But of all the years I've lived, its but a small part. And there's been SO MUCH GOOD in my life. WHY do I get so damn STUCK on this event in my life? Why is it wrecking me? Why can't I just walk away? Why can't I just say, yup, so fars i know this kid was hurt, but I am adult, I am fine? Why is there still such a frightened child in me? Why don't she go away?
WHY WHY WHY???
So many questions.
M
Posted by muffled on December 31, 2007, at 22:53:31
In reply to also...questions...., posted by muffled on December 31, 2007, at 22:51:15
Posted by star008 on January 1, 2008, at 1:47:40
In reply to also...questions...., posted by muffled on December 31, 2007, at 22:51:15
I know wht you mean.. and you can feel sorry for them and think about how terrible that must have been for them but for you , you can't find the same compassion and acceptance..I think it is because our self-esteem is still so low that we don't see ourselves as those nice kind babblers who were abused as kids..We still got the shame and the yucks.. I wonder if in little bitty steps w3e could start to feel more for the ikids.. Ultimately we should be able to accept them the way we accept wounded babblers. And maybe Muffled if we accept them we can start accepting ourselves?? I don't know but it seems to make sense to me,,
There was good in my life too but the hurt kid doesn't go away cuz she is still hurting and alone.And you can't possibly walk away from her cuz she is a part of you..can't shut her down for any length of time.. You can try and then she comes back that much louder after being ignored.And then there is more than one of them. I don'tknow how to deal with them either. I don't ave control over who comes out and when but maybe we need to learn that with our T's so we can reach him.. Yeha, not just one hurt lonley kid, that would be easier that trying to deal with several of them.
She don't go away cuz we"re DD.. YOU know all of this i think but I am just repeating it..Another one of my leatures. the hurt kid did seems like a smal part compared to dealing with an entire adult life but you know TAZ'S demand to be heard.. We can tell ourselves all we want that we are adults and can move on but the ikids are stil there and not moving on themselves..so they gotta bug us..
Posted by star008 on January 1, 2008, at 2:02:37
In reply to Re: To the world...this is crazy muffled*trigger?* » muffled, posted by antigua3 on December 31, 2007, at 11:02:21
antigua makes sense. Maybe if start to believe even part of it and quit trying to figure it all out that things might be a little easier. We drive ourselves nuts trying to figure it out. Maybe if we can think, "okay" all the signs are here, we kind of have an idea that something bad happened,, maybe we can just try to take that in.. I try to believe the main issue that the ikids make me aware of. I may never know where it came from, I may never remember but they tell me in so many words.. I am trying to just deal with that now and not the details. Maybe our minds know we aren't strong enough for that yet.
Posted by lovelorn on January 1, 2008, at 10:57:09
In reply to To the world...this is crazy muffled*trigger?*, posted by muffled on December 30, 2007, at 23:00:43
Have you ever thought about doing some hypnosis or hypnotherapy to retrieve some memory(ies)? It is supposed to help with the emotional response too surrounding the memory(ies). Maybe something to talk to your T about, what she thinks on the subject.
This is the end of the thread.
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