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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 34. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 2, 2007, at 9:09:33
PTSD returning in all its violent glory. Flashbacks coming at breakneck speed and with horrible consequences.
I lost time (I think? maybe 15-45 minutes). I was not in my own body most of the time.
I called T sobbing. then cursing. then sobbing again.
T was able to schedule me for emergency session today. I told him that I probably would not be able to tolerate this over the weekend.
Decided that I had psychotic break. No self-injuries though (well, some picking, but no cutting or burning or overdosing)
Why now?
It's 'cause I trusted T with some of my uglier past. And then it started to come back to me and I could not control it. There were voices.
Posted by happyflower on November 2, 2007, at 11:51:56
In reply to i had a bad night last night **triggers, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 2, 2007, at 9:09:33
wow, Llupsie, I wish you the best today in your session. Flashbacks suck donkey butt, no doubt about it. But you are one of the strongest people I know, so I know you can overcome this, let your T help, let you help you.
Take care
NoodleI hope you will be okay ((((noodle))))
Posted by Phillipa on November 2, 2007, at 12:29:45
In reply to Re: i had a bad night last night **triggers, posted by happyflower on November 2, 2007, at 11:51:56
Lurpsie you do know I care a lot about you. Will you be alone this weekend? And if you've seen the therapist update okay? Phillipa
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 2, 2007, at 13:25:24
In reply to i had a bad night last night **triggers, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 2, 2007, at 9:09:33
Saw T today. we talked some. I don't remember a lot of it. he said he doesn't think that there is very much left in there (my noggin') that would acct. for my symptoms. That the one I talked about would be sufficient to cause it all. to "scare the bejeezus out of me" as he said it.
Told me that I need to do something nice for myself this weekend. i see him again monday
reinforced many times that it was good that i didn't hurt myself
Posted by happyflower on November 2, 2007, at 13:36:25
In reply to Re: i had a bad night last night **triggers, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 2, 2007, at 13:25:24
Glad you went today. Do you think it helped? He is right, you need to do something good for you this weekend. Do you like the pretty fall colors? The leaves are almost peaking around here, and it is so much fun to walk on the crunchy leaves. I even make some iced chai tea
lattes
today for me and the kids. I get the sugar free liquid mix made my Oregon. Boy is it good! I think it is taking over my spicey cider drink for fall.
Now I am making some hot tea that you shared with me, those mysterious grass looking balls. I even found a place that serves that chinese dish we shared, the one with the barbq pork and this white bread stuff that I think is boiled or something. Yum! I sure miss you Llurpsie, you were fun to talk to and hang out with. Maybe another time...
Take care of yourself little Llurpsie...
Posted by muffled on November 2, 2007, at 13:44:59
In reply to Re: i had a bad night last night **triggers, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 2, 2007, at 13:25:24
> Saw T today. we talked some. I don't remember a lot of it. he said he doesn't think that there is very much left in there (my noggin') that would acct. for my symptoms. That the one I talked about would be sufficient to cause it all. to "scare the bejeezus out of me" as he said it.
*ummm, that all very validating I suposse...
> Told me that I need to do something nice for myself this weekend. i see him again monday
*well thats nice, and thats nice...
> reinforced many times that it was good that i didn't hurt myself*I too reinforce....good Llurpy.
Soooo, did he give specific suggestions on what to do when this happens?
CAN you call him on weekends?
A psychotic break is a serious thing.....and needs to be treated as such....
Maybe it just this darn words thing...hard to put stuff in words...
be specially careful and safe LL.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on November 2, 2007, at 16:25:10
In reply to Re: i had a bad night last night **triggers, posted by happyflower on November 2, 2007, at 13:36:25
> Glad you went today. Do you think it helped?
yes, I think it helped. But I'm getting scared again now that it is getting dark.>He is right, you need to do something good for you this weekend. Do you like the pretty fall colors? The leaves are almost peaking around here, and it is so much fun to walk on the crunchy leaves. I even make some iced chai tea
> lattes
> today for me and the kids. I get the sugar free liquid mix made my Oregon. Boy is it good! I think it is taking over my spicey cider drink for fall.:) lucky kids :)
lucky happyflower> Now I am making some hot tea that you shared with me, those mysterious grass looking balls. I even found a place that serves that chinese dish we shared, the one with the barbq pork and this white bread stuff that I think is boiled or something. Yum! I sure miss you Llurpsie, you were fun to talk to and hang out with. Maybe another time...
one of these days. one day at a time.
> Take care of yourself little Llurpsie...
>
thanks happy- you too. happy to hear that you got some sleep///
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on November 2, 2007, at 16:28:37
In reply to Re: i had a bad night last night **triggers, posted by muffled on November 2, 2007, at 13:44:59
> > Saw T today. we talked some. I don't remember a lot of it. he said he doesn't think that there is very much left in there (my noggin') that would acct. for my symptoms. That the one I talked about would be sufficient to cause it all. to "scare the bejeezus out of me" as he said it.
>
> *ummm, that all very validating I suposse...uh oh. do i sense skepticism?
>
> > Told me that I need to do something nice for myself this weekend. i see him again monday
>
> *well thats nice, and thats nice...
>
> > reinforced many times that it was good that i didn't hurt myself
>
> *I too reinforce....good Llurpy.thanks muffly
> Soooo, did he give specific suggestions on what to do when this happens?
> CAN you call him on weekends?yes. he told me that the best way to get in touch asap is to leave msg with voice operator.
> A psychotic break is a serious thing.....and needs to be treated as such....
I'm scared muff. I really am. terrified. I'm trying not to take it too seriously because it is so scary to me to lose my mind.
> Maybe it just this darn words thing...hard to put stuff in words...
> be specially careful and safe LL.thank you mufff. I really missed you. I hope you are in a safe space yourself. (((muff)))
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on November 2, 2007, at 16:38:04
In reply to Re: i had a bad night last night **triggers » muffled, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on November 2, 2007, at 16:28:37
llurpsie's brain has been in an electrical storm lasting many hours last night. It is sleep-deprived and is reacting to extreme stress by sending out physiological symptoms of depression- early morning rising and loss of appetite.
llurpsie's heart is broken because she has convinced herself that she is unloveable
Llurpsie has fewer coping mechanisms now that she has told T she won't self-injure. Something to numb out would be especially welcome right now.
Is terrified that pdoc will medicate the hell out of her if she tells him the absolute truth. Is well aware that she can fake being normal to avoid this consequence, but that in doing so she denies herself the chance for someone to intervene.
Has been told before that the reason she gets treated with aggressive psychopharmacology is because she "scares the hell out of her pdoc"
Mirth is her stylish reaction to traumatic stress. At the core of the mirth is a deep terror and withdrawal from reality.
Llurpsie has been fooling folks for years that all is well.
She fooled you too?
Posted by sunnydays on November 2, 2007, at 17:01:48
In reply to it's nighttime again, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on November 2, 2007, at 16:38:04
((((Llurpsie))))
You can do this. Hang in there. I know too well what the PTSD is like. It feels like you're going crazy, I know it does. I've scared my therapist to the point he was going to have campus security come check on me to make sure I was ok. But you're not going crazy. Take it one second at a time, and you'll get through it. It comes and goes. Remember how good you felt a few weeks ago? That feeling will come back.
I've been struggling a lot lately with feeling like I'm fooling everyone around me by looking like I'm doing well. But your therapist knows the truth and we at Babble know the truth. I don't think you've fooled anyone here. You've been very candid and honest.
One coping mechanism I have that really can numb me is to go on Youtube and just watch videos. I like cooking videos especially, but there are so many good ones. One person that just happens to be really funny, I think, and family-friendly funny so I don't *think* it would be triggering (it's not for me, but everyone's different) is nalts. Maybe check out some videos there and see if that helps. I can focus on it more than tv and it's not so loud and overwhelming.
The other thing I do is draw. I don't know if that would help you or not.
Hang in there Llurpsie. We care about you.
sunnydays
Posted by muffled on November 2, 2007, at 18:14:44
In reply to it's nighttime again, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on November 2, 2007, at 16:38:04
> llurpsie's brain has been in an electrical storm lasting many hours last night. It is sleep-deprived and is reacting to extreme stress by sending out physiological symptoms of depression- early morning rising and loss of appetite.
(((Lurpysbrain)))
> llurpsie's heart is broken because she has convinced herself that she is unloveableLurpy is NOT unloveable, she just is scared and keeps others at a specified distance...
>
> Llurpsie has fewer coping mechanisms now that she has told T she won't self-injure. Something to numb out would be especially welcome right now.((((LL))))
>
> Is terrified that pdoc will medicate the hell out of her if she tells him the absolute truth. Is well aware that she can fake being normal to avoid this consequence, but that in doing so she denies herself the chance for someone to intervene.Its hard when in a muddle to know what to do...
I wonder if your docs are well aware of how you mask stuff?
Maybe not.
>
> Has been told before that the reason she gets treated with aggressive psychopharmacology is because she "scares the hell out of her pdoc"I think to some extent its due to your articulateness. You express stuff well when you do express it.
>
> Mirth is her stylish reaction to traumatic stress. At the core of the mirth is a deep terror and withdrawal from reality.I kinda gathered that. Thats sorta what prompted my skeptisism in a previous post. Sorry if that hurt you :-(
>
> Llurpsie has been fooling folks for years that all is well.
>
> She fooled you too?No.
But if I say one thing....you always manage to get thru the tough patches.
You remind me of another poster, and now that i think about it, me too to some extent, of how we convince ourselves that we not that bad off, while inside we are frozen in terror.
Your formative years where you were supposed to learn SO mUCH basic 'stuff' were totally messed. So now you need to regroup and learn this stuff. That is what I am trying to do. Its so very hard to do after the fact. There is SO much we don't know. The simplest things that others do automatically we can't even conceive of the notion, let alone DO it.
I've gone from lying in bed, in terror, thinking I'm dying cuz my throat is closing up, to realizing that that feeling indicates sadness, and that its and emotion, and it will pass. Seems so simple.....sigh....
So do what you need to do to get by, and try to keep learning and pushing forward as you have been doing. I wonder if you would benefit from a 'group' or if there are any in your area that would be applicable to you?
Take good care, this will pass.
Goto go.
M
Posted by TherapyGirl on November 2, 2007, at 19:10:42
In reply to i had a bad night last night **triggers, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 2, 2007, at 9:09:33
I'm so sorry, Llurpsie. I haven't finished reading the thread, but I hope the emergency session helps.
I have, unfortunately, very recent experiences with those awful kinds of nights. I hope that is the last one you will ever have.
(((((Llurpsie)))))
Posted by TherapyGirl on November 2, 2007, at 19:12:15
In reply to it's nighttime again, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on November 2, 2007, at 16:38:04
Sometimes you do fool me, Llurpsie. But I can also see the terror. I hope you are able to share that with someone -- either T or pdoc.
Gosh, I hope it gets better soon.
Posted by cactus on November 2, 2007, at 19:44:06
In reply to it's nighttime again, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on November 2, 2007, at 16:38:04
(((oodles of noodles))) hang in there hon!!!!! I have day terrors unlike your night time ones. It f*ck*ng sucks the big one. Just hold on. I wish my pdoc would medicate the hell out of me for a couple of weeks. You are such a beautiful person and give so much support here. I just know you'll ride the storm out like I'm trying to do. I'm off down the coast for the weekend but I'll be able to connect, my sis has broadband so send me a babble mail if you need to vent, luv ya hon, and don't forget to put your seatbelt on, it sounds like it's a bumpy ride.
Posted by Phillipa on November 2, 2007, at 20:57:04
In reply to it's nighttime again, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on November 2, 2007, at 16:38:04
Lurpsie think you need to be with someone or hate to say the hospital for a few days? Hear weather not too great there either doesn't help. You are billiant and yes you have fooled me. How can I help seriously. love Phillipa
Posted by RealMe on November 2, 2007, at 21:39:13
In reply to it's nighttime again, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on November 2, 2007, at 16:38:04
LL
I am so sorry you are going through this. It is prettey scarey to think you are losing your mind, but you aren't. I went through this sort of thing years ago; my T now thinks I was not having psychotic episodes with the voices and missing time. He thinks I was having dissociative episodes, and I tend to agree with him. Of course the voices, well you know where that really comes from, I think. I am glad too that you did not do anything really bad to yourself.
Are you home alone? It is not shame; please believe that. I know it is important to be strong, and you are. This is something that you decided needed to be done so you could move on with life. Don't want to be like me and have it rear it's ugly head again some 20 years later. I was really good at convincing myself I was fine for quite some time. You are young and just starting life, really! You are not a bad person, and I want to say that again. You are not a bad person who deserves to be punished. I hope you can find somethings to keep you busy over the weekend. Mindless sh*t is best. Take care.
RealMe
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 3, 2007, at 8:11:51
In reply to Re: it's nighttime again » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by sunnydays on November 2, 2007, at 17:01:48
> ((((Llurpsie))))
>
> You can do this. Hang in there. I know too well what the PTSD is like. It feels like you're going crazy, I know it does. I've scared my therapist to the point he was going to have campus security come check on me to make sure I was ok. But you're not going crazy. Take it one second at a time, and you'll get through it. It comes and goes. Remember how good you felt a few weeks ago? That feeling will come back.> Hang in there Llurpsie. We care about you.
>
> sunnydaysAww sunny, thank you so much. It's very good to hear that I'm not the only one who's felt like I'm losing my mind. (((((sunnydays))))) chasing the clouds away.
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 3, 2007, at 8:24:18
In reply to Re: it's nighttime again » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by muffled on November 2, 2007, at 18:14:44
> > llurpsie's brain has been in an electrical storm lasting many hours last night. It is sleep-deprived and is reacting to extreme stress by sending out physiological symptoms of depression- early morning rising and loss of appetite.
> (((Lurpysbrain)))
>
> > llurpsie's heart is broken because she has convinced herself that she is unloveable
>
> Lurpy is NOT unloveable, she just is scared and keeps others at a specified distance...
> >I called T again last night and he told me some specific things I can do to keep myself safe overnight (((t))) I just called him back to tell him that I'm feeling better this am.
> Its hard when in a muddle to know what to do...
> I wonder if your docs are well aware of how you mask stuff?
> Maybe not.I will ask T. He says that the part of me that pretends to do well is as much a part of me as the strugglin-llurpsie, and that I shouldn't try to create some dichotomy in my existence.
> >
> > Has been told before that the reason she gets treated with aggressive psychopharmacology is because she "scares the hell out of her pdoc"
>
> I think to some extent its due to your articulateness. You express stuff well when you do express it.
> >thank you muff. I tend to talk about my symptoms a lot and not the things that precipitated them. I lack insight into those triggers and stuff.
>
> I kinda gathered that. Thats sorta what prompted my skeptisism in a previous post. Sorry if that hurt you :-(no hurt. reality check, but not a painful one
> >
> > Llurpsie has been fooling folks for years that all is well.
> >
> > She fooled you too?
>
> No.
> But if I say one thing....you always manage to get thru the tough patches.
> You remind me of another poster, and now that i think about it, me too to some extent, of how we convince ourselves that we not that bad off, while inside we are frozen in terror.
> Your formative years where you were supposed to learn SO mUCH basic 'stuff' were totally messed. So now you need to regroup and learn this stuff. That is what I am trying to do. Its so very hard to do after the fact. There is SO much we don't know. The simplest things that others do automatically we can't even conceive of the notion, let alone DO it.
> I've gone from lying in bed, in terror, thinking I'm dying cuz my throat is closing up, to realizing that that feeling indicates sadness, and that its and emotion, and it will pass. Seems so simple.....sigh....
> So do what you need to do to get by, and try to keep learning and pushing forward as you have been doing. I wonder if you would benefit from a 'group' or if there are any in your area that would be applicable to you?maybe I'll ask T...
> Take good care, this will pass.
> Goto go.
> M
I think it passed?hugs,
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 3, 2007, at 8:25:49
In reply to Re: it's nighttime again » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by TherapyGirl on November 2, 2007, at 19:12:15
> Sometimes you do fool me, Llurpsie. But I can also see the terror. I hope you are able to share that with someone -- either T or pdoc.
>
> Gosh, I hope it gets better soon.I feel better today. I hope this evening isn't as rough.
thanks t-girl. I am trying to tell T how terrified I am/was. I think he is starting to get it.
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 3, 2007, at 8:30:12
In reply to Re: it's nighttime again » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by cactus on November 2, 2007, at 19:44:06
Thank you all for your warm support. I have to go to work in a bit, so I don't have time to respond to you all individually.
I think the worst has past. A whopping dose of klonopin knocked me out for 16 hours. I think it's what my body needed.
T was there when I needed him too (((T))). He's not exactly the cuddly-empathetic T, but he challenges me on many levels. I have to ASK for it, which is very challenging, and tricky. but when I do, he responds well.
have nice saturdays
i'll write more later
Posted by llurpsieNoodle on November 3, 2007, at 18:53:08
In reply to Re: it's nighttime again » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by cactus on November 2, 2007, at 19:44:06
((((cactus))))
you take care too, okay?
Hope your road trip is funner than my mind trips...
hugs,
-Llurps
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 3, 2007, at 18:54:41
In reply to Re: it's nighttime again » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Phillipa on November 2, 2007, at 20:57:04
> Lurpsie think you need to be with someone or hate to say the hospital for a few days?
i think the worst has passed...
thanks for your concern,
ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 3, 2007, at 18:56:33
In reply to Re: it's nighttime again » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by RealMe on November 2, 2007, at 21:39:13
realme,
I think you know exactly what I'm going through. I can only hope that it finds some logical conclusion (other than the one I fantasize about...)Thank you for understanding
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienooDle on November 3, 2007, at 19:08:26
In reply to daytime (whew), posted by llurpsienoodle on November 3, 2007, at 8:30:12
with the flick of a magic wand I can make my sanity go away.
if only it would come back when I call its name.
most people are never ever faced with this choice.
why is it so hard to choose well?
i feel like my wits are stretched thin and tight and are fragile right now. brittle. I don't know what kind of intervention is indicated. I don't know how to ask for help when I don't know what the problem was. Or when the problem is 27 years old.
where do i go from here?
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 3, 2007, at 21:25:53
In reply to sanity is a tenuous thing, posted by llurpsienooDle on November 3, 2007, at 19:08:26
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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