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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 45. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by cactus on November 1, 2007, at 19:17:48
Ok, I'm 37 year old male and have been on and off loads of different meds over the past 14 years. I've seen 2 clinical psychologists, have done CBT and drug and alcohol counselling. I have had many GP's and I have only seen 1 pdoc who is very good and likes to try new options when things are heading south, he is very open minded and he sounds great compared to other pdocs family members and friends have seen. Never dismissing me or cutting me off. I pay for 1 hour and get 1 hour, and we have tried loads of combos over time.
But the thing I can't stand, more than anything thing else, is the thoughts of suicide that fill my head each and every day. It's getting worse as I get older whether I'm on meds or off them. Zoloft was the only one to shut it off, aside from alcohol which I stopped over 6 months ago. I started Zoloft about 3 months ago along with clonazepam and take 150mg of Zoloft and up to 6mg of clonazepam daily. I know that quite a few people might think it's the rivotril(clonazepam) get off it, but now the Zoloft has stopped working. This has been going on for years. I'm not about to kill myself peoples so don't worry, but I feel like when I exit this world, it will be my own doing. Can anyone else relate to that. I called in sick today because as soon as I hit the morning shower it starts with a vengence. Any ideas???? One very confused and fed up cactus.
Posted by Deputy 10derHeart on November 1, 2007, at 21:53:01
In reply to *Triggers* about suicide?, posted by cactus on November 1, 2007, at 19:17:48
I'm going to redirect responses that relate to meds that might help with suicidal thoughts to PB Medications - here's a link:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20071027/msgs/792843.html
Please feel free to continue to post to this thread anything that might assist cactus centered around psychological or psychotherapeutic approaches.
Thanks. - 10derHeart
Posted by cactus on November 1, 2007, at 22:23:43
In reply to Redirect meds responses to Medications » cactus, posted by Deputy 10derHeart on November 1, 2007, at 21:53:01
Posted by Daisym on November 1, 2007, at 22:36:23
In reply to *Triggers* about suicide?, posted by cactus on November 1, 2007, at 19:17:48
I was very shocked when suicidal thoughts and feelings showed up - I always thought I could handle anything. I've wrestled with them for a number of years now. What I think I know about it, for me, is two fold. 1) These thoughts are "old" - I wanted the abuse to stop happening so I would pray that God would take me in my sleep. I was probably too young to be suicidal but I wanted to die. Different yet the same. 2) Suicide represents control for me as my life spins out of control. I can decide the most basic thing - am I facing another day or not?
My therapist calls it my escape hatch - the fantasy that I have a way out. He only gets nervous when I go into that cold, planning mode. The thoughts are around often, I don't dismiss them exactly, but I do keep them pushed down.
Do you have anything, besides medication, that works to distract you from the thoughts? Or can you challenge them?
I'm sorry you are suffering this way. I've come to believe that suicide is seductive and a hard thing to break away from obsessing about.
Posted by cactus on November 1, 2007, at 22:51:47
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide? » cactus, posted by Daisym on November 1, 2007, at 22:36:23
Thanks Daisym, I do have things to help keep it under control but when it gets like this I just can't stop it no matter what I try. I totally understand the cold calculating thoughts, I have them too, but why can't I stop them. Is it a romantic notion that I could just stop it all now, or is it more complex than that. It sounds so stupid just even writing about it but, I'm just plain over everything.
Posted by Daisym on November 2, 2007, at 0:07:55
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide? » Daisym, posted by cactus on November 1, 2007, at 22:51:47
I know. But this is where you have to reach for the vague possibility that the future holds something that you will be sad to miss. And that there are people who would miss you. Or maybe, even more than miss you - who really needs you? You just don't know what things you are supposed to be around for to put in motion. I like to think of the ripple effect - you help someone and maybe they help someone else and so on.
It is hard. I know that. Believe me. When I get tired of fighting all the memories and the various and sundry folks who need stuff from me, the first thing I want to do is sit in my closet all day. The next thing is jump off the nearest bridge -- and I have several to choose from. So I'm not patting you on the head lightly and saying, "there, there." I know the struggle and the lure.
But fight it anyway.
Posted by cactus on November 2, 2007, at 1:57:51
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide? » cactus, posted by Daisym on November 2, 2007, at 0:07:55
i get the feeling that you know exactly where I'm coming from. Some days when I feel like this I make sure I don't walk near any bridges either.
Posted by Sigismund on November 2, 2007, at 2:06:15
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide? » Daisym, posted by cactus on November 1, 2007, at 22:51:47
Do you think that the idea of suicide occurs as a response to consciousness and psychic freedom
(to say nothing about the terrible situations in which we sometimes find ourselves)?You know that saying 'In the end nothing matters'?
If that is true of the consequences of suicide, then it might also be true of the feelings that lead to the obsessing about it?
But then again it might not.
Posted by cactus on November 2, 2007, at 3:52:20
In reply to The fantasy that I have a way out., posted by Sigismund on November 2, 2007, at 2:06:15
Who really knows the answer to that question, is it a fantasy or a solution for the more ultra sensitive people like myself. By the way I was up your way for the last 10 days for a wedding, I love the northern river. I stayed in Brunswick Heads. God's country
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 2, 2007, at 5:18:27
In reply to Re: The fantasy that I have a way out. » Sigismund, posted by cactus on November 2, 2007, at 3:52:20
zoloft-buddy,
I am so dreadfully sorry that your meds have given up on youmed-wise, maybe a mood stabilizer would help with the racing thoughts.
I was on the verge of psychotic break last night. PTSD flasbacks occuring at breakneck speed and the unbearable pain of being alive. I wanted to end it all. ALL. And nobody cared about me.
Maybe in a few days I'll experience that as an illusion and recognize it in my heart for what it is- a sinister, seductive voice that only adds to my pain, offering me nothing in return. Death is literally NOTHING.
(((((cactus)))))) you are wonderful and I would miss you dearly
-Ll
Posted by JoniS on November 2, 2007, at 7:05:38
In reply to *Triggers* about suicide?, posted by cactus on November 1, 2007, at 19:17:48
Cactus
I'm so sorry you constantly struggle with this. I figt the feelsings a lot too, but don't think they are as frequent as yours. Dont mean to be cliche, but what seems to help me most is keeping my mind occupied on work, or reading, or something.
Sorry there isn't something I could offer to help.
Thinking of you.
(((((cactus)))))
Joni
Posted by B2chica on November 2, 2007, at 8:45:50
In reply to *Triggers* about suicide?, posted by cactus on November 1, 2007, at 19:17:48
(((((cactus)))))
wow, can i relate.
it scares me especially now that i have a littleone. i thought that just seeing her pic or being with her would help but last weekend i found out it doesnt'.
somedays like last weekend its because of depression and feeling worthless, stupid...that i'm better off dead...etc.; sometimes i just want to stop existing.
and other days like the last few days (even though i'm not feeling overly depressed)
its like i have this little voice in my mind telling me (angrily and with full assuradness these things...
"it's not IF but WHEN".
" when you DO die it WILL be of your own hand.
"it is your destiny to die this way"
"face it, you WILL give in eventually"
"dont' fight it"these are SO hard to fight off after a while...it's tiring. and sometimes i don't have the strength.
i very much feel someday i will give in to these pounding words...but i will fight like h@ll not too.
i hope you will too.
hang on tight.
if i ever gain insight to end this rumination...i'll share it with you all.b2c.
Posted by Squiggles on November 2, 2007, at 8:49:50
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide? » cactus, posted by B2chica on November 2, 2007, at 8:45:50
Well, if you care to, take a look
at Nom dePlume's site, and his new book;
i just found it -- it might help.Squiggles
Posted by Phillipa on November 2, 2007, at 12:27:40
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide? » B2chica, posted by Squiggles on November 2, 2007, at 8:49:50
Cactus hope you're okay or better today. Such a battle. Phillipa
Posted by happyflower on November 2, 2007, at 13:41:08
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide?, posted by Phillipa on November 2, 2007, at 12:27:40
Hi Catus,
I hope you are okay today. It must be very frightening to feel this way, but everyone is right, you gotta fight. Don't let it win .
Posted by DAisym on November 2, 2007, at 13:55:18
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide? » cactus, posted by B2chica on November 2, 2007, at 8:45:50
There have been times when I came to believe that my children would be better off without me. I wrote about it here and a Babbler, who lost her mother to suicide, gave me the view from the "other side." I've never forgotten how she was still grieving all these years later and still asking the question, "why did you leave me? Wasn't I *enough* to keep you here?"
As hard as it is, do not underestimate the meaning your daughter would make of it. And as unfair and cruel as it feels to have someone lay this on you, it is the truth.
I hate this truth. It makes me angry and fills me with despair sometimes. I dismiss it, push it aside, rationalize it. But when you get down to it, I can't escape the fact that I'd be abandoning my children - I'm not done yet. And isn't that a huge part of what makes me feel this way? If my parents didn't/couldn't love me, who could/can?
Do we really want to keep this cycle going?
Believe me, even knowing all of this, the fight is super hard. Facing another day, getting through another week - I'm exhausted. So I can't say with certainty, "I'll never take my own life." But still, I know why I shouldn't.
I hope you know that too.
Posted by Sigismund on November 2, 2007, at 14:47:18
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide? » cactus, posted by B2chica on November 2, 2007, at 8:45:50
Typically as people age their perspective shifts from nurture to nature.
Sometimes now it seems that (allowing for obvious mismatches) I have become my mother, especially when I feel agitated, depressed and doomed.
At such times too I find myself repeating to myself (why? nervous tic? so I can be someone else?) 'Declan just shot himself'.
The older I get the less I feel sure about why one feels the way one does.
One thing you can do is be kind to yourself without being too indulgent.
I dunno.
Posted by cactus on November 2, 2007, at 19:17:44
In reply to Re: The fantasy that I have a way out. » cactus, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 2, 2007, at 5:18:27
thanks Li, it means a lot. I called my all loving pdoc yesterday and for the first time he was very harsh with me saying this isn't a med problem anymore it's got to be worked through with a T. I really hate taking meds but at the moment I'll take anything that will make this go away. I'm going down to my sisters for the weekend, she lives about an hour away by the beach. Maybe I'll just sit on the sand and contemplate where I'm at!!!!! I took extra Zoloft yesterday and more again today to give myself a boost which is stupid but maybe it will snap this relentless onslaught, peace out hon!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for your kind words. MWAH!!!!
Posted by cactus on November 2, 2007, at 19:23:29
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide? » cactus, posted by B2chica on November 2, 2007, at 8:45:50
B2chica you couldn't have put it more succinctly!!!!
"it's not IF but WHEN".
" when you DO die it WILL be of your own hand.
"it is your destiny to die this way"
"face it, you WILL give in eventually"
"dont' fight it"That is exactly how I feel, I'm so sorry you feel this way too. Well there isn't much else to say except that I'm going away for a couple of days to chill on the beach with my sis, still too cold to go swimming yet in my part of the down under world, but thanks again for your kind words and thought's. Peace hon
Posted by cactus on November 2, 2007, at 19:32:46
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide?, posted by Sigismund on November 2, 2007, at 14:47:18
thanks to all of you who replied, I don't want to break the 3 posts in a row rule now, or I might get blocked, oohhh scary. Anyway I like to thank dasiym, sigs and all the others who wrote kind words of wisdom and were there for me. Luv ya's all. Get sigsimund to translate that one for you, although it's not too hard really. Peace peoples
Posted by Poet on November 3, 2007, at 15:40:43
In reply to *Triggers* about suicide?, posted by cactus on November 1, 2007, at 19:17:48
Hi Cactus,
I think about suicide often. My therapist says that it comforts me that I have an escape plan if things get so bad I can't take it anymore.
This past week someone that I don't know made it to the local papers for commiting suicide in the exact way I have planned it. How horrible for her family and for her, I know I would just want to quietly go into that gentle night without someone reporting it.
I am not suicidal right now, I can't say about the future, but right now I am doing okay despite the trigger of this past week.
Poet
Posted by Squiggles on November 3, 2007, at 15:49:27
In reply to Triggers Suicide » cactus, posted by Poet on November 3, 2007, at 15:40:43
Being cornerned in your life choices can
make you feel suicidal -- no way out, and
too depressed or tired to find a way out.
Those times are good times to actually
get out of the situation and do something
different for a while. There are two things
that keep me from doing it, besides the thought
of what grief it would bring to my parents--
that you may screw up the method and end up so broken physically or mentally that you wouldn't
have a chance to try it again, and lithium. I don't think i would be alive today without lithium.Squiggles
Posted by B2chica on November 5, 2007, at 10:20:19
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide? » B2chica, posted by DAisym on November 2, 2007, at 13:55:18
thank you daisy....yes. i DO need to remember it from the other side.
i still think of my friend that died that way...i still think...if only...and why...
she had three children.
i guess i keep thinking...she did. her kids survived...
but i'm not in their lives, so i dont know....but after this weekend. i know that if i left, my daughter would not be cared for as she needs. my DH just would never give her all i want for her. NOBODY can.
as MUCH as i feel i want to give in...i know i can't...sometimes (im not sure if this makes sense) but sometimes when i think that...that i KNOW i can't. it makes me worse. :(but i want you to know i DO appreciate you saying what you said.
b2c.
Posted by B2chica on November 5, 2007, at 10:22:10
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide?, posted by Sigismund on November 2, 2007, at 14:47:18
>> At such times too I find myself repeating to myself (why? nervous tic? so I can be someone else?) 'Declan just shot himself'.
what??
Declan's dead?
when...
sh@t
Posted by Squiggles on November 5, 2007, at 11:08:44
In reply to Re: *Triggers* about suicide? » Sigismund, posted by B2chica on November 5, 2007, at 10:22:10
> >> At such times too I find myself repeating to myself (why? nervous tic? so I can be someone else?) 'Declan just shot himself'.
>
> what??
> Declan's dead?
> when...
> sh@tIs there going to be any information about
this person, and his life? From the posts,
i think he was struggling with his medication
and having little success.It's kind of hard living on the net.
Squiggles
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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