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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dory on October 30, 2007, at 7:52:28
i am not sorry. Some people are sick of me and my main issue. There is an expression where i am from "tough t*t." (it comes from the instances where a suckling animal choses an unproductive or "tough" teat, so the phrase means the same basically as touch luck for you, life ain't fair, too bad, etc)
it's hurtful when i find out stuff like that. i'm doing the best that i can. It's been 6yrs of increasing problems with the last 3 being a nightmare. i'm broken down. My T says i need to talk about this as much as possible with people so that i can start to believe in myself...and so i am going to continue... no apologies.
today is better in the sense that i don't feel suicidal or quite as much self-hatred. i am disoriented and having trouble getting daily stuff done. i am deeply depressed.
i have called T twice and both times he has been magnificant. Very gentle and supportive. He helps remind me why i am doing this and he told me that **anyone** in my situation would find it intolerable and would **need** to make the same choices. JUst hearing his voice, especially in gentle mode, is very reassuring.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on October 30, 2007, at 10:10:42
In reply to no apologies, posted by Dory on October 30, 2007, at 7:52:28
Dory- no apologies necessary. This is a support board, and I hope that people can support you and all you're going through. There are many ways to provide and accept support though. Sometimes my T has given me a supportive kick in the butt. Sometimes my h has said get your *ss off the couch, in an effort to support me. Did I resist? you betcha! were they right? you betcha
Having said that, you should be extra gentle with yourself right now. Things are all out of sorts and it will take some time to get back to baseline. Once you get back to baseline then you can figure out where your baseline is and how to move it in different directions. but that's not the main focus for now.
hugs,
-Ll
Posted by B2chica on October 30, 2007, at 10:50:43
In reply to no apologies, posted by Dory on October 30, 2007, at 7:52:28
i am Certainly not sick of you OR your issues.
you post here whenever about Whatever you need!yes...today is a better day. for both of us my friend.
i am happy to hear your T is giving you what you need.
Posted by rskontos on October 30, 2007, at 11:59:34
In reply to no apologies, posted by Dory on October 30, 2007, at 7:52:28
Dory, no one is tired of you. I am glad your T helped you and answered your calls. He is a good one. Like B2C and Llurpsie said this is a board to vent your problems, etc on and that is what you are doing and we are listening. No apologizes needed. Keep the fight and be strong. YOu are doing good and I am glad today is better. take care, we all care!!!!! rk
Posted by Dory on October 30, 2007, at 22:36:19
In reply to Re: no apologies, posted by rskontos on October 30, 2007, at 11:59:34
You guys are so great. :) Thank you.
this is a repeat issue but i can't help it.. i don't even know why it's such an issue... no, wait, i don't understand why it *isn't* more of an issue to others.. which alerts me that it may be important in a deeper way that i don't understand.
i start feeling angry and hurt at T.. i mean, yeah, he could feel bad when hearing a bad story.. but i start to feel like he's teasing me.. giving me glimpses of caring that i can't have. i cannot get past the rules of the relationship, or the paid-for caring. i want to.. i want to believe he means it when he says that what i tell him makes him feel really awful inside. i want to believe that dangling lure of caring. i want it so bad... but i can't.
it's just too much... if i care, then i have to be ok with knowing it will end, and i am not ok with losing someone i care about. If he cares... i just don't know what that means... i can't make it fit into my definition of caring **and** into a client/fee based relationship.
i can't make it make sense to me.
i mean.. i run the very real risk of losing everything now.. which includes T.. so, if i did lose everything, if i could no longer see him... what would happen? Where does my fragile little heart belong in that equation?
but he still lures me... he has what i want. i want someone to care, listen, laugh.. i want someone to understand the darker side of my life.. i want someone to feel what he says he felt.. not because i want him to be ill, but because it means something... it means what i said happened might really be bad afterall.. maybe it's not the "nothing" i thought.
so confused
Posted by antigua3 on October 31, 2007, at 6:42:07
In reply to struggling w T caring, posted by Dory on October 30, 2007, at 22:36:19
I know it's so hard. So hard to trust that this person isn't going to hurt you, and so hard to accept that you can't have what you want. But keep working at it, and you will discover something that is better than what you wanted. You will discover yourself, and you will have the support, love and caring in a way that is most helpful to you. that is what I hope for you. It took me years with my T, and I'm an entirely different, stronger person and I know it may sound so unbelievable right now, but you will learn to carry him with you--and sometimes, at least for me, that has been the best gift of all.
Keep posting; keep sharing and opening up with your T.
all my best,
antigua
Posted by B2chica on October 31, 2007, at 7:56:17
In reply to struggling w T caring, posted by Dory on October 30, 2007, at 22:36:19
Dory, i'm not sure how long you've been in therapy. but from my experience, this was an Extreme issue for me in the beginning. i wanted my first therapist to just sit me down and say...ok B2, this is how therapy works. and walk me through the whole process explaining what i needed to say and explain his responses.....
this never happened. infact he was the least structured one i've ever had. this was SOOO NOT what i needed. (but for other reasons as well).
it may help if you go to him and tell him that you are feeling unsettled about the whole concept of therapy.i guess i do have a little different view (maybe more cynical) but i REALLY liked my last T...but i New before i started that he would be leaving. that it would end. it was hard but it also fit into my life's pattern. though typically i am betrayed by someone and then they are out of my life. this time it was a healthy departure...it was so terribly hard...but it felt right.
and sometimes, we even outgrow our therapists. and i think if i had stayed with old T too much longer that would have happened. i think i NEEDED to find this one, her approach is so different, but SO what i need. she found things that old T didn't. (my inner's).anyway. long story short. you have quite a ways in therapy. he's not going anywhere. even when a few years down the line and you feel you are done with thearpy...my T told me, she's still there for "as needed visits". So don't even think about the termination process yet. because although it maybe be tough...you will know when you are ready. and it will all be ok.
**********************
and wow...what you said in your last paragraph...reminds me SOOOO much of my last T. he WAS the person to just listen, to care, to laugh, to distract when i needed. he totally understood that 'dark' part of me and didnt try to change it. and he tried not to comment about how 'terrible' the abuse was but there was one time i'll never forget that he did. and his words....they were just what i needed.
if someone says it over and over, i tend not to believe him, so for him to say it...strongly....and only once in almost a different context. is when it hit home. those words have meant more to me than anything.Dory all this crap is Terribly confusing. it's disheartening, its maddening, its crazy-making, and its sad. but we NEED to explore these emotions about it, not just the abuse itself.
your T sounds good. but its what's in your gut that matters.
listen to that.and just to reiterate...your T is right. it wasn't 'nothing'.
Posted by Dory on October 31, 2007, at 8:19:14
In reply to Re: struggling w T caring » Dory, posted by antigua3 on October 31, 2007, at 6:42:07
trusting someone AT ALL is hard, trusting they won't hurt me? well, that isn't really on my radar yet... Yet. i have caught him "parenting" in a way.. haven't said anything yet, but he was definitely doing it. Not liking that. i mean, i like the feelings, but not the concept. i am the person who squirms away when i get hugged in a "parental" way... i'm not sure how to explain it.. i'm just so damn pig-headed that i don't like to be told what to do and anything that has even a trace of "parent" in it feels like that's what it is.
Sneaky T... tsk tsk tsk. Thing is, i will tell him i see what he is doing.. not yet, but soon. i always do. He actually laughs when i catch him "doing therapy" with me.. if he ever uses "therapy phrases" i just give him a look and he sheepishly backs off.
my pdoc thought i'd have a hard time with most T's b/c i out-think them... i'm good with my radar, it's like a mental/emotion detector.. and i put a stop to things i can read like a book... or amuse myself by playing with them. i know, bad me. But T is different.. i **never** play games with him. i never toy with him. i like him too much, and i see the honesty in what he is doing. i think that makes all the difference, honesty. He has never gotten defensive about things he shouldn't have done, bad choices, etc... he always says that soemtimes he'll mess up... so he admits that openly. i HATE it when someone tries to excuse or cover up their behaviour.. i can see through that.
Posted by Dory on October 31, 2007, at 8:37:48
In reply to Re: struggling w T caring, posted by B2chica on October 31, 2007, at 7:56:17
you're a doll B2.. i say it over and over, not because the others here are not wonderful people, because they are, but because i think you need to hear it over and over. Take your eyes off of the abyss and look into an emotional mirror.. see your true self reflected back. (book recommendation: "how to see yourself as you really are" by The Dalai Lama)
this T and i frequently return to the he-me relationship discussion... and i think we need to do it again. i drift away from the connection easily and with all this crap going on... well, i need connection more than before.
he doesn't explain the here's-what-we-do thing mostly because he doesn't have a structure like that.. i think i would revolt against too much structure.. he is allowing me to define what structure i need and i like that. But it also means that sometimes i end up in deeper water alone.. it's a trade-off i guess. But he is a good T and he never ceases to surprise me.. i know as soon as i say i need help with this he will be right there.
he says he finds me challenging, but in a good way. i am grateful because i know he likes that and then i can relax that i am not boring him. i know he likes the fact that i think on this stuff a lot, so it's not the same-old same-old and it's not short-sighted so much.. you know, the middle aged man who just now realizes he won't be president or something. i'm not dull (with my purple and blue hair).. he has to mind his P's and Q's.
he said i should write sitcoms actually.. which i thought was an odd thing to say. i think he meant it as a compliment but i hate sitcoms.
"it wasn't 'nothing'..."
i want that. i want to *believe* in that. but for 32 yrs i have believed it was nothing. i was told it was nothing. People knew and did nothing. It was brushed aside so no one would cause a fuss, no need to have the neighbours know. What would the church people think? What would other parents think? What would the town think? No, no, no... we mustn't have that. Ssshhhhhhh... nothing happened and we're all ok. :|
Posted by Dory on October 31, 2007, at 8:41:39
In reply to Re: no apologies » Dory, posted by llurpsienoodle on October 30, 2007, at 10:10:42
((((Ll))) you know, i felt attached to you the very first time i saw your name b/c i thought you had my kind of sense of humour. :)
thank you Ll.. i wasn't referring really to anyone here, or anyone specific.. if i have doubts i ask the people in question.. but overall, around me IRL i know people are sick of it... maybe here too. it's hard to say something new to the same issue..
Posted by Dory on October 31, 2007, at 8:45:53
In reply to Re: no apologies, posted by rskontos on October 30, 2007, at 11:59:34
each day is a little better.. but it will be a long time crossing this desert (god i hope i spelled that right b/c i mean dry/sandy not cake/frosting). i have a better sense of humour when depressed.. it's my defense mechanism. Let's hope it's sufficient. It hasn't been.. generally, each night i drink myself stupid, then take a bunch of benzo's and pass out. i have been isolating myself.. it hasn't lead to SI yet, but that's a coin toss.
Posted by B2chica on October 31, 2007, at 11:20:32
In reply to Re: struggling w T caring » B2chica, posted by Dory on October 31, 2007, at 8:37:48
> "it wasn't 'nothing'..."
>
> i want that. i want to *believe* in that. but for 32 yrs i have believed it was nothing. i was told it was nothing. People knew and did nothing. It was brushed aside so no one would cause a fuss, no need to have the neighbours know. What would the church people think? What would other parents think? What would the town think? No, no, no... we mustn't have that. Ssshhhhhhh... nothing happened and we're all ok. :|...ok, i don't know if im more sad for this or angry for this. but either way...i understand.
God forbid we show anything but how 'perfect' our families were.
..."How Dare you spread YOUR 'dirty laundry' and "made up stories" to someone outside the family!
"your just stirring up trouble",
"don't dwell on the past, you'll just make yourself worse"....
"how can ONE person have SO many problems!"
"i think all of your problems are in your Head!"
"you create your own depression, just think positively" (that was one of my fav's)
i could go on. but these are some of what i've heard over the years.
and mind you...they don't even know what i'm talking about in therapy...not even a clue. just imagine what i'd hear if they did know....nope, it will never be emotionally safe for me to tell anyone in my family. including my DH.i truly wish better luck for you sweet one.
and to HELL with "what the neighbors think!". i remember hearing a phrase on a tv show once and it sticks with me whenever i want to quit therapy... "the abuser keeps their power by keeping the victim quiet."
just telling, turns the tables..YOU have the power dory...always remember that.
Posted by Dory on October 31, 2007, at 20:34:17
In reply to Re: struggling w T caring » Dory, posted by B2chica on October 31, 2007, at 11:20:32
what you said made me shudder... about not talking outside of the house about anything.. even small sh*t, ordinary teenager angst.. can't talk to anyone because someone might think they're bad parents, etc. My family never tried to be "perfect".. but **nothing** was to be said ouside the house about **anything.** It was actually the opposite.. they were convinced we were not as good as other people and so no one should ever know anything. Anything that happened had to be covered up so as not to make things worse.
it's weird.. i wasn't allowed to have friends over.. anyone who came had to stay in the porch.
i bet you know "the look" too right? The one that was as good as a smack in the side of the head... that told you that you had said too much to someone... and about nothing. Imagine if it had been something. Yeah, something. Hmmmm.
Posted by B2chica on November 1, 2007, at 7:42:33
In reply to Re: struggling w T caring » B2chica, posted by Dory on October 31, 2007, at 20:34:17
the thought of that look, makes me feel about 2" tall.
mine was a bit different but felt the same. my look (also as good as a smack on the head). i'd usually get it Before i'd say anything...that's why i rarely talked. which would make her smile and then talk for me.
and later on, the look usually meant she was twisting things in her mind again...(you little liar, you like to make up lies so people think i'm a terrible mother, i don't know what you'd do if you actually had a bad mother)...ya...i wonder.
that look id get mostly around my dad...she wouldn't even show that rage around my brother. so only my dad and i knew what she could REALLY be like. her look lasting 5 seconds could bring on 12 different kinds of shame, guilt for breathing and feeling worthless and completely invalid.
This is the end of the thread.
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