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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dory on October 25, 2007, at 10:37:57
... i think it is anyway. i appreciate all the input last night. i see my T this afternoon (4hrs, 23min, but who's counting?) and i am figuring that tonight will be the night that i have to face the music. No, i still have no idea what to do.
which trade-off is better or worse? Self-respect traded for stability? Massive anxiety traded for long term fear? One sort of peace of mind for another? The devil you know and the devil you don't. That is what i have.
i am sorry to nonchatters for being so cryptic.
Posted by arora on October 25, 2007, at 11:57:51
In reply to today is the day, posted by Dory on October 25, 2007, at 10:37:57
Good luck, Dory.
I hope your session is helpful, and things are ok this evening, and that it all works out for you.arora
Posted by B2chica on October 25, 2007, at 12:29:08
In reply to today is the day, posted by Dory on October 25, 2007, at 10:37:57
((((())))DORY(((()))))
those are hugs for before and after your session!...we're here....you are strong.
Posted by rskontos on October 25, 2007, at 19:10:15
In reply to today is the day, posted by Dory on October 25, 2007, at 10:37:57
Good luck Dory, with T and with your issue. You are strong, remember that! rk
Posted by Dory on October 25, 2007, at 19:17:35
In reply to today is the day, posted by Dory on October 25, 2007, at 10:37:57
(((((((((My T))))))))))
he is so good. and damn him, he **almost** had me cry!!! i don't cry often, i never cry in front of people unless it's a pretty extreme situation... to almost have me cry in a quiet room with him sitting right there.. wow.. someone give this man an award. Why can't he just do a good job but be completely unlikable?
session went well, if you define the above as well.. it was hard. The thing i hate about this the most is that it's an hour.. how the f*ck am i supposed to do any of this in an hour? i can't even explain anything in an hour, much less do the lead-in and decompress after... or the much needed processing during. i feel like i am having surgery in parts... part one cut open... leave open and bleeding for week.. part two, cut into painful organs and leave open for another week.. repeat until patient is cured or dead.
we talked about my recent past... the past several years have been rough. It's going to take some time to wade through... it was so painful to talk about, more painful to have to stop an hour after starting. i need to dig into the things that happened to me, what was right, wrong, my fault, someone else's fault... why it happened and why i let it happen.
i have real problems.. it's that thing again, sometimes i know something is wrong somehow, but i feel responsible so that overrides any ability to protect myself or stop it from happening again and again.
and he did something important... he gave it a name. He said that i don't need to defend that name to anyone... especially people who think "it's not that bad." He said i don't have to justify how i feel to **anyone** and it's not my issue if they don't understand. He said.. this is hard... he said that it would be harder to come up with reasons why i would *not* feel as i do... it was easy for him to understand why i felt so much pain and anguish and fear.
he said that comparisons to other things were irrelevant the best of times, but in this case he felt what i went through was as bad as any other "version" of it.. he said "..in fact, it's worse because it's so much easier to dismiss it." Amen.
i'm sorry. i don't mean to go on like that.. i don't want to hold it up like some weird banner.. i am just in disbelief you know? It's a news flash to me. i'm repeating it trying to make myself grasp it.
don't know how tonight is going to go.
Posted by RealMe on October 25, 2007, at 22:23:12
In reply to Re: today is the day, posted by Dory on October 25, 2007, at 19:17:35
Hooray Dory; your T is absolutely right about the type of abuse. My mother really did a number on me, and I still defend her with T. The sexual and physical abuse was horrible, but I have to accept that my mother had her way of crazy-making behavior. I just want to be able to keep in mind the good as well as the bad of most people in my life. It is really hard when it comes to my brother, but there were some good times before he got really crazy and violent.
RealMe
Posted by Dory on October 26, 2007, at 1:41:25
In reply to Re: today is the day, posted by Dory on October 25, 2007, at 19:17:35
i was right.. tonight was the night
i am barely able to think
so tired
i have left two messages for T
Posted by rskontos on October 26, 2007, at 9:22:13
In reply to it happened, posted by Dory on October 26, 2007, at 1:41:25
Dory, Be strong Dory. You can do this.....I know it is hard but in the end you will be better. Hang in there. You have made it this far. Remember that all of us babblers are fighters, we are survivors, we have our problems but our strength is we get through some of the worst things that can happen to people with our sanity. We don't go crazy we get messed up but we don't lose it. That is the beauty of us. The beauty of you too. You will win. It will not be easy as the road you have travelled to this place has not be a picnic but you made it and are a stronger lovely woman with strengths that most people only dream to have. I feel for you. We all do. Rest if you can, regroup be easy on you, but remember you can get through this. You will be better. Even though I have not been in chat I think I know what you are going through. And if so, I know you can do it. We will be here to help support you and if I am wrong well we will still be here. Let me know what I can do to help. You are not alone. rk
Posted by B2chica on October 26, 2007, at 11:23:38
In reply to Re: it happened, posted by rskontos on October 26, 2007, at 9:22:13
>>>he said that comparisons to other things were irrelevant the best of times, but in this case he felt what i went through was as bad as any other "version" of it.. he said "..in fact, it's worse because it's so much easier to dismiss it." Amen.
ahhh this is a wise T dory. he is SO right with this.
and i also wanted to tell you i understand about the pain of open wounds the way you described. cuz when i very first started seeing a T, its like by the last 10 min of session i would finally start to explore things, but then left with gaping wound that i didn't know how to close. and i did know how to tell T this. it felt like a band-aid was ripped off during session and it slowly healed through the week and then was ripped open again. at this point sessions actually made life worse. it was when i Finally started seeing other T that he said it was safest for me to see him twice a week (or more if needed) to get through it. i don't know if that is an option for you or not. but i know that emotionally i Never would have gotten as far in therapy as i did if i hadn't seen a T more than once a week. there was too much emotion bottled up.
you did good Dory!
Posted by Dinah on October 26, 2007, at 13:22:01
In reply to it happened, posted by Dory on October 26, 2007, at 1:41:25
I hope you got some peace from making the decision. I have confidence that whatever decision you made, you can make it work for you.
Posted by Dory on October 26, 2007, at 20:47:43
In reply to Re: it happened » Dory, posted by Dinah on October 26, 2007, at 13:22:01
i got 3 hrs sleep. so dazed. T called just after 8am, he was worried and did his best to calm me.. but what could he do really? He gave me suggestions to keep myself calm and hang onto to what i needed to... he told me i did a really good job to stand my ground. i told him that resolve was very flimsy and it isn't over yet. Part 2 is this weekend. A light breeze would tear me down.
he and i both know i have to choose between two paths and both of them are through razor-wire. i'm going to suffer either way. He seemed a bit sad about that..
thank you for talking with me... this is exactly what i need right now. T said the more i can share it with other people, the more feedback i get then the more i will be able to believe it myself.
Posted by RealMe on October 27, 2007, at 0:53:25
In reply to Re: it happened, posted by Dory on October 26, 2007, at 20:47:43
Dory,
I am thinking about you even if I don't post so much. I hope you find what is best for you and most healthy for you. I do care.
RealMe
Posted by Dory on October 27, 2007, at 14:02:47
In reply to Re: it happened » Dory, posted by RealMe on October 27, 2007, at 0:53:25
no sleep... lots of no sleep i am exhausted my eyes feel like they have been sand-papered can't sleep, can't think
feeling sick
ice cold in my veins
heart races
no eating
fat bitch anyway unattractive fat bitch
no one will ever want you
you never did anything to deserve love
hatred
don't EVER get close
EVER
EVER
EVERyou can't make it, don't even try you have nothing, you are nothing
nothing
nothing
nothing
Posted by rskontos on October 27, 2007, at 16:59:48
In reply to Re: it happened, posted by Dory on October 27, 2007, at 14:02:47
((((((((((((((((((((Dory))))))))))))))))
Dory, Dory, Dory,
You are NOT any of those things. No bitch, no fat, no unattractive. What you are is strong, attractive, independent, caring, wonderful person that we all adore and care about. How could we be wrong. Those other people in your life are wrong not us. You need to rest and take care so you feel better. You DO DESERVE LOVE. What would you tell me or anyone else that said this, you would tell us we deserve it and SO DO YOU!!! Dory we care about you and I feel your pain and despair. But you are not the pain and despair. You are still the great caring person underneath that. It doesn't change you. You had a bad relationship, but it doesn't change that you are everything I said you are. Just because something went south doesn't mean it is because you are bad no it is because it wasn't to work out. It was the wrong situation for you not because you are wrong and unworthy. You are worthy. You are strong underneath the pain and unhappy feelings. You can feel the depression and despair and still rise above it. You can overcome this with rest and understanding that you are the sum of a failed experience in life. You are who you are not what you do. You will prevail and rise above this. I know you can. I believe in you and all you are and the person I have seen help others. Believe it too. rk
Posted by Dory on October 27, 2007, at 18:16:42
In reply to Re: it happened, posted by Dory on October 27, 2007, at 14:02:47
i'm just so afraid now. My whole world is changing. Going to lose so much... i don't care about the stuff around me, i care about losing my stability.. my sanity.. my little home i made for myself.. my T. Oh god.. i am so afraid of losing my T
i'm sorry about the rant.. i'm sorry.. i'm just a mess
so what do i do to help myself? when i am afraid of losing all that matters to me? i spend a bunch of money. Money i can't afford. :( what the hell is the matter with me? i have no way to make a living so i blow the little money i do have
what do i do when i am feeling unattractive? i eat. emotional eating. i feel fat.. even though i fit in regular sizes again.. i feel like i am 300lbs
you guys are very kind.. i appreciate it. i am so scared.
i feel sick.. all i have had to eat is junk.. i never eat junk.. i can't seem to stop doing everything wrong... everything i can do to hurt myself i am doing... is this any better than SI?
what do i do? how do i survive without destroying what i have? i don't want to fall into dangerous behaviours like i did last winter.. the SI, the dangerous places, dangerous people, falling down drunk on the street, not knowing what i have done the night before...
wtf is wrong with me?
Posted by I need a hug on October 27, 2007, at 21:45:53
In reply to Re: it happened, posted by Dory on October 27, 2007, at 18:16:42
I'm just a "newbie" and I don't know you like the others do, but I do know this..."YOU ARE A MUCH BETTER PERSON THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE." Don't be so hard on yourself. Hang in there.
Posted by Dinah on October 28, 2007, at 11:20:07
In reply to Re: it happened, posted by Dory on October 27, 2007, at 18:16:42
Well, I certainly know the overeating and overspending method of mood regulation. :(
Do you have anything on hand from your pdoc? I find Risperdal quite helpful at times like this. It's hard to plan when your brain is racing.
And planning is a good place to put all the excess energy right now. Your therapist can help you with that, I'm sure. And there are likely other resources around you, where you are, who can help you with the practicalities. It's scary to have so much uncertainty about the future. I think that's where a lot of my panic and despair come from sometimes.
When I have positive changes in my life circumstances, it's easy enough to spend time thinking of the practicalities. And isn't that what we immediately do? We get engaged and plan the wedding and where to live and whether we'll combine checking accounts or keep our names. We get a new job and plan what we'll wear to work and how we'll handle the new responsibilities. We find out we're expecting the child we've been hoping for and start looking at the future nursery with an appraising eye.
It's a lot harder to focus on that in the wave of self doubt and second guessing and panic that come with the scarier changes, however good they may be for me in the larger sense. Which feeds itself as the fear about practicalities adds to my inability to think about them.
My therapist often has me imagine the worst case scenario, and reigns me in with the more fanciful ones by sensibly pointing out which ones are highly improbable if not entirely impossible and what would stop them from happening. Do you have a therapy appointment scheduled soon? How about other counseling resources available to you? Can you schedule an appointment with them? How about family? Is there anyone in your family you can talk to? You don't have to do it all at once. Is there one person you can think of whose job it is to advise on the financial aspects of the important things in your life?
I'm not saying you shouldn't think about the emotional component of this. I just think it would be easier to do that when the panic is separated from the reset and controlled.
(And it might be wise to make your credit cards and checkbook as unavailable as possible in the meantime. Write whatever checks you can to pay bills you know are coming up, and put your checks and credit cards in your safe deposit box, or someplace safe.)
Please take care of yourself, and have confidence in yourself. You made your decision with sufficient thought to all effects, and you made what was the best decision for you. God knows how often I'm frozen with indecision for fear of the consequences that come with any decision, because every choice does have consequences, so I do understand. But I think your making a decision is better in the long run. Frozen with indecision is not a good place to be.
I have confidence that you'll be ok in the long run. Just take care to stay safe in the short run, ok?
(I'm being pragmatic again, I know. And I'm sorry. But my experience in my own life is that turning my eyes to the mundane does help with the rest. After Katrina, everyone was panicking and imagining the worst, and I, neurotic Dinah, was actually the one who was able to gently focus the people around me to help them not make crazy panicked decisions. My family didn't make any irreversible decisions. I was able to counter the most exaggerated fears of my bosses, and encourage them not to do anything rash and to mitigate as best as possible the more likely consequences.)
Posted by Dory on October 28, 2007, at 21:39:56
In reply to Re: it happened » Dory, posted by Dinah on October 28, 2007, at 11:20:07
thank you dinah.. your repsonse is very well thought-out.. i appreciate it.. i'm not good at thinking right now. oddly.
my family... *sigh. They love me, i think, in their own way.. well, some of them do.. but they are not a resource for me other than possible emergency food money or something like that. My relationship with and within my family is a lot of the reason i am in therapy when it comes down to it. i tell them as little as possible or i end up helping them "help" me.
i have an appt with someone at school who can give me guidance with logistics. She's a wonderful woman who has proven invaluable throughout the past couple of years. She is well aware of my situation. In fact.. she got me in with my first T and she knows my current one. She's had "experience" of her own with all of this. i trust her advice.
i've got klono..which is useless now. 6mg and nothing happens. pdoc said not to go above that. i may call him tomorrow and ask he switch me back to ativan.. i find it works better for me.
the fortunate thing is that i have spent months thinking about the logistics of different scenarios... the trouble is that i am too emotional to be very effective at anything.. the existing logistics are helpful. Nothing in my immediate world has to change - yet. It will, but i do have some time to figure out what and when.
one person.. finances.. i have no idea.. i don't know. i hope that woman i mentioned above can direct me.
i have a T appt on Tuesday, and i know i can call him if i need to. i needed him friday night and saturday, but no weekend access... what we have decided to do is focus on keeping me from fracturing.. keep my focus on what made this whole scenario unfold at all. i found the last session very helpful... it reconnected me with the pain... it reminded me in a visceral way why i am where i am. It's easy to disconnect with time and distance from events... easy to dismiss and forget. Reconnecting forced me to look again.
frozen with indecision is where i have been for over a year, more really... but a year of therapy frozen this way... it *is* an awful place to be.. the one and only good thing out of all of this right now... is that i feel a little bit free of the decision, just a bit but i think it's growing. If i were to change my decision right now, right this second, i could do so from a better place mentally... making that one HUGE decision made that difference. That is a little reassuring... to know that my head is clearer on that *one* thing.
remember that finger eleven song - "one thing?"
"If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be somethingEven though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds"
i am doing my best to stay safe.. it is a little easier this time around because i am in my own place. i did get permission to skip class friday, but otherwise i have stayed engaged with my schoolwork.. which is *very* different from before i started therapy. i tell my T that i am not a lover of CBT because i go backwards.. i need to address and take care of the vulnerable emotions and when i have a place for that i can do the cognitive stuff myself most of the time. Right now is overload.i went and did my photoshoot this morning, against the will of every cell in my body. i took my photographer out for brunch afterwards. i curl up in a ball on the corner of my bed in the corner of my room...
i just wish i had just one person, IRL, who would just hold me and let me cry
Posted by Dory on October 28, 2007, at 21:44:20
In reply to Re: it happened, posted by I need a hug on October 27, 2007, at 21:45:53
Huggy.. i have not been doing individual replies mostly because i am just drained.. but because you are new here i wanted to leave you a reply.. just so you know it's not a clique of any sort.
So, thank you. It's very kind of you to reach out to me. i appreciate it.
Posted by I need a hug on October 29, 2007, at 5:13:09
In reply to Re: it happened » I need a hug, posted by Dory on October 28, 2007, at 21:44:20
I didn't need or expect a reply. I just wanted to offer my support. The last thing you need to be bothered with is responding to my posts. Focus on whatever it is you need to do to feel better. Right now, that's all that matters. Until then, my thoughts are with you.
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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