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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rskontos on October 22, 2007, at 18:42:18
Well, I haven't been doing great but I was not in the darkest despair I had been when today an incident with the lady that works in the model home triggered a panic attack. Somehow my dog got out and ran up the street. I was calling her and usually she comes but the realtor up the street was trying to bring her back. She followed her back I guess to tell me she was in the road and somehow during that she triggered some memory of something bad in my childhood with my mother and I went into a panic attack. I grabbed the dogs and went in. She left. And I stayed in this mode even up to my T session. Of course my T realized it. We talked about it. I blurted out all kinds of things. Things we had been discussing on this site I guess were bothering me about therapy. One thing she had done about not calling me a while back , she kept apologizing and said she knew that had broken a level of trust for me. WOW.. She also knew I never had trust anyone really and she was so sorry she did that to me. WE discuss something else she had said that one of my voices took the wrong way, the inner troubles I was having with my inner kids. She said she knew they would have trouble with some things she said and I needed to always come to her with things I or they misunderstood. And I told her about the discussion my friend had and how I felt she needed a hug and I couldn't give her one. She understood how I can't hug right now and why. She told me she would never try to hug me but if I ever needed one to just ask. I acted like I didn't care but it meant so much. She said my trust issue for other people was big but the biggest issue was me trusting me and I knew that. We cleared up so much. She said she was surprised I shared so much so easily. I said it wasn't easily. I just had to because I had hidden it to long and was getting too depressed about it and dissocating too much and it was getting too hard to live. I told her I had been repressing memories which she said not too unless they are too hard then wait until we were together to deal with them. To try to just let them come. I told her how I can't go anywhere right now and she said that is ok. To talk to my inner kids and reassure them adult me can keep us safe but then if I still can't go in don't. What a relief. To try and go early in morning when other people are likely to be around. And I told we had another ballgame coming up and she gave me permission not to go. I am afraid I will have another case of panic or switching and I can't afford to do either in front of the people that are going. I am not fond of my H's friends that are going not really. The wife is ok but the Husband is not. If I can't get out of it I will fall apart. I just know it. Anyway like Scarlett O'Hara I will think about another day. I have one more T session before the game. I alternative today from feeling too much and this buzzing sound in my ears won't quit. And feeling down. Tomorrow will probably be worst. Thanks for listening. rk
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 22, 2007, at 20:00:41
In reply to Resolve did not last long.....panic attack today:(, posted by rskontos on October 22, 2007, at 18:42:18
I'm right there with you, RS. Here's hoping we can both figure out how to manage the anxiety and panic.
I'll be thinking about you.
Posted by RealMe on October 22, 2007, at 21:09:03
In reply to Resolve did not last long.....panic attack today:(, posted by rskontos on October 22, 2007, at 18:42:18
I know exactly what you are saying too. Sometimes I just have to blurt it out because if I think on it too much, I get more and more depressed and then angry and then there it is. Then sometimes I just panic, but mostly I have a sense of such deep inner loneliness, more than I can bare. I have to take notes right after my therapy, or I totally forget it. Too painful. Like you say. I meet with my T tomorrow too, and I find myself already numbing for the experience. I know this is not what to do, but if I don't, I start to get really anxious. Take care, and I hope it goes well tomorrow. Getting things out on the table helps our Therapists know what we struggle with even if it is only some of what we struggle with.
RealMe
Posted by JoniS on October 23, 2007, at 7:43:18
In reply to Resolve did not last long.....panic attack today:(, posted by rskontos on October 22, 2007, at 18:42:18
rskontos
Sorry you're having a rough time. I've suffered with panic attacks not so long ago so I know how paralyzing they can be. Sounds like your T is good and that work will get you through.
Best of luck to you.
Posted by rskontos on October 23, 2007, at 11:33:51
In reply to Re: Resolve did not last long.....panic attack today:( » rskontos, posted by TherapyGirl on October 22, 2007, at 20:00:41
Thanks TherapyGirl, you know they happen so quick it surprised me. And the support means alot! rk
Posted by rskontos on October 23, 2007, at 11:37:24
In reply to Re: Resolve did not last long.....panic attack today:( » rskontos, posted by RealMe on October 22, 2007, at 21:09:03
Realme, I tried really hard to get numb but the panic/anxiety wouldn't let me. I tried to go really deep and I would get there but the inner voices kept up the buzzing and brought back the panic/anxiety. I can't keep them quiet anymore even with the TV or radio on like I used to. My T says it the therapy itself plus the fact that after a while dissociation stops working. Yeah she saw alot of my stuff yesterday. I was a real mess. I kept wringing my hands. Today I am using TV to keep from thinking to much but underneath is the depression. My son is home sick so I have to maintain. Thanks for the support I am glad to know I am not alone but sad you guys are feeling like me :(
Posted by rskontos on October 23, 2007, at 11:39:13
In reply to Re: Resolve did not last long.....panic attack today:(, posted by JoniS on October 23, 2007, at 7:43:18
JoniS, Yes she is good. Good for me too. My inner voices are trying to convince me still not to trust her like she said but I am trying to stay strong. Panic attacks and all anxiety sucks. Thanks so very much for your support and I am sorry you have had them too hope you never have another one. rk
Posted by RealMe on October 23, 2007, at 22:06:16
In reply to Re: Resolve did not last long.....panic attack today:(, posted by rskontos on October 23, 2007, at 11:37:24
Actually it is better that you don't numb. It is a through back for me, and I wouldn't do it if I thought I would be okay. I have not said to T in so many words that I do this, but I think he knows. He keeps bringing up our relationship too, and it makes me feel so sad that I was never close to anyone growing up and trusted all the wrong people--better to be abused I guess I thought on some level than to have no one involved with me. Sounds sick when I say it. Starting to feel close to someone always starts to feel like it is about sex, men anyway, and then I despair because then I don't want anything to do with the person anymore after a point, at least it used to be that way. I would have sex with a guy, and then I would tire of him and send him on his way. To be close means no sex, and to have sex means no closeness. I know this is a huge issue, and my T know it is an issue for me from what I once wrote. How can I talk about this with him. It is so embarrassing, and then I start to dissociate. It still works some for me.
RealMe
Posted by rskontos on October 24, 2007, at 12:41:06
In reply to Re: Resolve did not last long.....panic attack today:( » rskontos, posted by RealMe on October 23, 2007, at 22:06:16
No realme, it doesn't sound sick. I understand. I can still dissociate some just once the panic attacks start I can't always. I realized now that is how I kept the attacks from happening was dissocaition. No I understand the sex thing perfectly. IN fact my T and I was discussing sex since my mom was raped and her allowing my grandfather to shape my sisters and my views on sex I was telling her how we were affected by his distorted words to us on sex. I always wondered where my weird views on sex came from and the knowledge my aunt gave me enlighted me. I always tried to be close to people through it but of course that doesn't work so I shut them down and they of course didn't understand it. I could always allow my body to be used but remain aloof to the process. I could send them on their merry way too and not care. I could dissociate from the whole thing. I never knew why I did it only that I did. I did talk about this some to my T and she understood it. I too dissociated while I talked about it to some degree to get through it out. I don't know how else right now to tell her some things. We can't help the way we were treated that led us to feel this way about something that should be natural to us but isn't because of the way we experienced life as a child so don't be embarrassed over something we did not create. Thanks for your words they mean alot to me. rk
Posted by happyflower on October 25, 2007, at 10:09:25
In reply to Re: Resolve did not last long....((realme, posted by rskontos on October 24, 2007, at 12:41:06
Hi Rk,
I am sorry you haveing a rough time right now. I haven't read all of the thread, it is kinda hard right now. But you have been such an awesome support to me, that I want you to know that I am here for you too. Take care RK, you will be okay.
This is the end of the thread.
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