![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on August 31, 2007, at 23:35:35
Scuze me if I kinda ridiculous.
Ignore my rants.
If someones feisty, just leave em alone.
Arrrgghh.
But here's a funny T story...
My T called me chicken (in the nicest way! LOL!), but anyways, this DOES trigger a response in my Nasty part, but pretty mild, and the ONLY reason this sets off Nasty is that calling a person chicken is a bad thing in my book, its like saying 'd'ya wanna fight...eh?!' A primitive response I suppose on my part, but nevertheless, it IS a part that I have.
So then she says it AGAIN...and I was going into the 'mode', and I kinda growled 'you REALLY asking for trouble aren't you?' and she kinda laughed, and she may have said it yet AGAIN, as she tried to explain that she was kidding, and I told her she better back off, I was serious...she was playing a dangerous game. I dunno how I come across, or if she even noticed it wasn't me, but she didn't show no fear, so that GREAT. My T is either really dumb and way too trusting, or mebbe she just got it comming and going? Anyhow, she good, she keeps her cool, no fear, thats good.
Its freaky to me, and sad. Cuz I thoink of myself as gentle, but I have this primitiveness in me. Eg, I was outside a mental health place waiting for a worshop on anxiety, and this person, who exuded anxiety passed by...and it evoked in me a response that I wanted to get her. Like kids will go after the weak one. I would never allow this response to go anywhere, but I TOTALLY understand what can trigger a potential trouble cuz its in me. So while T has tried to dissuade me from thinking I bad....well...guess I not ALL bad, but there is bad in me.
Sometimes I feel like an animal of the street again.
Basic survival instincts.
When i get scared....those instincts come back....and I'm back on the street in survival mode.(in my head)
I don't like how I act when I like this. I can't always stop it and its embarassing.
I want it to stop.
But damn, PHYSICALLY it feels good. My body feels less pain, its more alive, not so tired, safer, tougher, stronger....
Yes, I AM insane.
Forgive me.
M
Posted by JoniS on September 1, 2007, at 10:58:39
In reply to I all over the map, posted by muffled on August 31, 2007, at 23:35:35
You are not insane. I think everyone has some amount of the traits you describe "in" them. Life is all about struggling to overcome the sinful nature in us. The struggle NEVER goes away.
With the whole "chicken" event, I don't know, but could it possibly be that you were testing you T so you could decide if you should trust her? I haven't ever seen a side of you here where you kick into "survivor mode" and get "serious" or angry or threatening here on Babble. And wouldn't that have come out here by now? I've seen you describe yourself in very negative ways, but I wonder how much reality is there...
Gentle, caring, cautious, considerate, conflicted, concerned for others - these seem to be more accurate 'words' to describe Muffled.
Posted by muffled on September 1, 2007, at 11:24:58
In reply to Re: I all over the map » muffled, posted by JoniS on September 1, 2007, at 10:58:39
> You are not insane. I think everyone has some amount of the traits you describe "in" them. Life is all about struggling to overcome the sinful nature in us. The struggle NEVER goes away.
*ya, my T says the process of growth is lifelong
>
> With the whole "chicken" event, I don't know, but could it possibly be that you were testing you T so you could decide if you should trust her? I haven't ever seen a side of you here where you kick into "survivor mode" and get "serious" or angry or threatening here on Babble. And wouldn't that have come out here by now? I've seen you describe yourself in very negative ways, but I wonder how much reality is there...*ROFL, I just had a thot, mebbe T was testing ME!!! LOL! Proly not though, I think she just didn't know.
I DO test T, alot. She has been patient w/me, cuz the more scred I get, the more I 'test' her.
But this was not a test, it was just a response 'in the moment' to words she was saying.
I agree that I am not all bad, T showed me this, but I cannot deny that I got bad in me. I cannot deny my history in the past of stupid things I have done. I HAVE to own them. It WAS me. I was a punk first class. So I am trying to make up for it now. But its still in me, that jungle beast. Its saved me lotsa times, so its not all bad either, but its not good either. For all that I think its a bad thing, I wouldn't want to give it up, cuz having it makes me feel safer, cuz it IS a scarey part. It even scares me.> Gentle, caring, cautious, considerate, conflicted, concerned for others - these seem to be more accurate 'words' to describe Muffled.
**Awww thx Joni thats good to hear, my T says nice stuff too. I have this THING bout being honest, cuz so much of my life has been a lie.
So guess I not all good or all bad, guess like my T says, I am a work in progress...
Thanks for the kind words and your support Joni.
Hope stuffs going Ok for you.
M
Posted by Poet on September 1, 2007, at 12:13:19
In reply to Re: I all over the map » JoniS, posted by muffled on September 1, 2007, at 11:24:58
Hi Muffled,
Hmm, my T has called me a stubborn old mule, but never chicken. Hee haw to my T. Maybe your T was testing you. My T tests me by telling me she cares about me, knowing that I will cross my arms and legs tight and glare at her.
I like your T's philosophy that you are a work in progress. Keep trying to see the good in yourself, you seem like I am: I see all the bad things about me and skip right over anything that is remotely good. I am definitely a work in progress.
Poet
Posted by Dory on September 1, 2007, at 19:27:53
In reply to I all over the map, posted by muffled on August 31, 2007, at 23:35:35
babycakes you ain't crazy... crazy people don't think they're crazy. Ha!
i don't worry about being dangerous when people see the real me, but i worry about other stuff. It's all the same really. i offend people without meaning to, i upset people because i don't understand how to interact and i am impulsive.. i speak without thinking and i don't realize people don't know whats in my head/heart.. they just hear me say something mean.
i think i am a freak.
it's weird how we see the good in someone else we care about but none in ourselves.
maybe you can meet you "bad" part half way and make a peace with it.
Posted by RealMe on September 1, 2007, at 22:40:38
In reply to I all over the map, posted by muffled on August 31, 2007, at 23:35:35
Sounds like you have been holding too much anger in. Then it comes out like URRRRG. or something like that, really angry. I have tried to be more assertive with people, but sometimes it does not go over well, and I start holding the anger in. And, yes one can feel pain. Maybe I need to get a punching bag (and you too?). When I was at Menninger's, they used to take me down to the gym to use the punching back. Wow; what a great way to get in touch with one's anger and what it is about so it can be talked about. I remember I used to just cry and cry as I hit the punching bag, and then it would switch to feeling the anger, and I would curse and swear as I kept hitting it. I sure did find out what I was angry about. No more meek and mild me, and the depression got better too.
RealMe
(Oz)
Posted by muffled on September 2, 2007, at 23:57:13
In reply to Re: I all over the map » muffled, posted by Dory on September 1, 2007, at 19:27:53
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.