![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 31. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 11:56:31
ok so I gonna take what ll said and see what happens...
so,
LOL :-(
Hmmm
well,
I succeeded in royally pissing off my T...ex T
She usu works only 2 days a week, and I let her know I was back and she didn't call, and that was mostly Ok but I kinda worried that mebbe she was having a family crisis or something, and there was nothing I could do, or find out w/o being what I deemed as intrusive.
Then I statrt to feel the needy monster creeping in, and It REALLY pissed me off cuz I thot I was over that. MOST of me is. But I been really stressed for other reasons ans that makes me split, and so its harder when the parts are separated to keep things going smoothly. Hence the needymonster rearing her head and cause much turmoil and anger internally.
So this a.m. I phoned T's office to see wassup and she ANSWERED, sh*ts, usu you get the answer machine.
So, duh, I hung up, and I KNOW she absolutely HATES hang-ups, its a bugaboo of hers. Damn. Then she phones right back, even tho my number wouldn't be shown in any way, cuz she KNOWS its me. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO stupid.
So she leaves a message (cuz OF CORSE) I didn't answer.
and then I DELETE IT by accident anfter only one listen. Arrrggghhhh. So I think she said something bout e-mailing me but didn't have e-mail addy. And that she was real busy today, but MIGHT try and call again, and if not today, then tomorrow a.m., and we could 'visit' on the phone. And I can't tell after only 1 listen if she's mad at me. And does she KNOW that I'm a complete idiot that apparently NEEDS this phone visit?????? WTF is my problem??? Why can't I do right? Why can't I move on? WTF DO? I want from her? Arrrrggghhhh.
I dunno whether to answer if she phones.
I dunno what to say.
I dunno what to do.
I just gonna go visit B2 in her closet, and mebbe B2 we can sit and be REALLY quiet, and noone (cept good babblers) will know we there, and we can hide, and be safe and nothing at all.
Sorry.
M
Posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 11:57:34
In reply to Ah sh*t *triggers8 long, whine., posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 11:56:31
Posted by B2chica on August 22, 2007, at 12:19:27
In reply to Ah sh*t *triggers8 long, whine., posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 11:56:31
(((((Muffly))))) you come right on in....NoName is there but i'll bring in Sunshine and she can make us laugh. and i'll make Teen stand outside closet...boy are we safe then! she's got knives for eyes!
about the
hang-up. try not to work up about it. it happens. you were taken off guard. i've done it before cuz i already to leave message and when they answer you don't know what to say anymore. i understand its upsetting. but you shoudn't feel bad cuz of it...it's ok.
it's nice that she called back and left message. she sounds like she kinda cares and wants to know what's going on with you. if she was mad i'm sure you would have picked up on that...even with only one listen! your good that way.
when she calls back you can just tell her that you started to call but got interrupted and had to hang up...that you didn't even know she picked up. then you can say (if you used cell phone) that it was on vibrate or mute and didn't hear it when she called back...or if not cell phone say that your (enter distraction here) took you away and couldn't get to phone.
OR beat her to the punch...call her and make it sound REALLY casual on your end. like you were just checking with her about what's going on. nothing urgent...etc. that she needent even have called you back.i hope this helps ease you a bit.
either way...come to closet. we can barricade it from the inside!
Posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 12:47:40
In reply to Re: Ah sh*t *triggers8 long, whine., posted by B2chica on August 22, 2007, at 12:19:27
> (((((Muffly))))) you come right on in....NoName is there but i'll bring in Sunshine and she can make us laugh. and i'll make Teen stand outside closet...boy are we safe then! she's got knives for eyes!
**K :-) But I WON'T bring Nasty, can you imagine?!?!
> about the
> hang-up. try not to work up about it. it happens. you were taken off guard. i've done it before cuz i already to leave message and when they answer you don't know what to say anymore. i understand its upsetting. but you shoudn't feel bad cuz of it...it's ok.**Thx B2. I feel kinda dumb bout it.
> it's nice that she called back and left message. she sounds like she kinda cares and wants to know what's going on with you. if she was mad i'm sure you would have picked up on that...even with only one listen! your good that way.
**ya proly...
I think she do care...but I dunno...I think I kinda tiresome...:-(> when she calls back you can just tell her....
**awww B2, thanks for thinking of ideas for me. Its nice you care, but I GOTO be honest w/her or there's nothing thats real.
Which isn't to say i've never fudged....but mostly by omission...I just don't say...and she usu kindly lets it go...
>
> i hope this helps ease you a bit.
> either way...come to closet. we can barricade it from the inside!**Thanks I'll be there, and I'll bring some wood and nails.
I gonna send T an e-mail and own up, and that'll make me feel better.
Thx
M
Posted by B2chica on August 22, 2007, at 12:55:03
In reply to Re: Ah sh*t *triggers8 long, whine. » B2chica, posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 12:47:40
Posted by JoniS on August 22, 2007, at 13:04:59
In reply to Ah sh*t *triggers8 long, whine., posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 11:56:31
Hey Muffled
Dont be so hard on yourself. I have done the same thing with the same result. He called me right back. Wow was I on the spot! I hung up because he answered (his cell ph) WHAT!!?? with a voice that sure seemed angry to me. I strongly suspect that he had been arguing with his wife and thought she was calling him right back. He never admitted anything though.
So - regarding your situatuon . I think you are absoultely right, be honest with her. That is the best thing for your growth, which is the point of this whole therapy thing, right?
Good Luck!
Posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 18:25:14
In reply to Re: Ah sh*t *triggers8 long, whine. » muffled, posted by JoniS on August 22, 2007, at 13:04:59
Posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 18:36:29
In reply to Re: Ah sh*t *triggers8 long, whine. » muffled, posted by JoniS on August 22, 2007, at 13:04:59
I sent T fax.
Said sorry for hang up etc
Said I was messed but would cope.
Said I got no words.
Said I just wanted to know she was ok and well and all that. thats all I wanted to know.
Ummmmm
but
at the end, I wondered if they had call display, and I said if you do, then I think its kinda tacky....
Manoman
WHY why did I have to say that? I agree with the statement, but why did i say it in that fax?
I boggle my mind.
Then I was thinking later
WHY do I care so much just to hear she OK.
Then I thot, I bet its just she still kinda like a rock of safeness somehow in my mind or something, so I just wanto know the rock hasn't sunk.
That and I just care bout her anyhow cuz she's nice.
And I been thinking WHY does she let me call her? and call back? (hasn't called since she left message but proly will, if she don't forget, which she has in the past, so I not holding my breath...
I think she just is nice and knew how bad I'd get worried all the time bout her dumping me, and so she not dumping me, and lets me call. Cuz she's nice. She says she cares bout me, but proly finds me more annoying than anything...but still 'cares' per se.
Guess I goto find a T. I am not doing so well.
Don't wanna.
Expensive and hard to find right one.
Gonna have to get a p/t job when kids get into school. Then I can have T.
Just hope things don't go to terribly wrong in the meantime.
I think once I get back into the school routine I will do much better.
Rammble ramble
ramble
Mebbe I say too much.
Thats partly the prob. Earlier I exposed too much.
But nuttin bads happened, so mebbe its OK?
Protection wasn't pleased.
Oh well.
Lost in space.
That should be my name.
M
Posted by TherapyGirl on August 22, 2007, at 19:21:19
In reply to Ah sh*t *triggers8 long, whine., posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 11:56:31
You should definitely do what you need to do to be safe, Muffled. And we will (quietly) stand or sit beside you. Okay?
And if you're taking votes, I'm guessing your T is not mad at you -- I'm guessing she'd like to help. And I think you should let her. But I'll support whatever decision you make. Because I trust you.
I'm right here with you, Muffly.
Posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 23:18:14
In reply to Re: Ah sh*t *triggers8 long, whine. » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on August 22, 2007, at 19:21:19
Posted by DAisym on August 22, 2007, at 23:36:09
In reply to saga continues, posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 18:36:29
I'm sorry you've had a rough day. Why do you need to find a new therapist? It seems to me that you have a really nice one already? Just my 2 cents.
It is OK to call and hang up when you are surprised. I've done it myself. And yes, felt silly but I was so surprised, it was just a reaction! OK - true confession, After I hung up, I called the other office because I knew that there I would get the machine. - ug, how silly is that?! So don't feel bad.
I think almost all phones have caller ID anymore. Certainly all cell phones do. I think it is standard.
I hope you find a way out of the closet soon. It is nice outside in the sunshine.
Posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 23:51:04
In reply to Re: Ah sh*t *triggers8 long, whine. » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on August 22, 2007, at 19:21:19
On chat, I said something that caught my thots...(and Falls')
It is interesting, the kid saying, she not gonna say NOTHING to T, so adamantly…
I can figger its proly about the T saying, ‘I’m here for you’ business. Rational adult has understanding of the reality of what that means, and of course is fine w/it. But kid don’t get it. She takes it literally, which, now that I think about it, DOES makes sense, cuz she IS a kid. I have SUCH a hard time grasping that concept. But I dunno how to explain to her that’s not the way it is. And mebbe it seems not fair, but T can‘t be there all the time, she has to know that, and know that T HASN’T dumped us yet (miraculously…), so she IS there for us, just not 24/7, that is just not possible(nor would I want it, we‘d get awful sick of each other I suspect!!!). Guess the other thing is that nebulous, ‘need’ thing that Daisy was talking about, kid wants SOMEthing, but be damned if I know what. Mebbe its goto do w/that gross love word. Yuk. Ewwwwwwww.As for WHY I am quitting T...lotsa people asking...
I think T doesn’t know what to do, and kid is VERY sensitive to all vibes…so she don’t trust T.
T did try and talk to kid, but it felt awkward, cuz I think kid picked up on vibes from T that she was struggling. Cuz its new to T this stuff, and she game to try anything if it works, but kid picked up vibes and ran away.
Guess the other thing bout T is that she is good and kind and intrepid, but, if she don’t know, she don’t know. She is not God, not psychic, she a woman who’s had some training, a fair amt of varied experience, but not with a client as split as myself. She said so.
The other prob is she backs off at the slightest dissociation on my part. She seems to back off from my protection. I think she gets taken aback at it. I dunno really why she backs off so.
And I kept throwing PAGES of important stuff at her(faxes), cuz I wouldn’t talk, but I expect it was hard for her to reconcile the written words with the physical person cuz they SO diff. And there was SO much every week. Too much. And so so much stuff would never get talked about and would pass by. And we kinda desperately hit and miss talking bout stuff, and as ever I couldn’t speak well. And if it got tough, away I’d go to other lands, or rush off to the bathroom to curse myself into a safe place in my head. And sometimes my protection would turn on me, for being stupid and saying or almost allowing disallowed things.
And my T tried SO hard to try and set agenda at the beginning of each session (after spending 15 mins calming me down), but I get nervous and can’t think, so we finally started to go thru faxes…but too much info, we overwhelmed w/stuff.
So I think she was frustrated and me too.
We just getting bogged.
I won’t trust any further appaerently.
I too scared to hurt T.
I too ashamed of my craziness.
Guess I still kinda scared she will think less of me, though she says she won’t.
And ya, guess I scared of myself, of whats within.
I chickenshit
Stuck.
Time to quit.
She seem to think I’ll do OK.
Mebbe I will.
She's the one who suggested stretching out sessions to 1/mo.
But its SO hard sometimes.
Too hard.
Sucks.
And my sweet irl children are paying the price…
And hubby…
He sad that I am 1000 miles away…
Nother thing, I don't thin T 'gets' being afraid of physical contact and mating type stuff...I think she not totally comfortable w/talking bout it really, but that could be me, but she too much like a sister for me to say 'stuff' to her. I never talk bout that kinda stuff to noone B4. I never talk much of anything I said to T before.
Its all wrong and I don’t know what to do.
And I ashamed that T will be disappointed I not doing better. She worked SO hard.
And I don’t ever want to make her feel bad.
And I NEVER want to be considered a pain in the *ss.
And I esp. don't wanto be rejected by her cuz she knows some stuff bout me, and if she rejects me, then I AM a gross leper who should die then.
And there’s hurt inside but I dunno what to do w/it cuz I not allowed to have certain emotions regarding myself.
Sometimes I really wish I HAD shot myself…..
But mostly I am glad I didn’t, or my beautiful babies wouldn’t have been born.
So now I don’t consider it an option.
Cuz I want to goto heaven and see my kids one day.
So, as my T used to say...your not as crazy as you think you are,
and I'd say,
I think I'm crazier than you realize.
Does any of this make ANY sense????
M
Posted by muffled on August 23, 2007, at 0:00:18
In reply to ok, Falls got me to thinking.....(poss triggers), posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 23:51:04
me just say it.
I won't get mad.
I wish people would just say stuff so I could know and not pussyfoot round me.
I am desparate to figger out whats going on cuz i don't feel very good.
Thats all.
I appreciate all the support and ideas people ahve given me.
Thank you.
M
Posted by meeple on August 23, 2007, at 4:53:07
In reply to ok, Falls got me to thinking.....(poss triggers), posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 23:51:04
Hey Muffled,
Sounds like your therapist is very kind and compassionate and understanding with you. That must be fairly frightening if another human being hasn't really been that way with you before. Sometimes I think that when people respond to me like that it hurts more than helps because it just makes it more apparent to me that I really haven't had very much of that in my life. So, I guess it is understandable that you would struggle a lot with your therapist being so kind.
Shame is hard. I feel quite disgusted with myself a lot, and it sounds like you are too. Find yourself to be deeply flawed and unacceptable and damaged and repulsive in some way. One idea is that if our parents (or early attachment figures) aren't very responsive to us, or if they actively persecute us, then we grow up thinking that there must be something wrong with us. I wonder sometimes if that feeling will ever go away. Sometimes when people treat me kindly I just can't believe it. Can't believe that it will last, thats for sure. Won't take long for them to figure that I'm comtaminated and disgusting.
Sounds like you have a lot of tender feelings for your therapist. That you think she is a lovely person who has tried really hard to help you. That she has been patient with you. And you worry that you will contaminate her or hurt her in some way. And so, if you really care about her as you do, then maybe the best thing to do is to back off and leave her alone so you don't hurt her? I wonder if the part of you that wants to avoid her and leave her alone is worried about damaging or hurting her. Part of the worry might be that you don't deserve her niceness. Another part of the worry might be that you will hurt her and so in order to protect her you think you have to back off.
But... If you back off from her then that will probably hurt her more. I guess one could say that a short term hurt and failure to understand why is better than the long term hurt if you kept seeing her. If one has had experiences with the incompetent protector then it can be hard to comprehend a different ending where your therapist might be able to show you about competent protectors. It might be that your therapist is venturing out with you not having dealt with someone who dissociates so severely before. But then it might be that your therapist really cares about you and that that genuine caring is precisely what will be curative and healing for you.
I'm not sure how you will feel about this... But I'll give you a link to a page that has some really good articles. I'm not sure how you will feel about reading them, but the idea is that this is one way that treatment for your kind of condition can proceed. If your therapist feels a little lost it might be that she isn't so sure what is needed. The link might be reassuring to her because it might well be that it tells her (and you) that you are heading on the right track. And so... Persistence might well pay off in the end.
Anyway... I just wanted to say that.
xxx
Take care.
Miss you.
You and all the muffled ones...Sorry people.
Take care.http://www.johnbriere.com/articles.htm
(Scroll down to 'chapters' and you can download the following text):
Briere, J. (2002). Treating adult survivors of severe childhood abuse and neglect: Further development of an integrative model. In J.E.B. Myers, L. Berliner, J. Briere, T. Reid, & C. Jenny (Eds.). The APSAC handbook on child maltreatment, 2nd Edition. Newbury Park, CA: Sage Publications. [click here to download]
Posted by JoniS on August 23, 2007, at 7:33:12
In reply to ok, Falls got me to thinking.....(poss triggers), posted by muffled on August 22, 2007, at 23:51:04
Muffled,
I think meeple gave a lot of good insight.
Take a look at Dinah's last entry (8/22) above on "I think I was rude today..." Notice that she said
*** ...I'll admit that the first five years of my therapy were spent testing my therapist and seeing if he was emotionally safe. Emotional safety is not something I ever even thought possible until him. In those five years, I probably appeared worse rather than better...*
My point is just that it can take a long time to get real trust built and that could be the most beneficial component in your (our, my) growth & healing.
I know you know all this, but I believe more and more that the T-client relationship is what cures us, much more than their "expertise" with a particular method of t. As long as a T is staying w/in profesional ethics and not causing any harm there is probably growth going on that is not necessarily obvious to us in the short term. I believe that long term - trust relationships are not just beneficial but probably NECESSARY for real growth.
In other words, and just my 2 cents, it might be most beneficial if you hang in there with this T. That said, I realize this is not easy to know what to do, and we are all different.
Best of thoughts for you!
Take Care
Joni
Posted by TherapyGirl on August 23, 2007, at 19:04:17
In reply to Ya, and if anybody got something to point out to, posted by muffled on August 23, 2007, at 0:00:18
Okay, no pussy-footin', Muffled.
I think you are very close to figuring out a lot of things about your i-kids and your life and your childhood. And my gut feeling is that you got too close to that truth in therapy and it completely freaked you out. You feel burned by the fire of the knowledge. And so you have put all these roadblocks to therapy in place, I suspect because your i-kids are still trying to protect you. But they're kids and they don't always know the best way to protect adults. They did the best they could with what resources they had available when you were a child, but I'm thinking they are holding you back now with their fear. So if there is any way to share some of this with your T and keep working with her, little by little, I think you will figure a lot of things out.
I won't be mad if you think I'm totally off base or if this is too upsetting for you to consider. But you asked for frankness and I am usually nothing if not frank.
I've also said this before and I'll say it again -- I trust you to make the right decision for yourself and I'll support whatever decision you make.
((((((((((((Muffled)))))))))))))
Posted by muffled on August 23, 2007, at 20:41:16
In reply to Re: Ya, and if anybody got something to point out to » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on August 23, 2007, at 19:04:17
and I thank you.
I love straighforwardness!
Great post!
Muffled
Posted by muffled on August 23, 2007, at 22:01:10
In reply to Re: saga continues » muffled, posted by DAisym on August 22, 2007, at 23:36:09
Posted by muffled on August 23, 2007, at 22:46:32
In reply to Trust, posted by meeple on August 23, 2007, at 4:53:07
> Hey Muffled,
**Hey!!! :-) and thank you.
>
> Sounds like your therapist is very kind and compassionate and understanding with you. That must be fairly frightening if another human being hasn't really been that way with you before. Sometimes I think that when people respond to me like that it hurts more than helps because it just makes it more apparent to me that I really haven't had very much of that in my life. So, I guess it is understandable that you would struggle a lot with your therapist being so kind.**I'm sorry you understand this :-(
>
> Shame is hard. I feel quite disgusted with myself a lot, and it sounds like you are too. Find yourself to be deeply flawed and unacceptable and damaged and repulsive in some way. One idea is that if our parents (or early attachment figures) aren't very responsive to us, or if they actively persecute us, then we grow up thinking that there must be something wrong with us. I wonder sometimes if that feeling will ever go away. Sometimes when people treat me kindly I just can't believe it. Can't believe that it will last, thats for sure. Won't take long for them to figure that I'm comtaminated and disgusting.*EXACTLY. My T has worked w/me to try and prove false that I am a gross leper, and now I mostly beleive that, but.....there's atill a part deep inside, that still thinks it true. I can't acess that part.
I think its big thing for me, that makes me run away from T, I am afraid she will find out that I really AM in fact gross, after all her work trying to get me to beleive I am not.
I have started to read that paper you linked to. Its complicated, but I am starting to get it. I'm gonna mebbe take a copy to my T (ex T?) and I'll highlight parts, and then we can talk in abstract terms bout the paper and not about me. I can talk OK if I am in clinical mode and not talking bout me.
>
> Sounds like you have a lot of tender feelings for your therapist. That you think she is a lovely person who has tried really hard to help you. That she has been patient with you. And you worry that you will contaminate her or hurt her in some way. And so, if you really care about her as you do, then maybe the best thing to do is to back off and leave her alone so you don't hurt her? I wonder if the part of you that wants to avoid her and leave her alone is worried about damaging or hurting her. Part of the worry might be that you don't deserve her niceness. Another part of the worry might be that you will hurt her and so in order to protect her you think you have to back off.**I am less afraid of hurting than I once was, but I still worry. I used to ask her regularly, are you afraid of me? But I don't ask her that no more. If I were to continue to see her, then mebbe I would get scared of contaminating her again. Part of me just DOES NOT GET????I mean ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT GET?????????????WHY????????????????? she persists in being nice to me. I just can't comprehend it. I just can't. It is beyond me. And yes, the longer she's around me, and the more she invests in me, then the more likely it is that eventually, I will hurt her, proly not physically, but in my leperous way I will somehow suck her dry or something...
>
> But... If you back off from her then that will probably hurt her more. I guess one could say that a short term hurt and failure to understand why is better than the long term hurt if you kept seeing her. If one has had experiences with the incompetent protector then it can be hard to comprehend a different ending where your therapist might be able to show you about competent protectors. It might be that your therapist is venturing out with you not having dealt with someone who dissociates so severely before. But then it might be that your therapist really cares about you and that that genuine caring is precisely what will be curative and healing for you.**I don't think it would hurt her for me to back off, if I did it quietly....she's a very busy person....
Sigh....I read that last bit....and honestly...it scares the crap out of me. Not sure why.
>
> I'm not sure how you will feel about this... But I'll give you a link to a page that has some really good articles. I'm not sure how you will feel about reading them, but the idea is that this is one way that treatment for your kind of condition can proceed. If your therapist feels a little lost it might be that she isn't so sure what is needed. The link might be reassuring to her because it might well be that it tells her (and you) that you are heading on the right track. And so... Persistence might well pay off in the end.**yeah....she does alot of the stuff in the article you linked too. She seems to be pretty gifted at just doing stuff, even if she don't know why exactly....
>
> Anyway... I just wanted to say that.
> xxx
> Take care.
> Miss you.
> You and all the muffled ones...**Damn, I miss you being around too. It sucks. But I'll leave it at that.
Thanks so much for posting this, I REALLY appreciate it, and I hope it don't cost you too much trouble with darn old Bob :-(
You've helped me lots y'know, and I have passed what you taught me to others, the ripples of goodness are spreading.
Thanks.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on August 23, 2007, at 23:43:16
In reply to Re: Trust » meeple, posted by muffled on August 23, 2007, at 22:46:32
Posted by muffled on August 24, 2007, at 0:00:52
In reply to Re: Trust » meeple, posted by muffled on August 23, 2007, at 22:46:32
and anuther thing is I can't say nuttin to her anyhow. I can't, i won't so there's no point in going back anyhow.
And I think she DON'T want me back, she WANTS me to terminate cuz I TOO much for her and so she don't wanto deal with me.
But it all don't matter cuz i can't say, and I DON"T KNOW anyways. I DON'T.
I only know what I feel and I don't like it and so i don't go there and I dunno what to do.
SH*T.
YA SH*T
SH*T SH*T SH*T
:-(
Posted by muffled on August 24, 2007, at 2:43:06
In reply to yeah, posted by muffled on August 24, 2007, at 0:00:52
sent T e-mail w/link to this thread.
Sink or swim babe.
I don't care.
Dunno if the mail even went thru.
I such a sh*thead cuz she got happy doins going on at home from what I can gather.
And I just a idiot.
Mebbe she'll dump me and that'd be best,
crap mebbe she'll read this.
Ha, just in case she does ROFL
Hiya T !
Stick that in yer pipe and smoke it.
I feel drunk.
Not but it feels that way.
I wonder if I've overposted and Bob gonna come and get me and banish me.
That'd suit me fine, cept it wouldn't, I'd miss you guys.
I feel alone.
Oh well.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Mebbe I'll have all this crap in my head stowed by then, and I can pretend it was just a dream and I the most well adjusted person you could ever meet.
Mebbe I'll just wake up in that mode.
Wish me luck.
G'nightall.
M
Posted by sunnydays on August 24, 2007, at 7:54:32
In reply to hmmm, done it now...., posted by muffled on August 24, 2007, at 2:43:06
(((((muffled)))))
I hope you're feeling better today. You know, none of that stuff you said about yourself is true. And I'm being totally honest. It's ok to be scared - T is scary! I get scared of going to T plenty of times, I just typically can't find words to post about it if I am. I don't think your T wants to terminate you. I think it sounds like you might have some stuff you still could work on - like thinking you're gross, which, whatever happened to you, you are NOT.
Take care of yourself,
sunnydays
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on August 24, 2007, at 8:17:49
In reply to yeah, posted by muffled on August 24, 2007, at 0:00:52
muffled,
I have to admit that I'm not going to be able to offer much enlightenment.I just wanted to point out a few things
1) you're not a leper. You have beautiful children.
2) your death would not accomplish anything. It would be a loss to humanity
3) at many levels you GET IT. Whatever IT is.
4) maybe you're not meant to understand it yet. Maybe it's just too big to wrap your head around
5) keep picking away at chunks and bits and the whole picture will gradually take shape
6) bouncing back to you something you said to me: it took a long time to get here, it will take a long time to heal
7 and another thing- been here for 16 mos, and you've made HUGE progress. You've been able to establish trust. Maybe not 100% trust but this is a VERY high standard to hold yourself too.
8) your distressing symptom of self-injury is really getting better.
9) you've learned some coping mechanisms that help you with stress and strife. the cave. the stream
10) you listen with an open heart. When Fallsfall challenges you (she is a very smart challenger, btw- somehow manages to make you think deeper without becoming defensive!) you listened with an open heart, and took the words to a deeper level.
11) you are my friend muffled. I hate to see you hurt, but if this is part of your path, we should embrace it with open arms.
12) you are earth, and these feelings are weather. Your atmosphere will be windy and cloudy and rainy, but sometimes there are rainbows, and the sun shines and gives life. The rain comes and nourishes the flowers, and sweeps away the bad stuff, even if it's miserable to go outside on a rainy day. Even rain can be a blessing.your friend,
-Ll
Posted by muffled on August 24, 2007, at 9:02:01
In reply to Re: hmmm, done it now.... » muffled, posted by sunnydays on August 24, 2007, at 7:54:32
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