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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on August 19, 2007, at 2:19:26
I had a mostly great day today. I went shopping with someone who has my vote for the most enjoyable person to spend the day shopping with. I'm only sorry we didn't have more time to talk, because I enjoy her company tremendously.
But, in general lately, I'm feeling as though I don't have anyplace i can turn for support. My best friend has something going on in her life that is a sore spot for me, and I don't want to dampen her joy. I want to be able to celebrate for her, but I can't, because it's a reminder of yet another failure in my life.
I've finally given up trying to have a baby. My husband's reaction has been a resounding silence -- and when I confronted him about it, he said, "Well, you're already crying after fifteen seconds! I can't talk to you about it!" No thought at all of, I don't know, comforting me? I have always wanted children, and gee -- kinda feels like I'll never get any of the things that are most important to me, you know? For that matter, my husband has no interest in sex, and he won't cuddle with me, either. Since my cat died in February, I've been without any physical comfort. We have a new kitten, but he doesn't cuddle yet. I hope he will, as he matures. Meanwhile, I'm lying on the sofa pressing back against the back of it, trying to pretend it's like being held.
And then my therapist forgets my appointment right before leaving for vacation.
And I'm hideously fat, and can't seem to get any of it off me. I'm not moving at all, and I keep eating far more than I'm comfortable with. I'm not a recovered anorexic -- I've just failed in being thin. I can't even do that right. I don't feel as though I have anyplace to discuss that, either, because too many people just don't understand that.
And lately, I haven't felt welcome posting on these boards. I suspect it's largely a matter of perspective, with a little bit of board changes thrown in -- there are a lot of new people, who probably don't know me, so don't know what to say. Or maybe it does have something to do with the whole deputy thing.
I don't know what I am looking for by typing all this. I think I was just feeling pretty wretched, and feeling as though there's no place to express it without getting slapped back. So, maybe this doesn't need any response. Maybe it's enough just to say it.
I don't know.
Posted by ClearSkies on August 19, 2007, at 7:35:59
In reply to Feeling isolated, and kinda trapped, posted by Racer on August 19, 2007, at 2:19:26
(((((Racer))))) Oh boy, do I know that feeling, Racer, and I'm sorry you've got it. I think that when you're vulnerable, it only takes a few hairline cracks in our safety shell before everything feels likes it's shattered and in pieces around us.
My therapist says that when I'm feeling overwhelmed like this that the best I can do is just breathe in and breathe out, and wait for the worst of the feelings to pass. My history has shown that as bad as I feel at any moment, I just am incapable of maintaining that feeling of awfulness for any length of time. Something will ease, somewhere, and you'll have a brighter spot in a day that won't feel quite so horrible as the day before did. How that for consolation? Life may suck right now but it can't stay this sucky for very long!! Now you can see why I never tried out for cheerleading in high school :-)
Maybe *not* looking at any of these painful subjects too closely will help. I know that when I'm generally in a bad place, everything feels that much worse, I think because I'm much less capable of seeing a good side to anything. My advice, worth as it is the ether it is writ upon, it to hang on. Be gentle with yourself. Soothe yourself the best you can (I wish I had your sofa to hug me back, too!). Distract yourself with the activities that bring you enjoyment. Call your therapist if you feel you need to, and maybe plan to have another conversation about your needs and expectations?
CS
Posted by seldomseen on August 19, 2007, at 12:01:40
In reply to Feeling isolated, and kinda trapped, posted by Racer on August 19, 2007, at 2:19:26
Racer,
I'm so sorry that everything you are experiencing is so acute right now.It certainly seems to me as though you have a lot to grieve and that's okay.
I so wish you felt more supported during this time, but often there really is little anyone can do.
It would, however, be easier to process if you could find someone to reliably talk it out with you, but most often during times when we need them the most, people let us down. I don't think they do this out of meaness, but rather a desire to protect themselves or just neglect.
I'm sorry.
I agree with everything that clearskies said, but would add that it is okay to be sad sometimes, it's okay to just grieve and it's normal to feel isolated by it.
Try not to let that grief turn inward onto you. So much of life is so out of our control, so much of our own body (whether we care to admit it or not) is out of our control and sometimes you just have to try to let go.
There will be something beautiful that comes out of this time and a door will open to something that you never thought possible. Be one the look out for it and nurture it when it comes.
At least that's my take on sadness.
Take good good care of yourself and your new kitty.
Posted by JoniS on August 19, 2007, at 18:53:58
In reply to Feeling isolated, and kinda trapped, posted by Racer on August 19, 2007, at 2:19:26
Hi Racer
I'm glad that you have that "most enjoyable person".
But still you feel like you don't have anyone you can turn to and that is really hard. And I'm really sorry about your difficulties with having a baby. I have a friend who has been dealing with that and I see how very painful that is.
If my T forgot my appointment I would be completely crushed. He is way to important to me right now, I wish it weren't so.
I can relate to the weight problem. I'm right there with ya. And it's a cycle. I eat - for comfort mostly. Then I feel fat and mad at myself for being so fat and having no willpower. Then I am depressed and I eat for comfort. And the cycle continues. Tomorrow I will start on a diet AGAIN. Please let this be the time I can stick with it.
I hope you get more comfortable posting on PB - give it a little more time I bet it will be OK. About the kitty - if you play with it til it's worn out I bet it will crash on your lap and you can snuggle with it. I get a lot of comfort snuggling with my dogs. They don't require much and they are easy to love.
I hope you are not feeling "wretched" anymore. Keep doing the little things - like spending time with friends shopping & talking even if they are not the ones you can share your deepest struggle with. Share what you can here and keep us posted cause people here do want to know how you are.
((((((Racer))))))
Hoping for more 'mostly great' days for you!
Posted by Poet on August 19, 2007, at 19:11:41
In reply to Feeling isolated, and kinda trapped, posted by Racer on August 19, 2007, at 2:19:26
Hi Racer,
I hope babby kitty becomes a snuggler soon. Keep picking him up and petting him on his favorite spots so he realizes that your arms and your lap are the perfect place to be.
I'm here for support. This is big, gulp, I would let you hug me if you needed to hug someone. My T's mouthg would be hanging open if I told her that. I wish your husband was more the cuddling type. Mine is and I am not so, hmm, maybe we can switch for a month or two? ;)
Take care, I wish you could have a baby and that your life would be the life you deserve it to be: wonderful.
Poet
Posted by Poet on August 19, 2007, at 19:11:48
In reply to Feeling isolated, and kinda trapped, posted by Racer on August 19, 2007, at 2:19:26
Hi Racer,
I hope babby kitty becomes a snuggler soon. Keep picking him up and petting him on his favorite spots so he realizes that your arms and your lap are the perfect place to be.
I'm here for support. This is big, gulp, I would let you hug me if you needed to hug someone. My T's mouthg would be hanging open if I told her that. I wish your husband was more the cuddling type. Mine is and I am not so, hmm, maybe we can switch for a month or two? ;)
Take care, I wish you could have a baby and that your life would be the life you deserve it to be: wonderful.
Poet
Posted by muffled on August 19, 2007, at 19:28:14
In reply to Feeling isolated, and kinda trapped, posted by Racer on August 19, 2007, at 2:19:26
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on August 19, 2007, at 20:57:21
In reply to Re: Feeling isolated, and kinda trapped » Racer, posted by Poet on August 19, 2007, at 19:11:48
Hi Racer,
My t is away this week too. I can't imagine how upsetting it would be if he missed our last session :(I'm also sorry for my bad timing.
All kitties are different and give their love in different ways. my cat is a cuddler, but once he gets comfy, if I try to move my arm that's completely fallen asleep he hisses and gets really upset. Sleeping beauty.
I know you've been in dark spots before and found your way out of them. I have a lot of confidence in you that you can dig yourself out of this one. Keep posting, even though you feel isolated. I'll try not to be a trapper, backing off, etc.
sorry again,
-Ll
Posted by DAisym on August 19, 2007, at 21:04:24
In reply to Feeling isolated, and kinda trapped, posted by Racer on August 19, 2007, at 2:19:26
Posting is a really good way to break through the isolation. So was shopping, even if the time was shorter than you wished and the company perhaps not as perky as she could have been. I'm sorry you are so alone in your sorrow. The whole thing sucks. I'm sure your husband wishes he knew what to say or do, and I'm sure he'd do anything to give you what you want so badly. But he seems wrapped up in his own hurt...grief is a very solitary journey. Give him time and look for other ways he might be telling you he loves you.
Realizing you need your therapist is a scary thing - and then she screwed up. *sigh* I hate that they are so human, as Spock would say. Try to remember what she does do well and hang on to those things while she is gone.
Fat, hmmm...yeah I understand the feeling. I won't insult you by saying you aren't - it is how you feel, not how you look. (I can't resist a concrete CBT kind of thing though -- you sew -- and you sew for yourself -- did you have to let out the dress? If yes, OK, you've gained a little. If not...??) Feeling fat and unhappy with your body is so uncomfortable. Particularly when the rest of the world is out of control.
Ironically - I hear Michael Buble singing, "put your head on my shoulder" as I write this and I want to just encourage you to do that. Write it all out, as much as you need to. Touch that hot spot and run away. It will cool eventually.
((((Racer)))) -- elbow to elbow
Posted by Racer on August 19, 2007, at 21:12:27
In reply to Re: Feeling isolated, and kinda trapped » Racer, posted by DAisym on August 19, 2007, at 21:04:24
> So was shopping, even if the time was shorter than you wished and the company perhaps not as perky as she could have been.
The company couldn't have been better. Although you're right -- I would have loved more time with her...
> ((((Racer)))) -- elbow to elbow
Elbow to elbow, right back atcha
Posted by Racer on August 19, 2007, at 22:29:40
In reply to Re: Feeling isolated, and kinda trapped, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on August 19, 2007, at 20:57:21
Posted by Quintal on August 22, 2007, at 13:39:12
In reply to Feeling isolated, and kinda trapped, posted by Racer on August 19, 2007, at 2:19:26
Here's a song I like to listen to when I'm feeling that way. It's a little corny I guess, but I hope it helps. The video is a little slow to load (on my connection at least) so I just out it on pause for a few minutes and do something else for a few minutes while it loads, saves the irritation of it 'sticking' every few seconds.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsym2BFX654&mode=related&search=
Q
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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