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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on August 15, 2007, at 11:01:21
..i'm feeling SO unstable right now...
i don't knwo what it is...i...dont know why i'm like this.
i'm gripping tightly onto a pic of little one. it's all i have.
i'm feeling lost...and going deeper.
i want to leave work...but that's not smart...not safe...is it fair to little one that SHE's the reason i'm hanging on? what a HORRIBLE responsibility i've put on her shoulders...it's NOT her responsiblity for my stability, yet i'm using her to stay afloat. what if she were older...and understood?
what am i doing to her...
Posted by antigua3 on August 15, 2007, at 11:40:41
In reply to unstable..**trigger**, posted by B2chica on August 15, 2007, at 11:01:21
you are being the best mother you can be to her. You are working on healing yourself, which will make you a better mother. Hug that pix of her, hug her when you get home. She's real, and alive, and full of all the possibilities that weren't open to you, and with your presence and help she will become a simply wonderful person.
antigua
Posted by B2chica on August 15, 2007, at 11:42:59
In reply to Re: unstable..**trigger**, posted by antigua3 on August 15, 2007, at 11:40:41
:(```
u r kind
ty
Posted by DAisym on August 15, 2007, at 12:04:58
In reply to Re: unstable..**trigger**, posted by B2chica on August 15, 2007, at 11:42:59
B2,
It isn't unfair to "use" her to keep fighting back. She is part of the value of your life. Feeling states change but your love for her doesn't. This bad place will pass and she and you will be glad that this love helped keep you safe. It is a gift -- not a burden. If she were older and you were telling her, "you must keep mommy safe" that is a whole different scene. But knowing she needs you is the perfect anchor.
Call you therapist, please. PPD is hard to fight by yourself. Have you read "Down came the Rain " by Brooke Shields? It is actually really good. She writes about being depressed as a new mom and how hard it all was.
I'm glad you could post. Hang in there.
Posted by B2chica on August 15, 2007, at 12:22:59
In reply to Re: unstable..**trigger**, posted by DAisym on August 15, 2007, at 12:04:58
thnx daisy.
my T actually has "down came..." but she advised me not to read it yet.and i just had a bunch of ...ick...come
i know what the trigger was...as least that's a good start.
just this morning...i just...did too much. too much memory....too much remembering over old pictures. you can just see when the abuse started. my looks are all so solemn. ...and, ....i think i had a new memory... i thought i was done with all the surprises...
and to top it off i was scheduled to see T today but i had to cancel earlier this week cuz i was sick and thought i would still be, i felt horrible about maybe getting her sick...anyway, my anxiety over this is a whole other thread i have all these scenario's played out and provoke my anxiety even more.
and i just can't call T. i feel like i, well, like im just not worth the time and i'm an inconvienence and she's looking for an 'out'. well, if she calls to reschedule than i will but...i let her 'out' if she wants.
thank you for what you said about little one.
i am feeling still unravelled but not like i want to hurt myself anymore.
...it was just such a Strong feeling, and i hadn't felt that since before i was preg.
i wasn't prepared for it.
b2c.
Posted by B2chica on August 15, 2007, at 13:18:34
In reply to unstable..**trigger**, posted by B2chica on August 15, 2007, at 11:01:21
keep crying here at work.
i can't reach out to anyone.
it feels like everyone hates me.
i want to bury in a hole.
won't 'attempt' anything... i just ACHE.
this tunnel of ache is opening and enveloping me. i'm sad, scared and so very tired.
i want to curl up and rot.
Posted by JoniS on August 15, 2007, at 14:58:40
In reply to lost, posted by B2chica on August 15, 2007, at 13:18:34
.
.
.....and to top it off i was scheduled to see T today but i had to cancel earlier this week cuz i was sick and thought i would still be, i felt horrible about maybe getting her sick...anyway, my anxiety over this is a whole other thread i have all these scenario's played out and provoke my anxiety even more.
and i just can't call T. i feel like i, well, like im just not worth the time and i'm an inconvienence and she's looking for an 'out'. well, if she calls to reschedule than i will but...i let her 'out' if she wants.
****** B2chica - please get up the energy to call your T for YOU. You ARE worth the time and you are not an inconvenience. Please don't wait for her to call you. I am sure sure is not looking for an "out" She chose her profession, didn't she? If she knew the shape you are in she would certainly want you to come see her. She can't read your mind, remember (and please dont take that negatively that's not my intent)Cmon, you are strong enough to Babble so you can be strong enough to call your T. Maybe you could take a mild anti-anxiety med? It helps me sometimes.
I'm thinking of you.
(((((((B2chica))))))))
Posted by B2chica on August 15, 2007, at 15:07:36
In reply to Re: lost » B2chica, posted by JoniS on August 15, 2007, at 14:58:40
i am only here at the convienience of others... i'm always a burden.
...yes, she can't read my mind. i understand and do not blame her. and i think she would want to know, but that's my logic..and my emotions are far beating any logic to the ground.
i can babble, that has been my saving grace over the years...and now.
maybe a benedryl will help, i'll try that.
thank you for the hugs joni...i really need them :(``
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on August 15, 2007, at 18:56:28
In reply to Re: lost » JoniS, posted by B2chica on August 15, 2007, at 15:07:36
B2Chica,
You are a very special woman, and your love for your little one is strong enough to help you pull your way out of this.You are not here at the mercy of anyone else. You are here because you're a fighter, and because you are a blessing to those who know you. You are loved. Your little one loves you UNCONDITIONALLY. That is the most precious gift in the world.
And there are others who love you too, and care about you and support you. People to give you hugs when you ask for them (((((((b2chica))))))))). You are a wonderful person, and your T would not want you hurting so. Nobody wants you to hurt this way, certainly not your T, who cares for you so much.
You can call T, it's okay. That's why we have their phone numbers.
Take care B2, and try not to remember too much new stuff until you are back in the safe place again.
(((((more hugs for you B2C)))))
-Ll
Posted by RealMe on August 15, 2007, at 22:18:17
In reply to Re: lost » JoniS, posted by B2chica on August 15, 2007, at 15:07:36
You have been helpful to me for sure, and I want you to feel better. So, this means calling your therapist. Yes there have been upsetting things happening here. Hopefully things will clear and return to some semblance of noralcy. You are a good person and a caring person who is now in pain and hurting badly. It is okay to be this way though of course not pleasant. It does not mean you are worse overall. It means you ARE making progress. We need to be here for each other when this occurs. It will occur with me again too. I know, and then I may need you to be there for me when you are feeling better as I am now.
This is the end of the thread.
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