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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dory on June 8, 2007, at 0:12:52
i feel guilty for all the messages and cyber hugs i get from people saying they are sorry it's so hard for me right now. Really guilty.... things really are really hard, but i get through each day you know? People on the street don't know things are hard. i have a roof over my head (for now), food, the basics of life and i have my two puppies (one of which is dismantling a coffee cream container on the living room rug).
i have a lot of days where the mental/emotional pain overwhelms me but in a sad way i am used to it. Things have been a nightmare in one way or another for a couple of years. My life seems stuck in chaos mode. Can't break the cycle. But i still feel guilty... like i am whining or being a drama queen.
i am waiting for my T to tell me to just f*cking get over it already. i know my last T was very very frustrated.. and it was obvious to me. In our last session i told him so and he couldn't deny it.
i left a message for my T telling him i will see him on Monday but might not be able to continue beyond that. i will be getting more hours at work but i don't make much money. i am not sure what i will do.
Posted by B2chica on June 8, 2007, at 7:57:32
In reply to Life is complicated, posted by Dory on June 8, 2007, at 0:12:52
Don't feel guilty about getting hugs here...there are enough things in life to feel guilt about...that is not one of them. we care here, and understand. (that's what i love about this place)
-and though your life seems stuck in chaos mode, it's not. you must muttle through the chaos to attain a successful (though harrowing) journey.and it seems we all get to a point where we feel we are whining about our issues...but i think that's because we ruminate so much on them hoping that that next time around we will Finally figure out Why, or Finally feel O.K. about our past....though it doesn't seem to happen that way, we still try.
you are NOT whining...you are just trying to figure out WHY you hurt So much.and (hopefully :) ) your T will not tell you to 'get over it'. that's just not how it works...i wish it did. in my eyes...if you have to tell them one thing that happened 100 different ways, to help you feel even just a little bit better than so be it. Your T should understand this, if they don't...they're in the wrong field and you have the wrong T.
i'm sorry you are struggling financially right now. i hear that. i am currently seeing T only once a month since that's all i can afford (and i even have insurance). i am beginning to wish i could see her more often...'things' are starting up again, but i just don't have the money.
maybe you could just decrease frequency rather than dropping T all together?i'm sorry Dory. and i know this sounds droll, but just hang in there. in the end you will shine through. i know it.
until then, take gentle care of yourself.
cares
b2c.
Posted by Dory on June 8, 2007, at 15:50:50
In reply to Re: Life is complicated, posted by B2chica on June 8, 2007, at 7:57:32
no, it doesn't sound bad in any way.. nice to comiserate actually. i was doing once a month with the previous T.. well it started as once a week, then every two weeks and then once a month.. it was all f*cked up and although i think it kept me alive and gave me *something* to cling to, i have a lot of hurt and anger with that guy. He actually did almost tell me to get over it... well, more like sh*t or get off the pot. i've been wanting to send him a letter, kind of an update, tie up loose ends and tell him to go f*ck himself.. all in one letter. It's hard. i want him to like me, be proud of me and all that jazz but i want to let him know he f*cked up too.
anyway..that was side tracked. i feel whiny because i just go around and around. It's the same freakin issue and i even *know* what would help but i *can't* do it... for many good reasons. This f*cking shovel is not helping me dig my way out of this hole i am in. Pardon all the swearing...it's my mood. i got a bone i am chewing on that i can't talk about here... grrrrrrrr.
i am considering all kinds of options. i just don't know which one to pick. Reducing the frequency is an option, an di am thinking about it, but what i found before was that i was dwelling and ruminating waaay too much. With weekly i do less of that. i theoretically could keep seeing him weekly... theoretically. i wish i could explain, but the whole reason i changed my name was i explained too much you know? Put it this way... my whole life for the past...um..9 yrs has been uncertainty. Hanging by a thread all the time, never knowing just what will work out and what will fall through. Literally being like a couple of hours away from complete disaster... imagine planning a dinner party and not knowing until ten minutes before your guests arrive whether you will actually have any food... THAT has been my life. It never stops. If i don't let go then it will stay that way... but i can't let go. Can't hang on, can't let go. Around and around and around.
i asked my T if i bored him... or frustrated him. i keep waiting for that. He asked why i would ask... but he missed the boat by then asking if he appeared bored. i was able to skip out of why i might ask by just saying no. Cat and mouse. i don't mean to play games but that one made me laugh a little. It was the end of session and too late to go into how unimportant i feel... but i know it, i'll bring it up another time.
i *think* i have the right T.. maybe.. yes? no? i don't know. In many ways yes, definitely. i just crave that one thing. hahaha.. how ironic! A woman and a little girl just went down the street past my apt and the little girl was just whining the word "me" over and over... hahahaha.. too funny. That is exactly how i feel.
i suppose my psych stuff is like my medical stuff..i don't *look* sick. i don't cry or look depressed mostly.. i don't look like i am in chronic pain either.
i want a real hug.. from a real life person. A hug that means something you know? not just the light touch how are you hug... i want to be held. i don't remember the last time someone held me.
Posted by B2chica on June 11, 2007, at 8:28:00
In reply to Re: Life is complicated- extra long » B2chica, posted by Dory on June 8, 2007, at 15:50:50
i understand it does feel whiny, but just remember you aren't. you are just trying to figure things out. i'm sorry you are hurting so much. and i'm not sure with what's going on about not talking about certain thing *here*. but i hope you can open up to someone, somewhere you feel comfortable doing so.
does journaling help any?and believe me i understand the uncertainty thing. its a feeling that i wish others didn't have to feel. although i am so used to that that i don't know any other way of feeling. i think mine even more dwells into the distrust genre. i finally trusted a T and spilled all and for the first time in my life, i felt ok. and i finally felt what it was to really trust someone. it felt good. but i just don't expect that in everyday life. i don't think i ever will.
i guess what i'm saying is after so long we adapt to our survival needs. we learn what to do to protect ourselves and our emotional health, even if it is a 'not so' healthy thing to do.and you mentioned how you what your T to feel proud of you, and if you bored him and such....i know i'm just untrusting and synical, but if you want your T to feel these things...well, that's just one more person that can let you down, why put him in that type of (power) position?
but i say that knowing that i've felt similar before. i guess we all look for that caring approval that we never got growing up.
d@mn, lately i've been so freaking angry....why did i have to grow up is such a Freaking DYSFUNCTIONAL environment!!!!!!
i am Busting my @$$ trying not to continue the cycle, and it seems like i've been fighting an uphill battle ALL my life...and though ive realized before i don't think it will ever get easier....i think i'm on the verge of accepting it.and it doesn't matter to me that you don't 'look' sick. just because our outside doesn't match our inside doesn't make it ANY less valid!
******************
about the hug...it made me think of a post a couple years ago. someone living in NY mentioned that there was this "place" that you could sign up for and it was basically a group that would get together for 'human contact'. they would get together specifically to be held...
...never heard much more of it....interesting, no?-i just wanted to let you know that it proves that there are MANY others out there that feel the same way.
*******************but, i do know just what you are saying about the REAL HUG....a good 5 min hug. i'm married and still don't get those.
the last one i got was about 3 years ago from a VERY close male friend of mine. God i can still feel it. it was so wonderful....we were talking about our depression and pains from past and he reached over and held me, it lasted forever....here's wishing that for you D.
b2c.
Posted by Dory on June 11, 2007, at 18:51:05
In reply to Re: Life is complicated- extra long, posted by B2chica on June 11, 2007, at 8:28:00
i can't talk about certain things here because i am afraid it would be found and it would cause a lot of damage. i know it's a remote possibility, but in my case it's a higher risk than for most.
you're right, wanting emotional stuff from him makes him one more person who could let me down... but it could also be a chance to have one person prove my theories wrong... and i need to learn from someone what these things are about. He is doing what is called limited re-parenting.. he is trying to help me learn what i did not learn early in life, like how to manage my emotions and my needs from other people.
i would so sign up for a place that gave contact like that. Your hug with your friend sounds so nice.. happy for you, sad for me
thanx for responding
Posted by muffled on June 11, 2007, at 22:27:56
In reply to Re: Life is complicated- extra long » B2chica, posted by Dory on June 11, 2007, at 18:51:05
Dory, don't wanto weird you out, but one time, one of the coolest hugs I got, it come from a street person. Dunno why, but mebbe cuz it was so special to that person that I wasn't rejecting them ? or mebbe I just really needed a hug myself? I dunno, but it sure warmed my heart.
I feel so comfortable really with these people and I get weird comments from people that i don't understand, but anyways, if your comfortable w/street people, they good people lotsa them. If there's a drop in center you can go have coffee.
Maybe there's a place where you can do some work w/handicapped kids or something? I also get a hug a long time ago from a kid, I think mebbe he was autistic, can't remember, but my body remembers the happy hug.
There's so many out there who need touch.....
I hope you can find someone and share some hugs, cuz there's lots out there in need of them.
Take care Dory.
Sorry I not around much.
Hang in there.
You got a good heart.
Muffled
Posted by B2chica on June 12, 2007, at 8:39:35
In reply to Re: Life is complicated- dam rights » Dory, posted by muffled on June 11, 2007, at 22:27:56
OH Muffly, have you ever worked with children with down syndrome??!!
THEY"RE WONDERFL!
They LOVE to hug and be touched (handholding and such)...they love that human contact....
unfortunately they always told us when they get a little older not to encourage it cuz it's inappropriate for them to run up to people and hug when they are adults....
(rasberry here. i Never refused hugs from them...maybe its' cuz i needed them more than they did.) all that i ever met had Wonderful dispositions, always gave 100% at whatever they were doing. and Loved hugs as rewards!sometimes when people see kids with DS they say 'aww..that's too bad', i see it as one more decent human being in this world!
my close friend said that he thinks it is Gods way of trying to bring more love on this earth! what a wonderful thing to think!thanks for making me remember this!
b2c.
Posted by Dory on June 13, 2007, at 9:32:52
In reply to Re: Life is complicated- dam rights » Dory, posted by muffled on June 11, 2007, at 22:27:56
thanks muffy... i know i said i'd take any hug.. but truth be told i'd rather it came from someone who knew me and wanted to hug me anyway... someone who would hug me in spite of everything you know? i have no prob with street people..i volunteered at a drop in center for peeps with mental illness...like way worse off than any of us... waaay worse.
it's ok not to be around when you're busy... we just miss you
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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