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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on June 7, 2007, at 12:26:11
I meet with a new therapist today in less than an hour.
I also saw current T (Ginny) this morning. For the first time in quite awhile, I left feeling good about the session. Not good because it wasnt hurtful, but good because it was actually helpful in some ways. OF COURSE this has to happen right when I've finally gotten up the courage to meet new therapists. Now I feel like I dont want to leave and dont want to go to this appt today. The leader of the DBT group I was in recommended to me that I report Anne to the licensing board - the old therapist I had who abandoned me with no termination blah blah blah. Ginny and I talked about that today and whether or not it's a good idea. Also talked about the possibility of me meeting with Anne one more time to get an explanation for what happened. Ginny thinks it may be a good idea for me but wants to talk about it a lot more and prepare myself more before I really consider doing it. She also said she'd be willing to sort of mediate before the actual appt and tell Anne what I was looking for in hopes that I could actually get it. I'd definitely have Ginny's support through it. We talked some about whether or not itd be a good idea but there's a lot more talking to be done. For once I feel supported and good about Ginny's help with this. Of course my sudden good feelings may be partially related to the very fact that I'm about to meet someone new and dont want to lose Ginny. Dont know.
Anyway.. my appt is in 35 minutes. I'm going to be honest about the fact that I see Ginny and am still debating what to do. If nothing else, I'll at least know whether this new woman is any good or not and have her in the background as a potential option.
I'll let you all know how it goes.
Posted by gardenergirl on June 7, 2007, at 13:35:27
In reply to therapy today, x2, posted by wishingstar on June 7, 2007, at 12:26:11
I hope it goes well, wishingstar. I've always been impressed by how invested you are with your therapy. You keep working at it, and I mean that in a good way, despite the difficulties. That shows a commitment to healing and hope. And it sounds like it's been quite difficult to maintain that. Good for you! :)
I'm glad Ginny was supportive and helpful today in talking about the situation with Anne. It seems like things always go that way, though, right? You decide to buy a new car, and the old one stops doing that thing that made you want to ditch it. You have this problem, and you go to the doctor, but when you get there, it stops.
I think your insight about your feelings about switching makes a lot of sense. It's got to be complicated and confusing.
Hopefully today's session with the new T will help you sort out your feelings more.
Take care,
gg
Posted by wishingstar on June 7, 2007, at 14:44:48
In reply to Re: therapy today, x2 » wishingstar, posted by gardenergirl on June 7, 2007, at 13:35:27
Well, I saw the new T. While I did like her, I dont think it's going to work out. I told her about my abandonment issues and trust with therapists and she told me that she is considering relocating in about 6 months. She said none of her colleagues or other clients even know yet and it isnt definite, but she wanted me to know. I thanked her several times for being honest and telling me. She seemed like a nice woman and someone I could potentially work with, but I dont think I want to get involved knowing it'll only be 6 months. I dont want to start needing her and then lose her.
She's probably in her 50s but just got her counseling degree and began practicing 2 years ago. She went to the same university I did my undergrad/grad work in psychology at (its in the town) and we had several of the same professors.. we even took the same counseling techniques class with the same professor! Different semester of course. Weird. She was very sweet.. but almost too sweet. For instance, I had to spell the names of some of the drugs I've taken for her and she commented that I must thing she's dumb. It was a joke, but I just get the feeling that she's a very sensitive person. I dont want to have to worry about her, and I think I'd be tempted to. She did say that she believes strongly in holding people to the feelings and not allowing the intellectualization that I'm so good at, which is great.. but I dont know. Too sweet, moving in 6 months... she asked me to call and let her know either way.. but I dont think I'll see her again.
Plus, Ginny used to work at this center and apparently theyre all very close to her there. They all love her (so do I!) but the connection felt odd.
I see another new T on Monday.
Posted by wishingstar on June 7, 2007, at 14:47:37
In reply to Re: therapy today, x2 » wishingstar, posted by gardenergirl on June 7, 2007, at 13:35:27
> I hope it goes well, wishingstar. I've always been impressed by how invested you are with your therapy. You keep working at it, and I mean that in a good way, despite the difficulties. That shows a commitment to healing and hope. And it sounds like it's been quite difficult to maintain that. Good for you! :)
>*** Thanks gg. I appreciate you saying that. I dont know though.. sometimes I wonder if it's not good therapy I'm committed to, but rather I'm committed to constantly messing myself up and sabotaging to ensure I still get the attention. It's not a conscious thing I'm doing on purpose, but I wonder. Who says I deserve to get exactly what I want out of therapy? I could function without it. I just LIKE it. Ehhhh..... I really do want to feel better though. I want good therapy and I want to feel heard and understood. I'm sure I'm just being dumb and beating myself up for nothing... that's a pattern for me.
Thanks for your well wishes. I always appreciate your thoughts.
Posted by Dory on June 7, 2007, at 23:47:49
In reply to new T report, posted by wishingstar on June 7, 2007, at 14:44:48
congrats on your courage wishy. It takes a lot to do what you are doing... which is taking control of your own care. i know it's tempting to feel guilty, etc, but it's YOU in the end, not them, that is what is important. You wouldn't feel guilty or worried about trying a different dentist.
By meeting these new T's you will have options to either make a change or stick with Ginny... and if you choose the latter you will probably have a stronger understanding of what it is about your relationship with her that works for you.
i know this is hard but you're doing a great job!
Posted by wishingstar on June 8, 2007, at 9:30:15
In reply to Re: new T report » wishingstar, posted by Dory on June 7, 2007, at 23:47:49
thanks dory. you made a good point... even if at the end of all this i decide to stick with ginny, at least it will have been a purposeful choice among many options.
hopefully monday with the other new T goes well. its been a hard week.
Posted by Dory on June 9, 2007, at 18:59:28
In reply to Re: new T report » Dory, posted by wishingstar on June 8, 2007, at 9:30:15
how did things ever go with that kid? i don't recall but you may have told me. i have been so worn out my memory and everything else is shot.
Posted by wishingstar on June 10, 2007, at 10:37:28
In reply to Re: new T report » wishingstar, posted by Dory on June 9, 2007, at 18:59:28
dory, thanks for asking.
I posted something about it in the thread above but I'm not sure how much I posted, so sorry if this is a repeat..
I went and saw her and her parents about two weeks ago. Her mom was angry but managable. Her dad yelled at me, called me incompetent, criminal, "dont you know anything about teenagers or your job" etc. I tried to validate his feelings but stood my ground pretty well. I truly had no choice legally but to call CPS, regardless of what they say.
Luckily, I'd taken a xanax before all this. I very rarely take it, but I'm glad I did. I was still panicing inside, but I think it's the xanax that let me respond well externally.
Then I saw the girl. She avoided me at school (where I usually get her) but I went to her home and found her there. She agreed to walk around the block with me (I was actually surprised by this) and told me, quite angrily, why she was so mad. Felt like we just passed her off because we didnt want to deal with her, that we arent doing out job, feels betrayed, etc. I validated her feelings the best I could and layed out for her why I did what I did and the position that I had been put in, but she didnt really hear it I dont think. I really felt that it was promising that she talked to me though.
Well, the other clinician went out a few days later and the kid is not so mad at her, so shes talking to her. Basically, that clinician feels like it'll be more useful, since we only have 3 months left with this kid, for her to just work directly with her. She advised me to call and give the kid the option of whether she wanted to keep seeing me, as even a week later we could tell she wasnt going to lessen her anger any time soon. She chose not to. So I'm not seeing her any more. But shes talking to the other clinician, so she hasnt shut down ocmpletely.. so I guess I'm okay with that. The other clinician says I've become the scapegoat for the anger for this situation (because the other clinician was in on the CPS call too) and if that's really true, then I'm okay with that.
I'm struggling a lot with the idea behind therapy right now. That I get to hurt her and betray her trust to badly and then just walk away saying "well, thats my job, on to the next case". I dont want that kind of power and I definitely dont want the ability to just hide behind the professionalism and walk away from these things like it doesnt matter to me. It just feels wrong. I truly do care about this girl and I KNOW she feels like I dont. If I did, how could I just walk away, right? I know that's how I'd feel. Externally, while working with her, I did keep the boundaries and professionalism up... I'm not someone with super tight boundaries in this job, but I did keep the counselors hat on. I had to. But the truth is, she is the kid that has been most important to me of all my clients so far. This situation is particular has taught me a lot about my own therapy. It's interesting to be on the other side of the couch. Even though it seems to obvious to her that I dont care because of my actions, I really do... and I think maybe that happens more than I (we?) realize with our own therapists.
I'm going to talk to Laurie in a few days about this. I think I'll make a post about it below.
Posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2007, at 14:43:09
In reply to Re: therapy today, x2 » gardenergirl, posted by wishingstar on June 7, 2007, at 14:47:37
It's hard to feel okay about therapy sometimes when we see others who are struggling more and who may not have the access we do. The whole system isn't fair. But it doesn't mean that we don't deserve to work on ourselves and to have help with that, even if we can function without it. I like therapy, too, though there are times I want to avoid it, of course. I think you have to like it to stick with it long-term. Or at least like what comes of it.
And it's going to be paid forward through working with your clients, you know. :)
gg
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