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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by philyra on May 20, 2007, at 23:10:13
In reply to T + termination, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 20, 2007, at 14:49:44
Hi Ll, i too terminated before i was really ready because i had to move...i ended up processing the termination with a new therapist. it helped a lot, and it took a while. so, you might think about that...the new T will be a place to deal with termination feelings, too, in case you don't feel ready to terminate before it has to happen. are you scared of finding a new T? i found that process really scary. but i found a wonderful one...
philyra
Posted by Dinah on May 21, 2007, at 9:55:43
In reply to Re: T + termination » Phillipa, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 20, 2007, at 20:58:46
> Like the rocking chairs on the sunroom porch of my convalescent home with a view of a pond.
:-)
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 21, 2007, at 20:53:25
In reply to Re: T + termination » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by MidnightBlue on May 20, 2007, at 16:40:31
Behind Door # 1
I just spoke with a T in my "new" area who has many years experience with trauma "survivors"[survivor? what the hell am I anyways? victim? bystander? whatever- irrelevant]
He told me a lot about his practice and about his experiences. Gave me his home phone number.Sounds good. I like his attitudes about therapy and I was able to tell him how nervous I was on the phone, and other juicy details of my therapy history. with trembling voice. I hate the little trembling voice. ugh.
Behind Door #2 is another T who sounds very calm and kind. We didn't get to chat much, I'm not sure that he was ready to answer many of my questions on the phone. Truth is that I didn't have any questions prepared for him, basically we spend a few minutes setting up a session to meet him.
God, next week I have 4 therapy sessions. 2 phone sessions and 2 real sessions with unknown quantities.
oh my. This may be a very long thread... or at least a series of long posts by your one and only LlurpsieNoodle.
Posted by Phillipa on May 21, 2007, at 21:44:56
In reply to behind Door # 1 and Door #2 update, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 21, 2007, at 20:53:25
Li well keep them coming. Love Phillipa
Posted by philyra on May 22, 2007, at 6:03:12
In reply to behind Door # 1 and Door #2 update, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 21, 2007, at 20:53:25
i'm always surprised by how different a T can be on the phone and in person. i had a couples counselor who sounded about 12 on the phone but ended up being totally awesome! (and not 12.)
good luck. hang in there.
philyra
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 23, 2007, at 20:47:16
In reply to T + termination, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 20, 2007, at 14:49:44
I feel so sad to lose everything all at once. Most keenly I feel the loss of pdoc at the moment. I only have one more appt. with him before I'm thrown to the pack of dogs. oh sorry. docs.
And I'm in flat-out denial that I'm going to be changing T's.
I'm so so terrified of everything. Life is really difficult right now. I've built a home for myself, a life for myself. I made my own curtains and got my own cat.
I feel like a fish out of water.
More than anything, I feel fear.
Fear of losing my mind
Fear of losing my hard sought "stability"
Fear of losing connection to those who have helped me so much along the way
Fear of fear itself.
Fear of two upcoming family events. This is the first time I will see them en masse since I confronted them with the truth.
Fear of being alone. Right now, I feel very alone. Maybe I'll babble-chat later on.
So scared for this transition. Really really tormented. I want. I need.I've never been in the situation of saying good-bye to someone forever. Much less two someones all at once and people who have become so dear to me. It's breaking my heart.
Posted by Phillipa on May 23, 2007, at 21:32:09
In reply to I feel so sad..., posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 23, 2007, at 20:47:16
Lurpsie you can still e-mail and post on babble and your friends here can continue to support you that will not change that's a plus. Love Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on May 28, 2007, at 10:33:57
In reply to I feel so sad..., posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 23, 2007, at 20:47:16
I understand completely. Everytime you move on to something, you inevitably leave something behind. That's why I'm so reluctant to move at all.
But... If it's any consolation, in general I find that seeing a transition ahead is the worst part, and finding the transition behind you is much less distressing. I'm not sure if that's the same for you.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 29, 2007, at 16:23:19
In reply to behind Door # 1 and Door #2 update, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 21, 2007, at 20:53:25
> Behind Door # 1
> I just spoke with a T in my "new" area who has many years experience with trauma "survivors"
>
> [survivor? what the hell am I anyways? victim? bystander? whatever- irrelevant]
>
> He told me a lot about his practice and about his experiences. Gave me his home phone number.Sounds good. I like his attitudes about therapy and I was able to tell him how nervous I was on the phone, and other juicy details of my therapy history. with trembling voice. I hate the little trembling voice. ugh.
>
Door #1 turned out to be a guy with a messy office. I like messy, and he had 4 chairs to choose from. I liked that. took copious notes and seemed to ask interesting questions, like which I thought was more damaging the physical or the emotional abuse.I was able to ask him a really difficult question too- like why he told me about another client of him that had severe CSA, in graphic detail?
I told him that it made me uncomfortable on so many levels. he told me at the end of the session that the fact that I could ask that question meant that I was probably going to do very well in therapy.
I was able to tell him hard stuff without much dissociation. He was reassuring and seems to have a lot of experience.
the main mission for my next appt is to read through & fill out a packet of material that he prepared for me and also to figure out whether there is some "method" to healing trauma survivors (i.e. many presumptions and GOALS), or whether he can accommodate the other issues I have going on in my life right now too.
tommorrow I open door #2
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 30, 2007, at 23:10:52
In reply to behind Door # 1 and Door #2 update, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 21, 2007, at 20:53:25
behind door # 2
soft spoken male T who seems gentle. asked me good questions. didn't leap to conclusions or use foul language. (did I mention that door #1 used the words "sympathy f*ck" to describe my obliging my husband even though sex was difficult for me?
so door #2 has some redeeming qualities. Asked good questions make good observations. didn't tell me stories about his other clients that could have possibly upset me
door #1 seems too assuming. too full of himself. like he already knows exactly what to do with me before he's even gotten to know me.
door #2 recognized one of my strengths and told me that it wasn't an act that I was well-spoken and had a nice manner. He said that that was as much a part of me as anything else.
Door #1 said the fact that I could ask him why he told me very very disturbing story during initial phone interview was a sign that I was further along to "healing" than maybe I thought I was.
Door #1 seems a bit too linear for me. Door #2 seems more mysterious.
can you tell which one I'm leaning towards?
boastful vs. unassuming
door #1 has better waiting room, but they both have classical music. That means that if I should ever have a session with nothing to say I can just whistle whatever tune was playing outside.
-Ll
Posted by muffled on May 31, 2007, at 12:54:34
In reply to Door #2 update, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 30, 2007, at 23:10:52
LLurpy.....
GO FOR #2!!!!
But that would just be my choice.....
Thanks fro writing bout this.
Its interesting to me.
(((((LL))))
You ARE a good person.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 31, 2007, at 14:18:46
In reply to Re: Door #2 update » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by muffled on May 31, 2007, at 12:54:34
After talking things over with current T, I decide that T #2 was probably the best one for me right now
my reasons
T1) was pretty pushy, like he had to "sell" himself or something
T1) kind of aggressive. might make me get resistant
T1) has no phD and might be threatened my my PhD, which is why he felt the need to sell himself?
T1) might not as much experience working with a client who expects a certain amount of intellectual stimulation to help her reach insights.
T1) kept on telling me stories about his clients like he was bragging, without really thinking that his stories remind me of bad things. (my oldT did this sometimes. My newT never does this)T2) takes my insurance
T2) emphasized the relation between client and T and helped me understand (without telling me outright) that a male T at this point could help me work through some of my issues with males
T2) seemed less threatening
T2) soft spoken, not in my face. nice calm voice
T2) already picked up on 2 important things. The difference between rage-abuse and sadistic-abuse
T2) worked at the VA for 30 years and has seen plenty of PTSD.I found out today that T2) was my currentT's preference based on telephone interviews with both candidates, and that pretty much shut the door on candidaTe #1
Now I need a name for the newestT
something short and comprehensible
how about quieT?
-Ll
Posted by scratchpad on May 31, 2007, at 15:19:51
In reply to YAY I FOUND A NEW T !!!!, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 31, 2007, at 14:18:46
Yay!!!
QuieT!!!!
Posted by Phillipa on May 31, 2007, at 18:49:49
In reply to Re: YAY I FOUND A NEW T !!!! » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by scratchpad on May 31, 2007, at 15:19:51
I would have picked door 2 also. But you don't want him too quiet. Or do you talk so much he won't be able to? Love Phillipa
Posted by Fallsfall on May 31, 2007, at 19:02:14
In reply to YAY I FOUND A NEW T !!!!, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 31, 2007, at 14:18:46
Great job, Llurpsie!
I wish you progress and peace.
Posted by MidnightBlue on June 1, 2007, at 11:21:26
In reply to Door #2 update, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 30, 2007, at 23:10:52
Definitely Door #2! Sounds like a smart T, too!
MB
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 1, 2007, at 11:29:38
In reply to Re: Door #2 update » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by MidnightBlue on June 1, 2007, at 11:21:26
Thank you all for your input- of course the real test is how we get along in the long run, but I will go with my gut in the short run, and assimilate all the info I can, since that's all I can do.
thanks again,
-Ll
:)
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 18, 2007, at 10:51:55
In reply to Re: Door #2 update » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by MidnightBlue on June 1, 2007, at 11:21:26
Door Number Two for sure. He seems to be more sophisticated than Door Number One. Solid theory. Face that seems calm, not turbulent.
He's said a couple of things that make a lot of sense to me
Having gotten my history, in the first session, he said "you sound like you've got a serious case of PTSD" without my having said those words to him. No differential diagnosis, he just seemed to know.
I was bemoaning how I didn't know how to relax and be a happy housewife, that I was used to running on pure adrenalin, and I was worried that I was unable to turn off anxiety. He suggested that maybe it was time to start looking and doing research about open positions in my area. Things like post-docs or research jobs that I would be qualified for. I think I should take it easy, and he seemed to agree with that
He suggested that I become more active with my music (this was after a single session in which I barely touched upon my fiddling as an example of situations in which I got stagefright). Unfortunately, orchestra season is only during the school year, however, I *could* practice my scales and audition pieces so that I would feel more confident. I told him that when I play violin my mind feels clear, because the music was so compelling.
I often feel like my social graces are some kind of act that I learned by living amongst difficult adults, trying to please everyone to stay out of trouble. He flipped it around and said that my social manners and friendly impression were at least as much a part of me as anything else. I was left thinking- maybe this guy has picked up on one of my strengths (which my former T did too). I always resist this one though. I don't suffer from social anxiety, but I always base my initial social contact with someone on some sort of learned code, or set of rules. At least the T-client relationship has a set of rules from the get-go. I've found that certain rules (again) will keep me out of trouble, and this may be one of the reasons why I seem nice and friendly and well-liked, yet have a difficult time forming and maintaining real friendships.
I blurted out "after a year of therapy, I still don't know what therapy is all about. I just go blah blah blah, and sometimes I feel better". He said "that's how it works- all you need to do is go blah blah blah, and we'll figure it out together". Sounds low-pressure, which I need right now.
I mentioned how I was initially in therapy because I was having concentration issues, and because I had diagnosed myself with major depression. Then I started getting all of this icky stuff related to memories of my turbulent past. He said that therapy often exacerbates symptoms, particularly for PTSD. Somehow he said it in a way that led me to having hope. Particularly because I feel that the PTSD symptoms proper have been better lately. I've just been having a lot of problems with anxiety and keeping the depression from settling in and making itself at home.
I felt more light and optimistic after the session (which I had been silently dreading) and intellectually stimulated, which is important to me- keep the noggin working, you know?
I'll keep you posted, whether you like it or not.
Thanks for reading my thread, I really appreciate it-
with care,
-Ll
Posted by sunnydays on June 18, 2007, at 14:15:15
In reply to QuieT the new T » MidnightBlue, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 18, 2007, at 10:51:55
Do you feel you will be able to get emotional with your new T Llurpsie? You seem to have focused a lot on more intellectual qualities in your description. Do you feel safe there? My T is not very intellectual at all, which I would think should annoy me because I really am, but it's better. Therapy is my emotional place and the place to take care of the emotional side of me, as my T constantly reminds me. He says that a lot of times staying in my head and thinking about things all the time is what keeps me feeling lousy.
I'm just hoping your T can reach both sides of you. It's really important that you can access your emotions in T. It sounds like you are sticking to a lot of intellectualizing in your description, which can be really important as a way to not get overwhelmed by emotion, so you don't need to stop that. I'm just wondering if your emotional needs will get met there.
sunnydays
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 18, 2007, at 16:07:43
In reply to Re: QuieT the new T » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by sunnydays on June 18, 2007, at 14:15:15
> Do you feel you will be able to get emotional with your new T Llurpsie? You seem to have focused a lot on more intellectual qualities in your description. Do you feel safe there? My T is not very intellectual at all, which I would think should annoy me because I really am, but it's better. Therapy is my emotional place and the place to take care of the emotional side of me, as my T constantly reminds me. He says that a lot of times staying in my head and thinking about things all the time is what keeps me feeling lousy.
>
> I'm just hoping your T can reach both sides of you. It's really important that you can access your emotions in T. It sounds like you are sticking to a lot of intellectualizing in your description, which can be really important as a way to not get overwhelmed by emotion, so you don't need to stop that. I'm just wondering if your emotional needs will get met there.
>
> sunnydaysHi Sunny- that's a good observation. I've known for a long time that the intellectual is my most important coping/defense mechanism. It's in my blood. Interesting that my husband is not very intellectual huh? Yet H is there for me emotionally. I must seem like a strange bird to him. :)
My first T told me near the end of my stay with him that "for you, it was always in your head, up here...and I interpreted that as semi-criticism, semi-observation, mostly truth.
It will be important that my quieT doesn't get TOO emotionally worked up, like my first T, who seemed kind of agitated, impatient.
It will be important that I learn to let another person into my feeling-zone, and allow another person (man) to show me something different than what I am accustomed too. I guess it's going to be important for me to talk about T-me relationship. First I have to feel safe and he has to earn my trust and my respect. One channel for that would be through appealing to my intellect, another channel would be through his reactions to my feelings, which I'm protective of.
My currentT's observation of my quieT is that he had a very soothing, calming manner on the phone, even when discussing the business of referrals and such. I trust her judgement more than my own on these matters. She has more experience than I do, with judging how emotionally present a person can be.
thanks for your ideas. I'm embarrassed to say that I hoped that (once again) my emotional needs would be met by appealing to my nerdiness.
-Ll
Posted by MidnightBlue on June 18, 2007, at 16:27:43
In reply to QuieT the new T » MidnightBlue, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 18, 2007, at 10:51:55
WOW LL,
He really sounds GOOD! How nice to have someone who sees your good qualities as well as your problems.
So let's make a schedule for LL! She needs some meditation time, some violin practice time, a little bit of housework, some grocery shopping, time for a bike ride or walk, some computer time to keep in touch with her friends, rocking chair time to gaze out over that pond, some hubby time, and a few minutes each day exploring jobs/volunteer work in your new surroundings. OH I forgot cat petting and knitting! You do knit don't you?
Gentle safe hugs,
Midnightblue
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 18, 2007, at 16:35:57
In reply to Re: QuieT the new T » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by MidnightBlue on June 18, 2007, at 16:27:43
> WOW LL,
>
> He really sounds GOOD! How nice to have someone who sees your good qualities as well as your problems.
>
> So let's make a schedule for LL! She needs some meditation time, some violin practice time, a little bit of housework, some grocery shopping, time for a bike ride or walk, some computer time to keep in touch with her friends, rocking chair time to gaze out over that pond, some hubby time, and a few minutes each day exploring jobs/volunteer work in your new surroundings. OH I forgot cat petting and knitting! You do knit don't you?
>
> Gentle safe hugs,
>
> Midnightblue
>
>
>
MB, that sounds perfect. You want to join me? I'll teach you how to knit?making a felted hat now, possibly with some embellishment. (what? ME? embellishing. God forbid)
today I spent too much time in front of the computer, but the breaks I did have were spent doing a guided meditation (nothing major, just 20 minutes of my day) knitting aforementioned hat, cat petting, and here I am, back at the computer. Thank GOD you and sunnydays are posting to me. otherwise I'd just be a pigeon pecking at a button until sometime tonight, or whenever people feel like posting.
I'm glad you like quieT. I think I like him too. I guess "liking" is a good start, huh?
-Ll
Posted by sunnydays on June 18, 2007, at 16:52:01
In reply to Re: QuieT the new T » sunnydays, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 18, 2007, at 16:07:43
No reason to be embarrassed. It's so hard to access feelings, I know. I'm just barely (barely) getting comfortable with them. My T is also very calming and soothing, and that's one of the more important things in our relationship. He told me the other day, "I think we're well matched because I'm a genuine, authentic sort of person, what you see is what you get with me, and it seems like you really need someone genuine and authentic."
It sounds to me like you need someone genuine too, to allow you to trust. Good luck with your new T. I hope you can trust him and it turns out well for you.
sunnydays
Posted by DAisym on June 18, 2007, at 19:50:37
In reply to Re: QuieT the new T » sunnydays, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 18, 2007, at 16:07:43
I think knowing that you need to *know* will help you access your feelings and build trust. I would hate it if my therapist wouldn't engage in the intellectual process with me, as well as the emotional stuff. He reminds me when I'm in my head too much, but he respects my need to know. Debating theory has calmed down, but occasionally I'll throw things at him like, "who ever designed this system of regression and transference s*cks!" He laughs.
Your new therapist sounds great. I wanted to mention that I smiled when I read what you wrote about surprising your therapist. Isn't nice to know we keep them on their toes? During my therapist's vacation last year, I left my husband. It was interesting to talk about why I did it when he was gone and how he felt for once.
Posted by Phillipa on June 18, 2007, at 21:35:44
In reply to Re: QuieT the new T » MidnightBlue, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 18, 2007, at 16:35:57
Lurpsie although I don't have a brain like yours I'm accused by my pdoc and therapist of intellectuizing everything. So it's a defense mechanism. Never thought of it that way. Love Phillipa
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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