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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Happyflower on May 22, 2007, at 8:25:49
I just want to hide from life. Life just sucks and I just want to disapear. I feel so in the dumps. I want to hide in the sewer pipes and stay there until the world is safe again. I am hurting so bad. :-( I feel like I have to fight for every ounce of happiness, I am tired of fighting for everything. I want to give up.
Posted by LadyBug on May 22, 2007, at 9:53:25
In reply to I am not doing very well, posted by Happyflower on May 22, 2007, at 8:25:49
(((((((HAPPYFLOWER)))))))
Can I come and join you? I'm so down today too. I saw my T yesterday. She's the only thing I can hold on to right now. My husband said some really cruel things last night as I was trying to go to sleep. He told me to get me a** out last night. I want to leave, just don't know just where to go, either back to my home town where I'd be looking for a new job and living with parents till I figure life out, or stay here and live in my car. Not really, but housing prices are so high I may as well live in my car, that's all I can afford!
I called my T last night after midnight, leaving her a message, crying my eyes out. I hate my life and can't go on living like this. I'm to the point of leaving my kids just to get away from my spouse. I hate him. I just want to die and end this so called life.
I'm sorry you're hurting, I know how you feel. It sucks and for me, it doesn't get any better.
I wish we could meet up and create some laughter and fun!!!! Bring our T's with us and a blankie, and just hang out! What do you think? In our dreams! What's left? My T is the only thing I have left that keeps me going, and that's insane. She can't take me home and take care of me. I wish I could go to her house and have her tuck me into bed and let me sleep for a few days.
Sad hugs, but better than no hugs for you.
LadyBug
Posted by muffled on May 22, 2007, at 10:16:32
In reply to I am not doing very well, posted by Happyflower on May 22, 2007, at 8:25:49
> I just want to hide from life. Life just sucks and I just want to disapear. I feel so in the dumps. I want to hide in the sewer pipes and stay there until the world is safe again. I am hurting so bad. :-( I feel like I have to fight for every ounce of happiness, I am tired of fighting for everything. I want to give up.
**Ya me too.
To tired to fight, tired of fight. Lost.
But we fighters
We will never surrender.
Stupid f*cking world not gonnas get us.
NOPE.
Take care ((((HF))))
Posted by Phillipa on May 22, 2007, at 12:11:35
In reply to Re: I am not doing very well » Happyflower, posted by muffled on May 22, 2007, at 10:16:32
Happyflower a let down from your fabulous weekend? Love Phillipa
Posted by Happyflower on May 22, 2007, at 15:45:26
In reply to I am not doing very well, posted by Happyflower on May 22, 2007, at 8:25:49
Hey thanks ladybug, muffy and phillipa, I want to respond to you each, but I just can't right now.
I think everything in my life has come to a head right now on my shoulders. I just took a xanax, I forgot I had them, I am not used to medicating my problems, so I guess I should start now. I have been crying all day, no energy to even buy food. I had to run to Taco Bell for the kids becasue there was no lunch stuff in the house. I don't want to exercise anymore, I went this morning out of rountine, and left after 15 min, feeling queasy and not wanting to respond to the comments that I look tired, or one said I looked like hell, one thought I was having an astma attack, one said I looked like a ghost.
I have been feeling in the dumps for some time now, I have been trying to fight it, I had this last weekend to look forward to. Now it is over , and there seems to be nothing to look forward to. I am just in bed crying, watching TV, and wanting to just pull the covers over my head. I don't want to make dinner tonight. I just want to be left alone in my hole I guess.
I guess I have depression, I want to talk to my T about how bad I have gotten over the last month.I called him today and left a message asking him is he really that busy that he didn't have an opening in 2 weeks. I asked him if I should call somebody else because I didn't know what to do. Well he did call back and left a message, because I couldn't even answer the phone. He said he is taking this fri. and mon off, and that is why the weeks are so full. He said he would keep me in mind if he gets a cancellation. I don't know, I feel like giving up on him, and trying someone else. or maybe just dealing with this myself, the way I have always dealt with things. At least If I disapoint myself, it won't hurt as bad as being hurt by others.
I am sorry I am unloading all of this, but I feel so desparte and I just want help, and my T doesn't have time for me. I don't even know if I want to go to my appointment next Thurs. I feel like just not showing up, I know that pisses him off. But I don't know if I can be that irresponsible and mean. Well he is wrong about something, my life IS a sh*t sandwich. I guess he can't taste it, but I can.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 22, 2007, at 16:43:28
In reply to Re: I am not doing very well, posted by Happyflower on May 22, 2007, at 15:45:26
My dear Happyflower,
You sound like you're in the middle of depression and just opening your eyes to it.Don't be afraid of it. Don't fight it. But care for it, just like you would care for a sick child.
You are having problems "connecting" with your T on many levels. You can't get an appt. You can't communicate with him. That's okay. There are other places where you can find peace until you get help.
Even though it hurts to move out of your misery, and you want to crawl into a safe space, remember that there are those who you care about, and who care about you. Talk to them, allow them to understand what you are going through. Just as you have shared with us. Talk to your husband. You may not feel "connected" to him, but he is human, and probably will respond with compassion.
Find a small bit of beauty in your world today. A flower in your bountiful garden. A smile on your child's face, the wagging of a tail.
Would you judge yourself so harshly if you were another person. Remember all the times when you have cared for others, and share a little of that care with yourself. You deserve it.
Talk to us too. We care.
This may be a good time to talk with a doctor or psychiatrist about medication, like an antidepressant. There are a lot of options. At first you may feel strange, asking for help in the form of little pills that make you feel funny. In time, you may learn to recognize that the pills are there so that you can care for and about yourself. (although even after a year I struggle with taking the little buggers!)
We care-- Keep us posted
-Ll
Posted by Nathan_Arizona on May 22, 2007, at 16:58:40
In reply to I am not doing very well, posted by Happyflower on May 22, 2007, at 8:25:49
Yeah, sometimes I feel like everything is a fight too and that I cam constantly struggling to keep my head out of that black water.
I think it is okay to just want to give up every now and again and that feeling this way sometimes is normal for all of us.
Things will get better, but until they do just take things on day, one hour, one minute at a time.
I'm Thinking about you
Posted by Happyflower on May 22, 2007, at 17:54:22
In reply to Re: I am not doing very well » Happyflower, posted by Nathan_Arizona on May 22, 2007, at 16:58:40
I asked my DH to go grocery shopping with me tonight because there isn't anything in the house and I don't have the energy to even push the cart around. I told him I think I am depressed. He said he thinks I am too. He has been through it before. He seemed to almost care, well he went to the store with me and made some meal decisions, which I find the hardest sometimes. (i could just eat my fiber one honey clusters all day and night). We managed to not even fight and he didn't make me feel like a sh*tty wife for once.
Then as he was putting the bags in the car, my T called! It was weird, but he had a cancellation tomorrow at 11:00. I thanked him, now I have to try to pull myself together and take a bath to go tomorrow. I guess there is some hope. My doctor said I could take two xanax, I think I will try it now. I just want the night to go as fast as possible and zone out. One zanax made me stop crying a bit or less, so maybe 2 will zonk me out. I am happy I see my T, but scared too. He seemed happy to be able to see me. But I feel like I will totally lose it when I see him. I feel naked and bare emotionally, I don't want to fight anymore.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 22, 2007, at 19:00:14
In reply to Re: I am not doing very well, posted by Happyflower on May 22, 2007, at 17:54:22
> I asked my DH to go grocery shopping with me tonight because there isn't anything in the house and I don't have the energy to even push the cart around. I told him I think I am depressed. He said he thinks I am too. He has been through it before. He seemed to almost care, well he went to the store with me and made some meal decisions, which I find the hardest sometimes. (i could just eat my fiber one honey clusters all day and night). We managed to not even fight and he didn't make me feel like a sh*tty wife for once.
Aww that is very kind of him. :)
>
> I am happy I see my T, but scared too. He seemed happy to be able to see me. But I feel like I will totally lose it when I see him. I feel naked and bare emotionally, I don't want to fight anymore.It's okay to be naked and bare. T's job is to take you in, no matter how sorry and pathetic you may feel as you wait in the waiting room. Hope? just a little bit?
If you don't take a bath, that's okay too. I think I've showed up for T in sweats, and quasi PJ's before. No need to impress them. They've seen it all.
_ll
Posted by Poet on May 22, 2007, at 19:01:00
In reply to Re: I am not doing very well, posted by Happyflower on May 22, 2007, at 17:54:22
Hi Happyflower,
I hope the Xanax helped and that seeing your T helps, too. If you need a sewer pipe to hide in they are redoing the ones under my street and so there's a bunch of them above ground you can hide in.
Take care. It was great chatting with you last night.
Poet
Posted by jammerlich on May 22, 2007, at 19:22:52
In reply to Re: I am not doing very well, posted by Happyflower on May 22, 2007, at 17:54:22
Happyflower, I'm so glad your T called with news of a cancellation tomorrow. I think he probably sounded happy to be seeing you tomorrow because he IS. He obviously cares about you very much.
Now, this is a "do as I say and not as I do" sort of thing; but, just let yourself lose it tomorrow when you go in if that's what you need to do. It's OK. Let him see how you really feel. The more he understands, the more he'll be able to help you.
You'll still keep the appointment you have scheduled for next week, right? I hope so. It really sounds like you could use the extra support right now.
I burned my candle today, btw. This hasn't been the best week and it was comforting to look at it and think of you and the other wonderful babblers I met this weekend.
Posted by muffled on May 23, 2007, at 10:32:15
In reply to Re: I am not doing very well, posted by Happyflower on May 22, 2007, at 17:54:22
Posted by Happyflower on May 23, 2007, at 12:42:15
In reply to how'd it go? (nm) » Happyflower, posted by muffled on May 23, 2007, at 10:32:15
Thanks for thinking of me. I took two xanax last night, and I went to sleep at a good time, and got about 8 hours. It was so hard I was crying all morning and when I parked my car in the garage to go see my T , I threw up right there, and this guy I work out at my gym,(that uses the same parking garage) a local newsancher saw me. Talk about embarresing, but I told him I just didn't feel well, and I was really okay. He got me a cloth at the gym and a bottle of water. Never have I started a session like that.
I didn't have to wait which was good, but when I saw him I lost my voice and couldn't even talk, I tried to talk and out came squeaks. He really really was looking at me because I was tearing up and finally all I could get out is give me your trash can in case I puke. He didn't waste anytime with that request. He waited until I talked. It was so hard. He really got serious with me because he could tell I was really stuggling. I usually am in a good mood when I see him and talk quite freely.
I first told him it was hard to say (this was all sqeaks)because I thought he would be disappointed in me for doing so bad and I am diapointed in myself becuase I want to be better but I am not. Then I told him I think I am depressed, and why, some things I haven't even said on Babble. He asked me what meds I was on, and asked me what I wanted to do. He thought maybe the pain pills (which I am not taking) were making me feel sick. He asked me again if I was taking the vicodin, I said no. I don't like to take pills.
I said I think it is situational depression, not really physcial. He agreed. Normally he talks a lot, but this time he was really listening to me, letting me take my time. I told him how much physical pain I am in after chiro therapy, he had no idea of how bad it has gotten. Plus it is costing out of my pocket 1200 a month until I can settle up with the insurance co. It had caused some major financial problems (tempory), but BIG ones. Well I am a good actress, I don't want anyone to worry about me.
I said I know what the damn signs of depression are of depression and I know what to do to help, and I have been trying, fighting, and I seem to be losing the battle. He asked me what I think I should do about it. I said I wasn't sure.
But then he asked how I did on my finals, and that went off in a long tangent about my future. I did tell him I changed my major officially. We talked about this, but I think he was trying to distract me. My mood did improve while talking about it. Okay distraction is good, maybe he was gageing how depressed I was, maybe. I mean if he couldn't get me to improve my mood, then I would be really seriously depressed you think? Was he checking that? But I guess I shouldn't be second quessing him.
Okay, I know I am probably leaving a lot out, my head is sort of spinning here. But you will never believe what he did. I wanted to die right there in the chair. Well he played back the message I left him yesterday! The one where I was asking him was he really that busy, or did he just not want to see me. Man, oh, man! He asked what was that all about? He asked me if I thought he was lying. I said no, but I told him that I thought we was being busy to keep me from being to dependent on him and forcing me to wait longer in between sessions. Then he said, so you think I have lied to you. He went on to say that he doesn't lie to me, he was busy and filled up. He seemed to be really bothered by that. He said if he thought I was getting to dependent on him, he would have told me directly, not play games with me. Wow, did I feel like a slug. He didn't seem angry, but he wanted me to know he isn't lying to me. I said I was sorry. He accepted my apology.
Then he said I have an appointment for next week, do I want to keep it. I said yes, feeling kinda scared, thinking he will say no. But he said okay. Thankgoodness. I kinda feel bad that I made him mad about not believing him. But he seems okay with it, but I still feel kinda of guilty. But I do feel better for getting everything off my chest. He said we would contine talking about his next week.
I feel relieved right now that I do have an appointment. I do need him right now, things are really bad (situational stuff). I lot of my happiness it being threatened by a lot of sh*t. It scares me, but I hope I can get through it. One of those major, very major things I will know by next week. That would take a lot of pressure off me. Well I feel like I need a nap. I feel so drained.
I am glad I have my T to talk to. I didn't even get to what fun I had last weekend. The time seems to go too fast in session. But at least I have my next week to hold on, I think I can do that. But I have to try to do something productive everyday until my next session. I think I will weed my flowers today and I put a roast in the crock pot. I have to keep fighting, but now at least I know I am not alone.
Posted by Happyflower on May 23, 2007, at 14:48:32
In reply to Re: I am not doing very well » Happyflower, posted by LadyBug on May 22, 2007, at 9:53:25
Hi Ladybug,
You are so right, you know how it feels, and it totally sucks. I am trying so hard to hang on, but it just seems like it is getting tougher and togher. Now to add big financial problems, if I don't get out of it, I will be living in my car for real. We have the means for getting out of it, but it they keep delaying us getting our money due to my husbands company who he works for bankruptcy, our house will be sold next month, sheriffs action. But I am hoping we can get our money out to pay it before that happens. Plus talk about embarrasment, they put that sh*t in the paper. aauugghhh! Okay the whole world knows we are f*cked. It is so insane, because you have to have the money IN FULL, and each month it just gets bigger and bigger especially with lawyers fee's. It is like I have about 95% of the money, but it isn't good enough, so we keep trying month after month.
Plus all the other sh*t, I feel so guility that it is my medical bills that caused the cash flow problem to begin with. We can't settle up with the other drivers insurance company until I am better. So it taking all our extra money and then some out of our budget until we can settle up. Getting a lawyer will cost mega bucks too if we need to do that for this problem or the above problem. So I have a lot of heavy burdens on my shoulders right now.
I hate all of this, I just want to bury my head. But I am glad I have my T to at least talk to about this. (more bills) I wanted so much to tell my T today that life IS a sh*t sandwich. aaauugghh!
Posted by Happyflower on May 23, 2007, at 15:02:03
In reply to Re: I am not doing very well » Happyflower, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 22, 2007, at 16:43:28
Thanks so much Llurpsie,
You said something to me this last weekend that sort of stuck out in my head. When I said I think I am depressed, you said it is okay to admit it. That meant so much to me for you to say, because it is so hard to admit it, and I didn't even know that I was having that trouble. So I am out in the open where it scares the hell out of me, because when you open up, you can get hurt. But I am trying, I did it a little this weekend, to my DH,and I did to my T .
Another thing this weekend I didn't realize is that I don't talk about my kids much and they are almost my whole life. I am not sure why I don't talk about them, I do in T, when I am having problems. I remember once when I was frusterated with my kids and it therapy I expressed this. My Tsaid I have good kids, he met them, and he was surprised to hear me being frusterated by them. It is true they are good kids, and I am so luckey to have them. But even good kids can frusterate parents. I normally say good stuff about them, so when I upset about them, he was surprised.
So not only did I have a great time this weekend, I learned some stuff about myself. I am still scared of being at the train station alone, lol, but when I listened to my ipod and did math problems, nobody looked at me anymore, so it was good. I guess the point is not to look scared, right?
I did mention you too in T today, I am sad you are moving so far away. :-( But I am happy for you though but I will miss you. You are a star you know, did you name your star yet?
Posted by Happyflower on May 23, 2007, at 15:05:02
In reply to Re: I am not doing very well » Happyflower, posted by Nathan_Arizona on May 22, 2007, at 16:58:40
Hey thanks Nathan! Do I know you by another name? I have an idea, but I am not sure. You can babblemail me who you are if you want.
But I loved what you said about the dark water, yeah, keeping our head above it, that is what it feels like. Sounds like a good poems if you ask me. One day at a time, that is good advice, sometimes we forget the "old advice", but that is what works. Thanks so much!
Posted by Happyflower on May 23, 2007, at 15:07:51
In reply to Re: I am not doing very well » Happyflower, posted by Poet on May 22, 2007, at 19:01:00
Hi Poet!
I enjoy chatting with you too. BUt I like underground sewer pipes, they are safer. When I was a kid I could take mancover off them, (they were in a field behind our appartments), and climb down and it was like you disapeared. Even the spiders were not as scary as my mother. (that IS scarey). I hope someday we can meet up! My DH is going out of town in July, so maybe we can have a party then! ;-)
Posted by Happyflower on May 23, 2007, at 15:14:08
In reply to Re: I am not doing very well » Happyflower, posted by jammerlich on May 22, 2007, at 19:22:52
Jammer you are so sweet. Damn I made the candles you would think I would remember to light mine! I have to light mine by a open window, since they make me wheeze. But I am lighting mine tonight when I am in chat. I wanted to put Babble on them, but I didn't have enough B's to do it. LOL
I did let my self go today, at least as much as I can. Thank you so much for your support. Next time I will do a 2nd shot, I promise!
Posted by Happyflower on May 23, 2007, at 15:15:22
In reply to Re: I am not doing very well, posted by Happyflower on May 23, 2007, at 15:02:03
Posted by Happyflower on May 23, 2007, at 17:01:02
In reply to Re: I am not doing very well » Happyflower, posted by Nathan_Arizona on May 22, 2007, at 16:58:40
I think we would make a cute couple! Sorry if KK will get jealous, but she knows I am out of her league anyways, that is why she hasn't proposed to me! lol But it is too bad you live so far away, I might have to settle for KK. ( and i hear she can't stay with only one ) LMAO!
Posted by Nathan_Arizona on May 24, 2007, at 7:22:11
In reply to Hey ! NA and KK ( i know you love seeing yourname) » Nathan_Arizona, posted by Happyflower on May 23, 2007, at 17:01:02
I will always love KK. Her public rejection hurt me deeply. I still think it was because I didn't get her the hope diamond (as she requested - nay demanded) for an engagement ring.
Okay, I actually bought it, but decided to keep it for myself.
Nonetheless, the lovely diamelle setting I bought for her was entirely suitable in my opinion.
So now is the time for us HF and what a glorious time it will be.
Oh BABY!
Posted by Happyflower on May 24, 2007, at 11:06:40
In reply to Re: Hey ! NA and KK ( i know you love seeing yourname) » Happyflower, posted by Nathan_Arizona on May 24, 2007, at 7:22:11
I bet she doesn't even know you are moving on to better things. LOL Me? I don't require material objects , only nature, and poor KK would have trouble hiking in those shoes, where I like to walk. LOL But maybe she has some high heel hiking boots! But it is too late, you have moved one ! poor KK, but I am so excited! yippee!!!!
Posted by karen_kay on May 24, 2007, at 12:56:19
In reply to Poor KK) » Nathan_Arizona, posted by Happyflower on May 24, 2007, at 11:06:40
i'm reading all this and i don't like it even one bit!
if i didn't have the official meeting of families to tend to this weekend.
if i hadn't been attempting to cut weeds with a pair of hedge clippers and instead cut the telephone line.
if i hadn't been running on nearly no sleep.
if i wasn't seeing everythign with such evil, squinty eyes right now.....
just wait..... it's coming..... i've got the meanest, ugliest, most unimaginable pout on my face right now and i'm planning to put it to good use. wait for it, it's coming.
and another thing, i've got a pond out back that's not working right. it's drawing mosquitoes like i draw men (oh yes, it's true.. women too... unfortunely flies for some reason, but it my have somethign to do with my armpits...). i've got some last minute cleaning to do (that i've neglected since i've moved in about a year ago actually) adn yet i'm still sitting here typing. what's wrong with me?
i'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too (do you have a dog? if not, run out and buy one so i can get it! i command thee!).....
i'll win your heart back nathan, just you wait and see....
Posted by Happyflower on May 24, 2007, at 14:03:33
In reply to HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nathan and hf...., posted by karen_kay on May 24, 2007, at 12:56:19
Hey KK,
Sorry you had to find out this way, we should have told you face to face, but we didn't want to see the pouty face you make.
Hey, don't you know you shouldn't grow your weed by the telephone line? But I am sure your telephone line repair guy was very happy indeed!As far as your pond goes, throw some goldfish in there, they will eat the live ones and the eggs.
This is the end of the thread.
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