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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 21, 2007, at 19:55:00
Too many things happening.
All these stupid things all at once.
I missed the deadline for ordering my dumb graduation gown. will I be naked?
I had to go to the big city today for an appt at rush hour and I was late (no consequences) because the bus broke down.
traffic
Dr. Appt. for this embarassing problem
Worried about talking to new T's on the phone.
Meditated last night. There was some powerful somatic feelings of intense fear. I feel like they still haven't quite abated.
no T tomorrow. I usually see her 2x a week. this week only once.
I am supposed to be taking good care of myself.
I have to have good skin by this weekend, because I'm going to a formal party. I hate having a big giant zit all caked over with makeup.
Don't really know what the intense fear is about. the daily sh*t is enough. the old sh*t looms large.
Okay. that was my rant.
Now my confession. I'm supposed to be taking klonopin for these feelings, but I don't because I don't want to feel dependent, and because I love to live off of the stress, thinking that it makes me more productive. Well, it does, to a certain extent and then it just makes me shut down. out of order.
oh. I don't know. I kind of put it on 'pause' for several weeks. but it's back again.
enough about my day. how was yours?
Posted by muffled on May 21, 2007, at 23:54:51
In reply to Anxiety out of control..., posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 21, 2007, at 19:55:00
and because I love to live off of the stress, thinking that it makes me more productive. Well, it does, to a certain extent and then it just makes me shut down. out of order.
**For this person here.
I agree. Dunno what to do w/o stress. We shrivell, become confused.
We live in fear so long.
Confusion so long.
Dunno what to do w/o that edge.
We stop.
No edge, we stop.
Consume massive amts of caffeine to find the egde when its gone.
What to do when you not spending everysecond vigilant and on patrol?
What to do when mebbe you feel safe awhile?
Don't understand this.
Where is the danger?
Danger gone away.
We safe.
Dunno how to be safe.
Dunno how to be free.
We got lost somewhere along the way.
Now we scared, we sad, we confused.
Cuz we dunno which way to turn.
We held everything back so long.
So much control.
Always control.
How to be free?
Will we ever be free?
Lost.
Hope you and us find our way LLurpy.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 22, 2007, at 8:23:24
In reply to Anxiety out of control..., posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 21, 2007, at 19:55:00
I just realized why yesterday was so unmanageable.
I had to see woman doctor for the first time in 10 years. Emergency, you see.
It harkened back to my first woman doctor visit when I was still a teenager. Same condition. (no, KK not veneneal disease!)
When my mom insisted that I get a complete check-up since I was there. For my first time. And mom was in the room. Don't remember if she was looking or not. Why couldn't she just listen to the doctor who was trying to reassure us both that my condition was minor, and completely treatable?
And I had to cry myself to sleep, because I realized the depths of my mom's emotional stuntedness. The trauma of that situation, replayed a hundred times, and then reenacted yesterday (albeit with much more caring and sensitivity).
What I wouldn't do to take that little episode out of my past.
What I wouldn't do to be strong enough to say. NO MOM, I don't need the full workup. Let's just get out of here, and I'll make an appt. when *I'm* ready.
Now I'll never be ready. But since I won't be a student much longer, I am trying to take advantage of services provided by my Uni for free in a familiar setting.
Maybe if I tell them at the beginning of the appt. No, I'd never have courage to do that. I think they're being nicer to me since they see in my records the amount of psych drugs I'm taking. They surely suspect that something is "wrong" with me.
So hard. But at least I understand why yesterday was such a complete mess from start to finish.
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 22, 2007, at 8:44:22
In reply to **Insight** triggers » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 22, 2007, at 8:23:24
Since I cannot take that episode out of my past.
I will reprocess it. I've written to T about it, and she responded with care and thoughtfulness. Even gave me a referral to Oprah's OB-GYN, who is known for her caring.
I reprocess this on on my own, mostly
LlurpsieList below**
1) mom was trying to make sure that I got the best care possible
2) Mom is strongly biased that all caring comes in the form of medical care
3) Mom doesn't understand that humans have emotions
4) Mom didn't recognize how hard it was to admit a problem. It got to be very bad before I went to her, and by that time, necessitated middle of the night ER visit.
5) Mom thought that all woman-doctor visits were okay and not so bad. Figured that I would think the same
6) Mom had the same woman doctor for years. Didn't quite recognize that I was terrified that I'd end up with a man. I didn't THANK GOD.
7) Mom didn't realize that I had intense fears that my condition meant that I was damaged forever.
8) Mom didn't know how to hold my hand. She just did her usual thing of being very passive unless she was being analytical
9) Mom was intensely curious about whether I was sexually active, and I was so ashamed about that that doctor picked up on it and sent mom out of the room.
10) but I still don't know. Doctor said some vague things which indicate that. Maybe I was active but... why wouldn't *I* know that. Of all people, I've had to be responsible for my own body since I realized at age 5 or so that mom didn't understand the difference between providing medical care and providing emotional support.
11) Skirted around the issue in therapy. I don't know. Still don't know. How will I ever know?
12) So unfair. Why me? How many times in this lifetime do I have to see woman-doctor? I wish I'd been born a boy. This stuff. So traumatic.
13) I better stop here. Too much to think about. Flooding the system. System needed, because life goes on. And because I won't see T for a few more days.
14) :(
Deep breaths and need to find my safe place. At least in my head. Not easy. Having troubles not hurting myself. If not cutting 'til I'm bleeding then I'm turning into quasi-anorexic. Haven't had anything besides pastry and smoothie since yesterday. Gag forced down that smoothie. This is not good. Can't carry this on forever. I will become weak, and I ought to be taking better care of myself.
If only I had known to prepare myself better...
sorry so sorry for so many triggers above. I just needed to get it out of my system. No need to respond. I wouldn't know how to respond if this were another poster.
Just. ignore this. sorry.
Posted by scratchpad on May 22, 2007, at 9:14:17
In reply to OMG. read at your own risk. many TRIGGERS. » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 22, 2007, at 8:44:22
Oh, honey, I'm not about to ignore this post. There's too much pain in it. Please, please hug yourself for us, ok?
Make yourself a cup of tea. You're big on tea, if I remember rightly. Tea is not food, no need to gag. Tea will soothe. Tea will calm. Just making tea will calm.
Go bother your kitty. This is exactly what we have them for. To distract us.You're right, this was (and is) a huge thing, and you're having the aftershock of, "that's why I feel so incredibly poopy!!" I'm glad that your T has been able to help you process some of this. The rest just has to settle in, perhaps. Like you've had something set off an enormous allergic response and you just have to rest some to regain your strength.
You did ok. You got through yesterday. You'll get through today. Just take it really slowly and remember that you're injured and you have to take care of you.Scratchpad
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 22, 2007, at 9:44:16
In reply to Re: Anxiety out of control... » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by muffled on May 21, 2007, at 23:54:51
> and because I love to live off of the stress, thinking that it makes me more productive. Well, it does, to a certain extent and then it just makes me shut down. out of order.
>
> **For this person here.
> I agree. Dunno what to do w/o stress. We shrivell, become confused.
> We live in fear so long.
> Confusion so long.
> Dunno what to do w/o that edge.
> We stop.
> No edge, we stop.
> Consume massive amts of caffeine to find the egde when its gone.yep that's me. coffee or sleepiness. sleepiness is very dangerous feeling. hence my reluctance to take klonopin.
> What to do when you not spending everysecond vigilant and on patrol?
> What to do when mebbe you feel safe awhile?
> Don't understand this.Haven't felt safe for a while. I don't know the answer to this quesion.
> Where is the danger?
> Danger gone away.
> We safe.
> Dunno how to be safe.
> Dunno how to be free.i think you get it, muffled.
> We got lost somewhere along the way.
> Now we scared, we sad, we confused.
> Cuz we dunno which way to turn.
> We held everything back so long.
> So much control.
> Always control.Control is key. repressing those overwhelming feelings is key. because the overwhelming feelings threaten to deestroy all we have worked for.
> How to be free?
> Will we ever be free?
> Lost.
> Hope you and us find our way LLurpy.
>I hope so too. Just wanted to say that this post meant a lot to me. it makes a lot of sense. Thank you,
Ll
Posted by Phillipa on May 22, 2007, at 12:08:09
In reply to Re: Anxiety out of control... » muffled, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 22, 2007, at 9:44:16
Lurpsie you need to settle down and if the doc said klonopin you've been such a compliant patient please listen to him. Love Phillipa
Posted by jammerlich on May 22, 2007, at 13:51:28
In reply to OMG. read at your own risk. many TRIGGERS. » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 22, 2007, at 8:44:22
Oh, Llurpsie, I can't ignore this, either. I'm so sorry you had to go through this and that we weren't able to talk about it over the weekend. It's hard doing stuff like that in person, isn't it?
You were so brave to go. I'm not sure I'd have been able to. I haven't been in 12 years, except for an ER visit a few years back. Even then, I was supposed to go back for a follow-up and never did. I don't mean to make this about me. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in finding those visits traumatic.
And I'm sorry your mother was so insensitive about the situation when you were a teen. It leaves you in such a difficult place when you know they mean well but still cause so much harm. You definitely need to join us over at NUTMA.
Please try to be kind to yourself. I know it's hard, but please try. In T this morning, we were talking about my feelings of empathy for a particular person who is in a situation similar to mine and my T asked me when I'd feel that same empathy and compassion for myself. Maybe it'd do us both good to ponder that idea today?
Scratchpad had a good suggestion about the tea. And kitty, too. Play with him....that's so much fun. And call him every time he walks away. It's so sweet the way he comes right to you when you do. Those are little moments of joy. Can you think of any others?
This is the end of the thread.
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