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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by gazo on May 9, 2007, at 10:35:28
In reply to Re: ***suicide triggers*** » gazo, posted by sunnydays on May 9, 2007, at 8:43:22
i'd feel like i was asking for special treatment somehow and i can't do that. i have real issues with asking for anything.. i'd feel like i was putting him in a bad position. i wouldn't be hurt if he said no, but i'd feel awkward and if i could find a way to keep seeing him that would taint it for me.
i wouldn't tell him in the last session, if it is the last one, either. He wouldn't know until he realized at some point that he hadn't seen me in a while. He hasn't known me that long, i doubt he'd notice right away or anything.
i am fighting to find ways to keep seeing him, even if it is only every so often. i know i couldn't get much serious work done that way but i'd feel like i had an anchor.
Posted by gazo on May 9, 2007, at 10:49:42
In reply to Re: ***suicide triggers***, posted by Wittgenstein on May 9, 2007, at 7:36:58
thank you... i know people care, in the limited way we can through this medium... but there isn't anyone who would notice i was gone IRL.. not for a while. i think about how long it would be before someone even found me. i don't think it would occur to anyone to look for me, or notice i had not been around. My only real friend has left the city and my friends elsewhere are..well, elsewhere.
there wouldn't be a hole in someone's life where i used to be. Every day would go on for them the same.
but that isn't what drives me to feel so bad.. it just reaffirms it. i have a very bleak future ahead of me for many reasons. My options are limited in building a life. i don't have a lot of things i can hope for. i had to walk ten minutes to the store and i could barely do it.
i have nothing, i have no one and i am nothing.
i appreciate your words, i do. It always matters because even limited caring is caring of some kind.. it's another little piece of thread i can tie to the end of the one i am hanging from.
calling pdoc today.. i don't think there is much he can do beyond the changes we have made.. it just takes time for those to work. He also said he believes that nothing is going to help until my stressors resolve somehow. He is worried about my safety too.
i told my T about posting online, not about babble specifically though. i told him it was a resource because people understand and i can just write.
what i would dearly love is company.. someone who would drop by and bring me a treat.. a flower or a cupcake.. anything really. Someone who didn't mind if i can't smile or have much to say. Someone who would be ok with just saying nothing or telling me about their day. a friend. i need a friend and in my state i am not capable of making new ones or even figuring out how to. i am a strange fish.. i don't fit in with people my own age at all.
i'm just going to take another clonazepam and sleep though the day. i can't handle any of this.
much love and peace
Posted by LadyBug on May 9, 2007, at 11:23:47
In reply to ***suicide triggers***, posted by gazo on May 8, 2007, at 18:45:59
gazo,
I'm trying to understand and I wonder what it's like to cross the line of wanting to die and actually looking at a bottle of pills. I've been at the point of thinking about the pills. It's so very painful. The best thing for me is to take some anxiety meds and go to sleep. Often the deep painful feelings subside some. I'm so sorry you're hurting. Do try to think of anything positive in your life to keep you going. You are a good person and deserve to have peace and happiness in your life. Nothing lasts forever, not even pain. Always remember that because it's true. I've been there and it's awful in those moments.
LadyBug
Posted by gazo on May 9, 2007, at 11:32:09
In reply to Re: ***suicide triggers*** » gazo, posted by LadyBug on May 9, 2007, at 11:23:47
thank you for understanding LB.. the line is thinner than you'd think. It happened so fast too. i don't really even know what stopped me.. i think i just didn't have the mental energy to just do it.
i even poured them all out in my hand. one movement that would have been it... it's a scary thought.
last night i kept myself doped up and hang out in chat for a while, even though i generally had no idea what was happening... except for Llurpsie's feet.
i wish i could find a copy of finding nemo... it always makes me smile somehow. it wouldn't have helped that night, but maybe generally.
i wish i could believe i deserved those things.. my T says the big thing we have to tackle first is along those lines. He doesn't deserve to get someone like me... he's such a nice guy. He says he thinks i can really change, but he hasn't run into how f*cked up i am yet... not the real bad parts anyway.
much love and peace
Posted by gazo on May 9, 2007, at 14:34:00
In reply to ***suicide triggers***, posted by gazo on May 8, 2007, at 18:45:59
i have been saying i wanted a message from my T to listen to... i think now is the perfect time to ask. He is going away so i won't have access to calling him and he very much wants me to find coping strategies. He was very concerned.
i'm going to *try* to work up the nerve to ask. i am going to write a letter and drop it off tomorrow, ask him to read it right away so he can call tomorrow. That will help over the weekend and it'll be a tes run before he leaves. i see him again monday.
in case anyone is interested, you'll notice there hasn't been any major binge drinking, SI or other dangerous behaviours like that lately... i am trying really hard. It hasn't/won't go away but it has decreased. That's something right?
Posted by Happyflower on May 9, 2007, at 22:43:06
In reply to Re: possible safety net ***suicide triggers***, posted by gazo on May 9, 2007, at 14:34:00
I just wanted to say that I think you are awesome. ;-) I hope you can ask for a message to save on your phone. You could always call him when he isn't in and ask a question and let your answering machine pick up his message. ;-)
Posted by muffled on May 9, 2007, at 23:02:21
In reply to Re: possible safety net ***suicide triggers***, posted by gazo on May 9, 2007, at 14:34:00
Posted by Wittgenstein on May 10, 2007, at 5:13:32
In reply to Re: ***suicide triggers*** » Wittgenstein, posted by gazo on May 9, 2007, at 10:49:42
Gazo,
How are you doing today? I hope the night wasn't too long.
I can't know how you feel at the moment but I know how it is with the benzos - sleeping to escape - just getting through one day then the next but not knowing why. I know it's hell, and I'm scared when I will next find myself in that position. Please hold on and keep yourself safe.
We don't really go in for cupcakes in the Netherlands - I'd bring you stroopwaffels instead (these are syrup filled waffles which taste great after 30 seconds in the microwave) - flowers would be no problem though of course - tulips all the way!
If ever I can support you in any way, please just ask - just send a message.
Libby
Posted by gazo on May 10, 2007, at 8:16:09
In reply to Re: ***suicide triggers*** Cupcakes for (((Gazo))), posted by Wittgenstein on May 10, 2007, at 5:13:32
waffley things are welcome too :o)i had forgotten you were in the Netherlands...it must be beautiful there now. Can you see mountains from where you are? i am sad to say i don't know much about the geography of Europe in general... never was a subject i studied much.
i am doing better, esp in the day time. There are factors out of my control which make me drop suddenly but i try hard otherwise to improve. i have a small list of errands to do today and i will feel good if i can at least do that. It would be *something.*
On the weekend i'd like to drive to my favourite place in the world. It's a beach where the waves roll in long stretches... beautiful sand, salt air... in the summer it's warm enough to swim (barely). i have been to beaches from Spain to california and this one can match any of them IMO.
It's my cathedral. i go there and talk to the ocean. No sh*t. i know how weird that sounds, esp from me as i am not into anything like that... no religion or anything. But the ocean is a bit different for me.
Problem is that the beach is a couple of hours from here... moocho petrol. i need every dime to keep seeing T. Sad times.Once the insurance ends i have to find a way to pay for it... $140 per session. Ouch.
i am holding on as best i can.. just keep fingers and toes crossed that the external factors stay manageable. That is where the big problem is.
much love and peace
Posted by gazo on May 10, 2007, at 8:31:16
In reply to ((((Gazo))))))))), posted by Happyflower on May 9, 2007, at 22:43:06
thank you HF... i was sure i wrote a message to you somewhere about how our talk the other night in chat was so helpful to me.. was it a bmail? did i dream that?
you are a beautiful soul. :o)
Posted by gazo on May 10, 2007, at 8:40:43
In reply to ***suicide triggers***, posted by gazo on May 8, 2007, at 18:45:59
so i called. about 2am. it's his direct office line so i knew he would not answer. i called for two reasons, one was about feedback on how to handle an upcoming problem... but i slipped it in there that i had an idea for a safety strategy... AND i asked him to call me back.
what can i say? i was doped up and feeling brave
so he did call back first thing this morning.. i almost puked but didn't.. he is not scary at all once i am talking to him. He did his best with the feed back issue.. and he said that he thought the voicemail was a good idea! yay!
i had trouble asking for it... trouble getting out what it was i wanted. He said we should discuss it on Monday so that the message will be what i need.
i had hoped to get it now.. but this will do i guess.
this was a big deal for me. This guy must be good to get me to do this.
Posted by Dinah on May 10, 2007, at 10:02:58
In reply to a HUGE step, posted by gazo on May 10, 2007, at 8:40:43
I'm glad you asked and glad you answered.
And he's right. It'll be much better if you're specific about what you want.
Posted by Dinah on May 10, 2007, at 10:03:42
In reply to :-) » gazo, posted by Dinah on May 10, 2007, at 10:02:58
glad he answered.
Morning brain.
Posted by gazo on May 10, 2007, at 10:50:29
In reply to Re: :-), posted by Dinah on May 10, 2007, at 10:03:42
yeah... it's ok.. i had morning brain when i answered the phone. Took me a second to recall why i had left him a message...
"hi gazo, it's X"..huh? who? OH! ok...
ah morning brain...love it.
much love and peace
Posted by muffled on May 10, 2007, at 12:35:29
In reply to Re: :-) » Dinah, posted by gazo on May 10, 2007, at 10:50:29
Posted by Wittgenstein on May 10, 2007, at 13:43:22
In reply to Re: ***suicide triggers*** Cupcakes for (((Gazo))) » Wittgenstein, posted by gazo on May 10, 2007, at 8:16:09
It's been lovely here - really warm and sunny - but alas this week the rain is back (but being a Brit I'm used to that I suppose!). No mountains in the Netherlands (which is a shame) - it's probably the flattest country in the world (that's why we cycle everywhere).
I'm glad to hear you are feeling a bit better. Errand lists are such a good idea - I've been trying to give my days some structure this way. Yesterday I plucked up the courage for the first time in 3 months to go alone to the supermarket (ok that makes me sound really pathetic but busy places are a nightmare for me). I felt exhausted afterwards but just doing it has boosted my confidence - today I went for a long bike ride, which felt great.
I hope you have a wonderful time at the beach - it sounds like a lovely place - just imagining those waves rolling in.
I read your other posts - a big well done for plucking up the courage to leave a message for your T - I'm so glad he responded and in just the right way.
Many T's seem more than open to sliding scales - I know other Babblers have said this already and that you don't want to ask your T about this but you did ask for the voicemail (which is a huge step) - maybe this is something to try and work up to? Or perhaps he can defer payments for a while? I hope you get the courage to talk to him about this.
Good luck and take care.
Libby :)
Posted by Happyflower on May 10, 2007, at 16:26:12
In reply to a HUGE step, posted by gazo on May 10, 2007, at 8:40:43
> so .
>
> > i had trouble asking for it... trouble getting out what it was i wanted. He said we should discuss it on Monday so that the message will be what i need.
>
> this was a big deal for me. This guy must be good to get me to do this.First of all you are the one who reached out and had the guts to do it, you are awesome! 2nd, you are allowing him to help you, so you are awesome!
3rd, asking for what we need is a huge step in recovery. You are on your way, just keep trotting along. ;-) You should feel proud of yourself!!!
Posted by gazo on May 10, 2007, at 22:47:48
In reply to Re: a HUGE step » gazo, posted by Happyflower on May 10, 2007, at 16:26:12
you have no idea... proud and scared sh*tless. i realized tonight that this now means that Monday i have to tell him what i'd like the message to be... with him sitting right there looking at me. have i lost my f*cking mind!?!
i was on about 5mg of clonazepam when i made the call last night and i had morning brain when i answered this morning... still had trouble saying what i thought would be a good idea.
i don't even *know* what would be a good idea to ask for... i just find his voice soothing. But that sounds idiotic. Seriously. i can't explain without explaining what i talked about with him last monday... and that took decades for me to sort out enough to say... but suffice it to say that my emotional side doesn't communicate well but has strong needs.
so what do i ask for?
Posted by muffled on May 10, 2007, at 23:22:27
In reply to Re: a HUGE step » Happyflower, posted by gazo on May 10, 2007, at 22:47:48
Ooooh, thats alot of clonopin Gazo, you be careful...
Getting off that sh*t is no picnic either...
Anyhow, my favorite phone call from T was where I has phoned her (all f*cked up) and she called back and left a meaasage where she kinda went on and on bout calming stuff, and how to calm myself, and to keep myself safe etc. And it was the nice voice, and the repition of ways to calm myself, and I think she may even hace said I was a special person, and special to her.
So I would say:
-tone of voice very important (maybe T can visualize you in distress and respond in message accordingly)
-calming technique reminders nice (like 'tomorrow is a new day... etc)
-and LENGTH. I dunno how long message was, mebbe 2 mins? But if its too short then it gets annoying to keep having to reset to re listen to it. If its long enough you can kinda immerse yourself in it....so longer can be better.
-I like that she said she cared
- and don't get all happy at end of message cuz it wrecks the whole tone of the message. Kind and calm and concerned right to the end.
So you could take these ideas in with you?
Hope its a good message.
Some 'click' for me, some don't....
Take care Gazo, you got GUTS!
Muffled
Posted by gazo on May 11, 2007, at 0:37:21
In reply to Re: a HUGE step, posted by muffled on May 10, 2007, at 23:22:27
Posted by gazo on May 11, 2007, at 1:01:57
In reply to i got nothing... read below :..( (nm) » muffled, posted by gazo on May 11, 2007, at 0:37:21
H just called... i can't post the details on the board. Not safe.
i am so stupid. stupid stupid stupid.
it's coming again and i can't stop it. Tornado disaster heading my way and all i can do is watch. i am so f*cking stupid and weak and useless i can't get out of the way. i stand there looking at the tornado building and just wait for it to hit me.
i'm pathetic.
T can't help me. No one can help me. i am lost. i am trapped. My world is about to descend into hell again and no one can help me. i cannot explain the living nightmare i have been through... it has been a painful limbo lately but the train back to hell is leaving the station.
i cannot survive another round of that. i cannot survive the fear and the pain. i cannot survive the days of sobbing, the humiliation and sickening feeling in my heart and stomach every day.
no f*cking phone message is going to save me from this. there is no message that could be made that would blunt the reality that i live through. It all sounded good when things were looking brighter... i forget how hard that pain hits. i forget how meaningless the rest of the world becomes.
i'm standing on the edge of a lonely cliff, nothing but wind and fog around me. Am i supposed to believe that a voicemail, faint and thin in that howling wind is supposed to lure my eyes from the rocks below?
i scream into that wind and i am not heard. Crashing waves call my name. The wind doesn't push me, it doesn't pull me... it wraps around me and lifts me...almost. It's fierce but caressing.. it holds me when there is no human who would ever want to touch me. That cold wind becomes my friend and lover.
who or what could reach me there? Before i reach that edge and hold my breath and stare down?
once i am at that place there is no one who can call to me... the wind will just drown them out.
*******************
i need to sleep now... sleep sleep and more sleep.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 11, 2007, at 17:29:14
In reply to Re: i got nothing. :.. (, posted by gazo on May 11, 2007, at 1:01:57
gazo,
can you check into a hotel or motel for the night (one with internet access?)you need some distance from these feelings.
the tornado may come and hit your house, but what if you're not home?
friends to stay with?
you never know who your friends are until you call them in a crisis. you might be amazed. some people really get a warm fuzzy feeling from helping someone in need.
no phone message is going to save you, but it could give you STRENGTH to save yourself. think of it like a life preserver. the rope is a little short. you gotta swim a bit. you have to pull yourself up onto the dock. but you can do this.
I may be mixing up my details, but you've done this before? you've been in the pit before. and you know that there are some escape routes. Now you know them even better than the first time you found yourself in this situation.
You don't need to throw self-hatred and guilt on top of everything. Even the biggest cliffs in the world (the grand canyon, for example) has trails that wind up and down its ledges and crevices.
I am wishing you the strength to overcome this challenge. Please keep posting, we care about gazo.
-Ll
Posted by gazo on May 11, 2007, at 19:40:08
In reply to Re: i got nothing. :.. ( » gazo, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 11, 2007, at 17:29:14
Llurpsie you are sweet. the things you say mean a lot because i know some of the path you walk from what you post here.. this is what i wrote in a letter to my T today:
"....what there isn’t, or isn’t as near as I can tell, is any bottom to this pit in which I currently dwell. It’s walls are constructed of pure agony and it is partially filled with despair. It is only partially full so as to prevent me from reaching anywhere near the top, if there is one of those either, and being able to climb out. It’s stagnant and vile. I’m not quite sure what the prophets and priests had in their heads to create a vision of hell which was embodied through flame, I think they were quite short-sighted. Hell is a mire in the mind in which there is no heat, nor flame, nor warmth of any kind. There is a dampness that seeps through to your core and your spirit begins to wither. Every thought is covered in a dark slime that can’t be wiped away. Every memory, when those are to be found, is vague and dark. No, the scribes had it all wrong indeed. There are no voices lifted up in unison through pain and anguish as flames consume them. No, here there is silence save for the endless marching of your mind. No voices at all. A voice would be comfort of some sort and there is none of that here. There is no past, no future... there is only now and now must be escaped from at all costs. There is no past-life hell which could match this."
you're right, i have been in this pit before. This week i almost overdosed. i have BP, so i am familiar with pits of all descriptions...spiralled like dante's myths. This is different though from the pits BP bring me. This one is not a perverse construct of my mind alone. This one has been dug shovelful by shovelful for nearly two years, with the digging becoming fever-pitched in this past year. Sometimes i crawl nearly to the top but never manage to get out. i am tethered you see, it's not under my control or power to leave this pit.
i am tethered.
Posted by antigua on May 12, 2007, at 6:03:35
In reply to Re: i got nothing. :.. ( » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by gazo on May 11, 2007, at 19:40:08
You WILL get out of the pit; you just can't see it now. I'm sorry you are suffering such pain, but please don't give up. You may not survive in the way you think, you may come through this completely different than you'd hoped, but their is still joy to find in life, no matter how our situations change. Can you just surrender a little bit and give yourself the chance to see that there may be other options that you just can't see yet?
Let your T's voice help you. It will. Even if it's only a little bit, it will give you something to hold on to in this terrible time.
antigua
Posted by gazo on May 12, 2007, at 9:00:37
In reply to Re: i got nothing. :.. (, posted by antigua on May 12, 2007, at 6:03:35
i am going to try.. i see him MOnday. The night time is hard for me... it gets so bad then. i get so alone and have no one to turn to. i know i scare people away.. they don't know what to say so they don't want to talk to me or respond. But writing about this helps me.... it's not a happy place to be, but describing it in words helps. i do wish i didn't scare people. i know i do. it would scare me so i don't blame anyone.
much love and peace
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