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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 10, 2007, at 19:59:48
It's all up to me and I'm scared I'm gonna flunk this one.
I'm working so hard, and it's never enough.
Too much.
I just want to get wasted or waste myself.
T did some relaxation exercises with me today. Okay, she did some hypnosis with me today to help me relax enough to eat. Now what? I don't know how to make it through the next hour, much less the next 6 days. This is horrible. worse than the defense.
People always say that I'll survive and stuff. Maybe I don't want to survive. maybe that's part of the problem. maybe my advisor doesn't care about my survival either. maybe nobody cares.
what do I know though? can't know myself. can't change other people. can't help myself. f*ck. can't even feed myself. this is bad.
and you guys will worry about me and I feel like a real sh*thead posting this crap.
i wish...
something to make it better. a drug. a word. something. instead it's back to bushwhacking. and now I have to chop down virgin timber one tree at a time. it's killing me. I don't use those words lightly.
even kitty knows something is wrong.
my mind spins 100000000 miles an hour, even as i try to rest.
my hair falls out.
my pdoc thinks I like to blame all my symptoms on medical issues. No help there. see you next week. great.
I'm so sick. what then. 3 choices. work my *ss off and make myself sicker. or work my *ss off and feel better. Or give up.
Posted by Honore on May 10, 2007, at 20:11:45
In reply to my pressure cooker just blew up, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 10, 2007, at 19:59:48
Llurpsie, don't give up. You don't need to work on the diss any more. It really really isn't worth it.
You're going to be okay, if you just take a few more klonopin, and call your T. Or take a few klonopin, or just call your T-- whichever, whatever. I know there's something that can make this a little better. One day at a time, you know? That will be enough for now.
You can go to the hospital, if you feel like you need to.
Why don't you come over to chat now?
I'm over there and so is HF and jammer and Alex.
Let us just chat with you a bit. Maybe we can help a little. Come visit with us.
{{{{{Llurps}}}}}
Honore
Posted by jammerlich on May 10, 2007, at 20:14:27
In reply to my pressure cooker just blew up, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 10, 2007, at 19:59:48
Llurpsie, of course we're worried. But that's OK. It's nice to care enough about someone to worry about their well being.
I'm really sorry things are so hard. Is there anything at all you can do to cut back on responsibilities? Deadlines and pressure cookers can be really miserable and sometimes you just have to take a step back.
There are several of us in chat. Come visit with us and let us keep you company. If you just can't, please make sure to take good care of my friend, Ms. Noodle. She's important to me.
Posted by Happyflower on May 10, 2007, at 20:18:28
In reply to Re: my pressure cooker just blew up » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by jammerlich on May 10, 2007, at 20:14:27
I am worried, but that is because you are my friend. I want to help. Please call your T or me, please reach out, we care.
Posted by madeline on May 10, 2007, at 21:05:31
In reply to my pressure cooker just blew up, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 10, 2007, at 19:59:48
You'll make it llurpsie! I know you will make the right decision as to whether finish, take a break, or just walk away from it.
Either way, you'll be alright Okay?
Nobody cares when you get them the dissertation, only that you do eventually.
Posted by philyra on May 10, 2007, at 21:05:50
In reply to my pressure cooker just blew up, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 10, 2007, at 19:59:48
>
> i wish...
>
> something to make it better. a drug. a word. something.Ll dear,
maybe these words will help. they're helping me at the moment.
hummingbird
pomegranate
steel desk
paper
cloud
sea
ocean
sand
beach
palm leaf
lamp
light
kitty
whiskersi'm sorry you're having such a bad night. i'm listening to some moby remixes right now, wanna share them?
philyra
Posted by Happyflower on May 10, 2007, at 21:29:44
In reply to my pressure cooker just blew up, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 10, 2007, at 19:59:48
I will have my cell phone with me if you need to talk anytime even in the middle of the night. I am going to bed now, but call if you need someone to talk to or anything.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 10, 2007, at 21:48:06
In reply to Re: my pressure cooker just blew up, posted by Happyflower on May 10, 2007, at 21:29:44
Thanks you guys,
I just formatted my page numbers. only took. um an HOUR.yuck.
I hate this sh*t.
but I'm safe. eating ice cream, and then going to bed. safe place.
-Ll
Posted by muffled on May 10, 2007, at 22:01:32
In reply to thanks you all, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 10, 2007, at 21:48:06
Good for you for reaching out lurpy, that was good.
Hang in there.
Those guys sure said some good things.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by philyra on May 10, 2007, at 22:28:44
In reply to thanks you all, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 10, 2007, at 21:48:06
Posted by gazo on May 10, 2007, at 22:31:08
In reply to my pressure cooker just blew up, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 10, 2007, at 19:59:48
Posted by Honore on May 10, 2007, at 23:04:37
In reply to thanks you all, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 10, 2007, at 21:48:06
I'm so glad to hear it, Llurpsie. I knew you could do it.
Sleep is good. Sleep well.
Tomorrow maybe the diss. changes will feel more manageable.
Honore
Posted by MidnightBlue on May 10, 2007, at 23:50:15
In reply to thanks you all, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 10, 2007, at 21:48:06
>
> but I'm safe. eating ice cream, and then going to bed. safe place.
>
> -Ll
Ice cream heals all things............MB
Posted by Phillipa on May 11, 2007, at 11:07:21
In reply to my pressure cooker just blew up, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 10, 2007, at 19:59:48
Lurp sorry saw this late but the hair thing is probably stress or thyroid but I'm sure you've had yours checked right? Love Phillipa
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 11, 2007, at 12:34:41
In reply to Re: my pressure cooker just blew up » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Phillipa on May 11, 2007, at 11:07:21
It's stress- my hair fell out when I was planning my wedding. thyroid is happy happy.
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 11, 2007, at 12:39:13
In reply to Re: my pressure cooker just blew up » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Phillipa on May 11, 2007, at 11:07:21
okay, so I've been able to get rid of some of my pressure. Now I'm back into waiting game.
I still have some work to do, but maybe it's not so daunting as I thought. It just all got dumped on me all at once, mercilessly.
pdoc was so nice to me too. gave me samples because my pharmacy is giving me stress (stoopid pharmacy)
thank you all for your kind support. I'm sure I'll be having several more breakdowns in the short term.
Posted by jammerlich on May 11, 2007, at 13:14:14
In reply to update » Phillipa, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 11, 2007, at 12:39:13
Llurpsie, I'm glad that maybe things aren't quite as bad as they seemed. I still don't like your advisor, though. And I'm looking into that whole voodoo doll idea. I live in the bible belt, so those sorts of things aren't the easiest to come by.
Keep posting when you need help. We care about you and want to do whatever we can.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 11, 2007, at 17:20:47
In reply to Re: update » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by jammerlich on May 11, 2007, at 13:14:14
okay- now it's friday and she still hasn't given me back the other 60% of my diss to make changes. She promised me by Wed.
What does this mean?
It means that I won't have time to work on it over the weekend.
That means weekend only means dead emptiness and dread. full of what-ifs.
I made emergency call to T. she said I need to try to find as much distance right now between diss and the rest of my life. I am in turmoil. swirl of emotions. I am royally pissed off that she didn't email me back about when I can expect changes. I'm mad at myself because once upon a time I used to be able to handle last-minute deadlines with panache. now I just go crazy.
T said I'm not going to make myself crazy this weekend. I can't I just can't (go crazy). the stakes are too high. I can be pissed. I can even be pissed at someone I generally have warm feelings for. I can be full of regrets. I blame myself-- what if I were a better writer, then maybe she wouldn't get stuck. but the truth is that she probably hasn't even read the f*cking thing.
How to stay safe. how to stay safe. I already took my bath, and my klonopin. peripheral muscles are relaxed, at least for the time being.
those who have my cell phone number are thwarted, as I left it at work accidentally.
I keep on checking my little email program to see if! if only I could have an email from her telling me that she's put the copy on her desk.
nothing.
I need to distract myself somehow. I wish that spiderman3 hadn't triggered me so badly (yes, I'm that messed up- that a poorly acted film can put me in a self-destructive trance). otherwise I'd go to a movie tonight. promising myself that if I don't feel better by 6pm I'm catching the bus to Borders and staying there til 10pm. I will order steamed milk and maybe play on babble. that doesn't sound too bad?
If I feel somewhat better by then I will try to read a book. I got a book called "the velocity of honey" it's for science nerds like me and talks about the strange physics of why honey does its thing and why toast always land butterside down.
such a swirl of thoughts. usually writing them down helps so here goes
anger
rage
self-hatred
regret
fear
terror
anxiety
worry
vengefulness
spitewhich brings me to an interesting dream I had last night. I dreamed that I was going to break into (another difficult prof's) house and do some major pranking. It was the middle of the night, and me and my best friend from highschool (always up for a good prank) broke into this house. so silently, for my pranks are undetectable... and we find the wife of the difficult prof staring at her face in the mirror, saying how her cancer had given her jaundice and her eyes looked so sad and tired.
And we felt remorse and regret. then we tried to return the prank supplies to the man's house down the street from whom we had stolen them. He was out and was mad. when we explained the nature of how this (not-my-advisor) prof had screwed me, he offered to put his gloves on (it was snowing) and help us out. We told him that the prank was off, and he was disappointed.
When we returned to the prof's house, the whole household was awake, and had invited us for warm apple cider, in the middle of the night, and seemed genuinely unconcerned that we had been planning to destroy their hallway. We slunk away, declining their warm tidings. and then I woke up.
hmm relevant. methinks. yes. very relevant.
my interpretation
1) my best friend is in touch with anger. I needed her anger to plot the prank.
2) the evil prof is probably my own prof, but I've conveniently substituted another prof that is also very difficult
3) the cancer is a ruse to make me feel guilty for having anger
4) the man down the street offering to help are those people who hear my story and wish ill omens on my advisor. sadly I tell them that they cannot participate in the mission. too late. too mean
5) the warm tidings of love and hot cider are a way of saying "we know what you're up to, and we're going to make you feel bad about it- so guilty that you'll wish you had died.that's enough for now.
-Ll
Posted by Daisym on May 11, 2007, at 18:12:26
In reply to she f*cked me over again + a dream too, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 11, 2007, at 17:20:47
I think this dream is about your abuse.
You broke into a house (yourself)of a difficult professor (the knowledge of the abuse) with your best friend. (could be your therapist or your pdoc - but some supportive person) Your prank might be the need to hurt yourself or even the suicidal feelings. The wife that is sick might be the care taking part of you - tired and jaundiced.
I'm not sure about the neighbor, my first hit is that it is your mom - you had to steal from her to break into this part of yourself -- but I'm not sure what you stole, so this might not fit here. Snowing in dreams is usually about a softening or cleansing. The gloves are significant too - signifies something messy to deal with.
And yet you couldn't go through with it. And you ended up not being able to accept nurturing and felt guilty - even suicidal?
These are my initial thoughts, there is a lot to this dream. I want to think about it some more.
I hope you can find a way to hold yourself together this weekend. You are so close, almost there. Hang in.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by Honore on May 11, 2007, at 19:13:29
In reply to she f*cked me over again + a dream too, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 11, 2007, at 17:20:47
Or the dream could be interpreted as, the house is your family or family history, the difficult professor is your father, or the family mythology about what your family is like; the wife is your mother; the man down the street is your therapist; and the friend is some aspect of yourself that's working to get in touch with your anger or other disruptive feelings and figure out what to do with them. But somehow being disruptive already doesn't seem to help, so the therapist, whom you might have seen as proposing that solution, or having the tools for it, now isn't of as much use. (Or, it could be, because you're leaving, you just don't have time to go through with any further plots or plans with the therapist.)
The warm cider, etc, is anything your family does to seem good, which makes you feel very bad and guilty for the bad thoughts and feelings you have toward them. That all seems too neat and simple, so I don't think it's true, but one could see it through that template-- but then I really don't think I would.
What I believe is that you're the best intepreter of your own dream, your therapist, who might be skilled in interpreting dreams, could give you feedback or maybe insights into what it might mean.
I'm glad things seem much more manageable today. But I'm on the alert for meltodowns that might or might now occur.
Honore
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]
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