![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on April 30, 2007, at 12:47:04
hi all. been quite a while since i've been here. but unfortunately i need some help/advice from you'all.
i can't meet with my T till wednesday and my anxiety has skyrocketed.
since my pregnancy my mother has been all over me like we're best friends. well whatever right. after i had my little girl, she's been rampid about coming over to see her. well i've been VERY understanding and have so far let her come over once a week (WHICH IS WAY TOO MUCH MOTHER FOR ME) but i would like my daughter to have a grandparent. well, the old 'mother' is starting to resurface. she's becoming obsessed about seeing my little one. when she does hold her she won't ever give her back, i ALWAYS have to take her out of her arms to get her back. she act to me like i NEVER ALLOW her to see her granddaughter, she makes passive aggressive comments to my daughter (who is only a couple months old and LUCKILY can't understand anything) but she whispers, your mommy (me) never lets grandma (her) see you. "do you like daddy better or grandma?" and once i heard her say "i thought you'd be walking before i'd get to see you again".
this last weekend i went over to their house to help them figure out on their computer how to look at the pictures i've sent them of my little one (being nice i thought) and she was mad that i didn't bring my daughter! she was REALLY upset at me. then i mentioned that "you act like i NEVER let you see her, 'yesterday' you saw her all day and held her for at LEAST an hour. she yelled back "That's NOT ENOUGH!" i haven't seen her that freaked out since i was a teenager. this lady is OBSESSED with my daughter. she is trying to sneak over to the house whenever to see her. i've told her taking her to daycare is hard on me so i need as much time with her as possible, so maybe only on the weekends i'll bring her over. but it's apparently not enough.
please, please what do i do?
i feel like if i push harder, she gets more crazed. to give you an idea, i am going to notify the daycare about "grandma may be stopping by" and to notify me immediately. i am three inches away from taking out a restraining order. seriously. before when she was upset i thought well i'll just let her see her even though i don't like her, but it seems to be making it worse. the more she sees her the more she wants her.
now i'm worried that she's going to completely flip out and i do NOT trust my daughter in her hands. now more than ever...my fathers coming over tomorrow night for some mechanical fixing stuff with my husband and i KNOW she will sneak along expecting to hold my daughter, so i'm going to take her out shopping or something...but i feel like i'm getting chased out of my own home. i wanted to confront her/my dad and just say, no but my hubby says not too...
what do you think?
b2.
Posted by muffled on April 30, 2007, at 17:58:19
In reply to obsessed 'mother', posted by B2chica on April 30, 2007, at 12:47:04
WOW! A wee baby girl!!! How wonderful!!!!!!!!!
I hope the birth and all was oK for you.
And that your both well.
WOW!
I'm so exited for you.
As to your Mom.....I dunno. ALOT of people behave a bit oddly when it comes to others babies. Alot of us Moms behave a bit oddly with our first babies!!!(seems we relax more with subsequent ones...I did anyhow)
Its hard to know wassup with your Mom and any dynamics that are coloring the issue B2. I think I can't say much from my position. I DO know that having a baby is EXTREEMLY life changing. EXTREEMLY. In both very hard, and very good ways. I've been to hell and back with my kids and they only 8 &10.
Being a Mom is a crazy big job. And I wouldn't change it back for the world. I love my kids, they have taught me SO much.
So I hope you can work thru this stuff with your Mom somehow with your T.
Conrats B2!!!!!
Mom!
:-)
Muffled
Posted by Phillipa on April 30, 2007, at 20:15:01
In reply to OMG B2!!!! CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! » B2chica, posted by muffled on April 30, 2007, at 17:58:19
Can you call your therapist if you have one and discuss the situation with him/her and maybe come up with a plan. Doesn't sound healthy for any of you what's going on now. Is your Mom okay. I mean mentally not picking on you or her just concerned. Love Phillipa
Posted by pegasus on April 30, 2007, at 21:03:09
In reply to obsessed 'mother', posted by B2chica on April 30, 2007, at 12:47:04
Hi B2, it's good to see you here. And it's great to hear that you have a healthy baby girl!
As for your mom, in your place I would have a very frank talk with my mom. I'd say, listen, I understand that you want to see your granddaughter, and I want her to know her grandmother, too. But you need to understand that I am her mother and it is my job to decide what is best for her and for her family. You need to respect the decisions that I make, including how often and under what circumstances she sees you, and other people. If you can't respect me as her mother, and the decisions that I make for her, then I am going to have to limit the amount of time you spend with her to a very minimal amount. That means that you need to not speak poorly of me or my husband to her, and you need to give her back to me when she or I need for her to be with me. You need to be ok with her spending time alone with her mother and/or father. You need to accept whatever I decide is the appropriate amount of time for me and her to be with you. You WILL NOT go to her daycare under any circumstances, unless I explicitly ask you to. I have asked them to notify me if you ever show up there. I'm sorry to have to say this, but I just don't trust her with you. You seem to feel that you have some right to spend lots of time with her, which is not the case. If your relationship with her is beneficial to all of us, then you will be welcome to spend time with us. But if you contintue to act so irrationally obsessed with her, then I am going to feel the need to protect her and myself from you. OK? I don't expect you to be happy about this or to understand, but I do expect you to honor my wishes.
And then be prepared for her to go wild and say what a horrible daughter you are, and how you never let her see her granddaughter, and how can you say that you need protection from her, and you are the crazy one, etc. And maybe expecting it will help you stand solid in the middle of it some. Now, that's me and my mom. I can imagine that a different mother/daughter pair might not be able to do it like that. I don't know your mom, or how crazy she would really get, or what the repercussions would be for you. And maybe most important, I don't know what your history with your mom is.
It's really hard to change the way you related to important people with whom you have a pattern. But she is sounding unstable, and if your gut tells you not to trust her with your daughter, then DON'T. Please don't. Your daughter is so much more important than your mother's feelings.
peg
Posted by pegasus on April 30, 2007, at 21:06:03
In reply to obsessed 'mother', posted by B2chica on April 30, 2007, at 12:47:04
Couple of other thoughts I had:
You might want to remind your mother that while your daughter needs a mother, she does not necessarily need a grandmother. So, that relationship is at your discretion.
Also, my mom would be thrilled to pieces to see my daughter every weekend. She sees her twice a year. And that works just fine for me, my daughter, and my husband. That's not unusual among my circle of friends. So your mom *could* consider herself lucky.
peg
Posted by B2chica on May 1, 2007, at 7:55:11
In reply to Re: obsessed 'mother' » B2chica, posted by pegasus on April 30, 2007, at 21:06:03
to Phillipa, nope not crossing any lines asking THAT question. yes, there is something mentally wrong with my mother, but i don't think it's an actual mental illness, one you could get medication to help. i think it is a combination of personality disorders mixed up with a little paranoia, persucutory thoughts and delusional thinking. i do think therapy could help her....LOTS of therapy but she would not do it. however, in one scenario i've thought up i will had her a card of a trusted therapist and tell her if she agrees to therapy they she can spend more time with my daughter.
'mother' and i have a poor relationship...if i had it my way she would live at least 2000 miles away. however that's not the case. she was abusive growing up, obsessed with my sexuality from when i was very little, plays mind games, is manipulative and is passive aggressive. she literally 'freaks out' at times. she gets crazed and starts yelling and throwing things. i used to feel HORRIBLY guilty for leaving home (my dad in her wrath) but i had to do what was right for me.
Pegasus,
i have constantly said 'most grandparents only see their grandkids a few times a year, you should feel lucky' apparently, that translated to 'her' speak means, "come over and take over my job as mother cuz you own my daughter anyway...afterall, what's mine is yours".i would LOVE to sit and talk with my mom like a human being but it just doenst workk. i've been doing that, throughout the pregnancy AND now...my words are like air to her. she's Never respected me, or my thoughts. My last therapist said it sounded like she had trouble seeing me as an individual. that i was "her's"...her daughter therefore anything i said was nice but how she interpreted it or thought was what 'really mattered'. I Have sat and talked with her about visitations. but she acted SO lost and 'caring' (should have known that was a fake) that i felt sorry for her so i kept caving and would let her stop by for an hour or so, this was really wearing me out. i told them (mom and dad) over a month ago that visitations would slow this month since i was going back to work, and child starting daycare. that i needed as much time with her (alone) as possible....that just didn't seem to register. ive said it over and over. she doesn;t even seem to listen...or does this ...'oh...ok' (and then does same thing again anyway).
however funny you mention the daycare thing. just this morning when i dropped daughter off i told daycare about issues with my mother and concerns of her 'dropping' in, so they are alerted and will notify me immediately. however telling her this i think will fan the fire. so it is there but i will not mention it. but i do really like this part :
"You seem to feel that you have some right to spend lots of time with her, which is not the case. If your relationship with her is beneficial to all of us, then you will be welcome to spend time with us. But if you contintue to act so irrationally obsessed with her, then I am going to feel the need to protect her and myself from you. OK? I don't expect you to be happy about this or to understand, but I do expect you to honor my wishes."i guess my concern is that she would get violent...honestly yesterday i was so charged from her 'freak out' this weekend that i was close to just calling out a restraining order on her...its abit over the top but i guess i see it as a preemptive strike. i'm calmer today and feel it's not to that stage yet.
and i really don't care what she says about me...she can't say anything that i haven't heard from her already.i just don't understand why my family has to be so d@mn dysfunctional! not for me but for my daughters sake! i can't stand to put her though all this. my 'mother's' a f@#king FREAK!
(sorry-i had to express that)thank you for your advice. i think this will help. (if i can remember the words)
tonight is when she will try to come over. tomorrow i see T. she couldn't fit me in sooner.
THANKS ALL
good to be back, just wish i didn't have to...if you know what i mean.
b2c.
Posted by Dinah on May 1, 2007, at 18:15:17
In reply to obsessed 'mother', posted by B2chica on April 30, 2007, at 12:47:04
All I can think of is to set boundaries and stick to them. If you don't want her over, tell her it's not convenient. If she shows up anyway, don't answer the door. And tell her that any time she says anything to your daughter that your daughter shouldn't hear, you'll pack up and leave for the day.
If you need a restraining order, and if you think she may be violent, by all means get one.
I had to do this, and follow through, several times with both my parents. With my father that meant getting up and leaving (including in public places) if he said anything unkind to my son. With my mother, uninvited drop ins were and are a problem. I have to just stand firm.
Why doesn't your husband want you to say anything? My husband was delighted when I set limits with my parents.
Posted by B2chica on May 2, 2007, at 8:24:43
In reply to Congratulations!!!! » B2chica, posted by Dinah on May 1, 2007, at 18:15:17
boundries have been tough for me in the past since i grew up without knowing about them...but i think its alot easier now that its for my daughter.
i'm sorry you have to go through this with your parents but i'm glad you understand.my hubby is just So afraid of any conflict, just a personality thing. however he's going to have to get over that since 'mother' pretty much forces a conflict. she pushes and pushes until i over react, then she responds like this innocent little twit wanting me to feel bad about over-reacting...her freaking mind games are enough to almost have made Ghandi violent!
thank you for your support.
b2c
Posted by B2chica on May 2, 2007, at 8:33:14
In reply to Congratulations!!!! » B2chica, posted by Dinah on May 1, 2007, at 18:15:17
THANK You all for the congrats...i am so happy with this wee one it makes me cry. i actually feel like i have a purpose...a real one.
the preg. and post-part were great mood wise, i can start to feel depression coming back but i'm going to fight to my last breathe this illness that chases me. and i only PRAY that i don't pass it to my little one. or at least have a good enough relationship with her that she'll tell me and we can get her help.
THANKS Babblers. you are Always there.
b2c
Posted by Dinah on May 2, 2007, at 8:40:06
In reply to Re: Congratulations!!!!, posted by B2chica on May 2, 2007, at 8:24:43
I think there you have put your finger on it. I was the same way with my mother, and boundaries were my salvation there. Kept me far away from the blowing up stage.
And you know, after a testing period, it really wasn't so bad. All I'd have to do is say a warning "daddy..." or smile cheerfully at my mother, telling her I wished she'd called first because it just wasn't convenient right now, and there wasn't much conflict at all.
My therapist helped me tons.
I hope you have a therapist to support you? And to help you decide when your mother might be a danger to you in more tangible ways so that you can protect yourself?
Posted by pegasus on May 2, 2007, at 10:04:11
In reply to Re: obsessed 'mother', posted by B2chica on May 1, 2007, at 7:55:11
Hi B2,
Yeah, I know it's easy to write those things, and not so easy to do them. It sounds like if your mom isn't going to listen to what you say, then your only option is to communicate by what you do. I agree with what Dinah says. And I've always admired the way Dinah discribes setting those boundaries with her parents. I'm sure it takes a lot of guts, especially at first. And especially when your husband isn't supportive of it, due to his own issues with conflict. But in the end, you gotta protect your daughter, and you are ultimately the one in charge of who she sees under what circumstances, no matter what your mom might think about that.
Are you really worried about your mom getting violent? Does she have a history of that? That would scare the bejesus out of me. If she is saying things that sound threatening to you, and you've seen her be violent in the past, I'd say a restraining order might not be the worst idea. One thing to consider, though, is that you can't just get a restraining order on anyone for any reason. In my state, for example, you need to document the reasons that you consider that person to be a threat, and then a judge decides whether to issue a restraining order. Not sure how much that varies in other states.
Whatever happens, I wish you much luck in dealing with your mom, and much much happiness with you daughter! Let us know what happens, ok?
peg
Posted by B2chica on May 2, 2007, at 11:39:53
In reply to Re: obsessed 'mother', posted by pegasus on May 2, 2007, at 10:04:11
i go back and forth about being 'worried' that 'mother' may get violent. i don't think she would Ever purposefully hurt my daughter. however, my history with her is that she can instantly becomes enraged and 'freak-out' (don't know how else to describe it). it is at these times that she is uncontrollable and unpredictable, she has no rational thinking. if i can prevent her from getting this way than she is mostly just a harrassing annoyance to me. but what scares (and increases anxiety) me is the unpredictability of it.
i've never had to do a restraining order and thought about just what you said. my concern is that unless you live it, the way i describe it is just some poor grandma that wants to see her granddaughter and i won't let her... if only they knew. its kinda like some stalkers...technically they don't threaten them, they are not harming them...just following their every move. its Very distressing but trying to tell cops makes you sound like the one with the problem. (luckily there are stalking laws now...but still can't apply to my issue)
well i see my T this afternoon and i plan on talking all about this with her.until then, i am now much calmer. Much stronger and ready to set limits no Matter What it takes.
i'll let you know how this weekend goes.thanks peg
b2c.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.