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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by gazo on April 28, 2007, at 19:38:18
i'm doing really bad. no access to T on the weekend or i really would call, it's that bad. i take 2mg clonazepam and sleep, then take another and sleep again.. and so on. haven't been drinking because that would take effort.
i am losing my T soon. i was trying to find wys to keep him but nothing is working out. H lost his job so no insurance anymore. i don't have a job so i can't pay myself.
i wish i could just close my eyes and never wake up again. the world just hurts too much. i don't have the energy to plan out a suicide so now worries.. i just wish i could.
so i take a pill, sleep it off, take a pill, sleep it off... do this until monday when i see T.
hope you all have a good weekend.. be good to yourselves. sorry to just come in to be so down but thanks for reading anyway
Posted by crushedout on April 28, 2007, at 19:58:36
In reply to doing bad.. brief stop in.. **trigger**, posted by gazo on April 28, 2007, at 19:38:18
i hate that feeling.((((((((((gazo)))))))))))
i wish i knew what to tell you.
Posted by Phillipa on April 28, 2007, at 21:44:59
In reply to Re: doing bad.. brief stop in.. **trigger** » gazo, posted by crushedout on April 28, 2007, at 19:58:36
Does your therapist have a sliding scale? Love Phillipa
Posted by JoniS on April 28, 2007, at 22:18:15
In reply to doing bad.. brief stop in.. **trigger**, posted by gazo on April 28, 2007, at 19:38:18
Gazo,
I'm very sorry you're doing bad. I hate to get that way too. Anything we can do to help? You know your fellow Babblers care very much about you! I hope you can find some strength within yourself to get what you need. You are a great person - please take care of yourself.
((((Gazo)))
Joni
Posted by LadyBug on April 29, 2007, at 0:15:00
In reply to Re: doing bad.., posted by JoniS on April 28, 2007, at 22:18:15
I'm sorry you're struggling right now. I know so well what it's like to lose a job along with the insurance. I've had it happen to me a few times when my H has lost his job. Not many of us could see our T without insurance. I've been there. Does your T except a sliding scale? Even then if you've suffered a lost income, it's hard to figure out what to do. I wish you well. Keep taking those Klonipin. I know they help me when all else fails. Sleeping won't hurt anyone. I always turn to sleep when I can't cope with life anymore.
LadyBug
Posted by Scentedgarden on April 29, 2007, at 10:27:56
In reply to Re: doing bad.. brief stop in.. **trigger**, posted by Phillipa on April 28, 2007, at 21:44:59
Posted by muffled on April 29, 2007, at 22:58:48
In reply to doing bad.. brief stop in.. **trigger**, posted by gazo on April 28, 2007, at 19:38:18
Posted by gazo on April 30, 2007, at 9:46:00
In reply to Re: doing bad.., posted by LadyBug on April 29, 2007, at 0:15:00
thanks guys..
i made it through the weekend by sleeping most of the time. i just feel beaten down. like i didn't hvae enough to deal with. i have been looking for a job but no luck yet.. i can't work in the field i am trained in (science) and i don't have enough qualifications to get much else... nothing that makes much money anyway.
sliding scale wouldn't help.. i have no money. i barely afford rent and food. i see him today and i'll have the insurance for a few more sessions.
i was just trying to start trusting him and now he's going to be taken away.
i am so very sad.
there are some pretty big obstacles in my life right now. The docs are talking about a spinal fusion. i have pain everyday anyway, but the spine thing is a big pain in the a$$.
so yeah.. i'm whining and having a pity party. no one has to attend.
Posted by gazo on April 30, 2007, at 14:20:56
In reply to doing bad.. brief stop in.. **trigger**, posted by gazo on April 28, 2007, at 19:38:18
we didn't even get to insurance part. i guess it'll have to wait, unless i drop off a letter or something. Today was crisis management. we talked some about H, why i stay, etc... and i tried to explain the horrific panic attacks i get.. like ones that last for days and have put me in the ER. So he felt that before we could cover anything else of substance we had to get into the anxiety.
he asked me to describe what happens.. which is near impossible (it really is impressive) but even in trying to it started making me uncomfortably anxious... and being the good therapist he seized the opportunity to "let me experience that." grrrrr... He tried to encourage me to breath and all that blah-de-blah... but i just sat there holding myself wishing to god i could use one of my coping mechanisms... of course it would be inappropriate to whip out vodka in his office.
i just kept my eyes closed and tried to listen to his voice... that calmed me. He is soothing.
i told him he would never have the chance again to lure me into that state. No way.
we seem to be doing a lot of crisis management. he said i have to be able to get to a point with this overpowering anxiety before it would be possible to go deeper with anything.
i asked him if i was unsalvagable and he said no.. he believes i can be helped. That meant a lot.
he said the pills and sleepig were escaping the anxiety and would not help.. i just don't know what else to do yet. i need to get through somehow until i have better skills.
anyway.. i know i am persona non grata.. but thanks to anyone who bothered to read this. you don't have to reply.
much peace and love
Posted by Dinah on April 30, 2007, at 16:58:07
In reply to saw my T, posted by gazo on April 30, 2007, at 14:20:56
I see no reason why you would be persona non grata. I haven't read this entire thread, but I'm sorry you're having a rough time. The anxiety doesn't respond to medication? As much as I like my CBT techniques, risperdal or klonopin seem to work better than they do when things are rough.
Posted by gazo on April 30, 2007, at 17:29:33
In reply to Re: saw my T » gazo, posted by Dinah on April 30, 2007, at 16:58:07
the anxiety is pervasive and it is central to what other things are going on.. he felt i was escaping the anxiety via meds, or other coping techniques i have (meaning the less productive ones). In schema you're supposed to experience the feelings as a means of desensitizing.. but i don't think we are even that far.. what i got from what he said was that he wants me to see that i can affect how it hits me. He doesn't think the meds don't have their place.. but he wants to challenge my belief that i can't do anything about it when it strikes.
we are only doing this with the milder anxiety.. which is plenty. i don't know how far into that we will go. i have some major life issues that have to be dealt with... i can't medicate myself through those. i need to have more control over myself.
i use the meds to escape.. i have not been just using them to lessen the impact... and i know i wouldn't. It would be an escape route and i would take it.
Posted by muffled on April 30, 2007, at 17:49:19
In reply to saw my T, posted by gazo on April 30, 2007, at 14:20:56
> we didn't even get to insurance part. i guess it'll have to wait, unless i drop off a letter or something. Today was crisis management. we talked some about H, why i stay, etc... and i tried to explain the horrific panic attacks i get.. like ones that last for days and have put me in the ER. So he felt that before we could cover anything else of substance we had to get into the anxiety.
**Yeah, mebbe tell him bout insurance in a letter, so you don't spend all day worrying bout it.
Sigh anxiety. Yeah, I good at that too. GAD severe, hmmm, but I don't agree w/that dx. Anyhow, I AM better at it. I tell myself its OK, that this will pass(and I actually BELEIVE it now....). I DO admit, when the anxiety comes on allasudden, well, there seems to be sh*t all I can do bout it. Its all consuming. I CAN function(barely), which suprizes me, but that may be a function of my splitting(a good function for once!). I have found if there is no xanax or klonopin to be had, that specifically(non-alcohol based)LiQUID benedryl works quickly too. Mostly, if at all poss. I sleep them off.
>
> he asked me to describe what happens.. which is near impossible (it really is impressive) but even in trying to it started making me uncomfortably anxious... and being the good therapist he seized the opportunity to "let me experience that." grrrrr... He tried to encourage me to breath and all that blah-de-blah... but i just sat there holding myself wishing to god i could use one of my coping mechanisms... of course it would be inappropriate to whip out vodka in his office.ROFL!!! mebbe it would be funny to whip out a flask one time!! Just for a joke.
I LIKE it when my T talks me down. She hasn't done it often, I am careful. But when she has, I dunno, it just feels like mebbe she cares or something, or mebbe I feel (UGH!!!) nurtured or something. I dunno.
>
> i just kept my eyes closed and tried to listen to his voice... that calmed me. He is soothing.**Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. Once your back enough to hear and absorb it feels good eh?
>
> i told him he would never have the chance again to lure me into that state. No way.**Sigh. I guess if you know he can talk you back, that maybe its OK? He DID talk you back?
>
> we seem to be doing a lot of crisis management. he said i have to be able to get to a point with this overpowering anxiety before it would be possible to go deeper with anything.**Yup, I tend to dissociate ALOT initially. Thereapy was basically crisis management and kinda a waste of time(cept I was learning trust). I would remember little or sometimes even NOTHING of a session, that was very frustrating. But now I do MUCH better and things go better now.
>
> i asked him if i was unsalvagable and he said no.. he believes i can be helped. That meant a lot.**Yeah, I think ALL are worthy to try. And you Gazo seem to be real nice yourself.
>
> he said the pills and sleepig were escaping the anxiety and would not help.. i just don't know what else to do yet. i need to get through somehow until i have better skills.**Exactly, you goto do what you goto do, just be safe bout it. I hear klonopin w/d can be pretty lousy.
>
> anyway.. i know i am persona non grata.. but thanks to anyone who bothered to read this. you don't have to reply.???Why you persona non grata?????
>
> much peace and love**Right back at ya Gazo.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by gazo on April 30, 2007, at 22:14:47
In reply to Re: saw my T » gazo, posted by muffled on April 30, 2007, at 17:49:19
yeah... i think that he did talk me down, but i don't think he was trying to. He wanted me to bring myself out of it, and to focus on breathing and crap... but i wouldn't/couldn't. Thing is his voice was more gentle and softer.. *that* is what brought me down. He was just asking me about what i was thinking and stuff.. but his voice was so calm. it re-assured me.
you're right.. i felt nurtured. no one ever makes me feel nurtured.
Posted by muffled on April 30, 2007, at 23:00:02
In reply to Re: saw my T » muffled, posted by gazo on April 30, 2007, at 22:14:47
> yeah... i think that he did talk me down, but i don't think he was trying to. He wanted me to bring myself out of it, and to focus on breathing and crap... but i wouldn't/couldn't. Thing is his voice was more gentle and softer.. *that* is what brought me down. He was just asking me about what i was thinking and stuff.. but his voice was so calm. it re-assured me.
>
> you're right.. i felt nurtured. no one ever makes me feel nurtured.**Yup, its ALL about the tone of voice for me, she could be saying gibberish for all it matters, but its the tone. After I can hear her, I like it when she says stuff bout being safe.
I have a problem w/relaxation excericises cuz it focuses on your body. Its upsets me to think about what my body is doing. When someone say relax I tense right up.
Nurtured........its a hard word for me.
I want it.....but I scared of it too.
Scared of weakness.
Scared it means something else.
WTF, its not so easy is it?
Mebbe you could get a govt funded T? They not always the greatest but you could give it a try?
Damn, sorry you in such a tough position.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by Scentedgarden on May 1, 2007, at 5:18:01
In reply to saw my T, posted by gazo on April 30, 2007, at 14:20:56
Posted by gazo on May 1, 2007, at 6:23:26
In reply to Re: saw my T » gazo, posted by muffled on April 30, 2007, at 23:00:02
damn girl.. you my long lost twin or something? that is it EXACTLY want it... scared of it. Can't ask for that... makes me afraid he won't give it... or something like that.
i'm not worried about knowing what my body is doing. i can understand where you are coming from though. i just feel dumb doing it. like if he was asking me to do the hokey pokey or something. hahaha.. just feel stupid.
i'm trying now to figure out what to say in a letter to him. i want to tell him that when he changed his tone and got soothing (even more than usual) that he made brief contact with the real me that is in here somewhere. i can't just say it like that... too risky yet. and i don't want to end up with Barney as a therapist.
i'm all tough stuff and put on a good show.. not as much now, not as afraid of him.
muffy girl.. you know where i am at. now... i gotta not start faxing him! hahaha... you bad girl.
much love and peace
ps.. non grata... people are tired of same old $h1t i am in i think. don't blame anyone.. i am tired of it too.
Posted by gazo on May 1, 2007, at 6:24:42
In reply to You're a person who is LOVED + LIKED..NOT nongrata (nm), posted by Scentedgarden on May 1, 2007, at 5:18:01
Posted by gazo on May 1, 2007, at 11:17:41
In reply to doing bad.. brief stop in.. **trigger**, posted by gazo on April 28, 2007, at 19:38:18
i dropped off a letter!! woohoo!! i almost threw up but i did it. i sealed it in an envelope and intended to leave it with the secretary.. and also so i couldn't just re-read it and change my mind. So, i got all the way to the third floor and to the main office... and this is silly, but i always bend down and peek through the blinds to make sure his door isn't open. (i know...i'm a freak) The secretary's door was closed so i almost left.. but i could see HIS door was open a crack. i stood there maybe 10min trying to decide what to do... then i walked in and knocked on his door. He came out and i just gave him the envelope. We spoke just for a second... he didn't bite me or anything!
i am so proud. :o)
the number two big amazing thing is i might have a job!!! don't know yet. Today seems like a big day. Coolness. :o)
Posted by gazo on May 1, 2007, at 13:21:23
In reply to holy crap.. you won't believe this!, posted by gazo on May 1, 2007, at 11:17:41
ok.. so the day is on a roll..
the job is still iffy... no idea.
BUT.. i realised a schedule weirdness thing with my T and i CALLED. i left a voicemail telling him i needed to check on those appts plus another potential issues should i get this job.
he called back but didn't catch me.. so he left a voicemail.. which, of course i saved so i can listen to it again. He said he had read my note and was very pleased to know i felt we had connected so well. i had told him i felt he got to meet the real me briefly. He said he knew it had been a difficult appointment and was very pleased i had felt it was worth it. COOLNESS!!
the big kicker.. i called him back and he answered. i thought i was going to choke up but i didn't... proly cuz it was about scheduling and not abouta meltdown or anything.
we figured it all out and joked a little :o) i even have a week with two appts now. yay... cuz i'm trying to milk the insurance while i can.
the only sad part is he is about to leave for a three week vacation soon. :o( But i'll be ok. Hopefully i'll be working by then.
what a freaking awesome day. Maybe i should buy a lotto ticket or something.
Posted by LadyBug on May 1, 2007, at 15:02:34
In reply to Re: or this!!!, posted by gazo on May 1, 2007, at 13:21:23
gazo,
I'm so excited for you!!! This is awesome. I hope you get your job and that you keep on moving in that positive direction! Yes, go buy yourself a lottery ticket, you're on a roll!!!
Have the rest of a good day!!!
LadyBug
Posted by muffled on May 4, 2007, at 0:10:15
In reply to Re: or this!!!, posted by gazo on May 1, 2007, at 13:21:23
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]
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