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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 18, 2007, at 19:12:49
Maybe you guys can make sense of this. I'm just trying to stay safe.
First let me start with the good news. I made it home from my office in one piece and crossed only when the little man said "go" and got on the right bus. Then I found my keys and greeted my cat with mutual affection and hooked up my computer in bed with my comforter and pillows propped up to support my head. I am safe, though I don't always feel safe, but I'm in my safe place.
now the bad news
1) one of my diss committee members is suddenly unavailble for the date I confirmed over a month ago. Now I have to play "pleasing impossible busy people who don't give a sh*t" and get them to agree on a new time, all while they bitch and moan about how important their work is. And the ones who don't bitch and moan are silent and don't tell me when or if they're available. I'm having a panic attack in my office as it starts going down. and I take a klonopin and wait for 5 minutes. go to my advisor and ask her what to do and she suggests ... something impossible... THANKS for her input. I go to a secretary who is very kind and gives me some possible times. This might work afterall. then the waiting... for the 3rd and 4th person to tell me it will work. the waiting is the worst thing...2) my pdoc today decides that the folks in the hospital were onto something. says that many of my symptoms are indications of bipolar disorder. I say "tell me more" and realize what the statistics are. In the middle of at least my 3rd depressive episode I realize that I'm going to need to be on medication. According to statistical models my depressions are likely to reoccur somewhere between 90-100%. And that my current status is probably a mixed state that has been going on for sometime and includes elements of extreme productivity (i.e. writing diss in 3 weeks) and extreme instability (i.e. wanting to kill myself often, like every day. Don't worry these are just little intense thoughts. I am in my safe place now. with the cat. I wasn't prepared for a new Dx today. It's really depressing. And polarizing. And sounds grave. Makes me feel like I'm never going to get better. I guess I may never get better. I should just accept that. I feel like I've been handed a death sentence of chronic disease. Somehow PTSD (which I guess I can still have) seems more positive, since trauma can be resolved and managed behaviorally. but bipolar disorder. that's so. permanent. and serious. I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me.
3. Depression every day. Every afternoon it greets me. By evening it's exhausted me. I hope to be in a safe place when it gets really bad every day because I do dumb things like crossing the street without looking or giving a sh*t. like... m*therfuckers. run me the f*ck over.
4. babblemess
5. no good news. only lots of triggers of senseless violence and speculations of how mental illness caused so much senseless death. Mental illness... I guess I get life-long membership into that unappreciated and stigmatized group.
6. my friends are struggling right now too. babble friends and IRL friends. I feel like an additional burden.
7. My diss advisor decided last night at 9pm that my intro was no good and that I hadn't make the changes that I said I would make. (I guess I just didn't get it, or maybe I thought I DID make the changes) Do I have the heart to rewrite 40 pages. I might do it if I knew I'd feel good about my work when it's done. But I don't feel good about anything. when it's done it's done and I have nothing to do but ... think... about myself and my life... and that's no good right now.
8) I feel like there is nothing that anyone can say to me that will make me feel better. I appreciate the gestures of babblesupport, it's just that I'm so low that I cannot possibly comprehend how a few simple words would make me feel better. I just don't understand how words can help. I value you all as caring, understanding people with good hearts. I think that you all are intelligent and have a unique range of life experiences, but I'm so down that I don't even see how I can help myself, much less help anyone else or allow anyone else to help me. part of me is doing my isolating thing of withdrawing from the world. then I survive another day and it starts all over again. the good moods of the morning. the panic and depression of the evening, the exhaustion and utter despair of the nighttime.9) I've had a headache for 6 weeks now. my pdoc tells me it's a tension headache. I am resistant to his suggestions of how to get rid of tension. I just want to feel better now. At least he gave me more free samples.
10) because 10 is a good number. you survived to the end. so did I. yay for both of us.
-Ll
Posted by Declan on April 18, 2007, at 20:26:31
In reply to random list of stuff that sucks right now, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 18, 2007, at 19:12:49
The redeeming thing about BP (if that's what it is) is this
>elements of extreme productivity (i.e. writing diss in 3 weeks)You don't have to medicate your BPolarity under the counter. There should be some way of ameliorating the worst of the lows without turning you into a zombie or completely getting rid of your capacity to do stuff.
Do you think?
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 18, 2007, at 20:54:26
In reply to Re: random list of stuff that sucks right now, posted by Declan on April 18, 2007, at 20:26:31
but I don't wanna be bipolar.
it was hard enough to be majorly depressed.
and then it was hard to be depressed not otherwise specified.
i was satisfied with the ptsd Dx, because T and pdoc were on the same page with that.
I wish this bipolar thing didn't exist. how did it happen? when? I'm in my late 20's why didn't i need to be treated until now?
I'm not up to date on my knowledge of BPolarity. I feel up a creek with no paddle and no map of where the big rapids are.
regarding suckiness about my advisor I sent her a request for a meeting. Maybe I'll have a complete breakdown in her office like last week and she'll be nice to me for a day or two before she's back to her thing of trying to throw stuff at her students at the last minute. I've seen her do this to the last student she advised. It's her pattern.I'm so depressed I can't even get a good cry going on. you know that feeling?
Posted by gazo on April 19, 2007, at 0:10:19
In reply to random list of stuff that sucks right now, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 18, 2007, at 19:12:49
>I feel like I've been handed a death sentence of chronic disease.
it doesn't really mean that Llurpsie. i have BP.. and even though i am having a hell of a time right now, most of it is not because of the BP. The situation has aggrivated my BP though.
BP can't be cured but for many people it's very manageable.. it doesn't have to escalate. Statistics with an illness like BP are hard to put faith in.. there are no tests and so many people get a BP and don't have it or the other way around. The whole thing is subjective. The stats for suicide are higher than average, but i know a LOT of bp's and none who have committed suicide. It would seem statistically impossible.
you never know.. maybe the meds will bring clarity and peace for you. They did for me.. generally at least. i have a very difficult to manage type - rapid cycling, and even then we were able to keep me pretty even for years. Intense emotional stress does me in if it lasts long enough is all.
Is it in your family? If not you might want to consider a second opinion... it can be spontaneous but it's less likely.
also... have they run a bunch of physical tests? Thyroid and such?
i want to give you hope... that it could still be something else, but if the dx is correct that it's not a death sentence. i have to believe it isn't.
Posted by DisTraught on April 19, 2007, at 6:46:48
In reply to random list of stuff that sucks right now, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 18, 2007, at 19:12:49
Hi,
Anyone in your situation (diss final stage) is bound to be depressed and/or wound up. Separating from dis materials?Penny
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 19, 2007, at 7:58:17
In reply to Re: random list of stuff that sucks right now » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by gazo on April 19, 2007, at 0:10:19
> >I feel like I've been handed a death sentence of chronic disease.
>
> it doesn't really mean that Llurpsie. i have BP.. and even though i am having a hell of a time right now, most of it is not because of the BP. The situation has aggrivated my BP though.
>
> BP can't be cured but for many people it's very manageable.. it doesn't have to escalate. Statistics with an illness like BP are hard to put faith in.. there are no tests and so many people get a BP and don't have it or the other way around. The whole thing is subjective. The stats for suicide are higher than average, but i know a LOT of bp's and none who have committed suicide. It would seem statistically impossible.
>
> you never know.. maybe the meds will bring clarity and peace for you. They did for me.. generally at least. i have a very difficult to manage type - rapid cycling, and even then we were able to keep me pretty even for years. Intense emotional stress does me in if it lasts long enough is all.
>
> Is it in your family? If not you might want to consider a second opinion... it can be spontaneous but it's less likely.older brother :(
> also... have they run a bunch of physical tests? Thyroid and such?
multiple times. my values are always peachy clean.
> i want to give you hope... that it could still be something else, but if the dx is correct that it's not a death sentence. i have to believe it isn't.I know it's not a death sentence. I was worried by posting this that it would really hurt the feelings of people struggling with bipolar. It was just a feeling that's all...
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 19, 2007, at 7:59:47
In reply to Re: random list of stuff that sucks right now, posted by DisTraught on April 19, 2007, at 6:46:48
> Hi,
> Anyone in your situation (diss final stage) is bound to be depressed and/or wound up. Separating from dis materials?
>
> Pennyno doubt.
I want to have it out of my life but then what?
T prepared me for depression she said it was natural, almost inevitable. like postpartum depression.
Posted by gazo on April 19, 2007, at 8:43:05
In reply to Re: random list of stuff that sucks right now » gazo, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 19, 2007, at 7:58:17
no worries darlin.. my feelings are not hurt. i understand why you feel this way. i did too.
one thing that i did that changed it somewhat for me is i decided to be a beacon. i felt that i had opportunities many Bpers don't. i had a degree, i could function generally... as in pay my bills and operate daily life stuff. i know many who are so troubled they can't. You are not one of them or you wouldn't have gotten this far either.
i decided (and this was just me) that i could show the world that we aren't all f*ed up, we aren't all drooling in a corner somewhere. Lots of Bpers have perfectly successful lives... it just takes some work.
so i got involved in mental health and i did public talks. i started a support group and i started a news letter. As i educated myself i encouraged my pdoc and the mental health people to connect people with me when they were newly dx'd.
The more i saw their fear the more galvanized i became.
even my old T had misperceptions because he had not had experience with BPers.. and i normally would never dare challenge him on anything.. except that. i breath fire then.
i can recommend a good BP web group by babble mail if you want... or i can lend an ear.
It isn't a bed of roses, i admit. But you can make a better life.. with a solid dx it means you have the hope of finding something that will work for you. And when it does the difference can be amazing.
i am sorry that this is a weight on you right now. That is a normal response. i just want to hug you and lift your spirits.. you are Llurpsie regardless of a dx or not. Wonderful happy loving llurpsie.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 19, 2007, at 8:53:52
In reply to Re: random list of stuff that sucks right now » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by gazo on April 19, 2007, at 8:43:05
you are a beacon gazo.
thanks for shining for me
and for accepting me just the way I am.
I don't think anyone would ever agree that I was BPI. BPII is a possibility. I am going to talk about it with my T. I HAVE to talk about it with my T since it's causing me to have distress. meanwhile...
I get to be me regardless of some new letters attached to a chart somewhere. I guess. I was just hoping I would get better on my own and go back to living a life of no medication.
Maybe scratchpad is telling me that it can be done. difficult but it can be done.
my own brother has done it. he hasn't been in treatment for a decade and he has done pretty well for himself.
pdoc told me that estrogen is not so good for the bipolar folks. that it causes symptoms when it increases and then suddenly decreases during our cycles. I guess I have that symptom. I have always been very moody and even suicidal around that time of the month. a bellwether.
I guess I just figured that was natural part of having a uterus and ovaries.
what about crunchy cuticles. I have that symptom too.
and lack of motivation to rewrite the introduction to my diss. I have that kind of apathy that kept me in bed for 6 hours before bedtime. at least I was on babble though ((((((babble)))))) something to do that is free and won't tempt me to do something dumb.
thanks gazo for the pep talk. I'm glad you are gazo
-Ll
Posted by gazo on April 19, 2007, at 9:29:11
In reply to Re: random list of stuff that sucks right now » gazo, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 19, 2007, at 8:53:52
well, i'll be honest.. i am not one of the people who thinks BPers need to be on meds continuously for life amen. i have argued that with pdocs even.
BUT... there is something you should know to help inform yourself. It's called kindling. The theory is that each time we get manic/hypomanic more of the brain can become involved, leading to a worsening of the disorder.
i say pfffft.
the research behind that theory is old, and i don't know of any new studies AND it was done with BPI patients which is awhole other ball of wax.
BPII like me, and possibly yours truly, have less chance of worsening to that degree.
it is a spectrum sort of illness though.
look into omega-3 (i think it's 3) as a nutritional supplement.. it has hard evidence of helping BP.
in order to live med free it takes committment and work. And you have to draw a line for yourself... as in "if i get to this point i will take meds." You would need an excellent support system, therapy and a cooperative pdoc. It would be like managing diabetes trough diet alone.
i beleive it can be done. FOr you, i dunno... you'd have to experiement.
i would personally.. and take or toss.. but i would give the meds a try, to get stabilized and go from there. It's hard to work out a good non-med plan if you are struggling.
if there is ANYTHING i can to to help please just ask.
much love and peace
Posted by bil on April 19, 2007, at 14:53:26
In reply to random list of stuff that sucks right now, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 18, 2007, at 19:12:49
Llurpsie-
I am confused... It sounds like you have so many difficult things going on at the moment- lots of stress and stuff that you are having to cope with, so why is your T making you terminate??I mean, (ok, maybe I just don't understand) but it sounds like to me that it's really pulling the rug out from under your feet. Do you have any say-so in when your sessions end? I would think it's important to end when you feel like you are at a safe place, isn't it??
But then, I know I'm not the best judge! (I'm a bit down on therapy at the moment) I was just thinking it seems rather harsh of your T to expect you to quit because she decided so.
bil
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 19, 2007, at 17:22:28
In reply to Re: random list of stuff that sucks right now, posted by bil on April 19, 2007, at 14:53:26
T is not making me terminate. My husband is changing jobs and so we're moving.
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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