![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on March 6, 2007, at 16:27:22
Saw my T this morning. It didnt go so great.
She mentioned the possibility of trying intensive longer-term residential treatment.. something longer than just a hospital psych unit. A residential facility. No way. No way no way no way. I may be really depressed, but I'm not crazy. I refuse to drop out of life completely, as I'd have to do in order to go into a program like that, unless I'm dead.
She asked if I'd cut yesterday and when I said no, she said she was surprised. Nothing like your T having so much confidence in you, huh? (sarcasm)
We spent most of the session talking about my cases at work and the kid's stories. It's easier to talk about other people than yourself. I think it's just that neither of us know what to say to each other now.
She was unhappy that I stopped taking my meds after I got out. But I'm NOT going to take a med that puts my blood pressure down to 78/44 (yesterday morning) and pulse up to 145. Thats more than an annoying side effect.. its dangerous and scary. I knew she wouldnt be thrilled with that. I tried to tell her I'm not playing games. I dont know if she believed me.
It feels like it just doesnt matter now. I've lost her. We've lost each other. Neither of us has the first clue what to even say.
I'm seeing Laurie, my old T from this summer, next Wed. It was Ginnys suggestion, to see her once. I guess Ginny is hoping that Laurie will smack some sense into me and get things rolling for us again. But I went in there ready and willing to talk today, and the connection was just gone.
I'm really, really wanting to just quit therapy. She knows this. We're talking about the idea. There is no where else in town I could go twice a week either.. it was only this one place, and now their rules have changed. I'd rather cope on my own than be teased by it once a week. That's just enough to bring up the feelings, but not enough to really work through stuff (at least as things are right now) or let me feel supported.
She knows how I feel about all of that.. about not getting enough support, wanting to quit, etc.
I wish I knew what to do. It hurts. I'm feeling alone.
Posted by TherapyGirl on March 6, 2007, at 17:14:06
In reply to appt with T today, posted by wishingstar on March 6, 2007, at 16:27:22
I'm so sorry, WS. I wish I knew what to advise. Are you sure nowhere else would offer twice/week? And Ginny won't "grandfather" you in at twice/week?
I'm just so sorry. I'm hoping Laurie will help.
Posted by scentedgarden on March 6, 2007, at 17:27:58
In reply to appt with T today, posted by wishingstar on March 6, 2007, at 16:27:22
> Saw my T this morning. It didnt go so great.
I'm sorry to hear that... and i'm not very good at this shring advice on here but i just want to offer support and any comfort i can from my own place of hurt... if that makes sense!?
>
> She mentioned the possibility of trying intensive longer-term residential treatment.. something longer than just a hospital psych unit. A residential facility. No way. No way no way no way. I may be really depressed, but I'm not crazy. I refuse to drop out of life completely, as I'd have to do in order to go into a program like that, unless I'm dead.**Wishing star... I think in my opinion that you're very right to feel this way, and I agree and support you 100%...!!!!!
>
> She asked if I'd cut yesterday and when I said no, she said she was surprised. Nothing like your T having so much confidence in you, huh? (sarcasm)This is a bitch and i know it probably hurt you lots... Mine told me she is disappointed in me, and don't trust me no more>><< so i can understand that feeling, and your exprerssing it aas sarcasm, becasue you are hurt... and I'm sorry I really wish I could make it all better for you Wishing star..!!
>
> We spent most of the session talking about my cases at work and the kid's stories. It's easier to talk about other people than yourself. I think it's just that neither of us know what to say to each other now.**God almighty that rings so true... you know.. we do probably talk more than is needed about others... and when i THINK OF ALL THOSE APPTS i THREW AWAY CHATTING ABOUT OTHERS INSTAED OF THE REAL ISSUE, IT'S SO PAINFUL.. Now i'd ive anyhting to have those appts back again, but no body told me that therapy worked that way..! there was no guidance in how to do it right... KNow what I mean??... thanks for sharing this with us..
>
> She was unhappy that I stopped taking my meds after I got out. But I'm NOT going to take a med that puts my blood pressure down to 78/44 (yesterday morning) and pulse up to 145. Thats more than an annoying side effect.. its dangerous and scary. I knew she wouldnt be thrilled with that. I tried to tell her I'm not playing games. I dont know if she believed me.I hate it when they think we are playing games... BUT I BELIEVE YOU!!! AND I ALSO THINK YOU MADE A VERY WISE CHOICE... any Dr. in their right mind would never have asked you to continue on a new drug with side effects as such... NOT one!!! and yet therapist seem to just miss the whole bloody point sometimes..! what can I say..?? I don't know if my reply is a help .. I'm kinda new at this and I'm hurting so much right now myself.. I was given some tranqualizers for severe agaitation in the last few weeks and they make my heart race while knocking me out and making me drowsy.. I crashed my car a little twice, exploded my washing machine, and bumped into things hurting myself, and other things i cant remember right now...anyway - so I know what it's like to get new meds and not feel well from them... But they did knock me out which I needed !!! ... PLease will the Dr. prescribe you some nre and better agreeable meds in place of this..? I hope so, but if not it certainly sounds as though you're doing the right thing by staying off those ones..!!
>
> It feels like it just doesnt matter now. I've lost her. We've lost each other. Neither of us has the first clue what to even say.I"m all out of what to say here >> I'm sorry forgive me for not helping right now... It's just sad to read this and I hate to see it happening... It seems Dinah is right, there is a lot of this stuff going around right now...
>
> I'm seeing Laurie, my old T from this summer, next Wed. It was Ginnys suggestion, to see her once. I guess Ginny is hoping that Laurie will smack some sense into me and get things rolling for us again. But I went in there ready and willing to talk today, and the connection was just gone.Maybe it will be better at the next appointment.. maybe the connection is not lost completely... I don't think it's your fault that the connection is gone but i don't really know..!! PLease don't hurt about it... if you can please be kind to yourself... as Im sure she isnt hurting that much... just as my T aint at home crying over me...(9 what a foolish thought of mine )
>
> I'm really, really wanting to just quit therapy. She knows this. We're talking about the idea. There is no where else in town I could go twice a week either.. it was only this one place, and now their rules have changed. I'd rather cope on my own than be teased by it once a week. That's just enough to bring up the feelings, but not enough to really work through stuff (at least as things are right now) or let me feel supported.Quiting therapy is hard.. and maybe it feels that way for you now, but hey! you have a hterapsit willing to see you once a week.. forgive me but thats the most I ever saw mine in 4 yrs was once weekly , and so i just like you to know that lots of good work CAN be done even once a week..!! I'd give anyhting right now to have those weekly appointment s abck, BOY WOULD I MAKE THE MOST OF IT, if i had the chance to do over>>>> and I did feel supported by it, and we did lots of really good bonding, and CBT, and transference and counter transference... we did it all on a once weekly routine...Maybe you can try it... as it's not so bad really, the weeks begin to fly past.. and before you know it the day to go to therpay is in the next day again..!
>
> She knows how I feel about all of that.. about not getting enough support, wanting to quit, etc.well if she knows , then surerly she will tell you why she is only offereing once weekly... she will surely discuss it all with you Wishing Star... I remeber asking mine to see me more and she maintained it wasnt helpful for me in the long run... and that we could still do good work with weekly sessions... I guess in hindsight she was right... and i just didnt know it until now....So please if you can avoid wasting the chance aS I FEEL I CERTAINLY DID... please concsider remaining in it...hanging in there and having a chance to continue the good work you have begun.. (If im talking bollocks pls forgive me - as I dont know your whole history..>> I'm just passing on my best feelings and thought and experience that I had.. if anything can help you I wish you well...)
>
> I wish I knew what to do.
I wish you will know... I wish the same for me too... and I believe deep down the answer will shine through...bright and clear, just like you Wishing Star!!It hurts. *** Oh baby... It's going to be okay... everyhting will be allright.... It will be ...It hass to be.... the pain and hurt it must stop... we ? YOU deserve a good life without the pain and hurt so much ...yeah?!
I'm feeling alone. (((Wishing Star)))) You're NOT alone.. I care about you.. we care about you... People on here look out for you and care very much... PLease baby... you're never alone..
=Thinking of you and sending you Peaceful and comfort thoughts all the way to America from here...Sg
Posted by wishingstar on March 6, 2007, at 20:31:59
In reply to Re: appt with T today » wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on March 6, 2007, at 17:14:06
Thanks therapygirl. Yes, I'm sure. The only other sliding scale agency in my area only does once-a-weeks too. There are of course therapists in private practice, but I dont have any mental health insurance, so there is no way I could afford it. My old Ts have been in private practice and I've always made a deal with them to pay a certain (lower) fee ($45 for anne, $75 for laurie), but even then, I couldnt afford that fee twice a week out of pocket. It'd be $100+ a week. There's just no way.
And no, Ginny wont make any exceptions or grandfather me in. It makes me so mad and so hurt. She should be willing to do that. I'm fairly sure I'm the only client she personally sees twice a week, so how hard would it be for her to make an exception? At least for a few months when I'm in such a terrible spot? I know it isnt fair to make an exception for one person and not others... and this is a rule she made for the entire agency, so its not just affecting me.. but it still feels so unfair. I'm NOT okay with once a week. I'm not safe. She promised she'd be there for me through it.
I hope Laurie will help too. But I doubt it. There's really nothing that can be said about this. It just sucks and it hurts. Period. Does it trigger my old issues? Sure, it does. I'm aware of that. But that doesnt make the pain or abandonment feelings any less real.
> I'm so sorry, WS. I wish I knew what to advise. Are you sure nowhere else would offer twice/week? And Ginny won't "grandfather" you in at twice/week?
>
> I'm just so sorry. I'm hoping Laurie will help.
Posted by wishingstar on March 6, 2007, at 20:44:24
In reply to Re: appt with T today, posted by scentedgarden on March 6, 2007, at 17:27:58
> I'm sorry to hear that... and i'm not very good at this shring advice on here but i just want to offer support and any comfort i can from my own place of hurt... if that makes sense!?
> >***yes, that makes sense. thank you. it does help.
>
> This is a bitch and i know it probably hurt you lots... Mine told me she is disappointed in me, and don't trust me no more>><< so i can understand that feeling, and your exprerssing it aas sarcasm, becasue you are hurt... and I'm sorry I really wish I could make it all better for you Wishing star..!!
> >***I dont think shes a bitch. I think shes feeling lost. I think she feels clueless as to how to help me. I think shes frustrated. But it was a little hurtful that she didnt have more confidence in me. I wanted her to say "good job", not "I'm surprised". But I know she didnt mean it to be hurtful, and it really wasnt that big of a deal.. just.. eh. Not the ideal response.
> **God almighty that rings so true... you know.. we do probably talk more than is needed about others... and when i THINK OF ALL THOSE APPTS i THREW AWAY CHATTING ABOUT OTHERS INSTAED OF THE REAL ISSUE, IT'S SO PAINFUL.. Now i'd ive anyhting to have those appts back again, but no body told me that therapy worked that way..! there was no guidance in how to do it right... KNow what I mean??... thanks for sharing this with us..
> >***I do know what you mean. And I'm sorry you had that experience. It's hard.
>
> I hate it when they think we are playing games... BUT I BELIEVE YOU!!! AND I ALSO THINK YOU MADE A VERY WISE CHOICE... any Dr. in their right mind would never have asked you to continue on a new drug with side effects as such... NOT one!!! and yet therapist seem to just miss the whole bloody point sometimes..! what can I say..??** Yeah, the doctors on call at the hospital this weekend werent very good at all. They kept trying to force anti-anxiety meds on me, no matter how many times I refused them. I never did take one. I wasnt feeling anxious. And they tried to give me a sleeping pill the first night I was there without even asking if I wanted it. I refused. I dont have trouble sleeping, so why take a pill for it?
My therapit hasnt always been like this. Thats why I think shes just feeling frustrated and helpless and who knows what. Up until a few weeks ago, she was wonderful. I liked her a whole lot and I was SO happy to have found her. But yes, we're having issues recently, but I think they go deeper than the issues we're discussing, like the meds.>
>I don't know if my reply is a help .. I'm kinda new at this and I'm hurting so much right now myself.. I was given some tranqualizers for severe agaitation in the last few weeks and they make my heart race while knocking me out and making me drowsy.. I crashed my car a little twice, exploded my washing machine, and bumped into things hurting myself, and other things i cant remember right now...anyway - so I know what it's like to get new meds and not feel well from them... But they did knock me out which I needed !!! ... PLease will the Dr. prescribe you some nre and better agreeable meds in place of this..? I hope so, but if not it certainly sounds as though you're doing the right thing by staying off those ones..!!
> >
***Yikes.. I'm sorry to hear you're having so much trouble with that med. Maybe you need to talk to your dr again. That sounds dangerous.>
> Maybe it will be better at the next appointment.. maybe the connection is not lost completely... I don't think it's your fault that the connection is gone but i don't really know..!! PLease don't hurt about it... if you can please be kind to yourself... as Im sure she isnt hurting that much... just as my T aint at home crying over me...(9 what a foolish thought of mine )
> >
***I know she's not at home crying over it. I do think shes worried. And I know shes frustrated. But I can handle that. And I do think a big part of the reason the connection is gone is because of me and my pulling back from her once she said twice-a-weeks were over. But I really just feel too hurt and too vulnerable to do any better with her right now. I'm trying.>
> Quiting therapy is hard.. and maybe it feels that way for you now, but hey! you have a hterapsit willing to see you once a week.. forgive me but thats the most I ever saw mine in 4 yrs was once weekly , and so i just like you to know that lots of good work CAN be done even once a week..!! I'd give anyhting right now to have those weekly appointment s abck, BOY WOULD I MAKE THE MOST OF IT, if i had the chance to do over>>>> and I did feel supported by it, and we did lots of really good bonding, and CBT, and transference and counter transference... we did it all on a once weekly routine...Maybe you can try it... as it's not so bad really, the weeks begin to fly past.. and before you know it the day to go to therpay is in the next day again..!
> >***I've been in therapy on and off for about eight years, and up until this past Oct, I had never done anything but once a weeks either. So I definitely have expreience with that. For me, it just doesnt work as well.. and thats especially true now when I'm feeling so desperate and having such a hard time. For me, the weeks never just flew by. A week feels like an eternity. Even the few days between seeing Ginny twice a week feels like an eternity sometimes.
> well if she knows , then surerly she will tell you why she is only offereing once weekly... she will surely discuss it all with you Wishing Star...
> >**She has told me why. It's not personal.. it's an administrative decision shes made for the entire agency. Shes the director. I think its about funding. But knowing that doesnt make it any easier.
Thank you for all your kind thoughts and wishes scentedgarden. I'm trying my best and it helps to know I'm not alone.
Posted by TherapyGirl on March 6, 2007, at 20:48:08
In reply to Re: appt with T today » TherapyGirl, posted by wishingstar on March 6, 2007, at 20:31:59
You're right. Knowing it triggers old feelings does NOT make the pain go away -- and also doesn't negate the present-day pain.
I really wish I could fix this for you.
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 6, 2007, at 22:55:21
In reply to appt with T today, posted by wishingstar on March 6, 2007, at 16:27:22
You not alone wishy I thinking of you.
Dunno what to say cept bout how its been w/my T, maybe that'd give you hope?
So:
Took long time for me to trust mt T at all. Now I finally mostly trust her. We have had bad sessions where she just SO didn't get me at all. She has admitted to me at times that she didn't know what to do w/me. That I was 'challenging'. She has consulted w/other in her practice bout me. She sent me to govt psych (they free) for consult(I got the boot out of their anxiety program). I have been mean to her. We have had utterly wasted sessions that sometimes are my fault and sometimes HERS! Cuz she got her own sh*t too. Once a week has been hard, its VERY slow progress, ESP at the first quite awhile. But I can't do 2x/wk, though she gives me a cut rate. But we have persevered, her with me, and ME with HER. Slowly we move ahead. Yup its slow.
What helps me in btwn sessions is sending her faxes, cuz then I feel connected somehow. Occasionally I will lv a message for her to tell me IF she got fax, but really I just want to hear her voice and know she's there....
So I dunno if you just having a dry spell w/Ginny, and whether if you persevere w/her that mebbe there will be better times ahead, or whether she just no good.
Wishy, seriously, I think you WAY stronger than you give yourself credit for. And you are supportive of me many times. You got so much good in you. I wish you the very best. I think you got ALOT of good stuff to offer to this world.
Take care your self OK? Sorry if my words are wrong. Sometimes I seem to say the wrong thing right now.
Kinda scattered somehow am I.
Take care.
Posted by wishingstar on March 8, 2007, at 14:38:25
In reply to Re: appt with T today » wishingstar, posted by Iwillsurvive on March 6, 2007, at 22:55:21
Went again today.
Eh. Just blah. What else can I say?
She gave me chances to be "real". I never took them. After about 15 minutes, she said that if I didnt want to be there, I could leave, because there wasnt much for us to talk about if I wouldnt open up. I didnt leave, but I probably should have. She said that there was some truth to what I said a few weeks back when I tried to quit, about maybe if I'm not willing to do what she wants me to do, I need to quit. She strongly disagreed with that statement when I said it before, and told me that I was going to keep coming, but I knew what I said was true. There's no reason for me to keep going really.
For what I'm giving her, I guess shes doing a pretty good job. I dont know. I'm not sure what else she could do really. I guess shes trying to problem solve though and all I really want her to do is say "its ok, I still like you. i want you to keep coming. things are going to be okay". I need to know that she still wants to see me and that I'm still important, even if I'm being difficult. Of course I didnt tell her that. Of course.
One thing that makes me nervous is I think shes putting a lot of faith in me seeing Laurie (old T from the summer) next week. I'm seeing her on Wed, just for one session, at Ginnys suggestion. I think Ginny feels like Laurie is going to be able to talk me out of this and I just dont know if that's the case. But I am excited to see her. I just hope it's an okay session. I'm going to try to go in and tell Laurie what I need from her before we really get into talking, to make sure it goes as well as possible. I just need her validation, her support, her understanding of how hard everything is right now.. I dont need her to try to dive into any congitive-behavioral thought-changing stuff in an attempt to fix things. I think I could fix it myself if I felt strong enough to. I just dont feel that strong.
I got back to my office about 12:30 (my appt was at 11) and wrote Ginny a long email. I'm going to post it in a seperate post (on this thread) right after this. I dont really have the energy to summarize it, and plus I'll probably freak out if I go back and reread exactly what I sent her, so I'll just post it all. I intentionally did it immediately after getting back to the office, so I didnt have time to push the feelings down and talk myself out of it. Of course now I know I probably look like I'm really playing games with her, even more than before.. but whatever. I just cant make myself care.
She asked me today, "so are you giving up?" I said I guess so. I guess I am. I dont know what else to do. I wish I wasnt putting her in such a hard spot too.
Posted by wishingstar on March 8, 2007, at 14:41:48
In reply to update.. saw her again, posted by wishingstar on March 8, 2007, at 14:38:25
Here's the letter I sent to Ginny. I'm not sure if I regret it yet or not, but I'm sure I will by next time I see her (which is next Thurs).
Hi Ginny,
This got long. If you dont have time to read it and want to hit print
and read it later while I'm there, thats okay. But I dont want to sit in
the room while you do, if you choose to do that. So just let me know.
----In keeping with my pattern of doing things the WRONG way, I'm going to
tell you what's really going on, now that I've left your office. (It's
about 12:30 Thurs, just got back to my office a few minutes ago.) I'm
fully aware that this isnt the way to handle things and I'm probably
being frustrating and manipulative and "asking you to do all the work" (a
quote from Anne) and anything else you might like to add. Sorry. I
know.I dont trust you because it doesnt feel safe anymore. If I tell you
anything even vaguely emotional, it makes me a little more vulnerable, and
I have absolutely no ability to tolerate any more hurt from anyone
right now without going completely over the deep end. I'm just too
vulnerable and too sensitive right now.I need you reassure me and tell me you want me to keep coming. I need
to know that it's okay. What is "it"? Who knows. That it's okay to be
scared, okay to not have it all together and be doing everything correct
right now... and whatever else.I dont think that I need you to "fix" anything right now. I can do the
"fixing".. maybe not well, but I can be responsible for it and do what
needs to be done in the moment to keep myself going. And I think you
can trust me to do that most of the time. I guess what I need it just a
place that is safe and supportive and validating of how hard it is more
than anything else. Of course I realize there's no way for you to be
any of those things if I wont talk to you. But maybe I'm afraid you wont
be that (accidentally or on purpose) even if I DO talk to you. And
that'd be worse than not talking at all.Not trying to make anything your responsibility here. I'm very aware of
the issue that'd bring and how what I'm saying could be taken that way.
I dont necessairly think my adding this little disclaimer makes a
difference, but I'm saying it anyway. Sometimes I wonder what is okay to say
and what isnt because if I'm 100% honest with how I feel, sometimes
someone else ends up feeling manipulated (understandably). But if I didnt
say it, I wouldnt be saying how I felt.I also meant to tell you today (and forgot until I was on my way back
here) that there's something we need to talk about regarding the
cutting. I'm aware that it's becoming a communication tool as much as a coping
mechanism. That isn't good.I'm also still frustrated about the scheduling decision. I think you
made a bad decision. I think the timing is bad, and even though I know
its administrative, there had to be a better option that was more fair to
your current clients too. I know hard decisions have to be made, and
maybe something had to change before I was ready regardless, but the
timing couldnt have been worse if we'd planned it. Is this more about my
issues and past stuff than you? Sure, it is. But knowing that doesnt make
it feel any better or negate the current hurt. It seems like there has
to be a better solution. Would you see me twice a week if I paid you
like I paid Anne and Laurie for the second one? A rhetorical question
really, because I think I know the answer, but if you'd do it, I would.Sorry I'm acting like I am. I'm aware of what I'm doing, but I just
dont feel like I can do any better right now. The possibility of something
going "wrong" is real (because heck, I can take well-intended comments
and run with them even) and I'm just not in a place where I could even
handle one more thing. Sorry if I'm putting you in a hard place. Sorry
if I'm saying sorry too much. :) If you're at a place where you feel
like you cant help me and dont know what to do, okay. Just say so. I'd
rather know now and get hit over the head with ALL of it at once than
try to keep coming, try to trust you, and be surprised again in a few
weeks or a month.Didnt mean for this to be so long. I guess it's something for Thursday.
Enjoy the nice weather.. it's pretty outside.
(signed)
Posted by frida on March 9, 2007, at 1:11:30
In reply to the letter (see above post), posted by wishingstar on March 8, 2007, at 14:41:48
Dear wishingstar..
wow...your letter is very honest, raw and vulnerable and I'm sooo glad you sent it to her. It will really help her realize/understand what's going on, and what you are needing and how you feel.
I know you feel you'll regret it...but I think you were honest, vulnerable and you are trying to reach out.. and risk trusting a little. I feel she'll see that too.I hope that when you see her she'll give you the reassurance you need right now...
I think your letter is a very positive step and I think it should make her feel that you are not giving up..that you are hurting very deeply...and are just afraid of trusting and being hurt.
Hugs to you,
Frida
Posted by TherapyGirl on March 9, 2007, at 4:01:47
In reply to the letter (see above post), posted by wishingstar on March 8, 2007, at 14:41:48
You did a beautiful job with this, Wishing. I'll be interested in hearing her response. And it doesn't feel manipulative to me -- it feels honest and real and sad.
Please let us know what Ginny says in response, okay?
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 9, 2007, at 12:42:15
In reply to the letter (see above post), posted by wishingstar on March 8, 2007, at 14:41:48
WOW.
AMAZING letter WS.
I think many of us on babble 'get it' cuz we understand. I hope your T 'gets it'.
Just want you to be prepared if she don't get it as well as you might wish. Really its seems totally well written and clear to me, but then there's stuff I have written to my t that I thot was SO clear, and arrrggghh, she misses it ENTIRELY. She has told me and shown me stuff that says communication is only partly words, alot is body language, and tone of voice, inflection, etc. So THAT is why she don't 'get' my writings sometimes. She's more a face to face communicator, which is kinda hilarious cuz I rarely look at her! Its taken her a long time to be able to sort of 'read' me. I hide so much in session.
Anyhow, I really am totally impressed with your letter, super impressed. I'm not trying to be facetious here, but its inspired IMHO. Seriously.
I really, really, hope Ginny 'gets' it WS, cuz she seems to have potential as a T.
Would you show the letter to Laurie? or would that be no use?
I send the very best wishes your way.
I TOTALLY admire you, I really do.
Take care.
Posted by wishingstar on March 10, 2007, at 0:02:57
In reply to Re: the letter (see above post) » wishingstar, posted by Iwillsurvive on March 9, 2007, at 12:42:15
Thank for all. I hope she sees it this way too.. as "honest, real, and sad".. because thats exactly how it feels. But sometimes it seems like it doesnt matter what the underlying motivation is.. she might see it how she wants to see it, throw it into my "this is borderline stuff!" box of fun.. or just be too frustrated with me to know what to do with it.. and miss the point entirely. I hope not. Its funny because to me, and to those who have been there, it feels so obvious.. I wish these things were clear to Ts as well.
Thank you for saying you're impressed iwillsurvive (I want to call you by your old name! argh). I'm not sure if you should be impressed at this point, because I have done a LOT of really dumb, harmful things to myself and my therapy in the past few weeks.. but I'm trying. I wish everyone would see past the dumb things and see how hard I'm trying. I dont mean you all.. I think you all do see it. But Ginny. And others. It means a lot to me that youd say that though. Simple validation it really big for me right now. I will think about showing it to Laurie.. its a good idea.
My advisor from grad school called Ginny today. Pam (advisor) tried to call me last night and this morning and I didnt answer either time (for good reason, and I just hadnt been able to return the call yet) and she was afraid I'd hurt myself, so she called Ginny. Lovely. I called and left Ginny a "sorry, I'm fine" message once I found out. Pam does care a lot, but is very wacky and hard to rely on emotionally in some ways. Ginny told her to call the police to check on me if she felt she needed to. Thankssss Ginny! Yuck. I know she was trying to help though.
I just hate myself so much right now.
But you all help so much. Thank you.
I'll let you know what happens with Ginny on Thursday. I hope she gets it. I just need to feel safe.
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 10, 2007, at 0:32:55
In reply to Re: the letter (see above post), posted by wishingstar on March 10, 2007, at 0:02:57
>I just need to feel safe.
See, thats huge for me.
To feel safe.
I wonder if Ginny understands that. The whole thing about not feeling safe. I think alot of babblers know bout this. But mebbe its hard to understand if you've never been there....
I'm really tired so I goto go, just that line jumped out at me.
This is the end of the thread.
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