![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 14 to 38 of 41. Go back in thread:
Posted by Raindancer on February 26, 2007, at 18:03:11
In reply to ^^^please respond to the above, somebody^^^^, posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 17:05:24
Hello Sunny. That must have been a really difficult session. I really can understand that as I sometimes come out of my session feeling really battered and bruised inside, and have then also had doubts about my T's caring for me at all. I think therapy can feel a bit like marriage or other very close relationships. The feelings are so intense (on both sides, though they may be different) and when each word is so important and we are so sensitive to what is happening, it can hurt a lot. At other times, when things go well and we feel deeply understood, it can feel warm and wonderful. You seem to have had a good relationship with your T and developed trust between you. It's pretty certain that he challenged you so that you might get a different perspective on things and it could be quite helpful to tell him how this made you feel. What feels like a "bad" session can often lead to greater understanding between you the next time you meet.
I have often told my T that I love him and we have had some stormy times and always seem to come through. I'm sure you will too. With warmest wishes and thoughts.
Raindancer
Posted by 10derHeart on February 26, 2007, at 18:12:52
In reply to ^^^please respond to the above, somebody^^^^, posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 17:05:24
Well, sometimes I'm don't feel I'm much of anybody, but I guess I qualify as somebody, so I can respond (shaky self-esteem day)
> It hurts so much.
I know. That hurt is part of the therapy process when we are so attached. I have been feeling so similar to this lately - super-sensitive to anything different in a session that doesn't feel 1000% gentle. Does that sound right? I know this might not help one bit, but I try to think of it as the most righteous kind of suffering. Like pain that we can bear just a tiny, tiny bit better 'cause of the flip side of the caring we get from our T's and knowing it's for a good cause = our healing and feeling better
>>It just feels like it's all fake.
But you know it's not. Maybe you are a little raw, too close in time after the session? I believe from reading your threads that this T. is anything but fake and cares so much about you.
>> He said that it probably felt like he was mad at me because his voice wasn't as soft as it is sometimes.
Yup. Got that one. I can tear up and become even younger of a little girl in there if my T. even slightly uses those kinds of tones. Some days worse than others, but it always bothers me to some degree. Notice he said "felt like" - that's important, I think. He's telling you he absolutely wasn't mad. It's pretty great he recognizes that enough to comment on it, though? Sounds sensitive to what you're going through.
>> Well now I know it's all fake, he can just sound however he wants.
Maybe just because he can use a stronger, firm tone of voice doesn't mean anything about the other one, the soft one? Like when I love someone, and I get angry and speak louder, more harshly, that doesn't mean a thing about how much I love them after that. Just as much - zero change. Both strong emotions can exist in the same relationship and both are authentic and real.
I struggle with this stuff constantly, so I really hear you, sunny. My T. must constantly remind me he's not mad, that his tones might only be to change the topic, redirect things, or access the adult part, like you said. I don't really like it much, either. But I'm trying.
>> I thought it meant he really cared.
What? Using the soft voice? It did, it will and he does. I'm sure of it.
>> Now I know I was being stupid again. Why did I trust him? I thought he was so nice.
No way. It's never stupid to care, love and let someone in who cares about you. Getting spooked and having a session that doesn't leave you feeling as warm as you'd like is NOT stupid, just scary. His tone scared part(s) of you, didn't it? I know it would have scared me.
You can still trust him. He is nice. Think of all the evidence to show that you're shared with us here.
Maybe you can call him and say how upset the tone made you? I know calling is hard, but if it continues to feel bad, think about it. Don't I remember him being okay with phone calls before?
Hang in there. This will pass. Don't forget about our reliable friend, distraction. Anything to keep engaged so you don't have time to ruminate too much on this. Post some more, if it's helping.
((((sunny)))
Posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 18:17:07
In reply to Re: update » sunnydays, posted by gardenergirl on February 26, 2007, at 17:58:59
> Hi,
> I can see why you didn't feel like saying it after such a hard session. It must be a bit confusing to go from feeling that love to feeling out of sorts with him. I'm sure it will flow back again to love.**** I know it will. It's just anger is so so scary for me, so being angry with the person that I had been feeling closest to is even more scary. I'm so afraid that I did something horribly wrong.
It sounds like you're doing hard work in therapy. That sure can take a lot out of you, and heck you're right. Who wants to pay to feel worse, eh? I've told my clients early on in the process that they might leave feeling worse than when they came in, and that was "ok" if that happened in that it's part of the process. OF course feeling worse isn't supposed to linger on for days, usually.
***** Yeah. I've been doing therapy for two years now, so I've had plenty of times I've felt worse. But I just feel so hurt right now. I think I remember you're a T -- can you really adjust your voice so it sounds how you want it? And if you're less warm one day, does that mean that you're mad at the client or something?
>
> Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent, like I have all day.
>*** That's ok, I like tangents.
> Take care, sweetie. Hugs to you if that's safe.
*** Thanks gg.sunnydays
Posted by JoniS on February 26, 2007, at 18:17:26
In reply to ^^^please respond to the above, somebody^^^^, posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 17:05:24
> It hurts so much. It just feels like it's all fake. He said that it probably felt like he was mad at me because his voice wasn't as soft as it is sometimes. Well now I know it's all fake, he can just sound however he wants. I thought it meant he really cared. Now I know I was being stupid again. Why did I trust him? I thought he was so nice.
>
> sunnydaysSunnydays,
It's not all fake! You are hurting and understandably so, but he does care about you, it's obvious from your previous posts and how you've described some of your sessions. Your T is very strict about boundaries, and they aren't as wide as some of the other T's whose clients have posted here. You have to be honest about your progress and know that it has not been fake.
I will just tell you that even though my T has strict boundaries too, he wouldn't push me when I was already down. I think that is a little odd. It could indicate that he has feelings he's not comfortable discussing. Another thing to think about is that Ts are human too, and unfortunately, they can (and do) make mistakes even when we are fragile.
When I think back about the times that I didn't feel well connected with my T, I realize that often he was distracted with whatever was going on in his life. (not that he should get distracted, but he is human)
Please take care of yourself. Do something for YOU! Relaxing bath with candles and music - all by yourself, or read a good book or ... you know what you like.
God's comfort and blessings to you :)
JoniS
Posted by wishingstar on February 26, 2007, at 18:49:39
In reply to Re: ^^^please respond to the above, somebody^^^^, posted by JoniS on February 26, 2007, at 18:17:26
Hi sunny.. I'm a bit brain-fried right now so just a brief response..
Your experience today reminded me of what happened with me a few weeks ago with my T. I went in feeling pretty bad and really, really needing her to be warm and gentle and caring, as she usually is. Instead, she pushed pretty hard on a certain topic and I left feeling unheard and uncared for. Similar to how you're feeling, I think. We talked about it later though, and I'll tell you what she said, because I think it might be similar to whats happening with your T too. She said that she realized she'd started following her own agenda rather than mine that session and knew she was pushing, but she knew how badly I was hurting and she just felt like she had to do SOMETHING to fix it. She said she knew that was more her issue than mine, but she said she just hates it and she worries about me when I'm feeling that bad, and so she let her "fix it" mentality take over. Instead of fixing it though it just made me defend myself, pull away, and feel hurt.
I doubt your T changed his voice on purpose. I think he is probably genuinely worried and wants to help you, and just went about it in the wrong way. I imagine its difficult to be a T and sit back and watch week after week as people feel so terrible, so occasionally maybe they just forget that slow is better.
I dont think it means he doesnt care about you. But I do understand how it can feel scary and as if thats whats happening. If you can, try to bring it up at your next session. He may not even realize how he came off, but I think its important for him to know. Try and comfort yourself a little this evening. You havent lost him.
Posted by Dinah on February 26, 2007, at 19:40:41
In reply to Re: update, posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 18:17:07
I've had the same sort of experience. And oddly enough it was often after a therapy break. I'd accuse him of going to a seminar during his vacation and learning some new thing that he thought would help me but that WAS NOT HELPING.
I think *maybe* that they come off the break with a new resolve to help, or something like that. Didn't your therapist just have a vacation?
Although the same sort of thing happened just recently, when he was really concerned about me and was pushing me to do what he thought was best, or was angry with me for doing something he didn't think was good for me. So maybe he has some special reason to feel concerned?
I think that I react badly to that sort of thing. I'm not sure if that hurts me therapeutically, but I know he says I "bite", and to some extent he doesn't push me as much as he would if I didn't get angry. Sometimes maybe it would be good for me to be pushed more.
But still, it hurts going in expecting one thing and getting another. And it's worse because therapy is so one sided that we don't always know *why*.
It doesn't mean that he cares about you any less. Just that for some reason, he's expressing that caring differently.
(I'm not sure of the therapeutic value of this, but I'm hoping that he'll go back to "normal" soon so that you'll have the therapist you expect.)
And as always, it's good to talk about it with him, and you might gain an insight into what he's thinking.
Posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 20:28:08
In reply to Re: ^^^please respond to the above, somebody^^^^, posted by Raindancer on February 26, 2007, at 18:03:11
> Hello Sunny. That must have been a really difficult session. I really can understand that as I sometimes come out of my session feeling really battered and bruised inside, and have then also had doubts about my T's caring for me at all.
**** Bruised is just how I feel. I so wanted him to be gentle today, it was what got me out of bed (among other things... I'm really responsible so I've never actually not gotten out of bed). And to not have that hurt.
I think therapy can feel a bit like marriage or other very close relationships. The feelings are so intense (on both sides, though they may be different) and when each word is so important and we are so sensitive to what is happening, it can hurt a lot. At other times, when things go well and we feel deeply understood, it can feel warm and wonderful. You seem to have had a good relationship with your T and developed trust between you. It's pretty certain that he challenged you so that you might get a different perspective on things and it could be quite helpful to tell him how this made you feel.
**** I know. I already sent him one email, and I'll probably send him another tonight. He said that he was trying to get me to consider more the adult side of me. But it still hurts.
What feels like a "bad" session can often lead to greater understanding between you the next time you meet.
**** Yeah, it has once before. But it's so so hard. Thanks Raindancer.
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 20:37:17
In reply to Re: ^^^please respond to the above, somebody^^^^ » sunnydays, posted by 10derHeart on February 26, 2007, at 18:12:52
> Well, sometimes I'm don't feel I'm much of anybody, but I guess I qualify as somebody, so I can respond (shaky self-esteem day)
**** You're somebody. And much of anybody, too! I was so happy to see your post.
>
> > It hurts so much.
>
> I know. That hurt is part of the therapy process when we are so attached. I have been feeling so similar to this lately - super-sensitive to anything different in a session that doesn't feel 1000% gentle. Does that sound right?***** Exactly. I so wanted gentle, and I just couldn't get it. It felt like he was teasing me almost, although I know it wasn't his intention. Because when he said, "It might feel that way because my voice isn't as soft as sometimes", he said the word soft in that voice. It just felt like he could have given it to me but was purposely not.
I know this might not help one bit, but I try to think of it as the most righteous kind of suffering. Like pain that we can bear just a tiny, tiny bit better 'cause of the flip side of the caring we get from our T's and knowing it's for a good cause = our healing and feeling better
**** Yeah, that's a good way of thinking about it.
>
> >>It just feels like it's all fake.
>
> But you know it's not. Maybe you are a little raw, too close in time after the session? I believe from reading your threads that this T. is anything but fake and cares so much about you.
>**** Yeah, deep down I know he cares, but it's so hard to feel that right now.
> >> He said that it probably felt like he was mad at me because his voice wasn't as soft as it is sometimes.
>
> Yup. Got that one. I can tear up and become even younger of a little girl in there if my T. even slightly uses those kinds of tones. Some days worse than others, but it always bothers me to some degree.*** Yeah. I can actually talk so much more I think, when he uses that voice.
Notice he said "felt like" - that's important, I think. He's telling you he absolutely wasn't mad. It's pretty great he recognizes that enough to comment on it, though? Sounds sensitive to what you're going through.
***** Yeah. I guess. He did say, when I said, "It feels like you're mad at me," that he wasn't mad, and it was in that soft voice. So I heard it and I believe it to a degree.
>
> >> Well now I know it's all fake, he can just sound however he wants.
>
> Maybe just because he can use a stronger, firm tone of voice doesn't mean anything about the other one, the soft one? Like when I love someone, and I get angry and speak louder, more harshly, that doesn't mean a thing about how much I love them after that. Just as much - zero change. Both strong emotions can exist in the same relationship and both are authentic and real.**** I have a hard time with that. Just like with any other people. I have a hard time believing someone can be angry at me and still like me. Not that he's angry.
>
> I struggle with this stuff constantly, so I really hear you, sunny. My T. must constantly remind me he's not mad, that his tones might only be to change the topic, redirect things, or access the adult part, like you said. I don't really like it much, either. But I'm trying.**** Yeah, me too. It just feels like I can't try much harder sometimes, so it's hard when he pushes. Because how much more can I give?
>
> >> I thought it meant he really cared.
>
> What? Using the soft voice? It did, it will and he does. I'm sure of it.**** Thank you. Thank you.
>
> >> Now I know I was being stupid again. Why did I trust him? I thought he was so nice.
>
> No way. It's never stupid to care, love and let someone in who cares about you. Getting spooked and having a session that doesn't leave you feeling as warm as you'd like is NOT stupid, just scary. His tone scared part(s) of you, didn't it? I know it would have scared me.**** Yeah, it scared the little girl part of me a lot. I'm afraid he's going to leave.
>
> You can still trust him. He is nice. Think of all the evidence to show that you're shared with us here.**** Yeah. It's just hard to remember that now.
>
> Maybe you can call him and say how upset the tone made you? I know calling is hard, but if it continues to feel bad, think about it. Don't I remember him being okay with phone calls before?**** Yeah, I prefer email though, so I'll do that. I get too scared of bothering him if I call, although that's just my fears.
>
> Hang in there. This will pass. Don't forget about our reliable friend, distraction. Anything to keep engaged so you don't have time to ruminate too much on this. Post some more, if it's helping.**** Yeah, I've been watching sitcoms all night. That helped. But sometime soon (hopefully tomorrow morning) I have to be able to do work again for school.
sunnydays
Posted by frida on February 26, 2007, at 20:39:47
In reply to Re: ^^^please respond to the above, somebody^^^^ » Raindancer, posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 20:28:08
Hi..
I am sorry you are hurting..
I so understand how you feel..Whenever my T stops being warm and caring the way she usually is I panic and start feeling she doesn't care...It's a horrible feeling.
She has pushed me hard sometimes, when inside I feel like a little girl who wants love and comfort and not hard words...
but it doesn't mean the love and warmth go away...
it's out of caring too...
I know it's hard to feel it, but the times it has happened, I've talked it through with my T and she explained to me why she treated me in a certain way or pushed me hard and I understood it was because she truly cares and wanted me to react, even though it hurt.Your T doesn't stop caring....it's hard, and painful, when they push us hard and we need safe love but it doesn't mean they don't love us anymore.
Hard sessions are horrible, it will be ok, you will discuss this with him and he will make you feel safe again...
I know it hurts a lot, when it happens I lose all sense of safety...but it will be ok...
love,
Frida
Posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 20:40:37
In reply to Re: ^^^please respond to the above, somebody^^^^, posted by JoniS on February 26, 2007, at 18:17:26
> It's not all fake! You are hurting and understandably so, but he does care about you, it's obvious from your previous posts and how you've described some of your sessions.
*** Thanks, I know he does, deep down. It's just hard right now.
Your T is very strict about boundaries, and they aren't as wide as some of the other T's whose clients have posted here. You have to be honest about your progress and know that it has not been fake.
***** Umm... actually, I think he's pretty open. He lets me email him more than once a day if I need to and always replies at least a couple words to say he got it. And I can call. But yeah, I do know it's not fake. It's just hard right now.
>
> I will just tell you that even though my T has strict boundaries too, he wouldn't push me when I was already down. I think that is a little odd. It could indicate that he has feelings he's not comfortable discussing. Another thing to think about is that Ts are human too, and unfortunately, they can (and do) make mistakes even when we are fragile.***** I think he had valid therapeutic reasons. The problem is, I've been feeling bad for a long time, so I think he's trying to think of a different angle to go about working on some issues.
>
> When I think back about the times that I didn't feel well connected with my T, I realize that often he was distracted with whatever was going on in his life. (not that he should get distracted, but he is human)**** I doubt that's it, just because I saw him Friday as well, so unless something came up over the weekend. He was gentle on Friday.
>
> Please take care of yourself. Do something for YOU! Relaxing bath with candles and music - all by yourself, or read a good book or ... you know what you like.
>*** Thanks, I'll try.
Posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 20:44:35
In reply to Re: ^^^please respond to the above, somebody^^^^, posted by wishingstar on February 26, 2007, at 18:49:39
> Your experience today reminded me of what happened with me a few weeks ago with my T. I went in feeling pretty bad and really, really needing her to be warm and gentle and caring, as she usually is. Instead, she pushed pretty hard on a certain topic and I left feeling unheard and uncared for. Similar to how you're feeling, I think. We talked about it later though, and I'll tell you what she said, because I think it might be similar to whats happening with your T too. She said that she realized she'd started following her own agenda rather than mine that session and knew she was pushing, but she knew how badly I was hurting and she just felt like she had to do SOMETHING to fix it. She said she knew that was more her issue than mine, but she said she just hates it and she worries about me when I'm feeling that bad, and so she let her "fix it" mentality take over. Instead of fixing it though it just made me defend myself, pull away, and feel hurt.
>***** Yeah, I think he might have been trying to figure out another way to go about adressing some issues. And he thought that maybe talking softly let me connect to the little girl part too much. He was trying to get me to stay an adult.
> I doubt your T changed his voice on purpose. I think he is probably genuinely worried and wants to help you, and just went about it in the wrong way. I imagine its difficult to be a T and sit back and watch week after week as people feel so terrible, so occasionally maybe they just forget that slow is better.
**** Well, he did comment on it, so I feel like he could have changed his voice to being soft again if he wanted to. Because he said the word soft in that soft voice. But yeah, even though I was crying and he knew I thought he was mad at me, I don't think he quite realized how badly it was affecting me because I wasn't able to say much.
>
> I dont think it means he doesnt care about you. But I do understand how it can feel scary and as if thats whats happening. If you can, try to bring it up at your next session. He may not even realize how he came off, but I think its important for him to know. Try and comfort yourself a little this evening. You havent lost him.
***** Yeah, I'm sure it will come up, since I see him Wednesday. And I emailed him already, so it's in there too.sunnydays
Posted by Dinah on February 26, 2007, at 20:46:30
In reply to update, posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 14:31:36
My therapist would never say that about adult parts and young parts, or about any parts at all. He understands the implications of it.
But other therapists have said that sort of thing, and they didn't understand the implications. I didn't care about them, so I was able to walk away.
He means a lot to you. Maybe it's worth explaining the meaning to him of what he's asking. Maybe he just doesn't understand.
Posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 20:50:22
In reply to Re: update » sunnydays, posted by Dinah on February 26, 2007, at 19:40:41
> I've had the same sort of experience. And oddly enough it was often after a therapy break. I'd accuse him of going to a seminar during his vacation and learning some new thing that he thought would help me but that WAS NOT HELPING.
**** Yeah. His was totally a vacation, so I'm pretty sure that didn't happen, but I see your point.
>
> I think *maybe* that they come off the break with a new resolve to help, or something like that. Didn't your therapist just have a vacation?**** Yeah, but I've already seen him once (last Friday), so it wasn't the first session back. It's possible he was trying a new angle since we just started going to twice a week.
>
> Although the same sort of thing happened just recently, when he was really concerned about me and was pushing me to do what he thought was best, or was angry with me for doing something he didn't think was good for me. So maybe he has some special reason to feel concerned?**** I'm not sure. I'm feeling pretty bad, but it comes and goes and has been for a while now. I don't think anything in particular, but maybe he has a reason I can't think of.
>
> I think that I react badly to that sort of thing. I'm not sure if that hurts me therapeutically, but I know he says I "bite", and to some extent he doesn't push me as much as he would if I didn't get angry. Sometimes maybe it would be good for me to be pushed more.**** I don't get angry too much. He actually told me today, "It'd be ok if you got pissed off at me. It'd even be ok if you threw the Kleenex box at me. And there's not many people I'd say that to, but you'd be perfectly justified in throwing it at me." So I'm not quite sure what that was about. Maybe he realized he was pushing me really hard????
>
> But still, it hurts going in expecting one thing and getting another. And it's worse because therapy is so one sided that we don't always know *why*.**** Exactly. My email was full of, Why did you have to do that?
>
> It doesn't mean that he cares about you any less. Just that for some reason, he's expressing that caring differently.**** Yeah. It's just so hard to see it as caring.
>
> (I'm not sure of the therapeutic value of this, but I'm hoping that he'll go back to "normal" soon so that you'll have the therapist you expect.)
>***** Me too, although I'm kind of afraid I won't be able to trust that he means it for a while. This really shook me.
> And as always, it's good to talk about it with him, and you might gain an insight into what he's thinking.
**** Of course, of course. :) Thanks Dinah.
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 20:55:46
In reply to Re: ^^^please respond to the above, somebody^^^^, posted by frida on February 26, 2007, at 20:39:47
> Hi..
>
> I am sorry you are hurting..
> I so understand how you feel..
>
> Whenever my T stops being warm and caring the way she usually is I panic and start feeling she doesn't care...It's a horrible feeling.**** Yeah. I was so scared I actually felt dizzy in the session. (I forget to breathe sometimes).
> She has pushed me hard sometimes, when inside I feel like a little girl who wants love and comfort and not hard words...
**** yeah. My T said he was trying to get to the adult part of me, not the little girl part. But the little girl part was so strong.
> but it doesn't mean the love and warmth go away...
> it's out of caring too...
> I know it's hard to feel it, but the times it has happened, I've talked it through with my T and she explained to me why she treated me in a certain way or pushed me hard and I understood it was because she truly cares and wanted me to react, even though it hurt.*** Yeah, I kind of think he wanted to get me to be angry with him. See the post to Dinah (below, I guess).
>
> Your T doesn't stop caring....it's hard, and painful, when they push us hard and we need safe love but it doesn't mean they don't love us anymore.**** I hope you're right. I just want to be special, and I'm so scared that I won't be.
>
> Hard sessions are horrible, it will be ok, you will discuss this with him and he will make you feel safe again...
>**** Again, I hope so.
> I know it hurts a lot, when it happens I lose all sense of safety...but it will be ok...
>
> love,
> Frida
>**** Yeah, it feels like I've lost my one grounding in the world and am all alone again.
sunnydays
Posted by muffled on February 26, 2007, at 21:54:27
In reply to Re: update » Dinah, posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 20:50:22
Sunnydays, I hope I don't say a wrong thing, i keep saying wrong things.
But the best stuff in T sure seems to be the darn hardest :(
Sorry its so hard.
Mebbe you could practice looking at this whole thing from a logical adult point of view. Try to get yourself out of hurt kid if you can? I can't do it, but mebbe you can? I dunno how to do it. Its SO hard to be in hurting kid mode.
So if your kid is like my kid she proly don't beleive the adult you, but the adult you MUST remember that she IS in fact a kid. And you need to cut her some slack and try and talk to her and comfort her a little if you can. And be honest with her.
You can tell her its gonna be OK. T still loves us, he just trying to talk to someone else, and we goto share the time cuz sometimes big SD needs to talk to him. And it'll help make things better if she can. Be honest, simple kind and direct.
Dunno what else to say.
Proly this is stupid too.
Sorry if so.
Just when I feel my stuff, like emots and stuff, then sometimes I feel for everybody else, and I want so bad to help ALL babblers, and somehow I getting messed up.
Take care.
I like you.
Muffled
Posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 22:17:48
In reply to Re: update, posted by muffled on February 26, 2007, at 21:54:27
Thank you muffled. You're so sweet and so thoughtful. Unfortunately, I can't really do that right now, just because I feel completely stuck in little kid mode. If I could, I so would, especially because that's what my T wants me to do. He wants the adult part of me to figure out how to take care of the kid part of me. But I'm not there yet. Thank you so much for thinking of me. I know you're having a hard time too. I'm thinking of you.
sunnydays
Posted by Daisym on February 27, 2007, at 0:10:40
In reply to Re: update » muffled, posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 22:17:48
I've read through the thread and don't have a lot more to offer except that it totally s*cks that therapy isn't all about comfort and caring. It is HARD work and a good therapist will push here and pull there and then help you hold it all together.
It would help me respond better if I knew more about what he was pushing you on or for. (If you want to share.) I think you hit it when you noted that you've gone to twice a week now, so you (and he) have more opportunities to push into the hard stuff and still have time for containment and comfort.
And I think it has been said, but it is worth repeating. Your therapist cares about you, no matter what tone he is using. And just because he can choose different tones, doesn't make any of it fake. Can't you do that too? I think we all do it.
I'm glad you emailed him. I'm sure you'll feel better after you talk to him.
Posted by sunnydays on February 27, 2007, at 9:24:28
In reply to Re: update, posted by Daisym on February 27, 2007, at 0:10:40
Hi Daisy,
Thanks for responding. He was pushing me to have the adult part of me in the room instead of the little girl. He was doing much more problem solving, and I just wanted comfort.sunnydays
Posted by Daisym on February 27, 2007, at 10:09:45
In reply to Re: update » Daisym, posted by sunnydays on February 27, 2007, at 9:24:28
Can you tell me what that means to you? I know for me, if I come in and say something like, "I have too much work to do but I can't focus on it" my therapist will sometimes jump in with suggestions of "shutting stuff down" so that I can work, but I can then take that to mean he doesn't want to hear about the "bad stuff" either. Does that sound familiar? Intellectually I know he is helping me do what I need to do, but secretly I think I want him to say, "I totally understand why you can't focus. It is OK to ignore your work because you feel so bad." *sigh*
A major part of the work for me is allowing my adult self and my kid self to be in the room at the same time. I'm usually in one mode or another. My adult self gets mad at my therapist for "allowing" the kid parts at all. So it is really complicated. I am beginning to feel some sympathy and sadness for the hurt little girl, but mostly I want her (and her memories) to just go away. So my therapist has to balance the needs of all the parts, while making sure he doesn't treat me like a child, as much as I might feel like one. I need to nurture this part of me outside of sessions more -- but it is really hard.
Try to think about why having him address your adult side was so painful. It might help inform some of the next discussion.
I hope today is a better day.
Posted by sunnydays on March 6, 2007, at 21:34:34
In reply to Re: update, posted by Daisym on February 27, 2007, at 10:09:45
Hi all,
In case anyone cares, last session, I told him. We had been talking about something else, and then there was a while where I was just thinking and I think he was just thinking, and then I just looked out the window for a moment and said, "I think I love you."
His first response was just to say, "Wow" in this really warm, kind of surprised voice. And then after a few more moments he said, in just the warmest voice, that he was really proud of me for saying that. That it said a lot about me to be able to say that, and how far I had come. That it was a little about him, but mostly about me and that he was really proud of me for having worked so hard to get to the point where I felt safe enough to say that to him. Then he asked how it felt to say that to someone and really mean it, and we talked for a while.
The conversation went off on a little bit of a tangent, although still related, and at a moment that made sense he said, "I have loving feelings for you too, sunnydays. They're not sexual at all, more protective or fatherly or brotherly. But that's not because I don't think you're pretty or anything, I think all that too, but I feel like I have to explain this a little. I wasn't going to tell you until a just a few moments ago, because I didn't want it to mess up anything between us, or for anything weird to happen. But then I decided that wasn't how we had been with each other up until now and it really wasn't fair for me to withhold that." And then there was a few moments of silence, and he asked how it felt to hear him say that, and I said I kind of already knew it, so it didn't surprise me. And he wanted to know if it was better to hear it, and it definitely was.
And then we were talking about something else, and he said he's always believed that someone you have loving feelings for becomes a part of your soul or spirit and helps make you better. And that I've made him better, and he thanked me!
And you know, I think he handled it better than I ever would have imagined. It felt totally comfortable, and I feel like I could tell him just about anything now. And it's not inappropriate at all - he's extroardinarily ethical.
But it was so nice.
sunnydays
Posted by Dinah on March 6, 2007, at 21:44:54
In reply to I told him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, posted by sunnydays on March 6, 2007, at 21:34:34
I don't think I've ever heard a nicer, and completely appropriate, response.
I'm very glad for you, and I'm very impressed by both of you.
Posted by sunnydays on March 6, 2007, at 21:58:28
In reply to That's wonderful! » sunnydays, posted by Dinah on March 6, 2007, at 21:44:54
Thanks Dinah!! I was completely surprised, and it was so nice to hear that. And I thought it was kind of cute that he felt like he had to explain it so much (he actually said more than I wrote to try to explain, but I don't remember it all). He was just so concerned not to say the wrong thing and hurt me or mess anything up in our relationship.
sunnydays
Posted by littleone on March 6, 2007, at 22:57:28
In reply to I told him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, posted by sunnydays on March 6, 2007, at 21:34:34
How wonderful! It brought warm and fuzzy smiles to me. It sounds like such a precious session. I hope you can hold on to it as long as possible. He sounds like such a good T. His caring really comes through in your posts and he said everything just right. I'm glad you have such a special T sunnydays. You deserve him :)
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 6, 2007, at 23:21:11
In reply to I told him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, posted by sunnydays on March 6, 2007, at 21:34:34
Posted by JoniS on March 7, 2007, at 8:00:47
In reply to I told him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, posted by sunnydays on March 6, 2007, at 21:34:34
Wow! I am holding back tears. I've got to go and be around people so I don't want to get all snotty nosed. It is very emotionally stirring to me because I know that I love my T and I have not been able to say those words. I know that he would have a similar caring ethical response as your T (but I'm also sure that he wouldn't tell me he has loving feelings for me) I'm trying to figure out how to get these intense feelings to stop, because I think of him every day and miss him and I don't want to keep this up. It's not that I want any relationship beyond this ethical counseling relationship, I just want to know that he cares about me, that I'm not number 129 on his counseling roll.
I am so happy for you to have had such a tender and special session.
Thanks for sharing!
Joni
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