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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by wishingstar on February 7, 2007, at 22:28:20
In reply to Re: coping *SI trigger* » wishingstar, posted by muffled on February 7, 2007, at 22:09:27
Thank you muffled. That helped a lot. Thank you for understanding.
I know it's not a GOOD coping mechainism, but it is a coping mechanism. And I feel exactly like you said... it's the lesser of the evils right now. I'm just trying everything I know. I dont know what else to do.
I never have been particularly dangerous with it, so thats a plus I guess. Really no danger of hurting myself permanently.
I'm afraid I've disappointed my T. But it's okay. I know she understands and she knows I'm trying. But still.... eh.
By the way, very happy to hear you're not cutting as much anymore! Thats awesome. Keep it up.
Posted by wishingstar on February 7, 2007, at 22:32:27
In reply to Re: coping *SI trigger*, posted by widget on February 7, 2007, at 20:55:38
I'm glad the explanation helped some. Of course its different for each person, but I think what I said might be pretty common.
You sound like a great parent. Your daughter is lucky to have you on her side. I didnt at all feel like you were trying to minimize my pain though - I'm sorry if I implied that I thought that. Not at all. I just appreciate you understanding and caring.
Trying my best to hang on. Thank you.
Posted by wishingstar on February 8, 2007, at 14:56:30
In reply to Re: coping *SI trigger* » widget, posted by wishingstar on February 7, 2007, at 22:32:27
Screw the job.
I cant wait another three weeks just to get started on a new med. (Im on nothing now).
I'm just not okay.
Ill post and let you know before I go if I do decide to go back. I hated it there, but nothing could be worse than this right now.
Posted by muffled on February 8, 2007, at 21:55:22
In reply to considering going back to inpatient, posted by wishingstar on February 8, 2007, at 14:56:30
Did you talk to T?
Take care.
Muffled
Posted by wishingstar on February 8, 2007, at 22:04:49
In reply to (((((((((((((wishy)))))))))))))))))) » wishingstar, posted by muffled on February 8, 2007, at 21:55:22
Thank you for noticing me muffy. I feel so invisible lately... youre so sweet.
I saw my T today. It was ok, but not terribly productive. I dont think she really got how bad I was feeling.. I wasnt very clear about it.
I called her around 5 (my appt was at 2) and told her I was thinking about going back to the hospital but she didnt have to call me back, I just wanted her to know. She called me back anyway about 30 min later and asked what was going on, etc etc.. asked me to promise I'd be safe and I said I couldnt but I thought I'd be okay. I think she trusts me though. She said I should go if I think I need to and worry about the job later, but it starts on Mon and I dont want to miss the training. She said shes going to call to check on me tomorrow morning sometime before lunch, and just had me say I'd be safe until at least then. So thats what Im doing. Waiting to talk to her tomorrow.
She gave me an appt today for next Thurs, during my training week, at 4pm. My training ends at 4. She said it was ok if I was late, a short session is better than nothing. Otherwise I wanst going to get to see her at all. So I guess thats good. Her office is only about 10 min from my work.
She feels very safe to me. I know she cares about me. She said today that I'm a challenge for her because I'm in a different place than most of her other clients, but she knows that theres something much better out there for me (in life). She said she was fascinated by what i was talking about last session. Maybe it's weird, but thats a neat feeling.
I'm not sure what I'm doing to do. Right now I'm feeling a little better than earlier. But today I was feeling very unsafe. Very very unsafe. I just dont know what to do.
{{{muffy}}} youre the best.
Posted by Gee on February 8, 2007, at 23:17:52
In reply to Re: (((((((((((((wishy)))))))))))))))))) » muffled, posted by wishingstar on February 8, 2007, at 22:04:49
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, but it sounds like you've got a great t who cares about you a lot. You are very lucky in that regard. Good luck with the job, and all the tough disciions
Posted by wishingstar on February 8, 2007, at 23:22:39
In reply to Re: (((((((((((((wishy)))))))))))))))))) » wishingstar, posted by Gee on February 8, 2007, at 23:17:52
thanks gee. yes, I think my T is wonderful. i wouldnt trade her for anything right now.
thank you.
Posted by ElaineM on February 8, 2007, at 23:42:08
In reply to Re: (((((((((((((wishy)))))))))))))))))) » Gee, posted by wishingstar on February 8, 2007, at 23:22:39
No good words, but I care about you too. Glad Ginny's gonna check in with you. I just want you to do what would be least harmful to you. If that means having to go back to inpatient, even though you hated the last time, then I'm sure you'll be doing what you need to do to stay safe. That's the bottom line after all right. I'm sorry things are so bad right now. Wish I had more to give. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Let us know K?
(((((WS)))))
blove El
Posted by caraher on February 9, 2007, at 6:45:16
In reply to Re: (((((((((((((wishy)))))))))))))))))), posted by ElaineM on February 8, 2007, at 23:42:08
hope you're doing better... Most of all, I hope you do what you need to do to feel better. And you'll never feel better if you can't keep yourself safe. But you will feel better someday, I'm sure of it.
Also... I want to say how I love the way muffled calls you "wishy." (((muffled))) (((wishy)))
Posted by wishingstar on February 9, 2007, at 8:50:49
In reply to Re: (((((((((((((wishy)))))))))))))))))), posted by ElaineM on February 8, 2007, at 23:42:08
Thanks Elaine. That does help, just knowing people are around I guess. Just so you know, I've been thinking about you a lot lately too. I hope you're doing okay too.
Posted by wishingstar on February 9, 2007, at 8:52:56
In reply to Re: (((((((((((((wishy)))))))))))))))))))), posted by caraher on February 9, 2007, at 6:45:16
> hope you're doing better... Most of all, I hope you do what you need to do to feel better. And you'll never feel better if you can't keep yourself safe. But you will feel better someday, I'm sure of it.
>**If only I knew what that was... :) (thats a pretty twisted smiley, I guess). But yes, I'm trying. More than anything I do want to feel better, not die, but they get mixed up a lot.
> Also... I want to say how I love the way muffled calls you "wishy." (((muffled))) (((wishy)))
**Me too. :)
Posted by wishingstar on February 9, 2007, at 11:53:12
In reply to Re: (((((((((((((wishy)))))))))))))))))))) » caraher, posted by wishingstar on February 9, 2007, at 8:52:56
She called a few minutes ago. She told me she'd call before lunch, and when it hit 12:30 I was starting to panic.. what if she forgot? But obviously she didnt.
We only talked for maybe three or four minutes.. asked how I was, was I safe, what my plans were for the weekend. She asked if I wanted her to call over the weekend to check in and of course I wanted to say yes, but I said it was up to her.. I just dont know how I'll be feeling. So she said she'll check her messages around noon on Sat and Sun and to leave her a message if I want her to call me. I probably wont because what can she possibly say? But it's a nice thing to have there.. a safety net I guess. She also told me to call her on Mon after work regardless of whether I think I "need her" or not to let her know how I am and how work went.
On one level its very obvious to me that she cares and wants to be there. She wouldnt say all those things otherwise. But on another, I feel like I'm being a huge annoyance and burden for her. Every once in awhile I get this certain tone in her voice... the first time I SIed after being safe for a long time, for instance.. and I got the same tone last night and this morning. I guess its probably just concern or something, but it makes me feel like shes frustrated or bothered or doing something she doesnt want to do. It feels punishing. I guess she wouldnt offer to call if she really didnt want to, but who knows. I KNOW thats a feeling on my end, nothing shes trying to do.. but it makes me want to hide it when I feel really bad or do something dumb (SI). I dont want to get that tone.
She encouraged me to call my pdoc and try to get in earlier. I did but it didnt work. They offered me an appt next week, on Monday, but of course!! Of course this STUPID job is screwing it all up and I had to turn it down. The doctor is covering the hospital the next week, and then the week after that (the 28th) is my appt anyway. So there's no getting in any earlier. Great.
I dont know what else to say.
Posted by caraher on February 9, 2007, at 13:17:29
In reply to my T called, posted by wishingstar on February 9, 2007, at 11:53:12
>She asked if I wanted her to call over the weekend to check in and of course I wanted to say yes, but I said it was up to her..GRRR... just say, "Yes, please, thanks for offering." It's just that simple...
I know you know this... don't be so evil to yourself, denying yourself what you want when it's being handed to you!
>>>> I just dont know how I'll be feeling. So she said she'll check her messages around noon on Sat and Sun and to leave her a message if I want her to call me. I probably wont because what can she possibly say?
What can I possibly say? What can anyone possibly say? It doesn't matter that she has no "magic words." Could you please leave her a message to call? Everyone else will feel better even if you're sure you won't; and surely you won't feel worse!
> On one level its very obvious to me that she cares and wants to be there. She wouldnt say all those things otherwise. But on another, I feel like I'm being a huge annoyance and burden for her.
If it's THAT annoying to her, she needs to find another line of work! You're not a burden at all...
>>> I KNOW thats a feeling on my end, nothing shes trying to do.. but it makes me want to hide it when I feel really bad or do something dumb (SI). I dont want to get that tone.
For all you know she has indigestion...
Thanks for updating us. Please accept Ginny's help when she offers it, and stop deciding for her whether she wants to help you. Isn't that awfully patronizing, in a way, for you to decide, in effect, that she really doesn't want to do what she offers to do?
(((wishy)))
Posted by widget on February 9, 2007, at 13:49:38
In reply to Re: my T called, posted by caraher on February 9, 2007, at 13:17:29
I agree, the last part especially is really good advice. Of course, I have the same trouble she has accepting help, so do a I say.....
Posted by wishingstar on February 9, 2007, at 19:32:27
In reply to Re: my T called, posted by caraher on February 9, 2007, at 13:17:29
>
> GRRR... just say, "Yes, please, thanks for offering." It's just that simple...
>I know... if it were a friend, I would have said yes. But when its my T, shes going outside above her real responsibilities by calling me on the weekend and unless I think I'll be likely to have something to say, I just hate to ask her to do it. I know it's okay to call just because I'm feeling bad too, but I already know what she'd say/suggest so it seems silly to ask her to call just to tell me what I already know.
> I know you know this... don't be so evil to yourself, denying yourself what you want when it's being handed to you!
>Hey, I've heard that phrase before... :) Good point. That's exactly what shed say probably.
>
> What can I possibly say? What can anyone possibly say? It doesn't matter that she has no "magic words." Could you please leave her a message to call? Everyone else will feel better even if you're sure you won't; and surely you won't feel worse!
>I know, but you and others are friends... and I'd do the same for you. But she isnt my friend, and I'm not paying her for that time. Its infringing on her personal life and that's okay to an extent (crisis, etc) but I dont want to ask for it when I dont really need it. Sure, it'd be NICE.. but it'd be nice if she called me every day just to check in too. But that doensnt mean it will/should happen.
>
> For all you know she has indigestion...
>lol you never know.
> Thanks for updating us. Please accept Ginny's help when she offers it, and stop deciding for her whether she wants to help you. Isn't that awfully patronizing, in a way, for you to decide, in effect, that she really doesn't want to do what she offers to do?
>
> (((wishy)))thanks for your response. And again, good point. I know that if she offers, its okay to take it. I guess I dont think of it as patrionizing, but rather maybe me trying to be extra (and yes, overly) considerate, and not taking the best care of myself in the process.
I'm going to see how I'm feeling Sat/Sun and if I do need her and feel like I have something to actually say, I will call. Really.
Posted by caraher on February 9, 2007, at 19:48:33
In reply to Re: my T called » caraher, posted by wishingstar on February 9, 2007, at 19:32:27
> But when its my T, shes going outside above her real responsibilities by calling me on the weekend and unless I think I'll be likely to have something to say, I just hate to ask her to do it.
Rubbish, and you know it. When you take a job like that, you EXPECT clients to have bad times. Being a professional means you don't just "punch out" after 8 hours five days a week. This IS part of her job!
Posted by wishingstar on February 10, 2007, at 22:52:27
In reply to Re: my T called, posted by caraher on February 9, 2007, at 19:48:33
Posted by muffled on February 11, 2007, at 12:57:35
In reply to mmmm seroquel :) (nm), posted by wishingstar on February 10, 2007, at 22:52:27
Ya seroquels good stuff.
Good idea. Chills out my emot up and downs when i get crazy.
Ya I got same prob when I wqant to call T....what could we say??? The times I have done it, she just reassures me and tells me stuff I already know....but it makes me feel less alone...
So please give it a try if you need to.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by wishingstar on February 11, 2007, at 15:52:55
In reply to Re: mmmm seroquel :) » wishingstar, posted by muffled on February 11, 2007, at 12:57:35
It did a great job of knocking me into happy oblivion. Thats what I was hoping for. I dont take it regularly, but have it from when I was in the partial program the first time and was so anxious about that.
I didnt end up calling her this morning. I should have and I'm sure when she hears about my weekend, she'll smack me upside the head for not calling (not literally of course). I see her Thurs. Tomorrow is my first day of work though and she told me to leave her a message after work with how it went/how I'm doing even if I didnt call over the weekend, so I'll do that. Maybe I'll ask her to call me back if necessary. We'll see.
Posted by muffled on February 11, 2007, at 17:27:49
In reply to Re: mmmm seroquel :) » muffled, posted by wishingstar on February 11, 2007, at 15:52:55
How much seroquel you take?
I take only 12.5 for a week at a time if I need too.
As long as I take it B4 6 pm, I usu OK next day, and it really helps chill me w/o weirding me out or making me weird.
Mebbe you could take small dose over next week or two?
Just to get you thru?
Maybe don't work the samr for you though....
I find when I REALLY feel like I need T, and I want to phone and stuff, that lotsa time it eventually passes. Other day I just sat on bed and rocked for 2 hrs, and struggled like hell thry the rest of my day, but next day was much better...and I did it w/o T. I dunno exaactly what she coulda said had I called, cept to reassure me that I not going nuts or something.
Yup, I made it thru that one.
I think you can too wishy. You made it this far!
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by wishingstar on February 11, 2007, at 18:11:29
In reply to Re: mmmm seroquel :), posted by muffled on February 11, 2007, at 17:27:49
I took 25mg last night. To be honest, it was as much of an attempt to just drug myself into a happier daze as it was a test to see how I'd react (make sure I didnt get violently ill, who knows) in case I ever wanted to overdose on it later. I'm not saying I'm doing to OD on it. But knowing its there is a safety blanket I guess. But I had to see how I'd react to it before it felt "safe" in that sense. Before it felt comforting to have. I know that probably doesnt make sense.
I start my job tomorrow so I'm hoping keeping busy with that will help. I think it will. At least I'll be too busy to obsess over things. Looking forward to seeing Ginny on Thurs. It's not that long.. I'll make it. I can feel her there, and I know she cares, so I can make it. She was checking her messages twice a day this weekend to see if I called. I guess she probably does that every weekend anyway, but its still nice knowing shes thinking of me. She told me about 2 weeks ago that she knows I dont have any hope right now so shes going to hold on to it for me. So I'm trying to hold on to her and trust her with that.
Posted by wishingstar on February 11, 2007, at 21:59:10
In reply to Re: mmmm seroquel :) » muffled, posted by wishingstar on February 11, 2007, at 18:11:29
Oh well. I gave in and called her. Of course she wont call back tonight (its 11pm here) but hopefully tomorrow. I'm a mess. Barely functioning. Feeling very scattered. I hate this job. I just want to stay in bed and cry and I dont know what else. I cant keep doing this. The good in my life would be GLADLY traded to get rid of these bad feelings. I just cant. I cant do it.
Ginny will call tomorrow and will say.. go out with friends.. distract yourself.. journal.. be kind to yourself.. but why? It only puts off the inevitable. Which is feeling like this.
At what point did I switch over from a stupid teen looking for some attention to THIS? I never wanted to be this.
I need help but there is no help to give.
Posted by sunnydays on February 11, 2007, at 22:13:15
In reply to called my T, posted by wishingstar on February 11, 2007, at 21:59:10
((((((((((wishingstar)))))))))))
I wish I could give you a big giant IRL hug and hold you and tell you everything would be alright. It will be eventually, you just can't see it right now. I'm so proud of you for calling your T. She sounds like she really cares about you. That's good, because you're definitely someone worth caring about. I'm glad you have at least some IRL support. Good luck tomorrow. Do you think any of how you're feeling tonight may be nerves? A new job can be really frightening by itself, let alone with depression. You'll be ok. You'll do it. I'm proud of you.
sunnydays
Posted by muffled on February 11, 2007, at 22:45:43
In reply to Re: mmmm seroquel :) » muffled, posted by wishingstar on February 11, 2007, at 18:11:29
> I took 25mg last night. To be honest, it was as much of an attempt to just drug myself into a happier daze as it was a test to see how I'd react (make sure I didnt get violently ill, who knows) in case I ever wanted to overdose on it later. I'm not saying I'm doing to OD on it. But knowing its there is a safety blanket I guess. But I had to see how I'd react to it before it felt "safe" in that sense. Before it felt comforting to have. I know that probably doesnt make sense.
Nope doesn't make any sense and I completely understand what you are saying.
>
> I start my job tomorrow so I'm hoping keeping busy with that will help. I think it will. At least I'll be too busy to obsess over things. Looking forward to seeing Ginny on Thurs. It's not that long.. I'll make it. I can feel her there, and I know she cares, so I can make it. She was checking her messages twice a day this weekend to see if I called. I guess she probably does that every weekend anyway, but its still nice knowing shes thinking of me. She told me about 2 weeks ago that she knows I dont have any hope right now so shes going to hold on to it for me. So I'm trying to hold on to her and trust her with that.I think, if you can just get past this first couple of weeks you will be OK.
I think it will be hard, but I think it is possible. I think you have put all your resources at hand to help yourself.
If you could tell those you work with that you are nervous, that would likely be OK.
This week is training so I think it could be interesting for you. It could be quite interesting indeed.
So mebbe get some klonopin or something, or do the seroquel as well, to get you thru this patch.
Its VERY hard for you I know. You haven't done this, you got no faith in yourownself. But I got faith in you. I've read how honest you can be, I've read how much caring you have in your heart. The people that interviewed you no doubt picked up on your special qualities that you will bring to this job.
Maybe this isn't the time, maybe it is. I wish you best of luck either way.
Take care,
I rooting for you OK?
(((wishy)))
You freakin, but it'll be OK.
This WILL pass.
Muffled
Posted by wishingstar on February 13, 2007, at 18:51:38
In reply to Re: mmmm seroquel :) » wishingstar, posted by muffled on February 11, 2007, at 22:45:43
Im a big idiot.. sorry for posting this on the wrong thread before.
Well, Ginny called me Monday evening. I appreciate so much that she is reliable with that.
I guess it helped, I dont know. It was odd because it was a very friendly conversation, almost like talking to a friend. We didnt talk that much about how I was feeling... mostly just the new job and those things. She was proud of me for going and that was nice.
Not sure if I posted this here or not but she offered me an appt on Thurs at 4pm. I get off work at 4 in theory but I have this training all day and I talked to the man today, and he thinks we wont get out until 4:30 or so. She knew I might be a bit late, but if I dont leave work until 4:30, I'd only be at her office for like 10 minutes. Not really worth even going and paying for. So tomorrow I'm going to call her and say I cant do it. Damn it. So I'll just go next Wed for my next appt. Also tried to get in earlier with my pdoc but no success (my appt is the 28th, but I havent been on any meds for 6 weeks already).
The job is going well. I find myself not wanting to go home because I feel pretty decent while I'm there laughing with everyone, but I crash when I get home. I'm hurting a whole lot right now. I dont really know what else to say about that. Just hurting.
This is the end of the thread.
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