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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by wishingstar on February 7, 2007, at 12:51:14
In reply to Re: Struggling with getting appts » wishingstar, posted by Daisym on February 7, 2007, at 12:19:14
> Try to remind yourself that you are going to therapy to get the life you want...including this job! I agree about phone sessions, and she may be able to do those after hours or on your lunch. I would sit in my car if I had to.
>True. Right now I want absolutely nothing to do with any job, or leaving my house for that matter. But I do see your point. It's something I have to do eventually and it's good for me.
> I suspect being busy on the new job will take up a lot of space and you will be anxious but OK - you can do this! And Babble never closes and you don't need an appointment.
>I hope. I'm not feeling terribly anxious about it.. some nerves that I think are normal with a new job (and with the fact that theyre going to stick me with a needle Monday... ugh). But not overly anxious. Just sad.
> It is frustrating when life gets in the way of our therapeutic work. Good Luck on the new job.
True. Thank you.
Posted by bent on February 7, 2007, at 15:21:24
In reply to Struggling with getting appts, posted by wishingstar on February 7, 2007, at 10:51:45
I just wanted to tell you I am so glad you took the new job and didnt let your worry about therapy appointments stop you. I am sure that must have been a tough decision. I tend to steer clear of anything that may disrupt my therapy, even at the cost of my own growth. Which is bad I know (therapy is to help us grow right!?).
It says a lot about your strength that you went with the job even though it might shift your therapy around for a while. You will get through. These types of transitions can be rough but know it will calm down and you can get back on a regular schedule soon.
Posted by wishingstar on February 7, 2007, at 16:53:48
In reply to Re: Struggling with getting appts » wishingstar, posted by bent on February 7, 2007, at 15:21:24
Thanks bent.. I think I'm the same as you in that I generally avoid things that disrupt my ability to go to therapy, even if it isnt the healthiest. I truly dont believe Im ready to be working yet... my depression is just not nearly under control enough... but in order to pay my bills, I just dont have a choice. If I did, I would have made a different one for now.
I know it will calm down soon enough. It's just so hard. Thanks for understanding.
Posted by wishingstar on February 7, 2007, at 18:14:33
In reply to Re: Struggling with getting appts » bent, posted by wishingstar on February 7, 2007, at 16:53:48
I know people probably wont agree with this... I'm going to tell Ginny tomorrow and I'm sure she wont either... but...
I've decided to give myself permission to SI for the next week or two. Not solely because I wont be going to therapy, although that's part of it. I have too much going on, not enough support, too much stress, too much pain, and I just cant handle it all at once while trying to start a new job. I cant. So at least while Ginny isnt around, I'm giving myself permission. It seems like the better of several options right now.
Its been about two months but I broke down tonight after a major sewing-machine related frustration and cut myself. Without using unnecessary details, I'll just say I didnt do it the way I usually would, and this "new" way seems to be less damaging... so I guess thats a positive, if there is anything positive at all about it at all.
Posted by wishingstar on February 7, 2007, at 18:42:39
In reply to coping *SI trigger*, posted by wishingstar on February 7, 2007, at 18:14:33
Oh my god. I cant believe what I just did.
Meant to send an email to a fellow babbler (regular email, not babblemail) about the cutting thing tonight. Hit reply to an email he'd sent me, wrote my thing, and hit send. Then realized I didnt send it to him at all. I'd hit the wrong email.
I sent it to the director of the preschool I've worked at for the past 4 summers. He'd emailed me to ask if I'd be coming back this year to work and I hit respond to that email accidentally.
I'd written that I'd cut and how it only bled a little, but it hurt, and blah blah, and it was very obvious what I was talking about.
I emailed him again after and said please disregard that email, it wasnt intended for him, things are ok and taken care of, etc etc... but oh my god. He didnt even know I had depression (I used to lie about where I was going when I went to therapy during the work day). I DEFINITELY didnt want him knowing this.
I guess its good that I'm not going back to camp this summer anyway, so I wont be there. But I didnt want him to know. They liked me there and thought I was very competent, together, whatever. He wasnt supposed to know this. I dont think he's the kind of person who would spread lots of stories or say I'm crazy, but still.
I cant believe I did this.
Posted by widget on February 7, 2007, at 19:07:58
In reply to oh no... oh no. panic, posted by wishingstar on February 7, 2007, at 18:42:39
Sometimes, people can really surprise you. It's ok to be depressed. It just as if you had diabetes and had to take insulin. Admittedly, this country has a way to go understanding mental health issue. But, maybe, he'll just see you as more human. I really understand your embarrassment but, now that it's done, maybe it will be for the best. Remember, we can't control what others think anyway. And, also, Bill Clinton got a lot more popular after he shared his less than perfect past. He's beloved! Take care of yourself; please don't hurt yourself over this because you are worth so much more.
Posted by widget on February 7, 2007, at 19:10:37
In reply to coping *SI trigger*, posted by wishingstar on February 7, 2007, at 18:14:33
Please tell me what SI is? Thanks.
Posted by wishingstar on February 7, 2007, at 19:14:55
In reply to Re: coping *SI trigger*, posted by widget on February 7, 2007, at 19:10:37
SI stands for self-injury. For me, it's cutting. I guess it just feels like a nicer way to say it.
I read your other post too. I know you're right.. it may surprise me. But more than likely I'll never see this guy again anyway, since I wont be going back to work there, which is good in a way.. but it also means it could color his judgment of me and I have no chance to make it up or remind him of who I really am aside from that (I havent seen him since last summer).
Ugghhhh..
Posted by widget on February 7, 2007, at 19:23:19
In reply to Re: coping *SI trigger* » widget, posted by wishingstar on February 7, 2007, at 19:14:55
Wishing star, how does it help to cut yourself? I understand that it's probably feels like either do it or go crazy but I don't understand. I know you are under incredible pressure. Ease it by telling your therapist you MUST have some communication with her. If it's too hard to say, write it down. Tell her the alternative is cutting. I know she will somehow find a way to adapt her schedule for at least a phone call! I really feel for you. My daughter used to cut herself and I was so very helpless. I realize it kept her going but I see you therapist as another option. Although she had a therapist, she hadn't bonded with her and only went because we insisted she go. But, you sound like you are close to your therapist and that is her job. Please at least consider it. My daughter is a wonderful person whom I couldn't love more. So, I am "transferring" those feelings to you. Although I don't understand why you feel this need, I certainly don't judge it. You are in my heart.
Posted by wishingstar on February 7, 2007, at 19:41:49
In reply to Re: coping *SI trigger*, posted by widget on February 7, 2007, at 19:23:19
Thank you widget. I really appreciate your caring and wanting to understand. Sometimes people just think I'm crazy when they dont get it...
big possible trigger here....
I'll try my best to explain to you why I do it.. but I'm not sure I totally know myself. It's only a sporadic thing for me these days, but I guess it's just a release when things get so wound up, so intense, that I just feel like I'm going to explode. And sometimes that can be an intense, intense depression, so when I say explode I dont always mean an anxiety reaction or anything like that. But it's like a feeling that if I dont do something, I just cant go on, and thats the only thing I have left in that moment. It helps focus me. It's like my world is spinning out of control and then when I cut, it all stops.
I called a few minutes ago and left a voicemail on my therapists machine telling her I'd cut. She tells me its okay to call and tell her if theres something I need her to know that I'm afraid I'll have trouble saying in session, so thats why I did it. I dont want to say "if i cant see you, I'll cut" because that feels manipulative to me, but I will be honest with her about my fears. She has done a lot in the past to accommodate me (seeing me on days she isnt seeing clients, etc) and this one is all my fault, so if she cant reschedule, she cant reschedule. I'll survive. Cutting, to me, just isnt the end of the world. I guess I should take it more seriously, but it feels "okay" in some way right now.
I'm glad that you are supporting your daughter in all of this. It's hard and having supportive family can make a huge difference. That's something I've definitely never had. Thank you for caring, about her and about me.
Posted by pegasus on February 7, 2007, at 19:47:39
In reply to oh no... oh no. panic, posted by wishingstar on February 7, 2007, at 18:42:39
Hi wishingstar,
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about your unfortunate mistake. I've done that type of thing before, and I know how awful you must feel. But I think you did absolutely the best thing that you could have done afterward. It was *really* good to email him and let him know you were ok, and that you didn't intend to send that to him. If he's a decent person - and it sounds like he is - he's going to probably just feel really bad for you and want to be supportive.
I don't know if this will help you feel any better, but here's a slightly similar true story: A grad student (who will remain nameless here wink wink) was once asked to answer several questions as part of a tenure review for her advisor. These questions were sent to the whole institute, in case anyone had any objections to the advisor being given tenure. The grad student had had a lot of difficulties with the advisor, and wrote about them quite frankly and at great length in her response. Which she accidentally sent to the entire institute! Oops! The story ends with the student actually managing to graduate anyway, but it was a tough row to hoe there for a while.
I'm sending you lots of gentle, supportive energy tonight, to help you through this and everything else you've been dealing with. Please try really hard to stay safe. I'm always glad to see you here, and you're important to me and other babblers, even if I don't post often.
peg
Posted by widget on February 7, 2007, at 20:55:38
In reply to Re: coping *SI trigger* » widget, posted by wishingstar on February 7, 2007, at 19:41:49
Dear wishingstar, Thank you for your eloquent explanation. That is sort of what I thought it would be like but never knew. I do know that when my daughter did this it was to alleviate a greater pain. And, I would do anything to have not had her had the pain. But, since things are as they are, I am SO glad you called your therapist. I didn't mean you should put it to your therapist as "you see me or I cut." That does sound manipulative and you are very wise to see that and brave to not indulge in it. The important thing is that she knows about your cutting. Hopefully, that will be enough for her to reach out to you. Hey, that's their job! Thanks for what you said about my daughter; I truly hope that is in the past for her but, regardless, there is nothing she could do that would make me love her any less. She is still the same beautiful person as you also seem to be although I realize I don't know you as well (a little joke). I don't mean in any way to minimalize your pain and lack of family support. Life can be difficult but there are the good parts, too. Hang on.
Posted by muffled on February 7, 2007, at 22:09:27
In reply to coping *SI trigger*, posted by wishingstar on February 7, 2007, at 18:14:33
Well I have not been cutting much lately.
I think it has its place as a coping mechanism, so longs your careful and it don't get outta control.
My t hates when I SI, but she understands that sometimes its the lesser of the evils.
I'm glad you have found a safer way to do it too!
So don't kick yourself bout it.
Sounds like you being careful and honest to T.
So as far as I concerned, do what you need to do to get thru this difficult time.
Just try to minimize it as much as possible and don't kick yourself.
Its OK.
Muffled
Posted by wishingstar on February 7, 2007, at 22:28:20
In reply to Re: coping *SI trigger* » wishingstar, posted by muffled on February 7, 2007, at 22:09:27
Thank you muffled. That helped a lot. Thank you for understanding.
I know it's not a GOOD coping mechainism, but it is a coping mechanism. And I feel exactly like you said... it's the lesser of the evils right now. I'm just trying everything I know. I dont know what else to do.
I never have been particularly dangerous with it, so thats a plus I guess. Really no danger of hurting myself permanently.
I'm afraid I've disappointed my T. But it's okay. I know she understands and she knows I'm trying. But still.... eh.
By the way, very happy to hear you're not cutting as much anymore! Thats awesome. Keep it up.
Posted by wishingstar on February 7, 2007, at 22:32:27
In reply to Re: coping *SI trigger*, posted by widget on February 7, 2007, at 20:55:38
I'm glad the explanation helped some. Of course its different for each person, but I think what I said might be pretty common.
You sound like a great parent. Your daughter is lucky to have you on her side. I didnt at all feel like you were trying to minimize my pain though - I'm sorry if I implied that I thought that. Not at all. I just appreciate you understanding and caring.
Trying my best to hang on. Thank you.
Posted by wishingstar on February 8, 2007, at 14:56:30
In reply to Re: coping *SI trigger* » widget, posted by wishingstar on February 7, 2007, at 22:32:27
Screw the job.
I cant wait another three weeks just to get started on a new med. (Im on nothing now).
I'm just not okay.
Ill post and let you know before I go if I do decide to go back. I hated it there, but nothing could be worse than this right now.
Posted by muffled on February 8, 2007, at 21:55:22
In reply to considering going back to inpatient, posted by wishingstar on February 8, 2007, at 14:56:30
Did you talk to T?
Take care.
Muffled
Posted by wishingstar on February 8, 2007, at 22:04:49
In reply to (((((((((((((wishy)))))))))))))))))) » wishingstar, posted by muffled on February 8, 2007, at 21:55:22
Thank you for noticing me muffy. I feel so invisible lately... youre so sweet.
I saw my T today. It was ok, but not terribly productive. I dont think she really got how bad I was feeling.. I wasnt very clear about it.
I called her around 5 (my appt was at 2) and told her I was thinking about going back to the hospital but she didnt have to call me back, I just wanted her to know. She called me back anyway about 30 min later and asked what was going on, etc etc.. asked me to promise I'd be safe and I said I couldnt but I thought I'd be okay. I think she trusts me though. She said I should go if I think I need to and worry about the job later, but it starts on Mon and I dont want to miss the training. She said shes going to call to check on me tomorrow morning sometime before lunch, and just had me say I'd be safe until at least then. So thats what Im doing. Waiting to talk to her tomorrow.
She gave me an appt today for next Thurs, during my training week, at 4pm. My training ends at 4. She said it was ok if I was late, a short session is better than nothing. Otherwise I wanst going to get to see her at all. So I guess thats good. Her office is only about 10 min from my work.
She feels very safe to me. I know she cares about me. She said today that I'm a challenge for her because I'm in a different place than most of her other clients, but she knows that theres something much better out there for me (in life). She said she was fascinated by what i was talking about last session. Maybe it's weird, but thats a neat feeling.
I'm not sure what I'm doing to do. Right now I'm feeling a little better than earlier. But today I was feeling very unsafe. Very very unsafe. I just dont know what to do.
{{{muffy}}} youre the best.
Posted by Gee on February 8, 2007, at 23:17:52
In reply to Re: (((((((((((((wishy)))))))))))))))))) » muffled, posted by wishingstar on February 8, 2007, at 22:04:49
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, but it sounds like you've got a great t who cares about you a lot. You are very lucky in that regard. Good luck with the job, and all the tough disciions
Posted by wishingstar on February 8, 2007, at 23:22:39
In reply to Re: (((((((((((((wishy)))))))))))))))))) » wishingstar, posted by Gee on February 8, 2007, at 23:17:52
thanks gee. yes, I think my T is wonderful. i wouldnt trade her for anything right now.
thank you.
Posted by ElaineM on February 8, 2007, at 23:42:08
In reply to Re: (((((((((((((wishy)))))))))))))))))) » Gee, posted by wishingstar on February 8, 2007, at 23:22:39
No good words, but I care about you too. Glad Ginny's gonna check in with you. I just want you to do what would be least harmful to you. If that means having to go back to inpatient, even though you hated the last time, then I'm sure you'll be doing what you need to do to stay safe. That's the bottom line after all right. I'm sorry things are so bad right now. Wish I had more to give. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Let us know K?
(((((WS)))))
blove El
Posted by caraher on February 9, 2007, at 6:45:16
In reply to Re: (((((((((((((wishy)))))))))))))))))), posted by ElaineM on February 8, 2007, at 23:42:08
hope you're doing better... Most of all, I hope you do what you need to do to feel better. And you'll never feel better if you can't keep yourself safe. But you will feel better someday, I'm sure of it.
Also... I want to say how I love the way muffled calls you "wishy." (((muffled))) (((wishy)))
Posted by wishingstar on February 9, 2007, at 8:50:49
In reply to Re: (((((((((((((wishy)))))))))))))))))), posted by ElaineM on February 8, 2007, at 23:42:08
Thanks Elaine. That does help, just knowing people are around I guess. Just so you know, I've been thinking about you a lot lately too. I hope you're doing okay too.
Posted by wishingstar on February 9, 2007, at 8:52:56
In reply to Re: (((((((((((((wishy)))))))))))))))))))), posted by caraher on February 9, 2007, at 6:45:16
> hope you're doing better... Most of all, I hope you do what you need to do to feel better. And you'll never feel better if you can't keep yourself safe. But you will feel better someday, I'm sure of it.
>**If only I knew what that was... :) (thats a pretty twisted smiley, I guess). But yes, I'm trying. More than anything I do want to feel better, not die, but they get mixed up a lot.
> Also... I want to say how I love the way muffled calls you "wishy." (((muffled))) (((wishy)))
**Me too. :)
Posted by wishingstar on February 9, 2007, at 11:53:12
In reply to Re: (((((((((((((wishy)))))))))))))))))))) » caraher, posted by wishingstar on February 9, 2007, at 8:52:56
She called a few minutes ago. She told me she'd call before lunch, and when it hit 12:30 I was starting to panic.. what if she forgot? But obviously she didnt.
We only talked for maybe three or four minutes.. asked how I was, was I safe, what my plans were for the weekend. She asked if I wanted her to call over the weekend to check in and of course I wanted to say yes, but I said it was up to her.. I just dont know how I'll be feeling. So she said she'll check her messages around noon on Sat and Sun and to leave her a message if I want her to call me. I probably wont because what can she possibly say? But it's a nice thing to have there.. a safety net I guess. She also told me to call her on Mon after work regardless of whether I think I "need her" or not to let her know how I am and how work went.
On one level its very obvious to me that she cares and wants to be there. She wouldnt say all those things otherwise. But on another, I feel like I'm being a huge annoyance and burden for her. Every once in awhile I get this certain tone in her voice... the first time I SIed after being safe for a long time, for instance.. and I got the same tone last night and this morning. I guess its probably just concern or something, but it makes me feel like shes frustrated or bothered or doing something she doesnt want to do. It feels punishing. I guess she wouldnt offer to call if she really didnt want to, but who knows. I KNOW thats a feeling on my end, nothing shes trying to do.. but it makes me want to hide it when I feel really bad or do something dumb (SI). I dont want to get that tone.
She encouraged me to call my pdoc and try to get in earlier. I did but it didnt work. They offered me an appt next week, on Monday, but of course!! Of course this STUPID job is screwing it all up and I had to turn it down. The doctor is covering the hospital the next week, and then the week after that (the 28th) is my appt anyway. So there's no getting in any earlier. Great.
I dont know what else to say.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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