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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 31. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on February 1, 2007, at 21:40:49
I just getting over flue, my IRL kids too. Still tired. Missed T walk :-( , T said resched a reg appt for Thurs? but I still too sick :(
And I been thinking bout her going away, and making like I am all good now and mebbe we can terminate at this time. I writing glowing positive crap in my journal. I have solved all probs. I don't even notice my 'people'. All is good and well. Don't even miss not having T this week. I am so good. And then....I thinking bout how I like to listen to T message so much. It is my little kid. To her it is like a blankie thqat makes her feel OK for a bit.
But kid does not have much concept of T as a a person cuz she mostly hides.
And I supposed to soothe this kid. But HOW??????How do I soothe this kid? I can scarecly stand to feel her for more than a millisecond when she gets weird feelings. And then my T will go away, and there will not be 'fresh' messages. For some unknown reason freshness counts.....not so much content, but tone of voice. Subtle little nuances that she seems to hear (?) that calm her. My T personallt does not calm her cuz she just gets scared of her IRL.
SO HOW??? can I calm the kid when T is away????
I am fine.
Kid is NOT.
I was thinking we all doing OK (other than bad wanting to self I,)I thot all was great.
Then I writing stuff and its TOO clear...I DO got people, I DON'T want people. I want this to stop. I am supposed to be a mature responsible useful mom and memebr of society. A good example of a christian. And I try to make it all OK, but then its NOT, it all f*cking falls apart on me.
I want to make it better.
God I am SO tired of this.
Why can't I make it OK?
Sorry to be so dumb.
Dunno what to do.
I feel sadness.
But I not allowed to cry. Waterineye is bad. Esp waterineye for oneself.
Mebbe I just still got flu. I all mixed up.
Does ANYBODY understand me? Cuz I don't :(
I am my own worst enemy.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on February 1, 2007, at 23:21:17
In reply to I dunno what to say**trigger**, posted by muffled on February 1, 2007, at 21:40:49
I just sorry.
I just want comfort I think.
Some part of me does.
Not scared ness.
Just comfort.
But its the same comfort so many babblers are looking for....
what we never got.
What we SHOULDA got.
But we didn't, and the ache never truly completely goes away.
And sometimes it hurts so much.
And sometimes I forget about it.
And sometimes my heart aches and breaks for what I didn't have, for what was stolen violently from me, for my being broken into pieces.
And theres no WHY?
It just IS.
And I am consumed.
But this shall pass, and it will be good again.
This I know.
Thank you.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on February 1, 2007, at 23:23:13
In reply to Don't read, I'm sorry. » muffled, posted by muffled on February 1, 2007, at 23:21:17
Posted by muffled on February 1, 2007, at 23:23:45
In reply to Don't read, I'm sorry. » muffled, posted by muffled on February 1, 2007, at 23:21:17
Posted by muffled on February 1, 2007, at 23:24:31
In reply to Don't read, I'm sorry. » muffled, posted by muffled on February 1, 2007, at 23:21:17
muffled is disgusting
Posted by muffled on February 1, 2007, at 23:25:33
In reply to Don't read, I'm sorry. » muffled, posted by muffled on February 1, 2007, at 23:21:17
cuz I posted tooooooooooooooooo many times in a row.
Posted by muffled on February 1, 2007, at 23:26:51
In reply to Kick me in the *ss Bob » muffled, posted by muffled on February 1, 2007, at 23:25:33
Posted by muffled on February 2, 2007, at 3:02:22
In reply to Sorry (nm), posted by muffled on February 1, 2007, at 23:26:51
BYE
Posted by happykat on February 2, 2007, at 3:43:41
In reply to I dunno what to say**trigger**, posted by muffled on February 1, 2007, at 21:40:49
((((((((((((Muffled)))))))))))))))))
I'm sorry you and your kids have the flu. :(
I hope you're doing better. I haven't read through all your posts yet but am working on it. Be well my friend!!!! :)Regards,
kat
Posted by Scentedgarden on February 2, 2007, at 5:08:28
In reply to Re: I dunno what to say**trigger** » muffled, posted by happykat on February 2, 2007, at 3:43:41
Posted by one woman cine on February 2, 2007, at 9:41:19
In reply to Re: I dunno what to say**trigger** » muffled, posted by happykat on February 2, 2007, at 3:43:41
Posted by LadyBug on February 2, 2007, at 9:59:11
In reply to Re: I dunno what to say**trigger** » muffled, posted by happykat on February 2, 2007, at 3:43:41
I hope you get feeling better. It sucks to have the flu. Sorry you missed your walk with your T. When does your T take her time off? We will be here for you.
Sending good thoughts your way. Be safe and feel better soon ok?
LadyBug
Posted by Dinah on February 2, 2007, at 10:21:58
In reply to I dunno what to say**trigger**, posted by muffled on February 1, 2007, at 21:40:49
Being sick, or having been sick, tends to make everything seem worse to me.
And why do therapists leave at just the wrong time?
While they aren't washing machines, and a relationship with them can't be duplicated with someone else, I sometimes wish my therapist would leave a substitute therapist when he's gone.
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 2, 2007, at 10:40:35
In reply to Hi Muffled,I'm sending you *Peace* take care of U (nm), posted by Scentedgarden on February 2, 2007, at 5:08:28
Muffled,
please be civil... to yourself.But if you're going to be self-injurious, I suppose it's good thing to use babble to do that. the scars are less visible, for one. And you're not hurting others, only those who love you and don't want you to be blocked.
please know in my incoherancitude that I love you dearly and that I would join you on any farm anywhere on the earth. my preferred destination, of course remains either Muffly's Cave or Camp Comfort, although I'm not sure that they aren't located in the same point in the space-time continuum.That point where the rivers of Rage, Misery, Despair, Sadness, Grief, Trauma and Hurt merge and flow into the River of Mercy in the Land of Faith, through the Delta of Forgiveness into the Sea of Enlightenment.
You'll find me struggling to inflate my little inflatable raft as I brave the rapids of Misery. Cannot wait until I get to Mercy.
Where are you right now?
-Ll
Posted by Poet on February 2, 2007, at 14:48:39
In reply to And the honest truth » muffled, posted by muffled on February 1, 2007, at 23:24:31
Hi Muffled,
I don't think you are disgusting and that's the honest truth. You are getting over the flu, which means your stamina is low, your T is leaving and *the kid* is acting up like kids do. So you're dealing with physical and emotional zaps to your energy. Have some soup, hot tea and take a long nap. Send the kid over to play wth my inner brat, excuse me, adorable inner child.
((((Muffled)))))
Poet
Posted by Honore on February 2, 2007, at 20:02:14
In reply to Re: And the honest truth » muffled, posted by Poet on February 2, 2007, at 14:48:39
You'll be okay, muffly. Sometimes everything or something goes wrong-- and it seems as if all our progress and good times are overthrown.
You'll feel better. And your Ikid will feel better.
Remember that wonderful spa and tea house you were building for us and yourself? That's my favorite place to visit.
That was the best! and you built it for us-- with a little help from us-- and you made it so perfect and just what we wanted.
You'll get back there, and we'll sit on the porch and listen to the trees and the maybe some music that we hear wafting from somewhere nearby. It'll be great.
Honore
Posted by ElaineM on February 2, 2007, at 20:25:17
In reply to I dunno what to say**trigger**, posted by muffled on February 1, 2007, at 21:40:49
Muffly [who is never disgusting] I'm sending you some good health vibes. You've talked me through some of my hardest downturns, so now it's your turn to get TLC. Must be so hard to take care of the kids too, with the flu. But don't you worry about not being a useful or responsible mom. You ARE just that. Taking care of them when they're sick, doing outtings with them, talking about how you want the best for them, mentioning them in post's so lovingly. ANd then still managing to say lovely things to so many hurting on here. I wish you could see yourself as others here see you.
I'm sorry your T is going away. She sounds like a gem. Is she gone yet? Could you fax her and tell her that you're finding the break harder than you've said. I wonder if there's anyway you could set it up with her that she will call at a specific time, on a chosen few days, with the sole purpose of leaving a new little check-in message. So you will have the "freshness" while she's away.
Remember you have alot of people here who care about you, and will support you while she's away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~quiet serene vibes~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>strength courage vibes>>>>>>>>>>>>
((((((((((((((((((safe hugs Muff))))))))))))))))))))))))blove El
Posted by Declan on February 2, 2007, at 20:28:43
In reply to Re: And the honest truth, posted by Honore on February 2, 2007, at 20:02:14
We need to have a safe little space for those clearly important parts of ourselves that seem to find us (rightly or wrongly) disgusting.
Where does it all come from? Not so many people are disgusting. Maybe when one says 'I am disgusting', one means 'I am a severe embarrassment to myself'?
Posted by muffled on February 3, 2007, at 12:06:07
In reply to Re: And the honest truth, posted by Declan on February 2, 2007, at 20:28:43
I think I kinda freaked bout T going away, then I not get to see her this week and was dissapointed. And i been at home and sick, and I been trying to solve all my bad kidss probs while sick. I want to be all better B4 T goes so she don't goto worry bout me. So I get myself all built up, and then I get sick, and all the crap I been telling myself bout that kid and how it was just mebbe a bad anethetic drug trip when she had her tonsils out, well it just made her upset, and it all fell apart....
I did lv T a message but it was garbled and she got it mostly wrong. I wanted her to say she cared bout my bad inside kid but she said in message back that 'someone' cares bout my 'people'????????????????????? and she said as how when we feel sick physically then it makes everything harder. And her voice sounded funny, and now I worried that mebbe her kid is sick as she has a chronic illness :( and thats why her voice changed when she said bout being sick.
I want so much to be better, and sometimes I feel SO much better, but then I get messed up, but this is the WORST in awhile. And now its the weekend and T is dead to me on weekends. And I been going thru my list of what to do in crisis, but I running out of options.....
And its hard, I can't just curl up and dissapear cuz I got IRL kids that need me. And its so hard.
So I got the guts to get my T to leave message but its WRONG and NOT GOOD.
This is long, so I shut up,
Thank you to all for support suggestions and just being there cuz I feel so bad, I almost feel like I could have waterineye.
It will get better again, I KNOW this.
Just so sucks right now :(
Muffled
Posted by littleone on February 3, 2007, at 16:47:27
In reply to I think......and thanks-Looooooooooooooong, posted by muffled on February 3, 2007, at 12:06:07
Hey muffled,
Sending you warm healing vibes.
You don't have to be all better for your T before she goes away. You just have to be honest with her. It's okay to let down your brave face and show her you're struggling. If it does cause her to worry, that's for her to handle. She has very good coping methods in place to deal with her own feelings and worries and whatnot. You don't have to protect her. You just need to be open and honest with her.
And if you are open and honest with how you're struggling before she goes away, then you've both got a greater chance of implementing things to help you while she's away.
I know how you feel when you say your T is dead to you on the weekends. But I'm telling you now that she does exist, that she is alive, that she is a wonderful T who cares for you and when you see her again, you will find her inside you again. She's actually not dead to you at all. You've just lost her. But she is still there inside you somewhere.
Have you got something from your T that you can cuddle when she's not with you? If you do, pull it out and hold it and know that it came from her. That she gave it to you because she really cares about you and wants to help you. If you don't, maybe you could have a talk to her about getting something from her before she goes on her long break. It can really help a lot.
Since you're running out of things to do on your list, you can borrow some things from my list if you think they could help. The big thing is to plan things in advance. I find it really hard to get up and do stuff if it isn't planned in advance.
You could:
- go to your local botanical gardens (I'm going to mine today)
- have a look around a museum or art gallery
- go to the zoo
- look around the garden/park/wherever for interesting feathers or leaves or flowers or bugs or butterflies or lots of things.
- read through a book aimed at the age of the part that needs comforting. Make sure it's a safe book with no triggers first.
- blow some bubbles with one of those little bottles of detergent stuff.
- if you really need a safe place to let you eyes water (and yes it is perfectly okay to let them water, they help let bad feelings out and stop you holding all your bad feelings inside your poor body. Sometimes it can make you feel a lot better - especially if you have a nice long nap afterwards), you could build a blanket fort to hide in. Nice and dark and warm and safe.
- the other thing is, if have some privacy and don't want your eyes to water, but still feel real upset, you can wail. Make crying noises without the watery eyes. That can still help to let out the bad feelings. It helps if you hold a stuffed animal or something. It can feel like you're holding your upset part.
Hope something here helps you a little.
If you wanted, I would be more than happy to come visit you in your cave or the mossy place or anywhere else you like. Or if you'd feel safer on your own, I understand. I'll just send you caring vibes through the air.
And yes, it WILL get better. I know you know this, and I know it too. I'm just adding my voice to your knowing this to make it stronger.
And yes, I do understand exactly what you're saying in your first post. I can totally relate.
The other day I was trying to convince my T that I don't have parts, and I'd just been fooling us both and was thinking myself sick. But then I talk about the parts and they're right there even as I'm trying to convince him otherwise. Drives me crazy.
And I have days where I don't want parts. I'm so TIRED of having parts. Especially trying to like them and accept them and heal.
Pushing them away and getting stuck in denial bogs you down and things grind to a halt. Sometimes it can be away to avoid the hard work or avoid something else that feels threatening. You find healing through acceptance.
Did you think of ways to soothe that little kid, or are you still struggling with that?
I'm sitting at the swings and the seesaw if you'd like to come over. There's some monkey bars here too and one of those merry go rounds you run and run and push around.
Posted by muffled on February 4, 2007, at 10:43:03
In reply to Re: I dunno what to say**trigger** » muffled, posted by happykat on February 2, 2007, at 3:43:41
You are good friends to have.
Take care too,
Muffled
Posted by muffled on February 4, 2007, at 10:44:39
In reply to Re: (((((((Muffled))))))), posted by LadyBug on February 2, 2007, at 9:59:11
Support helps. makes me feel less repulsive.
Hope you guys OK.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on February 4, 2007, at 10:47:12
In reply to Re: Hi Muffled,I'm sending you *Peace* take care o, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 2, 2007, at 10:40:35
I read your words and feel not so alone.
I dunno why I do this to myself.
Thanks,
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by muffled on February 4, 2007, at 10:49:53
In reply to Re: And the honest truth, posted by Honore on February 2, 2007, at 20:02:14
Yeah, goto deal w/that kid......
Thanks, its so nice someone cares.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on February 4, 2007, at 10:53:54
In reply to Re: I dunno what to say**trigger** » muffled, posted by ElaineM on February 2, 2007, at 20:25:17
Thank you.
I do have parts, or mebbe A part? thats very gross.
I see T on this Tues, then I find out whats going on.
You babblers are great people.
Take care,
Muffled
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]
Script revised: February 4, 2008
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