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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 30, 2006, at 23:27:39
I brought my piece of paper. It was so hard to get started. Once I did, I couldn't stop crying.
T said so many good things. I really have a good feeling about her. She said so many things at the end. I felt stronger. In the past, I always felt weaker or somewhat disgusted with myself, but ... she said some really nice things. Things that I could actually accept, or at least consider.
I had tears running down to my belly button. No sobs, just a steady flow of tears.
I feel a little unstable right now, but my friends are in the living room even as I type. How do I kick them out? I'm sleepy!
Oh well, they should sober up before they start on their way.
I tell you more later. I also got a new diagnosis. I'm satisfied with it. It makes sense to me. It might make things easier to discuss with the family... or with strangers...
night.
Posted by Fallsfall on December 1, 2006, at 6:57:19
In reply to I did it. I did the hard thing, posted by Lindenblüte on November 30, 2006, at 23:27:39
Good for you!
And I'm glad that her response was helpful for you.
Posted by Dinah on December 1, 2006, at 7:57:59
In reply to I did it. I did the hard thing, posted by Lindenblüte on November 30, 2006, at 23:27:39
Good for you! And I'm glad she handled it well. It sounds as if you found the right therapist for you.
Posted by wishingstar on December 1, 2006, at 8:58:13
In reply to I did it. I did the hard thing, posted by Lindenblüte on November 30, 2006, at 23:27:39
I'm so proud of you! I know you felt like that was an incredibly hard thing to do but you did it, and it turned out very well. Congrats.
Posted by muffled on December 1, 2006, at 9:32:21
In reply to I did it. I did the hard thing, posted by Lindenblüte on November 30, 2006, at 23:27:39
Good for you Li, you been working awfully hard on your 'stuff'. I'm glad you got a good T. You must be a model client.
So don leave us hanging!!!!! Whats the new DX????????????
Take care, feeling unstable is a good sign, leastaways your feeling SOMEthing.
Hang in there.
Muffled
Posted by Poet on December 1, 2006, at 10:31:27
In reply to I did it. I did the hard thing, posted by Lindenblüte on November 30, 2006, at 23:27:39
Hi Li,
I sounds like you've found the right therapist. I think you felt stronger because you are getting stronger.
Poet
Posted by Lindenblüte on December 1, 2006, at 10:55:53
In reply to Re: I did it. I did the hard thing, posted by muffled on December 1, 2006, at 9:32:21
Teaser: if you can make it through this tedious introduction, I will tell you what my new Dx is...!
So, I had about 3000 words that I wrote concerning what I understand about my relationship with Mom. I wrote about how it hurt so bad that she never showed me her love or affection until she was sure that no one was looking. In particular, if she hugged me or told me I love you when my older bro was around she would feel obligated to show him that same love. For a long time bro and my mom didn't speak, because bro was angry at my mom, furious, in fact.
Bro and Dad would get mad when mom showed me love or affection, because they said it was a demonstration of favoritism, and that it wasn't fair. Consequently, I still cannot get any comfort from my mom saying "I love you" or "I'm very proud of you". She says these things a lot, particularly at the end of phone conversations. I always feel very uncomfortable when I hear that. It feels wrong and dirty.
I also do not feel safe expressing love and affection around my family members. If I show someone love and caring, that will be attacked as stupid, my vulnerabilities will be exploited, and so, what's a little girl or an adolescent to learn? She learns that it's dangerous to show love, or to feel love. That someone in my family will feel envy, jealousy, or injustice as a result of my feelings. That I have no defenses in the face of older bro and dad with their violent tempers. If I showed affection towards my dad, Mom would be resentful, because he was such a lousy parent, and often tried to "buy" our love. Sometimes she would even get angry if we preferred to do something with Dad instead of her.
I am more and more comfortable showing love and affection towards my friends and husband. Even towards my baby niece and nephew. BUT, when my husband and I go to visit the family, I always feel wrong to hug him or show him my love. It feels like I'm breaking a rule, that I'm dirty.
It's also really hard for me to show my feelings with ANYBODY, which is why my current T and my oldT often remark that I'm somewhat disconnected emotionally from the words that come out of my mouth.
Teams developed at different points in my childhood. First there was the older bro - Dad alliance to further his mathematical genius and bring glory to our household as a middle schooler. (Never mind that I was left out of the tutoring, the math team coachings, or the out-of town trips to the competitions and math genius camps. Nevermind that I assumed that I did not possess innate mathematical genius, that my talents for foreign language and violining were not considered impressive or worth fostering to my dad... baggage, huh?) Later teams included me, older bro, dad, younger bro vs. mom (who was largely absent because she was working odd shifts, like the 3pm to 10 pm shift). In order to get fed and get transported, I had to remain in Dad and older bro's good graces, and this involved participating in disparaging tirades against my mom and things she held dear. I hated ganging up on her though. I hated seeing the hurt in her eyes. So, at some point I decided to start sticking up for her. This is when things got really bad for me. The older bro-Dad alliance was stronger than ever, my little bro was hanging out with them because they were more fun. Meanwhile mom was struggling to extract grocery and gas money from my Dad. Whenever it came to an issue of "someone has to sit next to mom" or "someone has to run mom's errand" or "someone has to make sure mom gets her message about the doctor's appt." It fell onto ME. oh, Li you do it, you're mom's precious daughter (sneer) she loves you more than us anyways. The guys often ended up doing a lot of fun things like go-cart racing, eating out, shopping sprees, trips to the arcade... that kind of stuff, because dad had money (actually credit) to burn. Meanwhile the mother-daughter "team" was left in a position of being ignored, dominated, ridiculed, etc. I was very resentful of my mother during this time for not having more power. Power to discipline my older brother when he lost his temper and beat me. Power to demand that Dad share financial resources towards running the household and raising THREE children, not just his protege.
That consumed a lot of our discussion.
The other big topic was how hard it was for me to "fit in" in my world. I told T how I was utterly unprepared to go to summer camp when I was 5 and 6 years old. How I didn't make a single friend all summer long at either one. How I felt such deep shame because I was not cool like the other kids. How I felt such deep shame because I couldn't figure out how to be accepted. How I couldn't even make myself LOOK like a regular kid (wearing my older bro's hand-me-downs) and I was so tall and big that I figured that my appearance would never allow me to lead a normal social life. How my mom never took the care to make sure her little girl was adequately dressed and groomed for school, that her homework was done, or even that she had a ride home.
My T said that from what she's heard, Mom pretty much gave up much of the role as "mother" and didn't really do much to help me get around in the world. She didn't give me the social skills to help me play and make friends. She didn't worry about where her daughter was, until it got to be dark, or dinnertime.
T said that I've been on my own for a very long time. And that I'm very brave, and that I'm very strong. She said that we both know I'm intelligent, but that I also must have learned to be very creative.
Why is it so hard to hear my T say these nice things about me? Why does it hurt my heart so much to hear her say that I was showing a lot of courage to share these things with her? Why do I feel so exposed to hear her say that I'm smart, and intelligent and creative? Why do I feel so guilty when she says that I'm strong?
All I ever learned is that to cry is bad, to share feelings is unfair and immoral, to hear kind caring words from a woman my mom's age means that my defenses better be up.
The other stuff we talked about concerns how my mom has so many of the classic behaviors of an ABUSED woman. We talked about where she might have learned these behaviors, and what the consequences were, in terms of failing to protect her children denial of any wrongdoing on the part of the abuser, etc etc.
T has said it 5 times now. Every single session. "What we know, Li, is that the first step in healing this relationship [between Mom and me] is for the mom to be able to admit that abuse took place, and that her child was traumatized. The mother must be able to admit some personal responsibility. If the mother cannot admit this, than you will not be able to truly forgive her. Li, do you think your mother will ever admit that these things took place? That you were abused?"
The truth is, I DON'T KNOW. There are moments when my mom drops the act, stops acting on her delusions that family harmony is restored and that the past was merely some kind of temporary stress.
"Would it help you [tell her] if you told her that *I* [T] think your diagnosis is post-traumatic-stress-disorder?"
"Um, maybe."
"Do you think that you have PTSD?"
"Yes, that makes a lot of sense to me"
"I think that your depression is one symptom of your disorder, but the overarching pattern seems to suggest PTSD. "
-Li
I seriously lost about 4 oz of tears.
Posted by muffled on December 1, 2006, at 11:19:28
In reply to What I told (**some child abuse trggers**), posted by Lindenblüte on December 1, 2006, at 10:55:53
Sorry Li :-(
You really have a seriously dysfunctional family.
But really, it produced YOU, mebbe you got baggage aplenty, but you are SUCH an amazing person. I think you have SO much to give to this world.
"Somewhat disconnected emotionally from the words that come out of my mouth". No kidding!!!!! You are an encyclopedia of scientific info bout your dx, your body language etc. I read some of your posts and wonder why I don't know this stuff bout myself......But then I goto thinking, ahhhhhh, this is all a part of Li's defense system. She hides behind 'knowledge', she is hyper vigilant of all incomming info, so that she can process it all, and make the safest descions on what to do. ALL info must be noted and processsed for maximum safety.
It must be hard to be SO vigilant. I think I gone the opposite way, lol, I miss everything!!! I in a sphere. LOL.
But I understood alot of what you said.
However I DO NOT understand about how it is that you MUST deal with your mother????? What if you don't have a mother? What if (like mine), they are rather disconnected. I think my mom dissociates ALOT. So there would be no point in talking to her. I think my mom did the best she could given her mental status etc. I don't think I ever felt unloved. But from what my sis tells me, my ma didn't really care FOR us much. She loved us I think, but was very disconnected. This info all comes from my siister as I don't remember my childhood.
So I dunno bout this obsession w/Mom thing? I guess if you want to heal your realationship with her specifically, then that makes sense. IF she is mentally capable of dealing with it.... But not needed in the scheme of your general healing.
This is long winded. Sorry.
Take care Li.
You ARE having emotions, just careful ones. I think you doing a good job.
Muffled
Posted by Lindenblüte on December 1, 2006, at 11:45:28
In reply to Mom? » Lindenblüte, posted by muffled on December 1, 2006, at 11:19:28
Thanks muffled (I'm SO impressed you read all my crap!)
I want my mom to be a part of my future. I love her, but I don't know how to tell her or show her.
My dad- I wish for no future relationship with my dad. Just mom.
yeah, I hid behind my knowledge. I'm gonna get back to work now, collecting more data on the silly stuff I study...
-Li
(p.s. Do you have an opinion re. butt-kicking with suede boots vs. shiny leather boots? I'm trying to decide what to wear!)
Posted by muffled on December 1, 2006, at 12:03:51
In reply to Re: Mom? » muffled, posted by Lindenblüte on December 1, 2006, at 11:45:28
Posted by happykat on December 1, 2006, at 13:31:21
In reply to What I told (**some child abuse trggers**), posted by Lindenblüte on December 1, 2006, at 10:55:53
Hi Lidenblute,
I've been following your posts. It sounds like there was alot of divisiveness growing up. I can see how it would be hard being the only girl. Especially if your mother didn't really provide the kind of guidance and support that you really needed. I think it speaks volumes that you have the guts to try to heal yourself and work things out with your mom. Thats good that you have a lot of love for her. That goes a long way sometimes when you're trying to repair relationships. Good luck!
happykat : )
Posted by Lindenblüte on December 1, 2006, at 13:59:03
In reply to Re: What I told (**some child abuse trggers**) » Lindenblüte, posted by happykat on December 1, 2006, at 13:31:21
> Hi Lidenblute,
>
> I've been following your posts. It sounds like there was alot of divisiveness growing up. I can see how it would be hard being the only girl. Especially if your mother didn't really provide the kind of guidance and support that you really needed. I think it speaks volumes that you have the guts to try to heal yourself and work things out with your mom. Thats good that you have a lot of love for her. That goes a long way sometimes when you're trying to repair relationships. Good luck!
>
> happykat : )Thanks happykat,
I don't know why, but I'm always amazed that anyone actually reads this stuff. I'm really touched that strangers would actually spend a few minutes of their day to write to me and give me support. Your short summary of my family life is just about right. I hope I can repair this thing with my mom. I hope it doesn't destroy me first.
Posted by TherapyGirl on December 1, 2006, at 18:44:10
In reply to I did it. I did the hard thing, posted by Lindenblüte on November 30, 2006, at 23:27:39
Congratulations, Li!!! I can imagine how hard this was for you, but good for you for doing it and good for your T for having such a good response.
Posted by Meri-Tuuli on December 2, 2006, at 11:08:00
In reply to Re: Mom? » muffled, posted by Lindenblüte on December 1, 2006, at 11:45:28
So is that PTSD from your childhood? Is that where you hold it together thinking that things will get better once you move out and become an adult, and they never do because now you're mentally scarred and have tons of excess baggage?
M
Posted by Lindenblüte on December 2, 2006, at 12:42:45
In reply to Re: Mom? » Lindenblüte, posted by Meri-Tuuli on December 2, 2006, at 11:08:00
> So is that PTSD from your childhood? Is that where you hold it together thinking that things will get better once you move out and become an adult, and they never do because now you're mentally scarred and have tons of excess baggage?
>
> MWell, yeah. I figured that if I can get my geographic distance and financial independence, I would be all better.
PTSD from my childhood? Sure, but events of my toddlerhood and childhood and adolescence only set me up to experience even more trauma later on.
Ende gut, Alles gut.
Alls well that ends well.
If I have a happy ending, I can maintain that my upbringing was pretty good after all.
-Li
Posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 2, 2006, at 19:46:51
In reply to Ende gut, Alles gut » Meri-Tuuli, posted by Lindenblüte on December 2, 2006, at 12:42:45
Whew. events of the last 72 hours have plum tuckered me out.
After difficult T on Thursday my girlfriends came over and got drunk and stayed too late and kind of wrecked my place. Babble party was really fun too- stayed up too late again :) I think these distractions were really good for me.
I took a 2hour nap and woke up and feel kind of like my brain is broken! I feel like I just started processing my session from Thursday.
I told my T that I was worried that if I went back into all of this stuff from my past that I would "rock the boat". I told her that I was doing so well on my meds and with her, and that I was afraid of losing my hard-earned good mood and good concentration. She said that it was a possibility. I'm afraid of the anxiety and the flashbacks and the feeling like the slightest little thing will trigger a chain reaction of memory recall and ... consequences.
I think I'm allergic to myself
-ll
making another cup of tea now (((tea)))
Posted by SatinDoll on December 2, 2006, at 19:57:38
In reply to hangover » Lindenblüte, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 2, 2006, at 19:46:51
(((((Llurpsie)))))))))) I had a nap too, and feel little weird. I am also having a cup of tea, and some wonderful pasteries that a certain special person turned me on too.
I have redeemed myself with my gifts, but the pasteries made my family very happy and like mom of the year. Thanks!
I hope this feeling is just a passing one, but remember feelings are good for you even if they don't make ourselves feelgood at the moment.
Posted by muffled on December 3, 2006, at 0:31:14
In reply to hangover » Lindenblüte, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 2, 2006, at 19:46:51
>I told my T that I was worried that if I went back into all of this stuff from my past that I would "rock the boat". I told her that I was doing so well on my meds and with her, and that I was afraid of losing my hard-earned good mood and good concentration. She said that it was a possibility. I'm afraid of the anxiety and the flashbacks and the feeling like the slightest little thing will trigger a chain reaction of memory recall and ... consequences.
**Me too :-(
I start to go there, but I flip out and end up hurting myself and putting myself at risk.
Damn.
So I been avoiding.....
And Li, you proly got emotions, its just that you only notice the big ones. I just figgered that out for myself last week. Emotions are our signposts. So you been getting signs, mebbe just not 'seeing' them. As dreaded emots are dangerous. Your not allowed/supposed to feel.
Its hard.
:-(
Muffled
Posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 3, 2006, at 9:57:17
In reply to Re: hangover, posted by muffled on December 3, 2006, at 0:31:14
> >I told my T that I was worried that if I went back into all of this stuff from my past that I would "rock the boat". I told her that I was doing so well on my meds and with her, and that I was afraid of losing my hard-earned good mood and good concentration. She said that it was a possibility. I'm afraid of the anxiety and the flashbacks and the feeling like the slightest little thing will trigger a chain reaction of memory recall and ... consequences.
>
> **Me too :-(
> I start to go there, but I flip out and end up hurting myself and putting myself at risk.
> Damn.
> So I been avoiding.....
> And Li, you proly got emotions, its just that you only notice the big ones. I just figgered that out for myself last week. Emotions are our signposts. So you been getting signs, mebbe just not 'seeing' them. As dreaded emots are dangerous. Your not allowed/supposed to feel.
> Its hard.
> :-(
> MuffledOkay muffled, I got a deal for you- You go to MY sessions and talk about my past, and I'll go to YOUR sessions and talk about your past. Don't you think that will work?
p.s. my T just got new furniture. there's even a footstool to prop your feet on. tempted?
ugh. emotions...
i hope tues and thurs are good for you?
-ll
Posted by muffled on December 3, 2006, at 18:06:26
In reply to Re: hangover » muffled, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 3, 2006, at 9:57:17
I can only go on Tuesday for you. And My T is on Tues too. So mebbe we will just swtich.
LOL.
It might be funny to try that in our heads somehow? Or just think of each other at the time?
I don't have a past.
But my little Blossom(my inside kid, HA! her name is blossom!) wants to 'talk'. But she got nothing to say that I know of? Mebbe she can just tell how it is that she feels.
I fear anger. I dunno who's got anger. But I afraid of it :-(. I afraid of alot of things :-(
I just NEVER want to hurt nobody:(
Emotions are VERY scarey.
Take care,
Muffled
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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