![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 2 to 26 of 26. Go back in thread:
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 16, 2006, at 17:57:52
In reply to Elaine?, posted by sunnydays on November 15, 2006, at 22:03:54
I was just about to start an Elaine? thread myself
Proof that Elaine has fans around these parts, huh?
Elaine, if you get a chance, maybe you can share what's going on with you? Anyways, I miss you friend
gentle hugs,
-Li
Posted by ElaineM on November 16, 2006, at 23:03:57
In reply to Re: Elaine?, posted by Lindenblüte on November 16, 2006, at 17:57:52
I appreciate both of your bfriendships.
((((((((sunnydays)))))))))
((((((((Li)))))))))))I'm not well. I did go to the ER last weekend and they sent me home, saying to call my PCP. :( *sigh* Said it wasn't an "emergency". My female doc couldn't get me in until the 24th!!! Which WASN'T gonna be good enough (though I made it too, just incase). So I went to see Young-Doc and he suggested more ineffectual OTC things - which haven't been doing anything for nearly two months now. He refused to retest right now to see if the antibiotics I was on were absorbed properly, because of the other stuff I'm taking (ie, is the infection gone or is it still contributing to the worsening pain). Said to come back next Wed. :'(
I don't go to T anymore. I don't do anything. I can't tolerate much now. It's hard to breathe properly. Usually I just lay until my body goes numb and then I get up and move a bit. I hope everyday that I wake up vomiting or with a fever, cause those symptoms usually get attention.
I'm really scared cause I've lost 12 lbs now since Female Doc weighed me in October. I'm not scared cause I think it will cause any ED relapse, but because I know how it weakens and f*cks-up a body to do that. And I can't afford to lose anymore health or strength as I'm trying to go through this. I can hardly keep food down - it's nauseating. I kinda have to breathe it down - like lamaze. I *am* trying to drink more now, but it's hard too. :"( I JUST WANT HELP! I don't know why it's so hard to get. I don't understand! Nobody cares. I just wanted to scream and cry to Young-Doc "Please treat me like a f*cking person and not a patient! PLEASE!" :"(
I may go again tomorrow to the hospital. If not, T offered to take me on Saturday. I'm seriously considering telling them that I'll kill myself because of not receiving medical care, so they won't boot me out the door. I figure that even if it's a psych admission, it'd still be a hospital and they'd still have to treat medical problems of psych patients while there. And if I'm admitted and they don't take me seriously, or still don't do anything, then I'm no worse off then the horrible non-treatment situation I'm in now. Plus, I do wish I was dead anyways. I even know how. So it's not much of a stretch.
blove, EL
Posted by sunnydays on November 17, 2006, at 7:32:59
In reply to Re: Elaine? ***trigger, posted by ElaineM on November 16, 2006, at 23:03:57
(((((((((((((((Elaine)))))))))))))))))
I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now. I wish there was something I could say to make it better. Keep trying. Eventually someone has to listen.
sunnydays
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 17, 2006, at 8:11:01
In reply to Re: Elaine? ***trigger » ElaineM, posted by sunnydays on November 17, 2006, at 7:32:59
hi Elaine,
I know you feel really terrible, but I think you are doing a good job of taking care of you. I'm actually glad that you're not going to "therapy" any more. Your "therapy" sessions seemed to be causing you more crisis than anything else in your life.Now is the time to focus on getting you better- keep asking, keep bugging the doctors.
You know you best. If you need to go to the hospital, you should go. If you end up on the psych ward, then perhaps you will have an opportunity to find a new T?? I don't know how it work, because I don't have experience with hospitals.
Whatever you decide, just remember that it's your body, and your future, and that no one can take it away from you. Keep posting (if it helps?), and stay hydrated.
your friend,
-Li
Posted by ElaineM on November 17, 2006, at 8:22:57
In reply to Re: Elaine? ***trigger » sunnydays, posted by Lindenblüte on November 17, 2006, at 8:11:01
thanks guys. it's so bad this morning. I'm just finishing getting ready and then I'm going. (by myself) I'll let you know how it goes whenever I can. (i hope i can post to you soon :-( but also I hope that they'll keep me - but then i won't be able to.)
:"""(
blove, EL
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 17, 2006, at 8:55:35
In reply to I'm going, posted by ElaineM on November 17, 2006, at 8:22:57
Good Luck Elaine-
I'm crossing my fingers for you((hugs))
-Li
Posted by ElaineM on November 18, 2006, at 11:55:16
In reply to Re: I'm going » ElaineM, posted by Lindenblüte on November 17, 2006, at 8:55:35
Thanks Li. I got in late last night. I was waiting for 7.5hours to be seen. Then I got moved to an exam room where I waited alone for 1.5hours until a doc showed up. Five minutes into talking with me he got paged over the intercom and left for another 1.5hours. Came back and sped through the rest of the assessment. Didn't order xray. Didn't take blood. Took a urineanalysis which didn't have results come back in time, before they discharged me. THough the doc did say that he thought the specialist I'd seen was a jerk. He said he was completely unsatisfied with his (non)explanations. ER-Doc even admitted that he would be only attempting to treat the symtpoms and not the cause - which is what the specialist refused to admit (he said the symptoms *were* the cause). ER-Doc gave me a quick acting short dose of med that should have an effect by Monday. If not, he said to come back and ask for him. THe thing that worries me is that the safety of taking this med depends on his (unconfirmed with tests) opinion that I don't have this dangerous counterindication. It's possible, but he said he didn't think so. So I'm scared. When he was getting ready to leave he backed up and put his hand to his face and said, "I can't help but wonder if we're missing something here." !!!!!!!!! Not the greatest thing to say to me before they booted me out.
I hate hospitals. So many sick people and massive wait times. Docs move soooooo slowly. EVen the ambulances couldn't move their patients through much faster. One woman near me ended up waiting 9 hours to be seen. Strechers left beeping in the hallways. One disoriented guy sitting on the other side of the room passed out (or had a seizure) and fell full bodyweight, head first against a metal magazine rack and gouged his head. We all started panicking cause he started groaning and a pool of blood was spreading, but he couldn't move. Just lay as he fell, crumpled on his head. One woman ran out and grabbed a paramedic who was on his way out and dragged him in. It took them 5minutes to move this poor guy. They finally had five others come in and push all the benches and chairs around blocking us in a corner and wheeled in a big stretcher. THen it took 15minutes for a cleaner to come. I had a bit of a panic attack and started crying when it was happening. A couple of people pushed their way out cause they were feeling nauseous watching it. The woman who went for the paramedic asked what the man had been complaining of, and the triage nurse said that he said he had a headache. The only thing the triage nurse does was take BP, pulse, and temp, and collect whatever symptoms the patient volunteers (I sat and watch the triage station alot during my 7+hours of time to kill [which was in a hallway corner with a stack chair and portable computer stand]). I guess she should've done some quick manual neurological tests. But not just this one poor guy, I'm shocked that every severely ill person coming through an ER doesn't die right there. It's terrible.
So it wasn't what I was hoping for. (I've been waiting ages and I didn't want to leave without something being done) But it could've been worse I guess. I've been too scared and tired to try the scary med today, so I'm waiting until tomorrow (so that Monday will be closer then) to try it. I'm really scared.
Blove, EL
Posted by muffled on November 18, 2006, at 12:11:05
In reply to Back ***hospital trig » Lindenblüte, posted by ElaineM on November 18, 2006, at 11:55:16
(((((((((((((((((((((((El)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
You are a sweet and sensitive soul.
Be strong as you can.
Thats nice that you let us know whats going on.
Cuz we care.
Take care, best as you can.
((((((((((((El))))))))))
Muffled
Posted by SatinDoll on November 19, 2006, at 18:24:55
In reply to Re: Back ***hospital trig, posted by muffled on November 18, 2006, at 12:11:05
I am reading your posts, I don't always have any good stuff to add that hasn't already been said, but I care about you, and I want you to be okay.
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 19, 2006, at 21:24:59
In reply to Back ***hospital trig » Lindenblüte, posted by ElaineM on November 18, 2006, at 11:55:16
Hi Elaine,
I hope you decide to take the medicine and I REALLY really hope that it gives you some relief.If it doesn't, at least you know the name of a concerned doctor- the professionals have NOT all given up on you-- I think the new doc is promising. Too bad he's so busy.
how was your weekend?
mine was okay. allergies giving me asthma (wheeze wheeze) but otherwise healthyish and happyish
-Li
Posted by ElaineM on November 20, 2006, at 9:43:37
In reply to Re: Back ***hospital trig » ElaineM, posted by Lindenblüte on November 19, 2006, at 21:24:59
(((((muff))))) Sorry I wasn't up to turning on the computer the last few days. I was in agony and really distracted by that. But its touching that you were thinking of me then.
(((((Li)))))) Yes, you're right. The ER doc has been the best so far. My problem wasn't his specialty but again the younger docs have been more promising. I think they are still concerned with covering all the bases, rather than going on experienced hunches (and stuff like that). I wish he had a regular practise. When I was in the hospital I made friends with a young orthopedic surgeon - he was even wearing a band shirt with his scrub bottoms. He came into my room by accident and ended up talking with me a bit and trying to joke around. He told me to shout his name if I ever needed anything and saw him running by. He checked in on me a few times while I was waiting for my doc to return from his page. I wonder if young docs are better able to remember what it feels like to be scared.
(((((SatinDoll)))) It doesn't matter what's said, it's nice to know you care.Thanks for checking on me you guys. :')
I *did* try the med. It was so scary. It may have had a teeny tiny bit of a difference - though it didn't do what it was supposed to do. But considering my case, I didn't expect that really. God, I was so afraid yesterday. I still feel really ill today, and I'll probably have to try more of it, or go back to the ER doc, if no one else takes over soon.
I called the specialist that ER referred me to but the message said that they don't open the office again until Tuesday. So I have to really work myself up tonight to push my case for an immediate appointment - though I'm not really sure how I'd do that.
I'm so afraid cause my weight is now *quite alot* from mid-October (I'm still officially normal weight though). Obviously, I don't move around, so it's not like I'm excerising or something. I eat as much as I can until I start bringing it back up. I'm still even eating all the junk food stuff too. And I'm quite dilligent with drinking things now - I even switched to decaff teabags cause I don't want to negate anything I manage to get down. I don't understand. And this is f*cking horrible cause ever since I recovered again I get so anxious and frightened when I lose weight. It's so traumatic for a body. I'm pretty scared.
Last week I also sent my final writing assignment to Writing Course Lady. I worked in pretty much exactly what's going on with T and I. Her comments were: "Your character expresses human emotion well. You should enroll again when you're in better health." *sigh* I don't know, I guess it was too cryptic - though it didn't seem that way to me. It's not her fault. It's not her job to hear that sort of thing, so it wasn't her place to do or say more. It *was* supposed to be creative writing too so...
One good thing is the LadyDoc (from school) sent a note with a consultation summary that was sent to her, saying that she hopes I'm better. It really meant alot. I miss her so much. :'(
It means alot you guys ask, especially cause I've only seen T once out of five sessions.
blove, EL
Posted by muffled on November 20, 2006, at 12:46:25
In reply to Monday, posted by ElaineM on November 20, 2006, at 9:43:37
>When I was in the hospital I made friends with a young orthopedic surgeon - he was even wearing a band shirt with his scrub bottoms. He came into my room by accident and ended up talking with me a bit and trying to joke around. He told me to shout his name if I ever needed anything and saw him running by. He checked in on me a few times while I was waiting for my doc to return from his page.
>Thanks for checking on me you guys. :')
>One good thing is the LadyDoc (from school) sent a note with a consultation summary that was sent to her, saying that she hopes I'm better.
**El. I wish I could do something. I admire how you keep on so well. And your writing course! Sounds like it went well.
I just put those excerpts on top, cuz it shows that your not all bad. People like you. Your likable. I like you. Keep at it, best wishes sent your way.
Muffled
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 20, 2006, at 16:28:05
In reply to Monday, posted by ElaineM on November 20, 2006, at 9:43:37
Hey Elaine,
thinking of you
hugs for you- keep taking the medicine- sounds like it works in mysterious ways!And young doctors are the best- they actually want to learn from you, rather than just treating you. Ideally, you'd have an older experienced doc who still wanted to learn from you... but if that's not coming your way, you should let the young docs help you out.
(((((Elaine)))))
-Li
Posted by ElaineM on November 21, 2006, at 9:48:53
In reply to Re: Monday » ElaineM, posted by muffled on November 20, 2006, at 12:46:25
>>>>>I just put those excerpts on top, cuz it shows that your not all bad.
Thanks for pointing that out Muff. Really, I never notice stuff like that as it's happening. I don't think I have radar for goodness.
Though I do wish that kindness didn't have to be associated so much with therapist/hospitals/docs/etc. I wish real life had moments like that too :(blove, EL
Posted by ElaineM on November 21, 2006, at 10:03:17
In reply to Re: Monday » ElaineM, posted by Lindenblüte on November 20, 2006, at 16:28:05
Yes, ((((mysterious ways))))
I had a bad night last night. I think I should take more but I don't know if that's dangerous. I thought I'd need to go back today but I really wanted to have called the specialist first. I phoned this morning and they've switched the automatic message to one saying the office will be closed until NEXT MONDAY!!! What is with Docs and their long vacations! So I'm confused about what to do. I *would* like to hold out as long as possible cause I don't want to be seen as an ER troller. I sometimes get scared because after coping with my "other thing" for a year and the dying teeth, my pain tolerance is quite high. I'm used to a baseline of 5. 5 is my 0. So I don't know when I'm being brave or stupid. But I always have my bag ready to go though, just incase.
I feel a little bad, cause T is getting really sad. He sends messages saying he really really misses me. I was gonna try and make it there tomorrow, but if the pain doesn't improve a little again, then I don't think I could tolerate the commute. I wish I hadn't even mentioned the idea. He's not being demanding or anything. And not trying to guilt me into coming. He's just sad. And even though it's messed up, I kinda miss seeing him. He's the only person I see. It's hard missing so many appointments. Days (and nights) are so terribly long and lonely and boring.
blove, EL
ps. Oooo! One thing is that he saw his T and asked more more frequent sessions!!! Yeh!!! He goes bi-weekly now - which is a HUGE difference from once-a-month checkins. So that's good.
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 21, 2006, at 10:15:54
In reply to Re: Monday » Lindenblüte, posted by ElaineM on November 21, 2006, at 10:03:17
Hey Elaine,
sorry you had a crappy night. You should follow doc's advice on dosing with the scary med. Just do it-- you're strong enough, and if you don't follow doc's advice you may always wonder what could have happened.Your specialist sounds like he's gone for Thanksgiving. maybe he's got relatives to visit or something. If only our symptoms would go on holiday when our doctors do! lol
I'm glad to hear that your "T" has not been giving you too much grief about missing appts. I'm sure you miss having human company. That's so natural, especially when you're feeling poorly. I know it's a poor substitute for conversation, but if you can manage it, maybe you can go to your favorite cafe, and bring a book to read, and order a tea or something, and just sit with PEOPLE!
Maybe you'll overhear a funny conversation, or maybe a nice person will strike up a chat with you. And if you still feel crappy, at least you tried, right? I bet you could even make a routine out of this- leave the house sometime before noon and sit in the cafe sipping (or ignoring) your cup of tea while you read, or type on your computer or just gaze off into space...
This is my favorite "get out of the HOUSE!" activity. cheap, comfy, easy.
well, take care, and enjoy the view from whereever you are :)
hope you get some sunshine today
-Li
Posted by caraher on November 22, 2006, at 13:05:09
In reply to Re: Monday » Lindenblüte, posted by ElaineM on November 21, 2006, at 10:03:17
((((El))))
I wonder if your T is going to therapy because you're not seeing him so much. Let's hope he keeps it up, anyway!
I hope you get the care you need and deserve. I won't be online until late Sunday but I hope I'll see some good news then!
Posted by ElaineM on November 23, 2006, at 12:12:32
In reply to Re: Monday, posted by caraher on November 22, 2006, at 13:05:09
Hi C. I don't really know what his motives ended up being. I went to T yesterday after a long break. I probably shouldn't have cause I could barely walk upright by the time I got home. But it was also very strange. He asked how I was and then very quickly switched to, "Well I've had a busy week so far..." and went into describing things that he's been doing - like a concert and other personal developments. I was not really giving any answers, but I engaged with his stuff a little bit, and then really just sat in silence. He started looking really uncomfortable and then said, "I guess we don't have much to say." I was just like, ?!?!?! A week apart and we have nothing to say? Well, that's probably because I've been throwing up, and at the ER, and hardly sleeping, and..... I could've talked for hours about what this past weekend has been like. THe pain, the anxiety, trying the new med. But he didn't even ask. I volunteered some stuff but then I just thought that if he can't engage a little on his own, is he even hearing anything I'm saying now anyways.
THis break has been strange. He told me that he has a hard time holding an image of me in his head when we have such long periods apart. He asked if I could relate, (and I used to have the same problem before his boundaries fell away completely) but I said "No. Not anymore. Plus I'm so consumed in what's happening to my body right now that I'm often only thinking of myself, and how to eat enough, and how to get through a day [and night :(]" THen he said something like, Yes I seem to always forget how hard this is on you. It's answers like that that I CAN'T stand! I feel like I'm "reminding" him to think of my position so often. I know he does genuinely feel bad for me, and wishes he could take away some of what's wrong, but he keeps "forgetting" my side. So when he keeps saying that he forgets, I get so sad and frustrated cause I don't want to have to be talking about the illness and how it has run me into the ground, and how it's making me have suicidal thoughts, again and again. If I say it once, I want him to remember!! *sigh*
I'm getting to the point where (I'm glad to know that he thinks about me often but) I want to run out of sessions as soon as they start. It's just very sad to me though. Like I've lost the only pretty consistent human contact I have. It's hard thinking of NOT having him, cause he knows me so well. He knows the best (whatever that is), the worst, the disgusting things I've done, had done to me, he knows all my past, he knows of my family, he knows about all of my treatments/therapists before, he knows my health problems and can name the docs I have (and has opinions of each of them). He knows so much. It's a hard thing to just throw away. But I kinda feel it happening now anyways.
And part of me wants him to stay around for a selfish reason: cause he said that if I (god forbid) end up in the hospital over Christmas, that he would come and stay with me. :( THat's my worst fear. The scariest, worst thing that could ever happen. It'd be traumatic enough (considering my history of watching people die in hospitals) but over Christmas! would be too much to endure. :"(
I have an appointment tomorrow with "Full Disclosure Doc" and I'm hoping that my papers have all arrived for her. I hope she has an idea about what to do, and doesn't defer to someone else, again. I've been getting feedback on another board here about brooching the issue of my weight-loss in a way that will be taken as an issue I'm concerned about, and NOT a resurgence of the AN. [like I really have the energy or state of mind to pursue something like that now!] So I'm trying to write out what I need to say to her and how, so I won't just get all upset and lose my words, and motivation, if she says something upsetting. I'm also worried that tomorrow will be another horrible-pain day. But maybe that would be good. I'm usually so concerned with appearing composed, and trying to be brave, that I smile and downplay everything. Maybe she needs to see me breaking to "get" it.
I'm tired. And tired of living like this. I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. I'm lonely and scared. I'm desperate and have so much pain so often. I don't even remember what it feels like to be neutral. I want so very much for something productive to happen tomorrow. I can take alot, but something's gotta give really soon.
blove, EL {strange. I just had a typo and typed "believe" instead of "blove". :') }
ps. Li, I can't often manage to move around to do stuff outside, but a nice thing I *did* get myself to do was make a new Christmas music CD. Christmas always looks like a happier more colorful time - it's destracting in a good way for me. It always had made me feel safer or happier or something during the worst years. So I'm glad it's on it's way.
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 24, 2006, at 16:44:32
In reply to Thursday » caraher, posted by ElaineM on November 23, 2006, at 12:12:32
Hi Elaine,
how are things? Are you listening to your Christmas music?I'm sorry that your T is so distant from you and your stuff. It's natural to grieve, especially after such a long break. He's just not THERE for you. :(
Yes, I think he would come and visit you if you were in the hospital over the holidays, but there's no reason why you couldn't start working with another T also, is there?
believing in you :o)
-Li
Posted by ElaineM on November 24, 2006, at 22:34:49
In reply to Re: Thursday » ElaineM, posted by Lindenblüte on November 24, 2006, at 16:44:32
Thanks for asking, I do have updates but I'm starting to fall asleep typing so I'll do it tomorrow.
>>>but there's no reason why you couldn't start working with another T also, is there?
But in terms of this one point, I do have a message he's sent me that I may need help interpreting. I'll type that tomorrow too.
blove, EL
ps. Yes, I'm listening to Christmas music. The last one I played was Bon Jovi singing "Please come home for Christmas" - tacky huh? *blushing*
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 25, 2006, at 9:02:28
In reply to Friday » Lindenblüte, posted by ElaineM on November 24, 2006, at 22:34:49
hope you slept well zzzZZZzzz
you sound good
Rock on Bon Jovi :D
-Li
Posted by ElaineM on November 25, 2006, at 12:53:26
In reply to Re: Friday » ElaineM, posted by Lindenblüte on November 25, 2006, at 9:02:28
I tend to wake up during the night the past few weeks because of the pain in my side, but I expect it now. It's upsetting, but it's not a shock anymore. Other then that I guess I did sleep okay - at least it was a night I was able to actually fall back asleep.
I do think I sound different. It's true, I am eating slightly better, and walking a little better since taking that medicine last weekend. It didn't work "normally" or completely, it's not a cure, and doesn't provide an explanation, but it's a little alleviation - and I'll take that:-) The pain is still the same though (and still flares up pretty bad - usually at the end of the day), and my mood tends to faciliate according to that. When it's a little better today then I can relax a little more, and hope a little more, and the fear decreases slightly. When two days ago I could barely breathe it hurt so much, that's when I cry out of despair and want to just give in and get everything over with.
It's strange because yesterday was quite upsetting because I had another appointment with "full disclosure doc" that didn't go well at all, but because I was actually feeling a little less pain yesterday, I was able to tolerate that with a little more bravery and composure then I'd normally have. Anyways, I'd update about it, but I did yesterday (I just don't know how to post a link to it). It wasn't too much of a difference: variation on the continuing theme - my charts hadn't arrived still, she didn't think what I was saying was a big deal, and she said she'd send out a referral to the "specialist" she usually refers to (she'd never heard of the guy I went to before). I'm upset with the delays, and how terribly long it takes to get meetings. Though I did tell her that I was afraid that not moving fast enough now would have me in the hospital for Christmas. She seemed to have some empathy there. It's not that I think she thinks I'm lying, I really think that, as a plain old PCP, she just doesn't know what she can do at this point to figure out more about the cause, or alleviate the symptom. But enough about that...I'll save more of my upset for a bad day [can't waste the rare good ones ;-)]
I missed T again though because of yesterday. So I've gone to 3 out of the last 10 meetings. It's really affecting him. He sent me a message Thursday and I don't really understand it - like the underlying message. [I'm still deciding if I should just hold back quoting his email. anxiety, fear of him seeing, guilt...same old, same old. I'll let you know when I decide :-)]
blove, EL
ps. to add to the embarassment, I've acutally been to three Bon Jovi concerts in my life. Lighter-in-the-air and everything! ((((guilty pleasures)))) (((((good past memories))))
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 25, 2006, at 17:55:33
In reply to what's going on » Lindenblüte, posted by ElaineM on November 25, 2006, at 12:53:26
Hey silly,
don't be embarrassed for being a Bon Jovi fan. We used to have a big poster of him in the office. Shrine-like. lol.ahhh the good ol' days.
I think I beat you in the "embarrassing" department.
I saw New Kids On The Block. I was a huge fan, until it wasn't cool anymore. I wonder what happened to my t-shirts... I bet I could wear them these days and people would laugh WITH me, not AT me.
Trying desperately NOT to get this thread "rerouted" to social...
Umm, how do you feel before seeing T? What thoughts are running through your head as you prepare to go (or miss) an appt.?
When you decide to go-- Do you see him out of habit? Ritual? Duty?
When you decide NOT to go-- Do you feel guilt? Relief? Fatigue? Anxiety? Joy?
After you've seen him (lately)-- do you feel more balanced? more introspective? more self-destructive? Stronger? Weaker? happier? lighter? depressed? in pain? surreal? frustrated? angry?
What about when you communicate via e-mail. Do you still mail him updates on you? Are his e-mails to you coming out of the blue, or where you checking up on him, or confirming your appt?
Just wondering what's going on (as usual).
I've got nothing else to do, 'cause I'm on TherapyHoliday and I've already done Part One of my Homework. Perhaps I'll post it later on, if I'm feeling like exposing myself... aaaa!
until then, back to "Bleak House" a very well-done, (but DAAAARRRRKKK) miniseries we rented from the library. Gotta love the BBC :)
ciao bella
-Li
Posted by muffled on November 26, 2006, at 22:55:51
In reply to what's going on » Lindenblüte, posted by ElaineM on November 25, 2006, at 12:53:26
Hang in there El. Thanks for keeping us updated.
You are an amazing person, don't ever forget that.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by ElaineM on November 27, 2006, at 20:09:19
In reply to Re: what's going on » ElaineM, posted by Lindenblüte on November 25, 2006, at 17:55:33
>>>>What thoughts are running through your head as you prepare to go (or miss) an appt.?
When I go: The way there is so long. The commute will be hard. I hope the silences aren't too awkward. I have someone to vent a bit to about what's going on with me. I will have a witness to what's going on with me physically, and he will try and be sympathetic. I will talk outloud to another human today.
When I don't: The day will be long. I guess I won't see anyone today. I wish I felt more up to going out, even a little (but to be fair, even if it's not to him)
>>>>Do you see him out of habit? Ritual? Duty?
Habit - though I'm not sure it's *always* a bad one. And duty - cause he wants me to come, and I should follow through on my own commitment to going on the days I am actually well enough to do so. But also duty to myself - I think isolation and silence breeds more despair.(if destraction is ever possible, it's helpful)
>>>>>After you've seen him (lately)-- do you feel more balanced? more introspective? more self-destructive? Stronger? Weaker? happier? lighter? depressed? in pain? surreal? frustrated? angry?
There've been times lately where I have left feeling worse (when he doesn't seem to hear me, when we don't talk about my stuff [though my life is pretty empty], when I don't know how to help more with all his pain or ask better things, when I can notice him not responding like how I've heard others describe their T's words/questions here)
Sometimes calmer - when I can vent about doctor stuff, when he helps with that, when my mood is lightest then I feel good that he gets something from our meetings, relieved I've been listened to for a couple of hours, when he says that he'd visit me in the hospital if I ended up there, or drive me places to appointments if I wanted.
>>>>Do you still mail him updates on you?
Yes, when I'm feeling lonely and also have something new and specific to update him on. But I never do to just chit-chat (I'm to lazy and self-centered for that). Though if he seems particularily upset after a meeting I'll usually email the next day to see if he's alright and what he thought was going on.
>>>>Are his e-mails to you coming out of the blue, or where you checking up on him, or confirming your appt?
March or April was the first time he initiated an email exchange, and I remember he noted it and said, "I guess now the shoes on the other foot". Now, it's 90% him who initiates emails. Over the summer it was to ask what I've been doing on my own, see if I want to try something in public together. Then late summer it was him telling me how he felt about me, and what our relationship was, and how he wanted me to respond and say my feelings for him back. Then early Fall it switched to updates and ideas he has on his stuff that we've been working on together. And now he emails to see how I am health-wise, asking if I'm making it to a meeting, and asking if I'm mad at him or if he's pissed me off. Throughout, he always asks if I'm doing alright. And if he thinks a meeting went weird he assumes I think the same, and he emails to ask me.
Lately, he's sent some emails where he's said that he wants to switch the relationship to only social because he said he wanted to "acknowledge that i don't think that i am doing anything 'therapeutic' for you and i'm not being any kind of doctor for you. so then we can still do what we've been doing as friends, not patient-doctor...". THough he's said things since that contradict that. Like, that we can stop keeping track of me as a patient, but that he could still prescribe medication for me.
So that's what's been going on. THe very latest stuff has been a few long emails of his ideas/thoughts which have left me quite hurt and confused (me not being appropriate for "psychotherapy" and it not being worth my while to try a different professional) He said alot of stuff, misunderstood my opinion and feelings on alot of issues that mean something to me, and put some words into my mouth in the process. Not to be mean to me, but just from him really not understanding. I've recently emailed him back a loooooong list of questions and points of view and requests for him to clarify what he means by certain things. Though he emailed me this morning to say that he won't get back to me for a day or two cause he needs to process what I've said and asked, to make sure he responds in a way that won't push me away even more (and that he also has a publishing meeting tomorrow).
So that's that. At some point, I may post a little of what he said and what I thought, cause I do find it confusing and upsetting. Some of the stuff sounds so off the wall to me, I know right away hearing it that you guys here would disagree. And I think I would too - but it's hard when someone you spend so much time with says that they really believe something about you to be true. It makes me wonder. But I'll wait a bit cause this was long.
Other then that, I have an abdominal and an icky ultrasound tomorrow. So I have to fast again - I guess it won't be as difficult now, considering.
blove, EL
ps. Thanks for the nice words Muff. It always helps.
This is the end of the thread.
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