![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 17 to 41 of 66. Go back in thread:
Posted by kerria on November 11, 2006, at 14:53:41
In reply to Re: my friends jumped me :(, posted by rs on November 10, 2006, at 15:26:17
Please don't accuse me of bashing anyone- i was as shocked as they were - i thought they were my friends- i never bash my friends.
The lie was that i don't take anyone's advice- i take everyone's advice- it's a bashing statement.
The thread was about my disability that came through was too low to afford treatment.
What does this have to do with taking advice anyways?It was brought up for the purpose of hurting me- not everyone but some that hurt me- my real friends were as disturbed by what happened as i am - what if the exact thing happened to you- it could? RS- how would you feel if you had conflict inside like i do and no supportive h and no supportive T and they attacked you? wouldn't it feel hurtful to you?
i love my friends- i am so hurt and not only hurt- i'm a terrible terrible mess inside because all my parts agree with the hegative things against me-- tears, i can't live with myself.
tears,
kerria
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 11, 2006, at 14:57:50
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » kerria, posted by Lindenblüte on November 11, 2006, at 0:06:32
Hi Kerria,
don't take all the advice that your friends give you. Sometimes people give bad advice. I have a reputation among my college friends for giving terrible advice. The hilarious thing is that they still come to me for advice. Why? Because my advice is SO bad, that by the time they finish telling my why my advice is bad, they have actually figured out a lot of the problem in the first place.Do you have anyone right now who is keeping you safe? Is your husband someone who you can get comfort from?
I'm so sorry everything is messed up right now. I hope you can weather the storm and stay connected to the things that matter most to you. It's hard to make connections to online folks- you have to trust so much and the more you trust, the more vulnerable you may feel. I hope you will start feeling stronger soon.
You've been through the hardest part, Kerria. These words are things that hurt, but they cannot abuse you. You've survived the worst- and done the best you could. I hope you can move away from the hurting places and move towards a place where you feel comforted and soothed.
-Li
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 11, 2006, at 15:06:56
In reply to rs- i didn't bash anyone - i was bashed. » rs, posted by kerria on November 11, 2006, at 14:53:41
Sometimes even our friends and loved ones say things that hurt us. Maybe they mean well, kind of like a mother who has to clean her child's scrape with peroxide. She does this, knowing that it will sting and burn, but out of love nonetheless.
And sometimes our friends don't know us well enough to know what hurts and what is okay.
Sometimes they are being careless, and forgetful.
Sometimes even our best friends will strike out deliberately- not because they want to inflict damage on us, but because they are hurting SO bad themselves that they don't know any other way to express it than by spreading the pain.
Try to remember that you love your friends, Kerria, and that those deep bonds are stronger than a single conversation. Try to remember the history and the feelings, and when your hurt has subdued a litte, you may be able to understand what happened in a different way.
-Li
oh- you may want to be careful of civility guidelines if you start referring to a particular person who has hurt you, but may be a part of the psycho-babble community. please take care of you, Kerria, try to get some rest and reach out for some comfort in your surroundings.
Posted by kerria on November 11, 2006, at 15:26:31
In reply to Re: my friends jumped me :(, posted by rs on November 10, 2006, at 15:26:17
RS- Haven't i always been a caring person to every person without exception?
When have i not cared about someone- whether they took my advice or not?
i have always cared and not said i was frustrated with anyone. i have always supported - always. i have never bashed you- i don't even know who you are but i would feel so hurt for you if what happened to me happed to you or to anyone else. i have never been a part of that kind of sarcastic posting to anyone in any forum- ask people here if i have been caring with all of my words.
Why do you say that i'm not caring?
i never thought a negative thing about anyone and people attacked me because they were frustrated with me.i'm frustrated with myself enough. and i am a caring person to others- it's myself and parts that there's so much conflict with- that thread made it so unbelievable worse- and now you try to criticize again. It hurts so much. If you were me you would know.
Please write to then and say how hurt their words made me, thanks, and also that my cat is gone so my littles are a mess- you know how hard it is when your pet that you love is lost- it feels so so bad.
Thanks so much,
kerria
Posted by kerria on November 11, 2006, at 17:47:28
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » Lindenblüte, posted by Lindenblüte on November 11, 2006, at 14:57:50
Thank you for not rejecting me Li - and your comforting words. Not everyone at the other forum was involved- but mostly everyone- i found that i had some friends who were also upset about what happened.
The problem is inside me- that's why it hurts so much- it's so hard to live in so much confusion and pain. people are angry if i just say that because it sounds like i'm comparing with everyone else and saying that i think that i'm having the worst time compared to everyone else. Whatever i say is misinterpreted to mean something i didn't intend- or maybe a part did intend and i couldn't help it. Then i say i'm ssssorry- but no one hears. They say i don't take responsibility over what my parts say- then i say i'm sorry again - it isn't heard again.
it's so unbelievable- people are so frustrated with me- what if they WERE me and had to live with me 24/7?
i wish there were someone to help- to make it all better- the forum is a support group i had some friends - it made life so much more possible but then so many people became so frustrated with me (i am frustrated too)
i wish someone could make it all better- i need a healing- hearing all the attacks was too triggering and we're hurt already.The thing about taking advice - i DO take it- some parts don't- we're all split in everything and i can't do any more than we're already doing to get better and the struggle is too hard already. T thought i should think about hospital maybe even. i'm such a separated mess.
Why do you think that someone would follow me here to write that me saying i was hurt was hurting her?
my gosh!
Why is he or she trying to tell me that i don't feel hurt by what happened? i should know- that's why i came for support here. i feel so bad that i don't know what to do.
Things aren't so easy at home - either. and we're so so frantically worried about my cat- my closest accepting loving friend. i need her so much to come home. tears.
Thank you Li for writing to me, not rejecting me.Take care,
kerria
Posted by kerria on November 11, 2006, at 17:55:10
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » kerria, posted by Phillipa on November 10, 2006, at 18:21:10
Thank you Phillipa for not rejecting me.
The lawyer said to go to disability because he doesn't know why it should be so low. i was a stay at home mom for a while too. After i had a job i was struggling with the disability- though i didn't know what it was.
Still $115 a month is lower than anyone and i can't go the t twice a week- the only reason that i applied. i need help- we're too much a mess inside- need to function - family- marriage , life falling apart.Thank you Phillipa for being so accepting always. You're a very cool person,
kerria
Posted by kerria on November 11, 2006, at 18:03:44
In reply to Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » kerria, posted by muffled on November 10, 2006, at 14:27:06
Thank you Muffled for being so nice to me.
i found the new T at the hospital where i see my T- this is a new dr to the trauma program- not that new- but new and in school still i think.
i hope that it works out- i'm so afraid to go- i had to switch to another part to call him. My T doesn't know but we talked a lot about it- getting another T-.i'm very afraid of going- i hope that i can.
That is taking advice of some people on the forum- changing Ts. Everyone doesn't know that i am taking their advice.Thank you Muffled.
Do you see your T once or twice a week?
Take care,
kerria
Posted by rs on November 11, 2006, at 23:10:43
In reply to rs- i didn't bash anyone - i was bashed. » rs, posted by kerria on November 11, 2006, at 14:53:41
Kerria and everyone here I will not post again and if I came across wrong I am sorry.
I care kerria and will not post again.
Caring thoughts.
I am sorry to all of you.
Posted by ClearSkies on November 11, 2006, at 23:28:56
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » Lindenblüte, posted by kerria on November 11, 2006, at 17:47:28
Me neither Kerria. No judgement.
No real understanding either of your parts and how they go in different directions leaving you to deal with all the feelings and the aftereffects of those feelings.I had trouble at another forum where I was uncomfortable to begin with, and then I made a comment on a subject that was apparently not politically correct, and my entire thread went POOF! This single act without any benefit for me to defend myself, just shattered me.
I had been posting there long enough except to meet a few regular contributors, but no one with whom I stay in contact off the boards.
I was puzzled and confused by the quick and undoable act that (to me) invalidated everything I had expressed. I left quite bitter and didn't even try to take a second look to see what it was about theforum that upset me so. Funny things trigger me badly: emoticons (except those made by punctuation; avatars annoy me to no end. And any animation means I probably won't read any of the poster's contributions.
So I'm back where I fee safe. Civility are broad in nature because of the number of boards it has to emcompass.
I'm sorry you feel so badly and have tears. I have been down that road, Kerria, to have felt a sudden change of heart to one that it intolerable.
It's best to move on, T-wise, or at least explore some of your other possibilities for treatment.
At the very least, keep a daily journal chronically your mood states during the course of day. Try to make it a daily habit for six weeks, and it doesn't matter what you write or for how long the journal entry is. I call it my worry borad, my to do list, my accomplishments, the whole bag good and not so good.
SD I read your thread with comcern and care about you. Although I have not been in a similar situation with a health care giver, it is hard for me to imgaine except in many "what if?" scenarios.
Let it go, Let if go, if you cna. Designate a space for journal entry, a quiet place of solitude and uninterrupted time. That wll lesson your anxiety in making the writing at all.
ClearSkies
Posted by Fallsfall on November 12, 2006, at 11:04:00
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » kerria, posted by ClearSkies on November 11, 2006, at 23:28:56
Kerria,
I can hear how upset you are, and I'm so sorry that things are so difficult for you. Can I talk about a couple of things that you mentioned?
SS Disability. There are two kinds - SSDI and SSI.
SSI applies to people who fall below a particular income level (and I believe it is the FAMILY that needs to fall below that income level - so if your husband makes enough money to get your family above that income level, then you wouldn't qualify). The amount of SSI is based on need, not on how much you worked in the past.
SSDI applies to people who have paid into the SS system through their work in the past. You get credit for each $ that you have put in in SS premiums. If you are disabled, then you can draw on this benefit. The amount you get is relative to the amount that you have worked in the past.
It is possible that your family is above the SSI income limits, but that you, yourself, haven't worked much in the past (because you were a housewife). If this is the case, then your SSDI benefit will be low (because it is based on how much you have contributed in premiums, which is based on how much you earned), but you won't qualify for SSI - which supplies living expenses, too.
Medicare. If you are doing therapy on medicare, it helps a lot if you can get a Medi-Gap policy. They pay the other 50%. My Medi-Gap policy costs me $143/month (lots less than my therapy!). Can you apply your $115 to the premium for Medi-Gap? Then you would have your therapy paid for 100%.
Transference. You talk about a poster on the other board thinking that you were like a family member and lashing out at you because of that. These situations are really hard to deal with. On one hand, the person was very hurtful to you. But there may be another side to the story. Often when transference is around, you sort of have to forgive the person, because they were unknowingly taking their anger at someone else out on you. I find this (barely) possible because I try to understand what the other person's motives were.
If someone reminds me of my dad, for instance, I would assume that they would have no tolerance for mistakes. Even if they were the most tolerant person around. Anything they did would be TWISTED in my mind to conform to this idea that they were not tolerant of mistakes. So let's say that you reminded me of my dad... Perhaps you would give me some advice - well meaning, kind, and good advice. Through my transference filters, however, I would hear criticism that I hadn't already done what you were suggesting. I would hear you yelling at me and telling me that I was stupid for not getting it right already. Now, that wouldn't be what you meant at all! But that is what I would hear. So I would get angry at you for criticizing me and not being patient with me. Which would be completely unjustified.
But... Until I could see that I was expecting SO much for you to behave in a certain way that I couldn't possibly see that you WEREN'T behaving that way, I would believe that you were unreasonable. And I would tell you so. Because it would be MY reality that you WERE unreasonable.
I don't know which other forum you were posting on, and I haven't read the exchange. But perhaps it is possible that the other poster was in the middle of this transference thing and attacked you because they PERCEIVED what you had said in a different way than you meant. It is possible that they now recognize what was going on (since they posted that you reminded them of a family member), and recognize that they weren't lashing out at YOU - they were lashing out at their family member, but you got in the middle.
In my experience, when someone says that someone else reminded them of a family member, that is a kind of apology... That they realize that their reaction wasn't towards the person that they hurt. But, unfortunately, lots of times this realization only happens long after the hurt has happened. (Because if they realized it at the time, they never would have hurt the person.) They don't have anything against that person - that person was just in the middle of their own personal struggle.
So maybe the person who hurt you didn't mean to hurt YOU, and realizes that they were hurtful. And maybe the other posters are spending all their effort in comforting the person who hurt you, rather than seeing your side of it. And maybe they should see your side of it. Perhaps they are even trying to see your side of it, but since you are so hurt it is hard for you to see their comments as anything but attacks.
It gets to be quite a mess, doesn't it?
I'm sorry that you were hurt. Truly sorry. Boards like this one (and probably that one) can be important life lines for us. But sometimes life happens on the boards, and the best we can do is try to sort out what people REALLY meant and what they REALLY understood.
Then again, I could be completely off base, and they could be jerks. But I do know that rs is not a jerk, so her comments lead me to think that perhaps there is some misunderstanding going on.
I wish you well.
Posted by kerria on November 12, 2006, at 15:39:37
In reply to Kerria, posted by Fallsfall on November 12, 2006, at 11:04:00
Thank you for responding to me and all the thought and time that you gave to repsond. You're a very caring person.
You're right- it is a mess- the person that realized the transference could care less- she doesn't care that she hurt me despite the fact it wasn't 'meant' for me. She didn't like me i guess- and is new to the board and doesn't know my struggle with attacks like hers at all. She never mentioned anything like being sorry and i know never will.
What about all the other people- who followed her lead to hurt me- it was one upon another- nothing positive at all- i never heard that ever happen anywhere- at any board like this one or that one- to anyone else. i can't read it again- it's too upsetting the first time but i think upwards of fifteen people were posting negative things. Two - one a trusted friend, posted a positive thankfully. No one still said it was wrong. Now no one is allowed to discuss it. That means no one saying that they're sorry. No one cares about me - they think i deserved it and parts of me hurt me now thinking i deserve it too:( i can't get over it- it's part of who i am:(
it feels horrible to be singled out about a part that i already hate- i have parts that make up who i am and i hate when i switch to some parts - especially that part- i don't realize that it happened untill later and i can't remember of control what i'm doing when i'm in that part. Criticism hurts so much- i can't do a thing about it and i already hate that i have this disorder. It's killed all my relationships.
i'm hurt- so hurt about so many different people posting all negative things about me- not one - not three but more like fifteen:( i never saw that happen to anyone before anywhere.
now i have all these people that attacked me for a disorder that i know i already have- i know that my parts are polorized- i hate being them already. i can't stand to live with myself- i can't hear any more criticism for any reason- i already hear too much inside.
The post was about disability- Not SSI. These is my benefit amount- i haven't worked much outside the home- raising kids i guess doesn't count at all. Why is it like that? Can't my h's be shared? How could he have worked if babies had to be alone in the house?i can not afford $134 a month for an added insurance- i barely make enough for bills- and less than $100 a week- mostly under $50 a week. i am unable to get pain under control and am unable to switch into the work person. Starting in Jan after surgery i won't even be working at all for a few months. Hopefully h won't cancel me from his insurance. i'm trying to talk to him about it but he doesn't agree with therapy so it's difficult. one of my kids doesn't even have insurance- that's a priority.
Did you find a T who treats DID who takes disability Medicare? i don't think i can find a T who takes medicare - most of all i called don't take ANY insurance. i can't go to someone who doesn't understand. It's too upsetting for me. i tried before.
i'm so so so tired of having everything be a such a nightmare and a terrible struggle.
one good thing any ways. My kitty cam home last night. i love her so much.
You are so cool Fallsfall. your name is like a water fall.
love,
C.A.
Posted by kerria on November 12, 2006, at 15:51:08
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » kerria, posted by ClearSkies on November 11, 2006, at 23:28:56
Thank you ClearSkies. i'm sorry that you had to go through such an upsetting thing happen there.
Thank you for the advice. It doesn't feel like i'm going to get through it. It is like a lifeline and it's hard when you're as messed up and switching as much as i am not to let support groups hurt identity.
It's scary to have happen. i'm afraid to wake up tomorrow and be afraid to go there. i don't know what to do.Thanks so much for writing Clearskies, it helps so much.
Take care,
kerria
Posted by Phillipa on November 12, 2006, at 18:16:04
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » ClearSkies, posted by kerria on November 12, 2006, at 15:51:08
Kerria who has to go there? Can you tell that part no? Love Phillipa
Posted by kerria on November 12, 2006, at 21:02:16
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » kerria, posted by Phillipa on November 12, 2006, at 18:16:04
> Kerria who has to go there? Can you tell that part no? Love Phillipa
Hi Phillipa,
It's an online support group that we've been going to for a long time- intermittently because sometimes i end up doing so badly that they throw me out- once it was for something someone else said who wanted to get me thrown out. The administration thought i was s. and banned me for a while- i wasn't. People can say anything in a thread- the thread last week had about ninety posts- only a few were mine- mostly they posted one person after another- then others joined in that i never even heard of before saying mean things.
i'm so hurt- i wish someone would help staighten out the unfair thingssss- the wrong things - the mean things so i can go back.
i think most don't want me back. tears.
the girl who is new who said the worst things to me - the sarcastic things just to hurt me said that she would never take back what she said- i feel so hurt by her. i wonder why she's so mean to me- she doesn't even know me. i was the first person who welcomed her to the site and i never had any disagreement with her or anyone else there ever.
There's not a place at a support group for hurting people- we're already hurt- that's why we go.
She's different- and the others are saying that's good. 'be yourself' (even if it hurts me- i don't matter to them) tears .so many things are going wrong in my life now- i need support from somewhere- i'm leaving T- not a very supportive T but the only one who talks to my parts- who knows me. i feel so terrible. the pain is so bad that i couldn't manage to go to church- or anywhere- it's so triggering- i feel so sad and hurt like i was just a.
There's no one to understandPhillipa, i never had a time when things were so dark- so many bad things at the same time.
not a lot of persons know what it's like to have to live with separate parts. it's hard not going there. then no one understands anywhere. Even T doesn't understand like a person with parts does.
it makes it easier to take living with all the misunderstanding and the mess.
Now the support group is the mess too. we have no where.
i feelso left out. so much will change with every day. i'm so depressed about so many things.
Phillipa,
you're a friend to everyone. thank you for caring to talk to me. sorry i'm so depressed.
i hope that things are ok with you.
Thanks so much for listening,
kerria
Posted by Phillipa on November 12, 2006, at 21:24:10
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » kerria, posted by Phillipa on November 12, 2006, at 18:16:04
Well I can't say I'm in your shoes but I know a bit about DID and the pain that it causes. Maybe if all the parts went back since the Kerria likes this support group other parts could begin to heal. And the therapist is probably confused if you change parts when you're there. I know money is a factor so you need the online support groups. Have you googled a DID one or is this the only one. I'm here for you and I'm not mean and would never be mean to Kerria or one of her parts. Love Phillipa let me know how it goes.
Posted by kerria on November 12, 2006, at 23:00:48
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » Phillipa, posted by Phillipa on November 12, 2006, at 21:24:10
Tonight i went back and read what people there wrote to me. It was evident that they didn't care that i was so hurt- i wrote to say how devastated i was- that i wasn't able to go to work because i was so upset- no one cared at all.
It was never talked about- the fact that people hurt me- they went on how it was transference , etc but no one thought about me and how i ended up afterwards.
:( no one even mentioned me in a caring way - just in a critcal way, defending what they said, saying that they wouldn't take it back, that it was justified because of the way they thought i was.
i shouldn't go back because they don't want me there.i have about three friends - but everyone else doesn't care what happpens to me. i feel so hurt because i knew some for six years or more and care about them and what happens to them. It wwould hurt me too much when they do it again:( i need to give it up, my source of support. maybe i can just write in the member to member section. it's so saad- because in the other forum people write about DID and that's the only place i can ever share about most things.
i hate having the struggles and misunderstandings. People twisted my words- i never meant what they wrote that i said. It was a totally different meaning. i was so misunderstood. it's killing me- reading how much misunderstanding that's there hurts and frustrates me so much. i can never be understood there . i wish the persons who misundersstood would care and would try to see what i really meant. It's clear if they didn't make the presumptions that were made. everyone presumed the worst possible thing about me.:(
Now that's what they left thinking about me- after knowing them for six years. i feel like dying:(i can never correct the misunderstanding in that long thread ever. It's not allowed to talk about.
If only people cared enough to listen to what i said beyond the words. So many places i didn't mean what they said that i meant. Someone even thought that i wished my pain on them- i was just trying to say that there's a part that is strong- that i'm not all weak and helpless all the time. She misunderstood so much. i said "If anyone had the pain i have for twenty minutes they wouldn't think that i was always so helpless/ never growing, etc and she took it to mean that i wished someone else had pain. It was unbelievable how much i was misunderstood. i would never say anything or think anything like that ever.
Why did this happen to me?tears i can't accept what happened. tears. i feel so bad i want everything to stop.
It was a disaster and such a terrible loss for me. it feels like i can never recover. tears.
i'm crying all night here- i hate my life. i have to see this new T tomorrow. i'm a wreck- i don't want to go- i'm losing my T- he's probably found out and is upset i didn't tell him.my heart is so broken that i'm not there for my kids the way they need me- i'm always such a mess- so apart. They deserve the best mom- not someone like me. Especially now- having a terribly difficult time- need support too. so much is wrong.
thank you Philippa for listening.
i wish there was a way to change everything that is wrong,
take care,
kerria
Posted by Phillipa on November 13, 2006, at 18:01:23
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » Phillipa, posted by Phillipa on November 12, 2006, at 21:24:10
Do they have something like babblemail there? If so maybe you could explain to people separately in different mail. I know it would take a long time. But if six are important maybe them? Do you ever exchange e-mails? That could be a way to stay in touch with your friends. I'm sure you're a wonderful caring Mom to your kids too. Love Phillipa
Posted by kerria on November 13, 2006, at 18:51:15
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » Phillipa, posted by Phillipa on November 13, 2006, at 18:01:23
Thank you Phillipa.
No there is not sharing of emails or anything like babble mail there.
i'm not blocked from going there - but i'm afraid to go there because no one is sorry that they said the mean things and anyone can write to me. i was posting when a friend- thank God that i have some friends there - only a small few of the people i thought were my friends. The rest are so against me:(
it hurts still - i'm a mess still. i was writing in the Member to Member - a friend wrote to me there and some friends wrote so i could communicate with them but the moderstor closed the thread:( saying that we shouldn't talk about the thread- we weren't anymore- but she closed the thread anyways. i can't understand why- we were not discussing the thread where i was attacked. my friend changed the subject even saying we wouldn't talk about it. She still closed the thread.
i'm, too afraid- there's so much pain there- so much negativity towards me - why? i never was negative to anyone.
tears.
Why is everything so hard for me?
tears,
someone talked to me- sent babblemail here to me and i thought that the Member to Member thread wasn't closed- that the moderstor just warned us just in case anyone brought it up again- i don't know why it would be off limits to me to discuss it- i wasn't the one who said anything wrong- i only defended myself, reminding how i was always supportive of everyone there. and why are they doing this to me?Phillipa, i saw the new T today- i was so so late- i was upset because of the babblemail i got and took time answering it- over 30 min late of an hour and a half appt.
New T was ok- it felt so bad and impersonal to sign all the stupid papers you have to sign- my life is all apart and i have papers about all the rules and regulations of therapy.
i'm in so much need for a T to help me:(
i wish i wasn't late but it doesn't help to wish or do anything - i get lost- whatever will happen anyways- i wish i were someone elsewith a capacity to do therapy.tears
kerria
Posted by Phillipa on November 13, 2006, at 20:24:24
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » Phillipa, posted by kerria on November 13, 2006, at 18:51:15
Kerria I'm glad you like the new T that's good. So you were late. The first time many get lost even with good directions. So no way you can e-mail each other. Where is this site. I'd like to just look . Love Phillipa your and your parts friend.
Posted by kerria on November 13, 2006, at 21:56:05
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » Phillipa, posted by kerria on November 13, 2006, at 18:51:15
i didn't even say who the person was that talked to me- but just because i said to you that i talked to someone - that person is upset and told me never to write to them again and that they want out of it. Out of being a friend to me? out of what?
why? Why is everyone treating me as if i'm not a friend?
i never mentioned any names- they even did-i forgave them- i didn't even think any bad thing at all about anyone at all. i need friends who won't reject me. Rejection is so hard - i can't take all the rejection.tears.
ever the T today was so business-like it felt like rejection.
teras. i don't know why anyone would read something i wrote to you Phillipa anyways and i never mentioned any names. Why? Is this happening to me?
i can't say anything .tears,
kerria
Posted by Dr. Bob on November 13, 2006, at 23:38:57
In reply to Re: rs- i didn't bash anyone - i was bashed. » kerria, posted by rs on November 11, 2006, at 23:10:43
> Kerria and everyone here I will not post again and if I came across wrong I am sorry.
Thanks for apologizing, and you're welcome to post again if you'd like.
Bob
Posted by Dr. Bob on November 13, 2006, at 23:39:01
In reply to Re: Kerria » Fallsfall, posted by kerria on November 12, 2006, at 15:39:37
> i hate when i switch to some parts - especially that part- i don't realize that it happened untill later and i can't remember of control what i'm doing when i'm in that part.
>
> i already hate that i have this disorder. It's killed all my relationships.
>
> i know that my parts are polorized- i hate being them already. i can't stand to live with myself- i can't hear any more criticism for any reason- i already hear too much inside.
>
> i'm so so so tired of having everything be a such a nightmare and a terrible struggle.I'm sorry it's rough for you right now. It sounds like you feel hurt and unloved. Expressing that with I-statements like the above is fine.
> the person that realized the transference could care less- she doesn't care that she hurt me ... She didn't like me i guess
>
> No one cares about me - they think i deserved it
>
> all these people that attacked meBut please be sensitive to the feelings of others (such as those who use other sites). You-statements like the above can be problematic.
But please don't take this personally, this doesn't mean I don't like you or think you're a bad person.
If you or others have questions about this or about posting policies in general, or are interested in alternative ways of expressing yourself, please first see the FAQ:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#enforceFollow-ups regarding these issues should be redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration. They, as well as replies to the above posts, should of course themselves be civil.
Thanks,
Bob
Posted by cassie17 on November 14, 2006, at 13:43:16
In reply to Re: my friends jumped me :( » kerria, posted by Phillipa on November 7, 2006, at 11:52:19
Kerria, I think what you are not considering is that most people on that thread were only objecting to the way you'd deny saying specific things, like in several posts, you'd write things that were all in the vein of "Noone has every had this happen to them, nobody has ever had such horrible things happen" and when people brought up those phrases in your posts, you'd write back that you'd never said those things and why were they telling lies about you? So when people quoted your old posts for these times, you took it as a personal attack, instead of just admitting that you'd written that and going on from there.
I just wouldn't want people to get the wrong idea of that other forum. Several of the people who posted were out of line and angry for reasons that had to do with themselves, but your posts regularly got 80 or 90 responses each, and the bulk of those people (10 -20 people) were NOT attacking you, were trying to encourage you to get away from (what you'd described as) an abusive T, to get away from (what you'd described as) an abusive husband. MANY of the responses were positive, and it felt like you only chose to see and respond to the negatives.
You asked what you could do? There were wonderful questions that a forum member took a bunch of time to write out to you, very thoughtful questions (from Zippy) and I think that's the kind of positive stuff that forum members hoped you would be able to work with.
(I just didn't feel it was completely fair to say that so many people jumped you, we didn't. Several people were WRONG and ABUSIVE, and I don't think they should have closed your M+M thread, I REALLY don't agree with that, and I don't agree with the way the mods treated your posts. and alot of the Mods decisions with your posts led me to look for other forums too. Have you checked out Pandora's Aquarium? It is a very positive healing place.)
I hope you can find peace with all of the emotions coming up for you,
Cassie, (known as meg9)
Posted by kerria on November 14, 2006, at 17:07:50
In reply to Re: my friends jumped me :(, posted by cassie17 on November 14, 2006, at 13:43:16
Hi,
i don't know if i know you or not- it's confusing when people change their name for different forums. it's a good ides i think and i should have done that also - if i did i wouldn't have been so noticed - it hasn't been helpful to me - i feel worse every day.
It is so scary to read my words- the fact that anyone brings up old posts at an upsetting time is a nightmare to me- not like a nightmare - worse than a nightmare- because it's so upsetting. it's upsetting having parts and realizing that you are separate.
Even when Dr Bob brought up my recent posts it was so upsetting for me to read- i cried for hours and wasn't ab't to function well enough to do the things i planned- i was so afraid on a strrt corner away- far away from m,y home- i lost time and found myself unable to cope at all with where i was and paniccked.
It's been such an upsetting day.
i think i'm not doing well enough to write at forums- i need support but things like reading my own writing is so upsetting for me. i still have such a hard time knowing that i have parts.
Reading something that's different from what you write like is upsetting, isn't it?
i never remember saying or thinking that no one has had things like this happen to them- some people have- i don't know why it's such a big deal and others dislike that about me- i can tell them worse things about myself than that.
Honestly i don't ever compare myself with anyone - i really don't. i don't even compare myself with myself.
i know and have compassion on everyone that is having such a hard time- i write to people a lot when i 'm doing a little better to only encourage and give hugs if ok- i must have given a thousand hugs- i meant from my heart because i know how terrible it is to feel alone in your suffering and how it is to have no friends . Some people have no other support than forums- no T or way to have therapy- it's really hard for everyone.
i think that- i don't say it often enough i guess but i don't remmeber anyone else saying things like that either- and no one criticizes them. i am totally confused at why people think that i feel that i have things worse than everyone else.
i know that that isn't true- i don't ever compare- like i said- it's useless to compare- i have compassion- and i have so much more compassion on others than they have on me ifff you could see into my heart. That's why i never say anything negative to anyone, it's because i know they're having a hard time- and i don't want to make it worse.
i want to be there for people that have no one that understands what their going through.i honestly do.
It's been a terrible day- i'm not doing well- if something come out bad- please disregard- i'm having a hard time with everything- with going on another day. i feel rejected and don't know what to do about how i can't control what i'm doing- can't get to anywhere on time. Overwhelmed with the failure that i am as a mother and a wife- my d. said she hated me today and i hate myself so much and the other parts feel scared and hurt.and i miss the support group and still don't know why there was so much negativity- please read it again- i did. It was even more negative than i thought before.
Have you ever heard things that were so negative ever said to anyone at that forum before?
i haven't,
and i have never read anything here against someone- no one is allowed to sigle someone out and say things like "You never take any advice" etc . i do take almost all the advice.i still can't journal- i 'm terrified to read my writing- but i did everything else- i saw a new T yesterrtday. The appt and all the calling was made for months before- people still are angry because i ''didn't do it' and i did!
It's so confusing- it's so much misunderstanding. i think that a lot of people need a villian- and they wanted to make someone take the heat from all the things anyone had done wrong so they picked me. i don't know why- maybe people hate my parts as much as i do sometimes- i'm trying to see something worth going on for.
TEARS,
kerria-- i want to change my name- i want to be like everyone else. or i want to be nobody. i never want to come again. the criticism is to terrible. i hate myself . i already hate my writinplease don't put it in my face- please- it's torture to me and makes me feel s.i'll try not to write about others and just say 'i
i do feel unloved- not only- i feel hated.i do feel rejected- i reject myself also and am afraid to live with myself.
i feel that i messed up my life and my family. i wish i never lived.
is that better?
i know everyone struggles with feeling like that- and some can't see or walk- have even worse pain than mine. It dodn't make me feel any better- i can understand and be there for them - hopefully someone can make it- we can make it together.
tears,
kerria
Posted by kerria on November 15, 2006, at 17:26:42
In reply to Re: my friends jumped me :(, posted by cassie17 on November 14, 2006, at 13:43:16
Cassie/meg
Now that i explained how upsetting it is to see my own writing does it help you understand why i wasn't able to ackowledge old posts, -i don't remember at all anything about that.Does it help now?
You agree that SEVERAL people were wrong and abusive to me. Why did no one address that? Is it ok with you?
Why is it ok that they abused me?
Would it be ok if they abused you?
i wouldn't go along with it or be a part of it against anyone.
i am still so hurt that it was ok with people and it was never address to me- in fact you are the only person that every told me that there were posts that were abusive.i feel that some think i deserved it- it hurts a lot- because it's so hard to look at my own writing. i've been through so much rejection already.
i wish i could totally forget except i know that it can happen again when i do that. i'm in a bad place - no one should feel like this . having a very hard time. i wish someone could help me.
i feel so upset- i'm taking diazapam but i'm still so upset . There's so much internal criticism and external criticism in my life- it makes it so hard to do anything.Why doesn't one person say they feel bad for me?
Not that i care so much about sympathy- i don't even know you or anyone irl- but the fact that two people came here to say how bad that they feel for 'everyone' - including the ones who were abusive to me- when they are going to be fine- they are all ok- there's no internal or outside mess- my life is a nightmare- literally because it has upset me so much and not one person cares about the lasting effect on me. i'm not ok- i'm not going to be ok.tears,
kerria
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