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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by muffled on October 23, 2006, at 9:48:09
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » muffled, posted by kerria on October 23, 2006, at 8:50:32
> Some people with DID are ok i guess with seeing what their parts write but it's too hard for me still. i wish that i can find a T who can help me.
***Its ok Kerria. I can understand that you would need to have a T you can feel safe with to do this.
>
> teras. i'm so afraid that i'll have to live in this torture forever- that no one will be able to help me. i hate that i'm so much a mess. eeverything is so hard to do. my relationships are all a mess irl. i can't find a T who can help and the T who knows me doesn't want me as a client- he still hasn't called me back. i feel so upset that i have to have all these hard things happen- the surgery- decide which to get- it seems like choosing the torture i want :(***:-( Sorry its so hard for you right now :-(
But I don't beleive this torture is forever. I beleive you will have some healing. You just need to have a T you can feel safe and trusting with to do this. I can see as how your younger parts would not wanto work with a T that comes acreoss as uncaring.
>
> so upset- the appt with dr is today and i'm a mess.***Try and get a happy thot to cling to? A safe place in your mind you can goto. I have a cave that is safe. I also have a mossy fun forest area for a certain younger part to play in. They can goto those places. They are safe places. Noone can hurt them there.
>
> my h has been away- visiting his family in another state. i'm afraid to leave the house but i have to go to work soon.***Kerria, I think its amazing how you are able to work as much as you do. Its no doubt a necessity, but give yourself some credit. You have strength.
Just keep going.
My thots are with you.
All I can suggest really is try visualizations(imaginining yourself in a safe place)(or imagininng that someone safe is with you-how bout some babblers holding your hand?)
Take special care,
You can do this.
Could you phone T for referral? Mebbe to female T?
((((((Kerria)))))-if you want hugs that is.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on October 23, 2006, at 9:54:13
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » muffled, posted by kerria on October 23, 2006, at 9:45:41
Posted by Phillipa on October 23, 2006, at 19:51:22
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by muffled on October 23, 2006, at 9:48:09
Kerria I was thinking the same thing with so many parts and so many being young how do you work? Love Phillipa
Posted by kerria on October 23, 2006, at 22:08:41
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears, posted by Phillipa on October 23, 2006, at 19:51:22
Phillipa,
i don't know how i work- it's like going into a black hole- i don't remember almost anything about it - mostly just going through the door- or walking up to the garage and feeling stronger. The work part comes and later we come home.
i was so late for work- and after work i didn't get home in time to go to the drs appt. we were afraid to go anyways.Work feels like the strongest part but i can't feel like her until i get there:(
my T called today - he left a message to schedule appt when it would be good for both of us. i never care when it is as much as all that- i still can't understand why he was so ANGRY with me when i needed to talk to him, how he said "Go to the er then- so mean and angry- tears. i don't know how to get a new T or talk to my T anymore:( it's too hard- i can't talk to anyone who's angry like that and i need a T very badly that will be patient enough to be there the few times a year that i call.
my T doesn't care about me.T talks to the work part- it feels good to be her- i wouldn't want to ever leave work- it's my strongestr part. i can't make her come- we have to be at work or at t and T talks to her and i become her. It's so weird like that - i'm so weird- so separated:(
i wish i had a T that cared about me.
Thank you Phillipa for listening. i feel so alone and i don't think i will ever find a T or that i will ever get better- more aaaable to function like a big person.
kerria
Posted by Phillipa on October 23, 2006, at 22:29:56
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by muffled on October 23, 2006, at 9:48:09
Kerria so at home you are the child? And at work the adult? Can you pretend when you're home that you are at work? And integrate slowly? Love Phillipa
Posted by kerria on October 24, 2006, at 9:24:56
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » muffled, posted by Phillipa on October 23, 2006, at 22:29:56
No- there is not just one child and one adult and i'm not a child at home all the time. i can't tell when i switch. It's upsetting to read my writing and to have it pointed out to me so i don't know my parts - i can't realize that i switch either- sometimes i find out later- sometimes i can remember later but i switch throughout the day.
it feels like who i am keeps changing.
i never even knew that i had the problem until someone noticed- a teacher at school when i had gone back to college.
It's impossible to make myself switch. How would changing places of parts mmake someone intergrated anyways? i don't understand.
i'm not trying to change that now. i'm just trying to live like you- have pain treated, make money to pay bills, etc. i need a T because i was unfortunate enough not to have had a good childhood and it's so much harder to do those things because i can't make myself act right. It's out of control and i need help. i wish i could find a T that cares about me to help.
i wish i could even look.
kerria:(
Posted by muffled on October 24, 2006, at 9:31:15
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » Phillipa, posted by kerria on October 24, 2006, at 9:24:56
Posted by Phillipa on October 24, 2006, at 21:21:44
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » Phillipa, posted by kerria on October 24, 2006, at 9:24:56
kerria I'm just getting to know you. Forgive me for further hurting you. It was not my intention. I'd help you find a therapist but I can't even find a good one for myself. You're doing great working, making money all the while with a therapist you feel doesn't care. I'm so proud of you. Love Phillipa
Posted by kerria on October 24, 2006, at 23:23:55
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by Phillipa on October 24, 2006, at 21:21:44
(((((Phillipa)))))
you didn't hurt me - i was just saying how it is- i don't like how it is inside- there's so many things wrong. i'm unhappy about it and frustrated. it's not what you said- i don't like explaining how much a mess it is inside and don't like have this disorder.i'm sorry- i sounded the discouragement about it towards you. i know you didn't mean to hurt me - i'm just a mess- it's so frustrating. i almost don't even work at all- just a few hours a week most of the time.
love,
kerria
Posted by Phillipa on October 24, 2006, at 23:42:30
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » Phillipa, posted by kerria on October 24, 2006, at 23:23:55
Kerria that's great the working. I'm not even doing that' It must take courage to go and work. do you have any pointer for me as I'd love to work a few hours a week too. love Phillipa
Posted by kerria on October 25, 2006, at 14:49:46
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by Phillipa on October 24, 2006, at 23:42:30
Hi Phillipa,
It's my job- they're very lenient to have me come in late- although we've been spoken to just a short time ago when my schedule became so erratic- when i began having a lot of trouble with switching into the work part and losing time. Lately i'm getting afraid to leave the house also.
My work has been so good to allow me to stay- they do because i can some things that others don't know how to or aren't as good at. The part that studies horticulture is really an expert - learned so much at college classes and on her own.
Work also doesn't have to pay us when we're not there- and no benefits for pt time people, so i'm a cheap person. not so easy for me- finances are a wreck. i'd love to get better and work more hours -
Also it's my best part maybe. The one that doesn't have DID. You know what i mean- i don't think she thinks so too.love,
kerria
Posted by Phillipa on October 25, 2006, at 19:52:33
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » Phillipa, posted by kerria on October 25, 2006, at 14:49:46
Kerria I think she's and the others are wonderful people. Love Phillipa
Posted by kerria on October 26, 2006, at 14:12:37
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by Phillipa on October 25, 2006, at 19:52:33
> Kerria I think she's and the others are wonderful people. Love Phillipa
Thank you Phillipa. Why do you think that it's so impossibly hard for me to find a T who cares about me?i've been trying to find a different T for a while- off and on for the last four years and i can't find anyone. The last T demanded to talk to myT first or she wouldn't give me an appt. After she saw me she wouldn't take me.
i think i really need to find another T but it's so hard. i feel so rejected by this T and it's been impossible to find someone else.
Everyone in this specialty- (and i need to go to a traaauma specialist because of the problem of switching) in my area knows one another. i think that i have the reputation of being a hard patient.
i'm so discourged because i think i won't be able to find another T. In the past it didn't work out
:(i think that you are a really cool person also.
love,
kerria
Posted by Phillipa on October 26, 2006, at 19:58:34
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » Phillipa, posted by kerria on October 26, 2006, at 14:12:37
Kerria sometimes I don't think there are those therapists who spend time thinking about us. Only when in our appointment time. You say you see a specialist for those with DID? And why are you difficult? Love Phillipa
Posted by kerria on October 27, 2006, at 22:53:57
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by Phillipa on October 26, 2006, at 19:58:34
The T i went ti was a DID specialist. He said i was a hard patient. He won't even call me back after being so angry and swearing at me about scheduling. tears.
i feel like i have no closure. Like my father getting so angry and T used the same choice of words- i feel so triggered - because i have no closure with him either.
tears tears i called T twce today. it took a lot of guts to call him after that but i did. no response . tears. i feel so helpless. i feel so so upset. tears.
it's exactly like torture. i have no idea why he was so angry and now still won't call me back. he probably forgot my name- i have so many. tears. After sixxx + years he forgot me.
Why did he get so angry with me? and why won't he call me back. ?
It's so cruel to do to someone- i've beeen calling around. no help . but i NEED CLOSURE.tears,
kerria
Posted by kerria on October 27, 2006, at 22:55:39
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by Phillipa on October 26, 2006, at 19:58:34
tears. i can't live with myself.
tears,
kerria
Posted by Phillipa on October 27, 2006, at 23:12:13
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » Phillipa, posted by kerria on October 27, 2006, at 22:53:57
Kerria yes you need closure. Do you have another appointment with him I forgot. Sorry my mind just forgets things at time. I'm so sorry for you and I'm sorry for the hurt. Love Phillipa
Posted by kerria on October 27, 2006, at 23:34:04
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by Phillipa on October 27, 2006, at 23:12:13
No- of course i don't. T won't call me back.
Posted by sunnydays on October 28, 2006, at 9:57:29
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears, posted by kerria on October 27, 2006, at 23:34:04
kerria, I'm so so sorry things are so hard for you right now. But hang in there, please. You called him on a Friday - give him at least until the end of the day Tuesday to call you back in case he took a long weekend for some reason. And hang in there. I know life seems hard, but it won't always be quite this hard. Keep trying.
((((((kerria))))))
sunnydays
Posted by kerria on October 28, 2006, at 16:13:20
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by sunnydays on October 28, 2006, at 9:57:29
> kerria, I'm so so sorry things are so hard for you right now. But hang in there, please. You called him on a Friday - give him at least until the end of the day Tuesday to call you back in case he took a long weekend for some reason. And hang in there. I know life seems hard, but it won't always be quite this hard. Keep trying.
>
> ((((((kerria))))))
> Life isn't hard- it's impossible.It doesn't seem hard- i can't get out of the house - i cry on the couch in physical and emotional pain.
Inside is so upset- there's so much physical pain that's triggering me and knowing that mt T said those things to me and doesn't care about what i said on the messages yesterday hurts so much.
Everything is at a standstill- i can't make the decision about the surgery - i can't even go out of the house . i can't live with myself.
i don't think that i can ever find a T who can help me. my h doesn't love me - wants a divorce. we've been with this T since dx with DID almost six years and nine months and parts are devastated with losing him, that he doesn't care.
hearing from him on Tuesday won't matter. If he's still so angry and yells at me- says more hurtful things it will make things worse. The fact that he didn't respond to my calls - telling him how messed up i am now because of his rage a week ago is not a good sign.
what if it was YOUR T that sweared and yelled at you because of you being a scheduling problem.
i don't fit in with my T. He triggered me into this hell i can't get out of.
kerria
> sunnydays
Posted by muffled on October 28, 2006, at 18:28:40
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » sunnydays, posted by kerria on October 28, 2006, at 16:13:20
Well it sure sounds like you got a bad T all right.
Though I still hope maybe there is just some miscommunication somewhere...
His behavior seems TOTALLY irresponsible. Completely unprofessional. To the point that it should be reported. But of course you are not in a position to do that at this time.
I can only imagine that he has something personal going on. That usu. seems to be the case in these things. Our T's are human and have their own sh*t going on too, and right or wrong, sometimes it ends up affecting clients...
So don't personalize it upon yourself that you have done something wrong.
Meantime, you are in a tough situation.
I dunno WHAT its like to have no communication btwn parts.
I wish you could ahve more faith in your parts.
That there's ones who can help.
THATS why you have parts. Some hold stuff, some do stuff the others can't do.
It is perplexing that after 6 yrs. your T hasn't managed to have ANY communication going on....
I think, like El, if you are having trouble finding help, that mebbe you could get a counsellor, or social worker, to help advocate for you, and help offer you some support in finding a new T.
I goto a pastoral counsellor, she don't have tons of training, but she learns on the go. She is SO game to try anything. I think its got ALOT to do with her faith.
She IS very careful too though.
I just say this so you can see that if you can't find a T to necc. TREAT you at this time, mebbe you can find a T. to SUPPORT you thru this time until you find a T to treat your dissociation.
I'm sorry your hurting so bad,
But PLEASE try and find a T to help thru this time.
Muffled
Posted by sunnydays on October 28, 2006, at 18:43:38
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » sunnydays, posted by kerria on October 28, 2006, at 16:13:20
I'm sorry if my post hurt you further kerria. I just feel so much empathy for you that I was kind of grasping at straws trying to think of a way to help.
I would be devastated if my T swore at me and it would take a lot of work on both our parts to overcome it. I'm sorry your T did that to you. It is absolutely not right and I think he needs to really apologize to you and work hard to help you and regain your trust. If he can't do that, I think muffled's suggestions are really good.
Try to do one thing you like doing today, even if it's just wrapping up in a soft blanket. You deserve something nice.
sunnydays
Posted by kerria on October 29, 2006, at 0:27:33
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by sunnydays on October 28, 2006, at 18:43:38
(((((sunnydays)))),
i'm sorry. i don't think my T will apologize. i can't understand why he was angry. i think he doesn't want to deal with it. i knew he didn't care about me. Now i have no one to help me- but he wasn't helping me i guess anyways. i wish there were someone on my side irl- everything is so hard now, i'm not functioning ok- it's so hard to live this way. Everytime people are critical it makes me hate myself so much. it makes me hate myself that T was angry. That's why it's so hard to let go of it and forget it.
tears,
kerria
everything is wrong- it 's like i stepped off the world and everything's wrong.
Posted by kerria on October 29, 2006, at 0:33:40
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by muffled on October 28, 2006, at 18:28:40
(((((Muffled)))))
too bad that everyone at my church would say i had demons:( no pastoral counselor there.i can't go to a T for supportive therapy. i tried before. They end up upsetting parts because of not being aware of them. i don't know my parts - a counselor will ask questions that lead other parts to say things that upset me too much because i can't hear them. it's hard to explain- it just doesn't work out if who i see for t doesn't talk to parts separately.
i'm not in a good place :(
kerria
Posted by muffled on October 29, 2006, at 1:50:40
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » muffled, posted by kerria on October 29, 2006, at 0:33:40
> (((((Muffled)))))
> too bad that everyone at my church would say i had demons:( no pastoral counselor there.***your church isn't the only source
>
> i can't go to a T for supportive therapy. i tried before. They end up upsetting parts because of not being aware of them. i don't know my parts - a counselor will ask questions that lead other parts to say things that upset me too much because i can't hear them. it's hard to explain- it just doesn't work out if who i see for t doesn't talk to parts separately.***Can you write a letter in advance that says something like:
I am desparate. I am diagnosed DID. I do not know always what I am saying. I can get quite confused and upset when diff parts are around. I just need someone to help me to find a T that will be able to treat my DID. My 'present' T does not seem to have interest in treating me, and hasn't helped me anyways, after many years of treatment.
Can you help me do this.
I need help to do this.
I get too mixed up in my parts to deal with this.
>
> i'm not in a good place :(*** I'm sorry Kerria.
Your T won't refer you? Have you asked him that ?
Take care,
Muffled
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