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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Dinah on October 20, 2006, at 9:50:37
In reply to Now T emailed with his address. tears, posted by kerria on October 20, 2006, at 7:46:32
From what I can gather, it seems probably that he's angry with your husband perhaps? Or the situation?
I find that my therapist gets cooler and cooler as I get more and more emotional. He might well feel sorry or embarassed that he behaved so unprofessionally. But depending on who he is, he might not express that regret in a way that is really soothing. Perhaps, to him, sending you the email and the address *was* his idea of an olive branch.
Kerria, I remember in the past that you were in a pretty bad state when you tried to terminate. That you had difficulty finding a therapist who suited you? You seemed so distressed at losing your imperfect therapist that I hesitate to suggest that you look for a warmer or more caring therapist. Or at least I would hesitate to suggest that you terminate with this one before you look around and find a warmer or more caring therapist. There's nothing wrong with looking around, but therapists are like jobs. It might be best to have another one, before you leave this one.
I do understand. My therapist is also imperfect. Sometimes I long to find a therapist like Daisy's or Annierose's or Pfinstegg's. But I'm attached to this one. He fills a need that no one else seems able to fill. Just as it sounds as if you need your therapist.
So, pragmatically, I would say to make the appointment, keep in mind that your therapist is who he is, measure what he provides as well as what he sadly is unable to provide, and if you wish, call around to look for someone who can provide more of what you need.
If that makes sense?
I'm not saying what he did was ok. What he did was not ok. It was unprofessional. I don't know what stressors he was under, but *nothing* you did was responsible for his actions. His job involves being able to be professional even when he doesn't feel professional.
But my therapist has acted unprofessionally at times. He has yelled at me. He's told me that at that moment, I was too much for him. He's never cursed at me.
I hope your therapist gets some professional help for the stress he's under, so that he can be a better therapist to you if you decide to stay with him.
Posted by muffled on October 21, 2006, at 2:56:02
In reply to Now T emailed with his address. tears, posted by kerria on October 20, 2006, at 7:46:32
> How can he be so cruel- i'm so afraid to ever see him again.
***Parts of you are afraid, other parts are not...
> > i feel like the last six years of t with him are a waste- i'm so apart- so hurt.**My guess is that its a process to get to know the parts.
I am not so separateted, but it was very confusing(still is really)to figger WHAT was comming from WHO, or WHY, or WHERE. It gets all confusion. And then there's upset and I don't know WHY?
Do you have ANY sense of who there is? Of ANYone inside?> > My h is angry that he gives me the car- why? i feel so abandoned. tears. My T showed his real feelings- he doesn't care about me- tears. How can i go on? He knows how much it upset me- why would he ddo that to me? Why couldn't he talk softly because i'm having such a hard time?
> >
> > How do you all find Ts who care about you?***Yeah, my T cares as far as I know. A part of my T's training is to show unconditional positive regard. So I not sure if she cares cuz she 'supposed' to seem to, or if she REALLY does.
And sometimes my T really has pissed me off. But I have found its worked for us, for me to be able to say that I mad at her, rather than having it mess up our work together. It seems silly, but talking about it helps, even if its not neccessarily resolved to my satisfaction.
> > i don't know what to do - i can't believe it. i heard him and i know he doesn't care about me. He cares about his schedule andd i'm too much trouble to be worth it. tears.**Can you at least give him a chance to explain himself? Have you told your T clearly bout how you've felt about this whole thing? Maybe what w/switching and upsets, you haven't been that clear?
Could you print out these posts and take them in, they are pretty clear, and could give you guys something concrete to work with?
Sometimes I have SO misjudged my T........
> >
> Today T emailed back- with his address and email of the place he works. tears. How can i make an appt- why is he not saying he's sorry for bing in a rage at me and swearing over scheduling? i called him in crisis and he was so angry- it hurts so much. i need him so much to know what i'm doing- i don't have communication with parts.***Why did he do that? Send you his work e-mail? Is he trying to find options for you to communicate with him? Thats seems to be a GOOD thing? Mebbe he's trying. He's a T, but he's a human being too....
>
> Why is he being so impersonal and ignoring what i said- how upset i am that he was in a terrible rageee when i called him in crisis? Why isn't he sorry that he treated me like that?****I don't know why he is being the way he is. But if it were me I'd just ask him flat out WHY?
>
> tears. What can i do now?***Don't give up. You've made it this far. Have some faith in all of you. Faith in the parts that got you this far.
I would ask my T some hard questions....I would e-mail them to him and expect him to discuss the e-mail in my next session.
>
> Who can help me. tears i'm so upset. i can't believe my T is doing this to me TEARS***Kerria can help Kerria. T can proly help Kerria, my Higher Power(God) has helped me, mebbe He can help Kerria too?
Take care Kerria,
Remember, it takes a smart person to have parts. Its a very clever coping mechanism. So that cleverness will help you sort it out too, now that its (thankfully) no longer needed.
Muffled
Posted by kerria on October 22, 2006, at 9:33:47
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by Dinah on October 20, 2006, at 9:50:37
Thank you Dinah. It makes a lot of sense - what you said. i do need T too much to leave now but should try to look for a T that we could take.
Someone that wouldn't hurt me so much as this T does.In practical real world now- it's hard to put your advice into action though. My parts are afraid to see T and i'm not able to communicate with them. It might not be possible, - It's so hard to do things against what i feel inside thaat parts don't want to allow. i might end up not getting to the appt or a huge upset will happen or a terrible migraine so i can't go. There needs to be more agreement or i can't make the appt.
It T would call back and talk to me- and not do these weird things - like email his work address and work email when i've been using his home email like he said to for the past six years.
T is making it impossible for me to see him by doing thiss- i think that he knows me well enough and he's still doing it anyways. i wonder why. Why doesn't he care about me and it hurts ssso much.
i'm so afraid that i'm going to 'lose it' when i go to the surgeon 's soon. i don't have the support for this triggering surgery- inside feels - and has an average age of seven and feels there is no adult to take care of uss. i can't even communicate to parts. h won't even be here- out of state now. So much is so hard now. my pain meds aren't working an parts feel like they were just p.a and s.a. now. It's so hard to live- i need a T because i'm losing it and i wissh T would opeen cccommunication. Why won't he?
Thank you for your advice- if i wasn't such a mess inside it would be the best thing to do and i'd be able to. we're so much a mess now.
kerria
Posted by kerria on October 22, 2006, at 9:51:39
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by muffled on October 21, 2006, at 2:56:02
Thank you so much Muffled for understanding and it helps so much that you hear and care. Thank you.
i don't know my parts well- there's not a way to communicate - T is the one who talks to us and we listen to what parts say. the less i see T the worst mess we are sometimes. When things are upset it gets even harder to communicate. i don't even know my parts-
The pain i'm having now is so triggering now- we ran out of some of the meds i take and parts inside feel that we've just been p'a' and s'a' today. That a. is going on now.
i can't communicate with them and times have occurred that we've been suddenly so upset because of the pain of a.It's a nerve probleem- not abuse. i try to remember but when we switch we're hysterically sad and there's nothing i can do.
we're not doing well now- we need T to be supportive. h is away now- that's so hard. i have to talk to a surgeon soon- how can i do that when parts are so upset inside?
T knows and doesn''t care thaat we're upset- or why wouldn't he call back unless he didn't want me. i feel so rejected- not even me- my parts that i can't communicate with feel so rejected by T and so hurt- and that no one will be with them and why do they have to have all this pain - they don't understand the surgery, it feels like a punishment. i know better but switching comes and what's there is a mess.
i'm too afraid of falling apart:(
kerria
Posted by muffled on October 22, 2006, at 22:47:05
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » muffled, posted by kerria on October 22, 2006, at 9:51:39
> Thank you so much Muffled for understanding and it helps so much that you hear and care. Thank you.
***I do care. To a certain extent I understand. I try to understand how confusing it must be. Some of the stuff you write I totally understand having experienced it myself.
>
> i don't know my parts well- there's not a way to communicate - T is the one who talks to us and we listen to what parts say. the less i see T the worst mess we are sometimes. When things are upset it gets even harder to communicate. i don't even know my parts-**This part seems to be different than the part that posted above to Dinah. This part seems quite coherant and good at communicating. Do your parts have some sort of names or labels, so as to differentiate as to who is present or even causing background fuss at any given time?
>
> The pain i'm having now is so triggering now- we ran out of some of the meds i take and parts inside feel that we've just been p'a' and s'a' today. That a. is going on now.***Yeah, I can see as how that would get everybody in an uproar...
> i can't communicate with them and times have occurred that we've been suddenly so upset because of the pain of a.***Its hard when it allasudden seems to come out of nowhere isn't it? And then it just gets more and more 'noisy' in my head. I can't think. I dunno who is upset or why. So often upsets are even over the silliest seeming things. Other times, well, its not so silly ....
>
> It's a nerve probleem- not abuse. i try to remember but when we switch we're hysterically sad and there's nothing i can do.***Oh God, I DO understand that, hysterical... I'm so sorry. For me, when that happens in my own small way, every thing gets so noisy, noone listens, it feels like everyone is running around like chickens with their heads chopped off, crashing into each other, mayhem, and I've got one that will just start screaming and screaming and I can scarcely stand it...But I do. I do stand it, and I survive, like I always do. I move on. The emtional intensity passes. Sometimes we can sort out what happened, sometimes not. But things seem to calm down for awhile anyways. I just write this, so you can have hope. Cuz there is reason for hope.
>
> we're not doing well now- we need T to be supportive. h is away now- that's so hard. i have to talk to a surgeon soon- how can i do that when parts are so upset inside?***Did your H. take the car or do you have it?
So at least one, maybe two, parts know there are other parts....
Mebbe the part that wrote this...could talk to the part that wrote to Dinah? Most all the time, when I talk to my inside people, they do not answer me. I just know later on that they have heard me, cuz of how they behave over something, or what they 'say', etc, and then I realize that they DID hear what I said. So mebbe you could try talking to other parts, even if you don't think they can hear, cuz mebbe they can? Or mebbe even one can. And thats a start....
>
> T knows and doesn''t care thaat we're upset- or why wouldn't he call back unless he didn't want me. i feel so rejected- not even me- my parts that i can't communicate with feel so rejected by T and so hurt- and that no one will be with them and why do they have to have all this pain - they don't understand the surgery, it feels like a punishment. i know better but switching comes and what's there is a mess.***See, thats the part I mostly don't do. I don't completely switch. I am thankful for that.
I just wonder if there may be some communication going on, but that you haven't realized it yet?
>
> i'm too afraid of falling apart:(***Your parts saved you from a horrific time. Some of them took the burden of SO much. They made it possible for you to go on at that time.
For all that they spaz etc, I think their ultimate goal is to protect Kerria, one way or another.
I don't think you will fall apart.
Cuz thats a wonder of having parts.
If things get too hard to tolerate for one part, then another part will take over.
Whatever happens, happens.
Just keep taking care as best you can.
Honor the parts that have taken on such a burden for the rest of you.
Honor the parts that(mebbe sometimes overzealously) protect you.
Honor the older parts that try so hard to function well in this world.
Honor the scared ones.
(((((Kerria))))
You can do this.
It may be so hard.
But you will be ok in the end.
It will be ok.
Muffled
Posted by kerria on October 23, 2006, at 8:50:32
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by muffled on October 22, 2006, at 22:47:05
Thank you Muffled for taking the time to understand . It's too hard for me to know parts- differentiating them - telling one from another- is too upsetting for me. i'm not ready to see the differences yet in the part who wrote to Dinah and whoever this is.
i'm sorry. i try to just live. That's all. It doesn't feel safe to find out when i switch when writing here.
Someone did that to me at another forum- they actually looked up my name and listed all the things that parts said. She wrote, "How come you said this here- and then said this here, "etc etc- she had this huge post and i had to look at my writing. She had DID also and i wonder why. It was so upsetting to read. i know that you don't mean to hurt me, it's ok.
Some people with DID are ok i guess with seeing what their parts write but it's too hard for me still. i wish that i can find a T who can help me.teras. i'm so afraid that i'll have to live in this torture forever- that no one will be able to help me. i hate that i'm so much a mess. eeverything is so hard to do. my relationships are all a mess irl. i can't find a T who can help and the T who knows me doesn't want me as a client- he still hasn't called me back. i feel so upset that i have to have all these hard things happen- the surgery- decide which to get- it seems like choosing the torture i want :(
so upset- the appt with dr is today and i'm a mess.
my h has been away- visiting his family in another state. i'm afraid to leave the house but i have to go to work soon.
tears.
kerria
Posted by kerria on October 23, 2006, at 9:45:41
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by muffled on October 22, 2006, at 22:47:05
((((((Muffled))))))
i'm sorry that it's so hard for you also- that you have sudden upsets that happen without warning.
It's so hard to try to figure out why we're upset when you have separate parts- i can relate so much to having it be a little thing that ends up to be the reason- all because that part didn't know something- or thought something that wasn't true.Sending comfort to you. i know that it's hard for you too . Thank you for reaching out to help me.
Take care,
kerria
Posted by muffled on October 23, 2006, at 9:48:09
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » muffled, posted by kerria on October 23, 2006, at 8:50:32
> Some people with DID are ok i guess with seeing what their parts write but it's too hard for me still. i wish that i can find a T who can help me.
***Its ok Kerria. I can understand that you would need to have a T you can feel safe with to do this.
>
> teras. i'm so afraid that i'll have to live in this torture forever- that no one will be able to help me. i hate that i'm so much a mess. eeverything is so hard to do. my relationships are all a mess irl. i can't find a T who can help and the T who knows me doesn't want me as a client- he still hasn't called me back. i feel so upset that i have to have all these hard things happen- the surgery- decide which to get- it seems like choosing the torture i want :(***:-( Sorry its so hard for you right now :-(
But I don't beleive this torture is forever. I beleive you will have some healing. You just need to have a T you can feel safe and trusting with to do this. I can see as how your younger parts would not wanto work with a T that comes acreoss as uncaring.
>
> so upset- the appt with dr is today and i'm a mess.***Try and get a happy thot to cling to? A safe place in your mind you can goto. I have a cave that is safe. I also have a mossy fun forest area for a certain younger part to play in. They can goto those places. They are safe places. Noone can hurt them there.
>
> my h has been away- visiting his family in another state. i'm afraid to leave the house but i have to go to work soon.***Kerria, I think its amazing how you are able to work as much as you do. Its no doubt a necessity, but give yourself some credit. You have strength.
Just keep going.
My thots are with you.
All I can suggest really is try visualizations(imaginining yourself in a safe place)(or imagininng that someone safe is with you-how bout some babblers holding your hand?)
Take special care,
You can do this.
Could you phone T for referral? Mebbe to female T?
((((((Kerria)))))-if you want hugs that is.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on October 23, 2006, at 9:54:13
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » muffled, posted by kerria on October 23, 2006, at 9:45:41
Posted by Phillipa on October 23, 2006, at 19:51:22
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by muffled on October 23, 2006, at 9:48:09
Kerria I was thinking the same thing with so many parts and so many being young how do you work? Love Phillipa
Posted by kerria on October 23, 2006, at 22:08:41
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears, posted by Phillipa on October 23, 2006, at 19:51:22
Phillipa,
i don't know how i work- it's like going into a black hole- i don't remember almost anything about it - mostly just going through the door- or walking up to the garage and feeling stronger. The work part comes and later we come home.
i was so late for work- and after work i didn't get home in time to go to the drs appt. we were afraid to go anyways.Work feels like the strongest part but i can't feel like her until i get there:(
my T called today - he left a message to schedule appt when it would be good for both of us. i never care when it is as much as all that- i still can't understand why he was so ANGRY with me when i needed to talk to him, how he said "Go to the er then- so mean and angry- tears. i don't know how to get a new T or talk to my T anymore:( it's too hard- i can't talk to anyone who's angry like that and i need a T very badly that will be patient enough to be there the few times a year that i call.
my T doesn't care about me.T talks to the work part- it feels good to be her- i wouldn't want to ever leave work- it's my strongestr part. i can't make her come- we have to be at work or at t and T talks to her and i become her. It's so weird like that - i'm so weird- so separated:(
i wish i had a T that cared about me.
Thank you Phillipa for listening. i feel so alone and i don't think i will ever find a T or that i will ever get better- more aaaable to function like a big person.
kerria
Posted by Phillipa on October 23, 2006, at 22:29:56
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by muffled on October 23, 2006, at 9:48:09
Kerria so at home you are the child? And at work the adult? Can you pretend when you're home that you are at work? And integrate slowly? Love Phillipa
Posted by kerria on October 24, 2006, at 9:24:56
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » muffled, posted by Phillipa on October 23, 2006, at 22:29:56
No- there is not just one child and one adult and i'm not a child at home all the time. i can't tell when i switch. It's upsetting to read my writing and to have it pointed out to me so i don't know my parts - i can't realize that i switch either- sometimes i find out later- sometimes i can remember later but i switch throughout the day.
it feels like who i am keeps changing.
i never even knew that i had the problem until someone noticed- a teacher at school when i had gone back to college.
It's impossible to make myself switch. How would changing places of parts mmake someone intergrated anyways? i don't understand.
i'm not trying to change that now. i'm just trying to live like you- have pain treated, make money to pay bills, etc. i need a T because i was unfortunate enough not to have had a good childhood and it's so much harder to do those things because i can't make myself act right. It's out of control and i need help. i wish i could find a T that cares about me to help.
i wish i could even look.
kerria:(
Posted by muffled on October 24, 2006, at 9:31:15
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » Phillipa, posted by kerria on October 24, 2006, at 9:24:56
Posted by Phillipa on October 24, 2006, at 21:21:44
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » Phillipa, posted by kerria on October 24, 2006, at 9:24:56
kerria I'm just getting to know you. Forgive me for further hurting you. It was not my intention. I'd help you find a therapist but I can't even find a good one for myself. You're doing great working, making money all the while with a therapist you feel doesn't care. I'm so proud of you. Love Phillipa
Posted by kerria on October 24, 2006, at 23:23:55
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by Phillipa on October 24, 2006, at 21:21:44
(((((Phillipa)))))
you didn't hurt me - i was just saying how it is- i don't like how it is inside- there's so many things wrong. i'm unhappy about it and frustrated. it's not what you said- i don't like explaining how much a mess it is inside and don't like have this disorder.i'm sorry- i sounded the discouragement about it towards you. i know you didn't mean to hurt me - i'm just a mess- it's so frustrating. i almost don't even work at all- just a few hours a week most of the time.
love,
kerria
Posted by Phillipa on October 24, 2006, at 23:42:30
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » Phillipa, posted by kerria on October 24, 2006, at 23:23:55
Kerria that's great the working. I'm not even doing that' It must take courage to go and work. do you have any pointer for me as I'd love to work a few hours a week too. love Phillipa
Posted by kerria on October 25, 2006, at 14:49:46
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by Phillipa on October 24, 2006, at 23:42:30
Hi Phillipa,
It's my job- they're very lenient to have me come in late- although we've been spoken to just a short time ago when my schedule became so erratic- when i began having a lot of trouble with switching into the work part and losing time. Lately i'm getting afraid to leave the house also.
My work has been so good to allow me to stay- they do because i can some things that others don't know how to or aren't as good at. The part that studies horticulture is really an expert - learned so much at college classes and on her own.
Work also doesn't have to pay us when we're not there- and no benefits for pt time people, so i'm a cheap person. not so easy for me- finances are a wreck. i'd love to get better and work more hours -
Also it's my best part maybe. The one that doesn't have DID. You know what i mean- i don't think she thinks so too.love,
kerria
Posted by Phillipa on October 25, 2006, at 19:52:33
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » Phillipa, posted by kerria on October 25, 2006, at 14:49:46
Kerria I think she's and the others are wonderful people. Love Phillipa
Posted by kerria on October 26, 2006, at 14:12:37
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by Phillipa on October 25, 2006, at 19:52:33
> Kerria I think she's and the others are wonderful people. Love Phillipa
Thank you Phillipa. Why do you think that it's so impossibly hard for me to find a T who cares about me?i've been trying to find a different T for a while- off and on for the last four years and i can't find anyone. The last T demanded to talk to myT first or she wouldn't give me an appt. After she saw me she wouldn't take me.
i think i really need to find another T but it's so hard. i feel so rejected by this T and it's been impossible to find someone else.
Everyone in this specialty- (and i need to go to a traaauma specialist because of the problem of switching) in my area knows one another. i think that i have the reputation of being a hard patient.
i'm so discourged because i think i won't be able to find another T. In the past it didn't work out
:(i think that you are a really cool person also.
love,
kerria
Posted by Phillipa on October 26, 2006, at 19:58:34
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » Phillipa, posted by kerria on October 26, 2006, at 14:12:37
Kerria sometimes I don't think there are those therapists who spend time thinking about us. Only when in our appointment time. You say you see a specialist for those with DID? And why are you difficult? Love Phillipa
Posted by kerria on October 27, 2006, at 22:53:57
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by Phillipa on October 26, 2006, at 19:58:34
The T i went ti was a DID specialist. He said i was a hard patient. He won't even call me back after being so angry and swearing at me about scheduling. tears.
i feel like i have no closure. Like my father getting so angry and T used the same choice of words- i feel so triggered - because i have no closure with him either.
tears tears i called T twce today. it took a lot of guts to call him after that but i did. no response . tears. i feel so helpless. i feel so so upset. tears.
it's exactly like torture. i have no idea why he was so angry and now still won't call me back. he probably forgot my name- i have so many. tears. After sixxx + years he forgot me.
Why did he get so angry with me? and why won't he call me back. ?
It's so cruel to do to someone- i've beeen calling around. no help . but i NEED CLOSURE.tears,
kerria
Posted by kerria on October 27, 2006, at 22:55:39
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by Phillipa on October 26, 2006, at 19:58:34
tears. i can't live with myself.
tears,
kerria
Posted by Phillipa on October 27, 2006, at 23:12:13
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » Phillipa, posted by kerria on October 27, 2006, at 22:53:57
Kerria yes you need closure. Do you have another appointment with him I forgot. Sorry my mind just forgets things at time. I'm so sorry for you and I'm sorry for the hurt. Love Phillipa
Posted by kerria on October 27, 2006, at 23:34:04
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by Phillipa on October 27, 2006, at 23:12:13
No- of course i don't. T won't call me back.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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